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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Helen-881220 said: sandra************HAPPY BIRTHDAY
(Quote) Helen-881220 said:


sandra************HAPPY BIRTHDAY

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Helen, Thank you! biggrin

Jan 23rd 2013 new

Happy Birthday Sandra!! Happy Birthday!


Thank you all for the wonderful, positive feedback and your prayers. It's been just over a year (married for 17 and together for 22, met in high school) so I know I have a lot of healing to do. It's frustrating when we want things to be "better" in our time frame rather than God's time frame. Yes, there was infidelity and knowing that he's seeing someone new is pretty hard to take. I try not to focus on that but it's not that easy.

My kids definitely come first in my life and that's my main focus. Spending time in adoration is something I haven't done for a while and something I will make a priority. I guess I need to learn that I need TLC every now and then and ease up on myself and turn to God with everything. Praying


Jan 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Lisa-727959 said: I strongly recommend staying away from one-on-one dating until you feel better and have a decree o...
(Quote) Lisa-727959 said:

I strongly recommend staying away from one-on-one dating until you feel better and have a decree of nullity in hand. Go out with groups of people. Being social will help as much as being alone and sorting it all out.

Count on my prayers for you!

Sincerely - Lisa Duffy

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Lisa,


Thank you for the encouragement and prayers. I'm sure this has been asked many times but, as Catholics, are we supposed to date without a decree of nullity? I'm not even thinking about dating right now but the answer seems to vary, even among priests. I would love to know what the actual teaching is. Thanks.


Dana

Jan 23rd 2013 new

Dana: My heart goes out to you - I pray for peace of heart, mind and soul. I was married 34 years, yes, infidelity, and after this long it was like a death also. Yes, find a support group - a divorce support group helped me so much. I went to two different ones. One used a booklet to work out of, went through each step of the process you will feel. The other brings in speakers that deal with all topics relating to divorce and death, then they would break down into small group discussions, and then for those who wanted to they went to a local pizza place to chill out. You will think at times you are adjusting, and then one thing will trigger an emotion, and you realize you weren't at all through that phase. Total I've been alone for five years, two years separate while the divorce was going through. I can tell you that for me the "new normal" is just now beginning to feel real. The support group I was in stated that (it takes one year of full healing for every five years you were married to really heal correctly) I thought I was "normal" several times only to find out looking back that I sure was not! Take it slow, do Self Care, read books that deal with this, stay with positive people, get yourself strong or stronger before you share your heart with someone else. But above all, stay close to God, (Adoration or Spiritual Communion) know you are not alone - Our God Is Always Right Beside You - guiding you - just do your work! You will get there with Strength and Grace - and God willing you might even meet that very special person. Learn who Dana really is first! By the way, I lived in Perrysburg when I was first married. He was the buckeye! What a journey it's been since then! And remember: You will survive and be better off for it. Show your children how to live well and how to heal healthy. God Bless, Barb.......and remember I'm only an e-mail away.

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Dana-782979 said: as Catholics, are we supposed to date without a decree of nullity? Dana
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:



as Catholics, are we supposed to date without a decree of nullity?


Dana

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Hi, Dana,

No, dating should be reserved for after you've received a decree of nullity. But I stress the point that this doesn't mean you should live as a hermit. Social relationships are important for your healing, so definitely do things with your women friends and in coed groups.

God bless you!

- Lisa Duffy

Jan 24th 2013 new
(Quote) Lisa-727959 said: Hi, Dana, No, dating should be reserved for aft...
(Quote) Lisa-727959 said:





Hi, Dana,





No, dating should be reserved for after you've received a decree of nullity. But I stress the point that this doesn't mean you should live as a hermit. Social relationships are important for your healing, so definitely do things with your women friends and in coed groups.





God bless you!





- Lisa Duffy

--hide--


Good answer!!!
Jan 24th 2013 new

Hi Dana, I've been separated/annulled for around 8 yrs. At the start I felt like you but heard from a few that had gone before me that it takes around 3 yrs to feel like you're starting your "new normal". That seemed like forever at the time but was a time of grief and healing.My wise friend advised me to just get up each day & put 1 foot in front of the other. It was the best piece of wisdom given to me.

If you've been married for a long time, it's a good chunck of your life. You have to spend the time and do the work required to come out of it a whole, well adjusted person. If there are children of any age involved, they need you to set an example of how to come out on top.

Hang in there and do the work, put in the time finding your happiness as "you", by yourself, not attached to another. For me it was amazing to see what I could accomplish and how happy I could be along the way. It encouraged me to push on & see what else I could discover about myself & my new world.

Best wishes & blessings to you

Jan 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Lisa-727959 said: Hi, Dana, No, dating should be reserved for after you've rec...
(Quote) Lisa-727959 said:

Hi, Dana,

No, dating should be reserved for after you've received a decree of nullity. But I stress the point that this doesn't mean you should live as a hermit. Social relationships are important for your healing, so definitely do things with your women friends and in coed groups.

God bless you!

- Lisa Duffy

--hide--


Thanks for the feedback. No, I'm not living like a hermit so I'm good there. Honestly, I'm a full-time student, work part-time and have two kids. I would love some free time smile I have another question that my daughter asked me after her Theology class one day "if you date without an annullment are you comitting adultry?" Oh the questions we have to answer. I told her what I was taught but I'm not sure if I was correct. Some clergy say yes and some say no and I'm not sure why that is. Enlightenment? I know she was asking because of her father so I answered with caution and sensitivity. I know you will have the answer for me.

Thanks, again. God Bless.

Jan 25th 2013 new

(Quote) Dana-782979 said: "if you date without an annullment are you comitting adultry?"
(Quote) Dana-782979 said:



"if you date without an annullment are you comitting adultry?"

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Dear Dana,

The short answer is, yes.

Allow me to expand that answer because I can answer future questions that will come up if I don't.

Only God knows at this point whether or not your marriage was valid. The term "valid" does not mean you didn't have a real marriage relationship and a real family. The Church recognizes that in society, people marry, live together, bring children into the world, have a dog, a cat, a mortgage, etc. and does not deny they have a real relationship, a real family. The term "valid" in this sense refers to a sacred marriage bond that can only be dissolved by death.
You and your spouse may or may not have this bond. If you do, it means you are still married in God's eyes and should not be dating. But, you might not have this bond because of some impediment, and may not be bound to your ex-spouse until death.
The only way to know is by going through the annulment process. Until it is determined whether or not you have an indissoluble bond, you are still considered validly married because the Church considers all marriages valid unless proven otherwise (through the annulment process). Since you have not gone through this process, the Church has not had a chance to investigate your marriage and determine whether or not you have a sacred bond with your ex-spouse.
But whether or not you and your ex-spouse had a valid marriage or not is really not the main problem. The deeper issue lies in the fact that if one spouse leaves another to have a relationship outside the marriage, they are committing a grave sin. It does not matter what decision the annulment process will render in the future, what matters is today. This moment, and the moral decisions a person makes. Do you (meaning anyone) know divorce is wrong but do it anyway? Do you know being involved with someone who is not your spouse is wrong but do it anyway? Those are the most important questions and the bottom line answer is, any spouse who dates or enters into an intimate relationship with someone who is not their spouse, regardless of what an annulment tribunal will decide later, is committing adultery.
Sorry to be long winded! I hope this helps :)
Sincerely, Lisa Duffy
Jan 25th 2013 new

(Quote) Lisa-727959 said: Dear Dana, The short answer is, yes. Allow me to...
(Quote) Lisa-727959 said:

Dear Dana,

The short answer is, yes.

Allow me to expand that answer because I can answer future questions that will come up if I don't.

Only God knows at this point whether or not your marriage was valid. The term "valid" does not mean you didn't have a real marriage relationship and a real family. The Church recognizes that in society, people marry, live together, bring children into the world, have a dog, a cat, a mortgage, etc. and does not deny they have a real relationship, a real family. The term "valid" in this sense refers to a sacred marriage bond that can only be dissolved by death. You and your spouse may or may not have this bond. If you do, it means you are still married in God's eyes and should not be dating. But, you might not have this bond because of some impediment, and may not be bound to your ex-spouse until death. The only way to know is by going through the annulment process. Until it is determined whether or not you have an indissoluble bond, you are still considered validly married because the Church considers all marriages valid unless proven otherwise (through the annulment process). Since you have not gone through this process, the Church has not had a chance to investigate your marriage and determine whether or not you have a sacred bond with your ex-spouse. But whether or not you and your ex-spouse had a valid marriage or not is really not the main problem. The deeper issue lies in the fact that if one spouse leaves another to have a relationship outside the marriage, they are committing a grave sin. It does not matter what decision the annulment process will render in the future, what matters is today. This moment, and the moral decisions a person makes. Do you (meaning anyone) know divorce is wrong but do it anyway? Do you know being involved with someone who is not your spouse is wrong but do it anyway? Those are the most important questions and the bottom line answer is, any spouse who dates or enters into an intimate relationship with someone who is not their spouse, regardless of what an annulment tribunal will decide later, is committing adultery. Sorry to be long winded! I hope this helps :) Sincerely, Lisa Duffy

--hide--

Lisa,
Thank you so much. I have started the annulment process, gave everything to my advocate in November but not exactly where he is at with all of it. I didn't want to have to tell my daugther, "yes your dad is commiting adulty..." but I was pretty sure that was the truth. I just answered her question with a "yes" and let it go. She already knew but wanted to confirm what she thought her teacher had said. My ex insists our priest told him he was only commiting adultry if he was in a physical relationship and divorced, not if he was just dating. Yikes!

You are always so helpful and I am very grateful.

Dana

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