Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free
A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 22nd 2013 new

I agree with them all...and there are surely more. The issue is which reason is the reason in a particular situation as to why you are not getting the response.


I'm new here - but I have followed several of the fora now, and I think sometimes we are hard on ourselves and others about this response thing, especially in the early stages. Sometimes I think something in those initial communications will "click" for one or the other or both, but I think it unrealistic to expect that with each individual we reach out to or who reaches out to us. I think we need to take the pressure off of ourselves about "why," and just know that at the right time and for the right persons things will click for both parties.

Jan 23rd 2013 new

I think that the list of reasons is very good. I think he is onto something.

Jan 23rd 2013 new

First post alert! (I've always wanted to do that)

Welcome, Beverly!

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Kristen-878108 said: Our fearless leader Brian wrote an article awhile ago that just popped up on the blog, which I ...
(Quote) Kristen-878108 said:

Our fearless leader Brian wrote an article awhile ago that just popped up on the blog, which I read for the first time today. I wondered what you all thought about his six reasons as to why you are not getting a response. To read the whole article: www.catholicmatch.com


Otherwise the bottom line of the six are:

1. No established etiquette for online communication

2. Online daters are hasty and use the shotgun approach (meaning they contact people they might not in "real life" - not like a shotgun wedding! )

3. We are more critical online - gotta look hot or daters say "NOT"

4. People are unrealistic in regard to who they initiate contact with

5. Sometimes the chemistry is off

6. Not all members are paid subscribers - so they can't respond!


Do you think Brian is spot on? Or are other factors in play?

--hide--

Thanks for the reminder. 1. We need to update that module on the blog so that it shows more recent articles. 2. I should probably revist that article and refresh it a bit.

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: I think that, after 13 years of running this site as a previously single man seeking a wife, as ...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:

I think that, after 13 years of running this site as a previously single man seeking a wife, as well as learning from the experiences shared on his site over all these years from a bird's eye point of view, I'm more inclined to give his point of view far more credibility than the opinion of a journalist, or talking head on TV.


Anyone on this site who believes that they cannot learn something from Brian either isn't paying attention, or isn't interested in learning.


Just my

--hide--

Flattery will get you everywhere. Robin Actually let me set the record straight on a few things becuase I am by no means qualified either.

1. I was terrible at dating for a good chunk of my life I was dating the wrong way, focused on the wrong things, allowed to much stuff to get into my head and did not allow my faith to dictate how I carried out my relationships etc. So I am the last person in the world who would ever offer dating advice other than to simply tell people how I screwed up all the time.

2. I have ZERO training in anything related to dating or relationships or marriage. So I speak with no authority and running a dating website DOES NOT make you an authority in any of these areas.

3. Despite my constant inability to date well I had many good examples of how marriages are to be and how hard people have to work at them for success. This is probably what kept me from making a really huge mistake because I at least had some real life examples to compare myself/situation to.

4. I was my own worst enemy. For so long I thought my problem was not meeting the right person (this was somewhat true) but mostly it was that I was not ready to date well and that I could not get out of my own way in order to meet and develop a relationship with someone. The Church does not teach that God gives us "soul mates" at least in terms of how people typically define them. Thus it is quite possible God had put several women in my path that I could have married and carried out His will with but I was either not ready or didn't want to be ready. Fact is I stunk at dating and my idea of how to move from meeting to dating to marriage was completely wrong.

5. I was fortunate to have a friend who also happens to be a psychologist (but not the weird new age secularized kind) who made me look at myself and made me come to terms that I was the primary problem not the women I was meeting. Because I needed fixed I was unable to discern who God's will was for me because I was not tuned in. I allowed my own distorted view become the driving force. I was to selfish, to picky, to distracted, to prideful, oh... and to selfish to even have a chance at figuring things out. Lots of people think marriage readiness is the most important thing. I actually think dating readiness is more important. If the process for getting to marriage is screwed up then you are probably not going to be able to figure out if you are marriage ready. At least I wasn't able to.

6. When you find someone who makes you better and loves you unconditionally despite all your failings don't over think it. I almost did and that would have been stupid. Of course that is easier said than done but I was fortunate.

7. While I am not expert on dating, relationships, marriage or anything related to those areas God didn't make me totally useless. I have always had a good knack for observation and reading people. As such I have been able to offer some thoughts here and there based on those observations over the years of working on CatholicMatch. While I know it is not popular if I have to say my most basic observation would be that singles get in their own way and sabotage themselves more than most of us ever realize. We have a difficult time seeing it because we don't really like to look at ourselves in an objective way or simply can't. That is why if you have a close friend or friends who are willing to tell you the hard things about yourself, take advantage. (Try to make it someone not single.) This is especially true the later in life you are. If I had one major regret about being single it would be that I wasted to much time and allowed to much anxiety into my life worrying and feeling depressed/frustrated with being single. I wish I could have that time back and would have made it more anxiety free.

8. Unmarried people often view marriage as the goal rather than a transition or transformation. I have observed many and probably fell into this trap at times myself thinking, "If I only could get married I would be happy." or "If only I could find the one my life would be great." or "I love my life but I am missing the person to share it with." From my observation this is such a huge trap and I wish more people in the Church understood that unmarried Catholics need direction here along with dating readiness.

9. I never intended to do this as a job (nor did my partners) it was a fluke, luck or providence or a little bit of all three depending on your perspective. But I can tell you that given how long I struggled with being single and wanting so badly to get married helping unmarried people has become a passion. Most days we focus on the "meeting" part and as a business grows you spend more time administering the business then working on the things you love and care about.

But I feel (and so does the rest of the staff) that we have a responsibility to do more to help singles beyond just giving them opportunities to meet and we feel we have and obligation to raise awareness in the Church about the unmarried issues that it faces. While we cannot be experts in all these areas ourselves we can spend the money and time in bringing people together who are. That is why we keep expanding our blog and are getting into publishing more books/pamphlets etc not to mention have begun make efforts in working directly with Church officials to bring more issues to the forefront. There is a real focus on helping the marriage problem in the Church but we think the best way to fix that problem along with strengthening existing marriages is to help Catholics get to the point of marriage and get their via a healthy and more faith-filled path.

Ok I quit cuz I hating writing and I like odd numbers.. :)

Jan 23rd 2013 new

7. While I am not expert on dating, relationships, marriage or anything related to those areas God didn't make me totally useless. I have always had a good knack for observation and reading people. As such I have been able to offer some thoughts here and there based on those observations over the years of working on CatholicMatch. While I know it is not popular if I have to say my most basic observation would be that singles get in their own way and sabotage themselves more than most of us ever realize. We have a difficult time seeing it because we don't really like to look at ourselves in an objective way or simply can't. That is why if you have a close friend or friends who are willing to tell you the hard things about yourself, take advantage. (Try to make it someone not single.) This is especially true the later in life you are. If I had one major regret about being single it would be that I wasted to much time and allowed to much anxiety into my life worrying and feeling depressed/frustrated with being single. I wish I could have that time back and would have made it more anxiety free.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Guilty...Guilty...Guilty here!! weeping

Jan 23rd 2013 new

Thank you.

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Brian-278516 said: 5. I was fortunate to have a friend who also happens to be a psych...
(Quote) Brian-278516 said:

5. I was fortunate to have a friend who also happens to be a psychologist (but not the weird new age secularized kind) who made me look at myself and made me come to terms that I was the primary problem not the women I was meeting. Because I needed fixed I was unable to discern who God's will was for me because I was not tuned in. I allowed my own distorted view become the driving force. I was to selfish, to picky, to distracted, to prideful, oh... and to selfish to even have a chance at figuring things out. Lots of people think marriage readiness is the most important thing. I actually think dating readiness is more important. If the process for getting to marriage is screwed up then you are probably not going to be able to figure out if you are marriage ready. At least I wasn't able to.

7. While I am not expert on dating, relationships, marriage or anything related to those areas God didn't make me totally useless. I have always had a good knack for observation and reading people. As such I have been able to offer some thoughts here and there based on those observations over the years of working on CatholicMatch. While I know it is not popular if I have to say my most basic observation would be that singles get in their own way and sabotage themselves more than most of us ever realize. We have a difficult time seeing it because we don't really like to look at ourselves in an objective way or simply can't. That is why if you have a close friend or friends who are willing to tell you the hard things about yourself, take advantage. (Try to make it someone not single.) This is especially true the later in life you are. If I had one major regret about being single it would be that I wasted to much time and allowed to much anxiety into my life worrying and feeling depressed/frustrated with being single. I wish I could have that time back and would have made it more anxiety free.

8. Unmarried people often view marriage as the goal rather than a transition or transformation. I have observed many and probably fell into this trap at times myself thinking, "If I only could get married I would be happy." or "If only I could find the one my life would be great." or "I love my life but I am missing the person to share it with." From my observation this is such a huge trap and I wish more people in the Church understood that unmarried Catholics need direction here along with dating readiness.

9. I never intended to do this as a job (nor did my partners) it was a fluke, luck or providence or a little bit of all three depending on your perspective. But I can tell you that given how long I struggled with being single and wanting so badly to get married helping unmarried people has become a passion. Most days we focus on the "meeting" part and as a business grows you spend more time administering the business then working on the things you love and care about.

But I feel (and so does the rest of the staff) that we have a responsibility to do more to help singles beyond just giving them opportunities to meet and we feel we have and obligation to raise awareness in the Church about the unmarried issues that it faces. While we cannot be experts in all these areas ourselves we can spend the money and time in bringing people together who are. That is why we keep expanding our blog and are getting into publishing more books/pamphlets etc not to mention have begun make efforts in working directly with Church officials to bring more issues to the forefront. There is a real focus on helping the marriage problem in the Church but we think the best way to fix that problem along with strengthening existing marriages is to help Catholics get to the point of marriage and get their via a healthy and more faith-filled path.

Ok I quit cuz I hating writing and I like odd numbers.. :)

--hide--


Brian, thanks for sharing this. I have a couple more questions for you - you speak of "dating readiness" - what do you mean by that? From the context of what you wrote, I think you are saying that we have to work on ourselves and let go of "distorted thinking" (which is a consequence of sin in our lives) so that we are ready for a relationship. Is that what you mean? Or is it something else - better perspectives on dating or something?


Second, I really liked your statement "Unmarried people often view marriage as the goal rather than a transition or transformation." What I think you were saying there is that marriage is not going to make you happy if you are not happy now. Is that what you meant? So then marriage would just be a transition from being single and happy to now embracing your vocation as gift to the other which will increase your happiness, but also your suffering - because dying to self is always painful. If a person is unhappy as a single person living with distorted thinking, then bringing another person into that is not going to improve matters. Am I reading this correctly?

I look forward to your updated version of the article!

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Kristen-878108 said: Brian, thanks for sharing this. I have a couple more questions for you - you speak...
(Quote) Kristen-878108 said:


Brian, thanks for sharing this. I have a couple more questions for you - you speak of "dating readiness" - what do you mean by that? From the context of what you wrote, I think you are saying that we have to work on ourselves and let go of "distorted thinking" (which is a consequence of sin in our lives) so that we are ready for a relationship. Is that what you mean? Or is it something else - better perspectives on dating or something?


Second, I really liked your statement "Unmarried people often view marriage as the goal rather than a transition or transformation." What I think you were saying there is that marriage is not going to make you happy if you are not happy now. Is that what you meant? So then marriage would just be a transition from being single and happy to now embracing your vocation as gift to the other which will increase your happiness, but also your suffering - because dying to self is always painful. If a person is unhappy as a single person living with distorted thinking, then bringing another person into that is not going to improve matters. Am I reading this correctly?

I look forward to your updated version of the article!

--hide--

My definition of dating readiness is that you date according to your state in life (usually age) and that you date with a clear understanding and endgame of marriage. I often thought I was dating to become married but I think I would often date for other reasons such as companionship, feeling left out, superficial attraction etc.I think lots of people date for fun or companionship hoping that they find "the one" along the way rather than taylor their dating so that it is easier to discover "the one."

Obviously dating readiness at 16 is different than at 35 but having more of a focus and understanding of how you sould be looking at yourself and the other person I think is where I often failed and see others as well. Dating with a purpose is a bit to simplisitic but along those lines... I can't say enough I was just so lousy at dating.The degree of selfishness I had to come to grips with was not fun. Heck I think I am still coming to grips with it but my wife just reminds me now. :)

I don't think it is so much that you have to be happy now as much as it is that finding your spouse will not soley make you happy. I am not even sure what it means to be happy but I do know what it means to have joy and/peace. I personally think "hapiness" is overrated and tends to distract us from sacrifice thus ultimatly making us more selfish. It seems the more we do in order to make ourselves happy the less happy we become. But maybe that is just my warped observation.

Between meeting singles at conferences, overseeing customer service, and reading the forums and comments for all these years I have more observations that people would ever want to hear. duck

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Brian-278516 said: My definition of dating readiness is that you date according to your state in life (usua...
(Quote) Brian-278516 said:

My definition of dating readiness is that you date according to your state in life (usually age) and that you date with a clear understanding and endgame of marriage. I often thought I was dating to become married but I think I would often date for other reasons such as companionship, feeling left out, superficial attraction etc.I think lots of people date for fun or companionship hoping that they find "the one" along the way rather than taylor their dating so that it is easier to discover "the one."

Obviously dating readiness at 16 is different than at 35 but having more of a focus and understanding of how you sould be looking at yourself and the other person I think is where I often failed and see others as well. Dating with a purpose is a bit to simplisitic but along those lines... I can't say enough I was just so lousy at dating.The degree of selfishness I had to come to grips with was not fun. Heck I think I am still coming to grips with it but my wife just reminds me now. :)

I don't think it is so much that you have to be happy now as much as it is that finding your spouse will not soley make you happy. I am not even sure what it means to be happy but I do know what it means to have joy and/peace. I personally think "hapiness" is overrated and tends to distract us from sacrifice thus ultimatly making us more selfish. It seems the more we do in order to make ourselves happy the less happy we become. But maybe that is just my warped observation.

Between meeting singles at conferences, overseeing customer service, and reading the forums and comments for all these years I have more observations that people would ever want to hear.

--hide--


Thanks! I look forward to hearing more of your observations! I am one of those people who likes to know the unvarnished truth. It keeps my expectations at a more reasonable level. smile

Posts 11 - 20 of 30