This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.
Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola
All the psychology text books say 5 years That's a long time, but I've seen it take longer and I've seen it take less.
I know those people who are still bitter years later and my heart breaks for them. I had a very messy divorce, but God walked by my side the entire process and internally it was actually quite peaceful and a relief in the end. I haven't ever felt overwhelming anger or resentment towards my ex. Ultimately he did what I couldn't, admit to the world what we had was a complete illusion and we were both tired of pretending.
There really wasn't much of a relationship lost to grieve.
i just think, like Jim, if you have a hard and fast "it takes X number of years" rule then you're really missing out on getting to know some awesome people.
I can tell almost instantly, based on what you say or how you talk about your divorce if you are healed or not. But I have training in that area, so I know it's not always that simple for other people.
After such a long time, we've developed such a sense of independence, gotten a taste of "freedom" if you will. If the opportunity arises to re-marry, how will we adjust?
In my opinion, if the right person came along & we were willing to take a chance that this time around the marriage would be better, we've thought how we might handle a relationship differently (especially if the former one was problematic) it would be a happy decision. Let's see what God's perfect plan is for our lives now that we've matured.
I took 18 months to go through a divorce/recovery course to help identify and overcome issues regarding my divorce (namely, issues that caused me to fail to identify/accept red flags prior to marrying someone who did not make a good match. The course also helped with recovery thereafter (and identifying how my own behavior contributed to the failure of the marriage, and how to resolve issues related to that.) I highly recommend such a course to any divorced person. Courses are...12 to 18 months...and often offered through local churches.
I do believe the friendship of men and women is essential to healthy recovery from divorce. This is another area where the divorce recovery (DR) group is helpful...you see other men and women going through the same struggles and can identify with them, see how they're handling issues, etc. There is a great deal of support in DR groups.
While this was ongoing, I began working toward my annulment as soon as the civil divorce was final (a year after separation in my case). I filed the paperwork five months after starting it, and it took 20 months after that time to receive my decision permitting marriage with the Church.
I did not date during this time. Indeed, I made an enemy when I refused to date a local Catholic girl last year due to my lack of an annulment. So now have the joy of seeing her and her new boyfriend/fiance (?) in Young Adults when I can attend (yes, looks like I'm gonna be THAT GUY who was every name in the book, her last attempt at love before meeting her future husband). Still, my heart wasn't ready a year ago to date...and I was still married in the Church's eyes. Though some people date while they await annulments...I didn't want to go there, as a new Convert to Catholicism. I wanted to take my time, to avoid confusion and unnecessary pain while continuing to work on preparing myself to be an awesome spouse to a lovely lady someday.
Just my $0.02. Maybe I'm dumb for turning down someone who might have made a wonderful wife. But I think the process is less about time, and more about crossing certain thresholds toward recognition of issues that contributed to divorce, recognizing one's own contributions to the divorce and resolving them for a future spouse, and waiting for the annulment while growing spiritually.
Running on too few hours' sleep tonight, so apologize if I'm rambling or not making sense.
Time to turn in early tonight, I think. Zzzzzzzz....
^truth. Especially the last part. I'm not going to set any time frames, but you owe it to a potential partner to have "your side of the street clean"
So it appears that CM men are not any different than men in general, in regards to their feelings of dating (for the sake of marriage) soon after divorce. From my experience, men seem to either go into a deep depression (thus the higher suicide rate) after divorce OR recover much sooner (most likely because they did not invest as much emotionally into the relationship). Again, this is typical in men, as a whole. CM men are no different than "the men of the world", which is very sad