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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Feb 2nd 2013 new

Hi Tracy,

I am sorry for your loss as well and it is a question I myself have pondered. Being widowed is such a crazy, liminal phase. My husband's wish was to be cremated and his cremains buried and then when I die to have them buried with me. I said to my best friend one day, how do I say to a new man who might want to be in my life, yes I can marry you, but when I die you have to make sure and rebury my first husband with me? She just looked at me and smiled and said, they will understand and if they don't well then they probably aren't the right guy.

It still seems a little like some surreal dream. So I don't have an answer at all, but am glad you asked the question so I might find some insight into this as well lol.

Lauren

Feb 2nd 2013 new
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his b...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

I am recently widowed after my dear husband Paul died in my arms (cancer). While he was ill, Paul gave me his blessing and permission to 'move forward' and did not want me to be alone. After being a member of CM since New Year's Eve 2012 (my birthday is New Year's Day), I am wondering if I ~ and any widow/widower ~ should limit their search for a partner/helpmate/future spouse to only other widows/widowers. Considering the unique circumstances, grief and pain of loss that we bear, is it possible that someone other than 'us' could ever truly relate?

Can a 'never married' or 'divorced' person ever understand and accept the path of married love that we had and lost? Help me out here...I'm trying to navigate my way through very murky and stormy waters...

p.s. Please don't beat me up. I am the child of divorced Catholic parents, so I DO have insight into both worlds. Unfortunately, I have now become a member of both unwelcome 'clubs'.

--hide--


Feb 2nd 2013 new

Hi,

Thanks for your post! My husband also died of cancer over 6 years ago. It has taken me that long to even want to try to move on with another relationship. DId not do much dating before I got married. I have no idea how to date or be someones girlfriend - I only know how to be a great wife. I just signed up for this website yesterday, although have been on another one for a little while.

It has been very difficult for me to date, to not compare and to not have my husband right there in the room - although I know he wants me to and we also had the talk about moving on I question if I will ever be ready - Am trying to pray for God's will.

My gut feeling right now is to stick with widowers - they don't come with the incredible baggage and lack of trust issues that a lot of divorced men never seem to let go of. Just my experience.

Take care,

Darcy

Feb 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Darcy-939728 said: Hi,Thanks for your post! My husband also died of cancer over 6 years ago. It has taken me...
(Quote) Darcy-939728 said:

Hi,

Thanks for your post! My husband also died of cancer over 6 years ago. It has taken me that long to even want to try to move on with another relationship. DId not do much dating before I got married. I have no idea how to date or be someones girlfriend - I only know how to be a great wife. I just signed up for this website yesterday, although have been on another one for a little while.

It has been very difficult for me to date, to not compare and to not have my husband right there in the room - although I know he wants me to and we also had the talk about moving on I question if I will ever be ready - Am trying to pray for God's will.

My gut feeling right now is to stick with widowers - they don't come with the incredible baggage and lack of trust issues that a lot of divorced men never seem to let go of. Just my experience.

Take care,

Darcy

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Hi Darcy, I just responded to another of your post in another thread. We seem to have a lot in common. David died 6 years ago after a surgery. A huge shock. It took me over 4 years to realize I was really single. The words "single" and "dating" were words I never thought I would use in connection with myself. For some crazy reason, both made me angry. Fortunately, the last two years, I have found some balance and now actually enjoy life and am enjoying the independence that I never had before.

I went from my parents to my husband and had a great marriage. What this meant, though, is that I had no preparation to live alone. David used to have me call our local police to walk me to my car(I live in a wonderful, small country town) if I stayed at the office after dark. I remember the first time, I didn't call them...I felt like I was breaking a rule and I suppose I was. He was always very concerned about my safety and well-being. That has been a real shock...there is no other human being out there who on a daily is basis caring about my safety and well-being. That was a shock that really shook me up and took a while to adjust to. I'm not so sure I have adjusted to it yet.


As for the dating, I've found that even some widowers have their baggage. Some date too soon and are looking for someone to fill the shoes of their deceased wife rather than be their new wife. I expect to honor whatever history and family my new spouse would have and have him do the same, but I also expect that we will hold the positions of "most important" in each others lives. It's an interesting road and I am now enjoying being on it. I'll pray that you find what you need to enjoy your new path, Darcy. On the days that have been the most bleak, I shook myself out of it by reminding myself that God is with me, and has so much more out there for me to do.


In Christ,


Elizabeth

Feb 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Tracy-929496 said: Andrea, I agree with everything you said. Of course, most people have suffered loss, heartbreak, ...
(Quote) Tracy-929496 said:

Andrea, I agree with everything you said. Of course, most people have suffered loss, heartbreak, and have carried heavy burdens, especially the older one gets. It's part of the human experience. How we approach and view these challenges is what makes us Catholics unique.

I am beginning to see things from a different perspective. Thank you all so much for your input. It's been very enlightening. I am satisfied that joining this site was indeed a wise decision.

--hide--


I don't know how long ago your loss has been, but I believe you said recent. I think it is very tempting to fill the holes in our heart with someone else, and I think that - is what is to be careful of.

Don't hurt yourself unnecessarily - so limiting is not wrong by any means.

Grief takes quite a long time to process. When my sister died, it took me a good 10 years to feel that I had truly reached the acceptance stage. I still live with the loss of course, but I have a different view now.

I also learned this, I told myself I learned a great deal about grief and how to do it better next time, the grieving process is not going to take me as long the next go around. I said to myself, I understand these feelings, I don't have to torture myself with them next time.

Well, the next round of grief did come to me - I was prepared, but it would still take me 10 years because it was all different. Alzheimer's itself takes that long, and its been a slow gradual letting go.

So, everyone's experience of loss is quite unique. And like you, I probably find comfort in others that have the shared experience of sadness that comes from losing someone they love.

Feb 2nd 2013 new

Tracy, I am sorry for your loss. Grief comes in it's own time. No one is the same. Also, I think since everyone has had loss and crosses in their life it could be just a matter of situation. When God brings the 'one' into your life he will understand and love you more no matter what his situation has been. You will always have that history with your husband, the pictures, the memories and all. Those will remian in your heart always. And then there is the cemetary..I will always visit and place decorations. He is right near my parents so I will be there. And don't fret the club is always full, they have their own clubs,and if someone doesn't understand, well they will someday. I know that many people around me don't get it either. They sometimes don't know what to say. As you may feel, it is ok if they don't know what to say, it is just nice that they care enough to say something. So keep your chin up God is with you. God bless....take care, Jane Praying hug

Feb 2nd 2013 new

Thanks Tracy and others for replying to this question. I am a widow who has asked myself the same question. I've gone back and forth on my answers with some of the same responses that have been posted here. What I always continue to remind myself is that I'm not in charge. I only want to do God's will and that means praying about every person and every situation I encounter. I wish I had the answer and I wish I could see the future, but I'm even happier to leave it up to God, the ONE who has all the answers! :)

Feb 2nd 2013 new

Hi Tracy, I lost my wife of 23 years on Dec. 28, 2012. She suffered from a rare blood disorder called PNH. 2012 was a very difficult year with assisted living facilities and hospital stays. The month of December was very hard going through the hospice process. The month of January has been consumed with more grieving as I go through my wife's estate and her things. I recently joined CM to start the process of taking the next steps. I am initally focusing on widows and never married. It is not going to be an easy process and we will need to figure out how to make our match feel important and for us to open ourselves to new possibilities without diminishing what we had.

I was also shocked about the comment of the "pictures" and we may run into folks that feel that way and we will need to avoid them through this process. The proces is going to be hard but we need to take comfort in our faith.

Feb 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Lori-911365 said: Thanks Tracy and others for replying to this question. I am a widow who has asked myself the same ...
(Quote) Lori-911365 said:

Thanks Tracy and others for replying to this question. I am a widow who has asked myself the same question. I've gone back and forth on my answers with some of the same responses that have been posted here. What I always continue to remind myself is that I'm not in charge. I only want to do God's will and that means praying about every person and every situation I encounter. I wish I had the answer and I wish I could see the future, but I'm even happier to leave it up to God, the ONE who has all the answers! :)

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I am so sorry for your loss, Lori, but I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the fora. There are a lot of kind souls here. It sounds like you are right on track...I think we are all happier when we leave everything up to God. My problem is that I often want to help him out.


- Elizabeth

Feb 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Jane-933948 said: Tracy, I am sorry for your loss. Grief comes in it's own time. No one is the same. Also, I thi...
(Quote) Jane-933948 said:

Tracy, I am sorry for your loss. Grief comes in it's own time. No one is the same. Also, I think since everyone has had loss and crosses in their life it could be just a matter of situation. When God brings the 'one' into your life he will understand and love you more no matter what his situation has been. You will always have that history with your husband, the pictures, the memories and all. Those will remian in your heart always. And then there is the cemetary..I will always visit and place decorations. He is right near my parents so I will be there. And don't fret the club is always full, they have their own clubs,and if someone doesn't understand, well they will someday. I know that many people around me don't get it either. They sometimes don't know what to say. As you may feel, it is ok if they don't know what to say, it is just nice that they care enough to say something. So keep your chin up God is with you. God bless....take care, Jane

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I am so sorry for your loss, Tracy, but so glad you have joined us. CM can be such a wonderful way to fill the empty moments and make new friends. I'll look forward to more of your encouraging posts. wave smile


- Elizabeth

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