(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:
I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:
I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?
Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...
p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.
Your internal debate is one that all the widows I have discussed this issue with have, Tracy. It is hard to imagine that someone who does not have the experience of a real sacrificial love will understand our loss. I have personally struggled with this issue. When and if I marry again, it will be with the same commitment I had in my first marriage, and I have wondered if someone who did not have our experience would or could have the same commitment.
These concerns have been discussed in this room before and have been met with some harshness from divorce CMers who chose to chastise those of us in the Widows & Widowers room discussion. That has pretty much chased those discussions underground and they have become emails rather than this room's threads.
I did not feel that I could leave you out here on your own, so I am, with some trepidation, responding to your post.
I have come to the conclusion that the only man I would ever consider would respect who I am which includes my life experience...and that includes a successful 34 year marriage and the memory of the man to whom I was married. And, I believe a man whose marriage was annulled and one who has never been married could be that man.
I think is it sad that men with this history have not been a part of a beautiful, sacrificial marriage and I think his desire to do so could bring a broader dimension to a marriage with me than the experience that I have had. Also, my experience could bring a clear understanding of the commitment and happiness a sacrificial marriage offers.
I have become very comfortable with the fact that God has led me this far and I can leave this issue of a new marriage quite comfortably in His hands. This is not to say that I don’t get a bit nervous about such a decision. I am by nature a logical person and I tend to over analyze things. However, after a long grieving period, I have found balance in my life, I have allowed my husband to be at peace with God and me to be at peace with myself and God, and I started a new life as a single person. I have gone out on several dates, but so far I have not met the man I think I would like to marry. But, I didn’t even want to marry David, so I could be wrong again.
So, to answer your question, yes I think you can find happiness with not only someone who is a widower, but also someone who is divorce/annulled or never been married. I think it is about the individual and not the classification.
I hope this helps, Tracy. Keep posting. There are so many wonderful and kind people here on CM.