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Jan 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Patricia-29176 said: Ray, I think you're looking at this more from the point of view that a scammer woul...
(Quote) Patricia-29176 said:



Ray, I think you're looking at this more from the point of view that a scammer would just be after money, and that is true generally. I think what most women are concerned about on a dating site though is men who would hurt them in some way - be it lying to them, assault and/or rape, etc. And, obviously this is not as much of a worry for men (since generally they are physically larger/stronger than women). And, this has been known to happen. There are 2 incidents out in the press now about what happened to women on match.com. One woman is in the hospital - almost lost her life. The second woman was raped I think and she settled out of court with match. com. The woman in hospital has filed a $10 million dollar lawsuit. After the out-of court settlement, Match.com did slightly alter some of it's procedures. This current case though may totally change the way online dating sites do business because however this suit is settled will likely affect the way all of these sites handle things.

I would hope that the men on this site would be a bit more sensitive to the concerns of the CM ladies. I myself in the past spoke to a gentleman with impeccable credentials - symphony conductor, doctorate degree, lived in a very nice suburban area, supposedly good Catholic. In the course of our first telephone conversation (and fortunately I had not given him my phone number and blocked my number) toward the end of our conversation he told me how he had considered killing his ex-wife and then killing himself. He also sounded extremely angry towards her. I suggested to him that perhaps it would be beneficial to him if he saw a therapist, and he said that he was seeing 2 therapists but it wasn't doing any good. He also said he was restrained from seeing his children (thank God). So, of course, I said goodbye and good luck, and he then sent me a quite nasty message on the site (which was another Catholic site). This is the kind of thing women are worried about. What if he hadn't revealed these things and I had gone to meet him? The kind of anger he had could result in him lashing out at any woman. Now, could a background check have stopped this? Possibly, depending if there had been a police record, which I think was entirely possible since he had a restraining order against him. And, since I didn't have his last name and most men will not give out there last name right away, there was no way for me to do any kind of So, I do think that it would be helpful if the internet dating sites were able to do at least some type of minimal criminal/sex offender checking, and my guess is that at some point in the future that is what will happen, because otherwise I think in this litigious society we live in, the lawsuits are bound to multiply.

--hide--
Pat -- I do understand your concerns and wish the reasons for them didn't exist and hope my comments aren't construed as being indifferent. I am well aware that some CM members are affected by mental illness, although most of it is not the type to result in harm to one's self or others. Having had the experience you summarized would no doubt make anyone shaky; no doubt that person doesn't have both of his oars in the water. You have to wonder what this guy was thinking anyway. How would he hope to endear himself to a woman having said what he did? And then the nasty follow-up message as if you were at fault? Ridiculous and troublesome.

For the sake of some brevity, I was commenting mainly upon scammers. They do look for vulnerable people, but there is that time element that could eventually give them away.

There are common sense precautions that everyone should (i.e., must) be taken to feel at least a reasonable degree of safety. These should be followed whether meeting someone from online or personal encounters. Sadly, a lot of which you speak probably won't appear in public records.

When dating CM women, I've done what I can to make sure the lady is comfortable in her surroundings. While there's no need to worry, I can understand she is initially meeting someone unknown to her. Accordingly, there's no pressure to go anywhere that would cause discomfort or worry. Causing fear in someone isn't conducive to a pleasant date.

I do believe that even the best of precautions can't prevent all acts of violence or threats -- and that is unfortunate. Will that eventually doom online dating? We'll have to wait and see.

For now, I see limitations of online dating mainly because the guys just aren't getting together with the gals. Unless meetings and dates take place, no one will find the type of person they are seeking.

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

What's next...the local bar not letting me in until I let them do a background check on me? The city park doing a background check on me before I can take my nephew to the playground? My church not letting me go to mass or to the pancake breakfast without them doing a background check? I would not be in favour of this being made mandatory...I think it's a slippery slope. Maybe I'm a bit naive about the world some of you live in, but it seems to be a very different world than I live in. There are other ways to take precautions...this just seems like overkill to me.

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

[quote]Patricia-29176 said:

517 sex offenders came up - yikes!


I knew you would be shocked! faint

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: Pat -- I do understand your concerns and wish the reasons for them didn't exist and hope my com...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

Pat -- I do understand your concerns and wish the reasons for them didn't exist and hope my comments aren't construed as being indifferent. I am well aware that some CM members are affected by mental illness, although most of it is not the type to result in harm to one's self or others. Having had the experience you summarized would no doubt make anyone shaky; no doubt that person doesn't have both of his oars in the water. You have to wonder what this guy was thinking anyway. How would he hope to endear himself to a woman having said what he did? And then the nasty follow-up message as if you were at fault? Ridiculous and troublesome.

For the sake of some brevity, I was commenting mainly upon scammers. They do look for vulnerable people, but there is that time element that could eventually give them away.

There are common sense precautions that everyone should (i.e., must) be taken to feel at least a reasonable degree of safety. These should be followed whether meeting someone from online or personal encounters. Sadly, a lot of which you speak probably won't appear in public records.

When dating CM women, I've done what I can to make sure the lady is comfortable in her surroundings. While there's no need to worry, I can understand she is initially meeting someone unknown to her. Accordingly, there's no pressure to go anywhere that would cause discomfort or worry. Causing fear in someone isn't conducive to a pleasant date.

I do believe that even the best of precautions can't prevent all acts of violence or threats -- and that is unfortunate. Will that eventually doom online dating? We'll have to wait and see.

For now, I see limitations of online dating mainly because the guys just aren't getting together with the gals. Unless meetings and dates take place, no one will find the type of person they are seeking.

--hide--


Yes, Ray, you are right that a lot of things (including mental illness) would not appear in public records unless, of course, the person had done something violent and been convicted. And, I certainly appreciate when any CM man makes an effort to alleviate any "fear". I'm sure other women on this site do also.

And, I also agree with you that the guys and gals just aren't getting together from the online dating. I do think that what Pat in Chicago has started doing with her face-to-face events/parties and also Match.com has started doing with what it calls stir events (they get a group of similar age/similar location people together by invite which of course you pay extra for such as a group cooking class at a local restaurant with wine and salad served of an evening for about $60 per person) may be an answer (or at least a partial answer) to this dilemma. I have attended 3 of Pat's 4 events and they were all great fun, men mingled with women and viceversa, and hopefully at least a few people connected (although I don't personally know of any dates that resulted from this). Unfortunately since the age range she is inviting is 40-60 I'm at the very upper end of her demographic so usually only 1-3 men at each event who are roughly my age (meaning plus or minus 4 years). But, I think Pat's premise is very sound and perhaps we should be trying to do more of these type of group events (especially since Pat balances the number of men and women at her events, unlike most of the other CM member events which from what I've heard and the one event I attended seem to have about 4 women or more per man (great odds for you guys, thoughbiggrin ).

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Peter-189584 said: What's next...the local bar not letting me in until I let them do a background check on me? T...
(Quote) Peter-189584 said:

What's next...the local bar not letting me in until I let them do a background check on me? The city park doing a background check on me before I can take my nephew to the playground? My church not letting me go to mass or to the pancake breakfast without them doing a background check? I would not be in favour of this being made mandatory...I think it's a slippery slope. Maybe I'm a bit naive about the world some of you live in, but it seems to be a very different world than I live in. There are other ways to take precautions...this just seems like overkill to me.

--hide--


We are in a different world - or at least a different country! And, as I'm sure you've seen in the news, we seem to be having a lot of very violent incidents in this country lately resulting in mass casualties. Now, this isn't the same as that, but violent incidents (as I mentioned previouslyl) aimed at women by men they met through match.com have also been in the news lately. So, I think our consciousness about such events and the possibility of violence has been heightened.

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

(Quote) Debbie-443016 said: you can run your own background check on someone....you can do it on line.
(Quote) Debbie-443016 said:

you can run your own background check on someone....you can do it on line.

--hide--

Yes, Debbie & you can also ask any attorney friends to check the sites or means they have to help out & still be done confidentially. There's so much available in public records.

...But, after conversing w/ someone a while (giving it time) you can also discern, using the help of the Holy Spirit for the truth.

LOCKED
Jan 26th 2013 new

Patricia, in regards to scammers, I've got a kinda 'farout" story I heard about last year from my male friend & neighbor (I'll keep his name private for his sake) :) He said he was writing a girl who claimed...and even listed her profile to be from our same city. After a period of communicating w/ her, she finally told him she was from Africa & wanted him to come & visit! I thought I had heard it all! Well, I see from this, CM must not verify addresses for it's members (unless this has changed).

About 2-3 yrs. ago, I also noticed duplicate listings/profiles for the same guy, yet he had 2 different names, but he clearly from his pic's was the same guy. I wonder what this "twin" guy's motive's were? Did he answer his profile ques's differently on each? I never took the time to check these out!

...Just some notes on what I've heard & seen...not including a scammer I saw on another smaller Catholic web site. Peace! wave

LOCKED
Jan 27th 2013 new

I wish they would. A woman in NY was just raped by someone she met on Match.com

I found a guy who viewed me and when I sent him an emotiongram---he withdrew his profile.
Turned out to be my friends husband and he's Jewish.
What a slime.I'm still sick about it and don't know what to do with this info.
I contacted CM but they ignored me.
My friends knew my husband was cheating and I wish they had told me.

What would you do?

LOCKED
Jan 27th 2013 new

It's sad to read about scammers and people who misrepresent who they are. It is easier to be dishonest using the internet, and I had a man on Match.com contact me that also had another profile with another name and state on it. I emailed him asking which one he really was, after I had contacted Match.com to alert them to the situation. He then made his profile unavailable to me, and I am hoping he was let go from the site. You would think he would have used a different picture for his second profile, at least! I like the idea of having a friend(s) go to the first meeting and be anonymous customers..say, at a coffee shop. They can happen to leave at the same time we did, and go to the parking area he does. If his behavior is suspicious they can glimpse a license plate and make of the car.

LOCKED
Jan 27th 2013 new

I don't want to minimize the situation the victim from match.com found herself in and I don't want to say it could not happen here, but anything that happens on the internet has happened and continues to happen in real life without the world wide web.

CM is a small subset of folks looking for a faith and romantic connection. That in itself eliminates the vast majority of pervs found on other generic, secular sites. Criminals go for the easy pickin's and CM is an auwfully long way around the barn.

I dare say very few sex offenders received their label attacking middle-aged women. Very few! The vast majority molested children and ones related to them. It's the same on CM as it is on a college campus where I have advised young women. Again, even rapists are going to target small women who they take down not the bigger ones who are tougher to tackle. Just saying that all women are not at equal risk.

And, Pat, you must know from HIPPA, the liability CM would have with addtional info such as SSNs. I see the extra expense that it would cost us all would only give us a false sense of security. It's highly unlikely that a background check would uncover anything on the gentleman you mentioned. Background checks only include ajudicated crimes not every police call or even pending litagation.

I've met men in real life who are still married yet wanted me to believe they were single. I've dated men in real life who have lied about their age. And, I have a dear friend who was scammed for a great deal of money by a man she met in real life. (He's in prison.)

Let's keep the chatter up in the pinkies room to educate every sister how to be safe in real life and on dating sites.

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