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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Jun 1st 2013 new
"Don't even think about dating until at least 2 years after the loss!"

All the psychology text books say 5 years
scratchchin That's a long time, but I've seen it take longer and I've seen it take less.

I know those people who are still bitter years later and my heart breaks for them. I had a very messy divorce, but God walked by my side the entire process and internally it was actually quite peaceful and a relief in the end. I haven't ever felt overwhelming anger or resentment towards my ex. Ultimately he did what I couldn't, admit to the world what we had was a complete illusion and we were both tired of pretending.

There really wasn't much of a relationship lost to grieve.

i just think, like Jim, if you have a hard and fast "it takes X number of years" rule then you're really missing out on getting to know some awesome people.

I can tell almost instantly, based on what you say or how you talk about your divorce if you are healed or not. But I have training in that area, so I know it's not always that simple for other people.
Jun 1st 2013 new
You know I was told to wait for a year or two before I started dating and was counseled to go to a divorce recovery group, which I did. The divorce recovery group was good. Now I lived on my own for 14 years I almost wonder if I could get re-married again?
Jun 1st 2013 new
(quote) Jim-13836 said: You know I was told to wait for a year or two before I started dating and was counseled to go to a divorce recovery group, which I did. The divorce recovery group was good. Now I lived on my own for 14 years I almost wonder if I could get re-married again?
Jim, I've lived on my own for 15 years & I understand what you are saying.
After such a long time, we've developed such a sense of independence, gotten a taste of "freedom" if you will. If the opportunity arises to re-marry, how will we adjust?

In my opinion, if the right person came along & we were willing to take a chance that this time around the marriage would be better, we've thought how we might handle a relationship differently (especially if the former one was problematic) it would be a happy decision. Let's see what God's perfect plan is for our lives now that we've matured.
Jun 1st 2013 new
(quote) Susie-890857 said: Good afternoon! I poase this question as I've run into several people who aren't emotionally ready (or spiritually really) to date when it's only been a year since their divorce. I know for me personally, I waited to even file for my annulment until after a year just to get my life back in order first. I'm wondering what other's opionion and experiences are relative to this topic. I realize each person heals at their own pace and time but it seems that first year, the wound is "too fresh". I've started asking guys how long they've been divorced as I've found this to be true each time the person was within a year (yet they were trying to date). Thanks for any insight and experiences! Susie
I don't think you can put a time limit on this. The better question is: Has a person completed the steps to recover and regain emotional health following divorce (and annulment)?

I took 18 months to go through a divorce/recovery course to help identify and overcome issues regarding my divorce (namely, issues that caused me to fail to identify/accept red flags prior to marrying someone who did not make a good match. The course also helped with recovery thereafter (and identifying how my own behavior contributed to the failure of the marriage, and how to resolve issues related to that.) I highly recommend such a course to any divorced person. Courses are...12 to 18 months...and often offered through local churches.

I do believe the friendship of men and women is essential to healthy recovery from divorce. This is another area where the divorce recovery (DR) group is helpful...you see other men and women going through the same struggles and can identify with them, see how they're handling issues, etc. There is a great deal of support in DR groups.

While this was ongoing, I began working toward my annulment as soon as the civil divorce was final (a year after separation in my case). I filed the paperwork five months after starting it, and it took 20 months after that time to receive my decision permitting marriage with the Church.

I did not date during this time. Indeed, I made an enemy when I refused to date a local Catholic girl last year due to my lack of an annulment. So now have the joy of seeing her and her new boyfriend/fiance (?) in Young Adults when I can attend (yes, looks like I'm gonna be THAT GUY who was every name in the book, her last attempt at love before meeting her future husband). Still, my heart wasn't ready a year ago to date...and I was still married in the Church's eyes. Though some people date while they await annulments...I didn't want to go there, as a new Convert to Catholicism. I wanted to take my time, to avoid confusion and unnecessary pain while continuing to work on preparing myself to be an awesome spouse to a lovely lady someday.

Just my $0.02. Maybe I'm dumb for turning down someone who might have made a wonderful wife. But I think the process is less about time, and more about crossing certain thresholds toward recognition of issues that contributed to divorce, recognizing one's own contributions to the divorce and resolving them for a future spouse, and waiting for the annulment while growing spiritually.

Running on too few hours' sleep tonight, so apologize if I'm rambling or not making sense.

Time to turn in early tonight, I think. Zzzzzzzz....

Michael
Jun 1st 2013 new
""But I think the process is less about time, and more about crossing certain thresholds toward recognition of issues that contributed to divorce, recognizing one's own contributions to the divorce and resolving them for a future spouse,""

^truth. Especially the last part. I'm not going to set any time frames, but you owe it to a potential partner to have "your side of the street clean"
Jun 1st 2013 new
When I divorced, I was not ready to date. A friend gave me very good advice to wait till I was healed, not angry and feeling comfortable on my own AND to look for a guy in the same situation. That advice I followed. But I am not sure about another bit of her advice: do not be a man's first relationship after his marriage ends due to widowhood or divorce. You will be the therapy girlfriend, who is there to reassure him he still is a good guy who is attractive to women. What do you think of this point of view?
Jun 2nd 2013 new
Susie, I have asked that question to myself. Time is relative. Yes. You will run into those individuals that are not ready. There is a course. To judge is to limit. To set mathematical parameters is to limit. Pain heals. Sometimes it heals quicker with one that is available to aid in that task. Wouldn't you agree? I knew this would come up. It's as if though to qualify as a divorcee one has to be "seasoned". I disagree. If one is willing to face reality, face facts, face judgement, and lift his head up and say, "I'm willing to give this sacrament one more shot", then isn't it worth the challenge to embrace that situation? There are good men out here that are being overlooked simply for mathematical reasons. I disagree. I have a healthy outlook. I loved being married. However, the light of my world simply looked up at me one day and said, "I just don't think I'm feelin' it anymore". What in the world can a man do to fight for a relationship that is lost right out of the gate? We are way too analytic. Me. I cling to my faith. I believe God has a plan for me. I remind myself of that every day and I hold on. It's one heck of a ride but I hold on. Some lady is gonna take a look in here and "see me". She's going to connect. That spark will last despite the Math involved in the analysis of divorce. I absolutely do not place any emphasis whatsoever in math as it relates to time in divorce. When your mate says to you she doesn't love you any more, well, there just isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about that despite your efforts at counseling and pleading and attempting everything you know to salvage your marriage. There's no map for this. We are human. We are also acting on faith. I believe. What about you?
Jun 2nd 2013 new
Michael, it sounds as if you used sound judgment and reasoning to follow the right path. That other woman seems to have issues & you are lucky it didn't go anywhere with you & her. You WILL be blessed for your faithfulness to God & the church's teachings. theheart You get a Gold Star!
Jun 2nd 2013 new
(quote) John-973410 said: Susie, I have asked that question to myself. Time is relative. Yes. You will run into those individuals that are not ready. There is a course. To judge is to limit. To set mathematical parameters is to limit. Pain heals. Sometimes it heals quicker with one that is available to aid in that task. Wouldn't you agree? I knew this would come up. It's as if though to qualify as a divorcee one has to be "seasoned". I disagree. If one is willing to face reality, face facts, face judgement, and lift his head up and say, "I'm willing to give this sacrament one more shot", then isn't it worth the challenge to embrace that situation? There are good men out here that are being overlooked simply for mathematical reasons. I disagree. I have a healthy outlook. I loved being married. However, the light of my world simply looked up at me one day and said, "I just don't think I'm feelin' it anymore". What in the world can a man do to fight for a relationship that is lost right out of the gate? We are way too analytic. Me. I cling to my faith. I believe God has a plan for me. I remind myself of that every day and I hold on. It's one heck of a ride but I hold on. Some lady is gonna take a look in here and "see me". She's going to connect. That spark will last despite the Math involved in the analysis of divorce. I absolutely do not place any emphasis whatsoever in math as it relates to time in divorce. When your mate says to you she doesn't love you any more, well, there just isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do about that despite your efforts at counseling and pleading and attempting everything you know to salvage your marriage. There's no map for this. We are human. We are also acting on faith. I believe. What about you?
John, very well put.
Jun 2nd 2013 new
From the answers given it appears that men in general do not feel there is a minimum time a person should be divorced prior to dating, whereas, the women feel there should be wait time, for "healing" to take place. Statistics show that men marry MUCH sooner after divorce than women according to the following SECULAR article, www.huffingtonpost.com
So it appears that CM men are not any different than men in general, in regards to their feelings of dating (for the sake of marriage) soon after divorce. From my experience, men seem to either go into a deep depression (thus the higher suicide rate) after divorce OR recover much sooner (most likely because they did not invest as much emotionally into the relationship). Again, this is typical in men, as a whole. CM men are no different than "the men of the world", which is very sad sad
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