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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Jan 26th 2013 new
(Quote) Timothy-932923 said: Tracy,I was having a conversation with a lady I met on CM. She said something that made me think and ...
(Quote) Timothy-932923 said:

Tracy,

I was having a conversation with a lady I met on CM. She said something that made me think and may be something to mention to your daughter. The topic then was different but still concerned praying, begging God for a particular outcome. She said God will always answer our prayers but we must be prepared for the fact that sometimes His answer is "No".

As to your original question, personally, I would not limit my interactions to other widows/widowers. If it is God's intention, He will place a special person in your life again. Why run the risk of rejecting His gift by setting those type of restrictions?

--hide--


If you google water bugs and dragonflys there is a very good poem explaining death to children. Actually it is good for adults also, I was struggling with why God didn't heal my son, and my Priest sent it to me.....
Jan 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?

Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...

p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.

--hide--

Your internal debate is one that all the widows I have discussed this issue with have, Tracy. It is hard to imagine that someone who does not have the experience of a real sacrificial love will understand our loss. I have personally struggled with this issue. When and if I marry again, it will be with the same commitment I had in my first marriage, and I have wondered if someone who did not have our experience would or could have the same commitment.

These concerns have been discussed in this room before and have been met with some harshness from divorce CMers who chose to chastise those of us in the Widows & Widowers room discussion. That has pretty much chased those discussions underground and they have become emails rather than this room's threads.

I did not feel that I could leave you out here on your own, so I am, with some trepidation, responding to your post.

I have come to the conclusion that the only man I would ever consider would respect who I am which includes my life experience...and that includes a successful 34 year marriage and the memory of the man to whom I was married. And, I believe a man whose marriage was annulled and one who has never been married could be that man.

I think is it sad that men with this history have not been a part of a beautiful, sacrificial marriage and I think his desire to do so could bring a broader dimension to a marriage with me than the experience that I have had. Also, my experience could bring a clear understanding of the commitment and happiness a sacrificial marriage offers.

I have become very comfortable with the fact that God has led me this far and I can leave this issue of a new marriage quite comfortably in His hands. This is not to say that I don’t get a bit nervous about such a decision. I am by nature a logical person and I tend to over analyze things. However, after a long grieving period, I have found balance in my life, I have allowed my husband to be at peace with God and me to be at peace with myself and God, and I started a new life as a single person. I have gone out on several dates, but so far I have not met the man I think I would like to marry. But, I didn’t even want to marry David, so I could be wrong again.

So, to answer your question, yes I think you can find happiness with not only someone who is a widower, but also someone who is divorce/annulled or never been married. I think it is about the individual and not the classification.

I hope this helps, Tracy. Keep posting. There are so many wonderful and kind people here on CM.

- Elizabeth

Jan 30th 2013 new

I am also recently widowed, and I understand what Tracey is asking. Of course if we truly intend to follow God's will for us, we will remain open to whoever he sends, Divorcee's suffer from as real and painful a grief process as widows/widowers. But right now, still in the early loss stage, I am drawn to those who suffer the death of a loved one. It is so much easier to relate to a man who is sad about his previous marriage, but is without the bitterness and anger that is inevitable in the divorced. I think both forms of grief are legitimate, and I think that eventually it wont matter, but in this early stage, someone with a similar experience is just easier. Perhaps that has less to do with the way marriage was ended and more to do with my readiness to move on which may not be complete just yet. My question is this; do I have the right to be on this site if I'm still actively grieving for my husband? I'm here more for the compionship of similar situations then for a soulmate - yet! Should I cancel and come back in a year or two.

Jan 31st 2013 new

Thank you , Elizabeth, for your kind words and understanding heart. I wrote a long, heartfelt response to your post the other day and...poof! It disappeared into cyber-space!!! It's late, so I will briefly repeat my gratitude AND my joy at finding a compassionate new friend who can understand the gamut of emotions, heart-breaking pain and intense spiritual examination we widows must undertake.

To Joan, I believe you have every right to he here on CM, as do I and any other widow or widower who recently lost a spouse. One of the reasons I joined was to find like-minded, solid Catholics with similar experiences and hopefully, to learn from them, find comfort, solace and direction in their advice...and, of course, God-willing, find a man to share my heart and life with one day. I have much love left to give, perhaps even more deeply than before. The pain of suffering a loved one's loss has a cleansing effect that enables us to see things clearly and from a more eternal aspect. In other words, we don't sweat the small stuff!

I have one beef about a reply I read elsewhere. A man said he was willing to 'let' his future wife keep some old pictures around their new home, 'even if they had some with their deceased husband in them'. What? You've got to be kidding me! 'LET' me keep treasured photos of the father of my five children and the man I was married to for almost 33 years out in plain view? Well, thank you, sir, how very condenscending of you.

OK. It's late. I don't want this to end on a sour note. I know, I'll tell you how excited I am about the upcoming Indy Chili Cook-Off I'm attending Feb. 10. It's not too late to sign up, if anyone else is considering going. It looks like a lot of fun with some great people. Hey, we start off the event with Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel. What better way to begin a Catholic get-together?

BONUS: my kids are all for it and are thrilled that I am spreading my wings and trying to meet new friends.

Jan 31st 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: Thank you , Elizabeth, for your kind words and understanding heart. I wrote a long, heartfelt res...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

Thank you , Elizabeth, for your kind words and understanding heart. I wrote a long, heartfelt response to your post the other day and...poof! It disappeared into cyber-space!!! It's late, so I will briefly repeat my gratitude AND my joy at finding a compassionate new friend who can understand the gamut of emotions, heart-breaking pain and intense spiritual examination we widows must undertake.

To Joan, I believe you have every right to he here on CM, as do I and any other widow or widower who recently lost a spouse. One of the reasons I joined was to find like-minded, solid Catholics with similar experiences and hopefully, to learn from them, find comfort, solace and direction in their advice...and, of course, God-willing, find a man to share my heart and life with one day. I have much love left to give, perhaps even more deeply than before. The pain of suffering a loved one's loss has a cleansing effect that enables us to see things clearly and from a more eternal aspect. In other words, we don't sweat the small stuff!

I have one beef about a reply I read elsewhere. A man said he was willing to 'let' his future wife keep some old pictures around their new home, 'even if they had some with their deceased husband in them'. What? You've got to be kidding me! 'LET' me keep treasured photos of the father of my five children and the man I was married to for almost 33 years out in plain view? Well, thank you, sir, how very condenscending of you.

OK. It's late. I don't want this to end on a sour note. I know, I'll tell you how excited I am about the upcoming Indy Chili Cook-Off I'm attending Feb. 10. It's not too late to sign up, if anyone else is considering going. It looks like a lot of fun with some great people. Hey, we start off the event with Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel. What better way to begin a Catholic get-together?

BONUS: my kids are all for it and are thrilled that I am spreading my wings and trying to meet new friends.

--hide--
Hi Tracy, the real kicker to your reference about the gentleman saying "He'd let his future wife keep some old pictures around even if they had her deceased husband in them", was that he's a never married man.

Is it any wonder I don't feel comfortable sharing in this room for widows/widowers??

Jan 31st 2013 new

Hi Linda.


MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED OPEN WHEN I READ THAT!!! I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but PLLEEEEASE!!!

Then where DO widows share concerns like this? Private messaging is ok, but we have to find each other first. Plus, allowing other widows/widowers to follow our thoughts can have a healing, positive outlet for their own confusion and anxiety, but without the stress of putting their raw emotions out of the line for all to see and possibly be shred. We're hurting enough without any more added burden.

The only other widows in my home town are much older ( I still have my youngest 14 year old daughter at home), although the pain of losing our loves probably only increases with the years spent together, I don't know...

Another widow a few years older than me is an emotional wreck right now, and my married friends (many of whom don't feel too comfortable around me), keep saying they just can't imagine what I'm going through. Well, they're right. So, they really can't relate. They want to comfort me, but must protect their own emotions from considering how they truly WOULD feel, cope, survive, live, without THEIR husbands. And that's scary for them, so they avoid any reminder of our mortality...me!

Paul WANTED me to allow someone to discover, care for, love and share my life. What a gift he gave me in this selfless act. He was trying to free me from any possible future 'guilt trips' about dating and maybe marrying another man one day, God-willing.

Jan 31st 2013 new

Linda, where is Algonac? I see it's in the Archdiocese of Detroit. I grew up in Dearborn Heights.

Jan 31st 2013 new

(Quote) Joan-461057 said: I am also recently widowed, and I understand what Tracey is asking. Of course if we truly intend t...
(Quote) Joan-461057 said:

I am also recently widowed, and I understand what Tracey is asking. Of course if we truly intend to follow God's will for us, we will remain open to whoever he sends, Divorcee's suffer from as real and painful a grief process as widows/widowers. But right now, still in the early loss stage, I am drawn to those who suffer the death of a loved one. It is so much easier to relate to a man who is sad about his previous marriage, but is without the bitterness and anger that is inevitable in the divorced. I think both forms of grief are legitimate, and I think that eventually it wont matter, but in this early stage, someone with a similar experience is just easier. Perhaps that has less to do with the way marriage was ended and more to do with my readiness to move on which may not be complete just yet. My question is this; do I have the right to be on this site if I'm still actively grieving for my husband? I'm here more for the compionship of similar situations then for a soulmate - yet! Should I cancel and come back in a year or two.

--hide--



Joan, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad you are here. This is a great place to get to know other widows and widowers and share our experiences in this healing process. Since you asked, I think you should stay. We have to be a bit tough skinned here because we expose ourselves to criticisms and opinions of those who have no read idea what our experience is like. That, I think, is the only downside I see to CM. But, if you can tough out those posts, I think it will be a positive experience for you. I found it helpful to read other widows posts to help me realize I am quite normal and my emotions are reasonable. What you have written is well thought out and well presented. I hope you will keep posting because I'm looking forward to hearing from you.


God bless,


Elizabeth

Jan 31st 2013 new

Some very wise words!

Too many widow(er)s expect too much of themselves too soon. You have to figure out who "I" am now that "I" am no longer part of "us". IT TAKES TIME.

I personally look for widowers and never-marrieds (because I'm reluctant to deal with an annulled man's crazy ex-wife). The way I see it:

- the fact that a man never married does not indicate that he doesn't understand how to have a relationship

- the fact that I was successfully married means I do understand, and lends patience to the process.

Jan 31st 2013 new

She is willing to ease your troubles, too, if she's been alone long enough to have got past the immediate grief.

Yours is an attitude I think many never-marrieds never think about: no matter how long the marriage, the deceased spouse is a significant person in the widowed one's life and has affected who he/she is now. You can put it away in boxes, but the you still remember shared occasions and laugh at old funny memories. A new love who will be generous enough to recognize this is what we all seek.

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