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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Apr 19th 2014 new
I just saw this thread today, let me weigh in.To me Timothy's question about the rings is representative of the bigger picture.This includes several questions which I have thought about.

Beyond the ring,There are items of clothing, pictures, memorabilia.,and Crazily enough the pillows on the bed. Another thing is the issue of mourning period, when to date, what not to say when not to talk about your deceased spouse I have found there are many facets of being a widower.

Before I address these issues, I agree with several that this discussion evokes much sadness.The ring, In my situation, I do not wear jewelry except for a watch and not at work.rings are are a hazard in my work, I used to take weeding ring off and put in pocket but was afraid i would some day lose it. The last few years My wife's fingers would swell and she could not wear hers.I keep our rings in a jewelry box.Crucifix is in my bedroom.

I donated my wife's clothes within a few months to our K of C auction and Catholic charities.It was hard to do but in my heart, I knew they would do more good donated to charity than sitting in closets.My daughter has uploaded many of our photo album pics to her Fb page. I have not taken down any pictures of her or her family from my walls also have not found any reason to remove figurines items from our travels or anything else at this point.It may sound crazy but I still wash and put back her pillows on the bed.


About the mourning period.My wife died 6 days after our 39th anniversary .I had been married 2/3 of my entire life. From my own experience I can say there is no arbitrary mourning period, I had a long discussion with my He told me not to go by timetables, that I would know in my heart when I was ready to move on and to pray about it.Three months after my died a good friend of mine lost his wife to cancer, she was bed ridden for a year. He started dating a lady at church a few months later and people thought it was scandalous. He told me they did not realize but for the past two years he had become her care taker instead of husband and was hurt by this. I told him I fully understood, Because , the last few years of our marriage,Connie was in the hospital many times, and I spent the night at the hospital just about every night she was there.


As far as not being the same person a year then two years later,I find that a valid statement.The first few months I was a mess, Only my faith. friends family and running a business kept me together.After that every month was new step. About at the 1 year mark, I came to the realization that I had been handed a new life, and since God gives us free will it is up to me to make it a full and faithful life, with God's grace and guidance, hopefully another gift from God to share my life with.

Lat but not least , the subject of honoring a deceased love one, which is really what this topic I is about. My mother always told me what Timothy said, You should honor people while they alive and be kind to them while they alive, do things for them while they are alive.As far as honoring my wife and being reminded of her, Every time I look at my daughter and new grand son i reminded of the love My wife and I shared. To me to honor her is to make sure my daughter and grand children know I am there for anything they need and I care for them deeply.
May 27th 2014 new
(quote) Lauren-927923 said:

Guess I will need to learn that as well, I still say my husband instead of Pete. . .its hard I can remember when we were first married I was so proud to be a wife and I loved the way "my husband" sounded and felt to say it. . .silly maybe.

Lauren, not silly at all! I remember how happy I was to say "my wife" especially on our honeymoon, but even in the 5 short years that followed. At first I found myself saying "my wife" almost all the time, but now as time progresses I'm more apt to say Steph. Either way, our spouses become an integral part of who we are today, and no matter how we refer to them doesn't change how much they really are a part of us today - even if they're not with us.
May 27th 2014 new
(quote) Jane-933948 said: I still look down at my ring finger and feel the ring still there. I touch my finger and roll the area around as if the ring is still there. I miss it and sometimes visit our rings. I hope someday I call cover that space again with another just as wonderful.
Jane I can relate to that feeling. When I miss Steph the most I find myself looking at my ring finger, and wishing I had a ring on the finger.
Jun 19th 2014 new
Good for you. We only live once and although we have morals and faith we are only human and God made us that way.I have been widowed for 17 years and have been on my own for all that time. I took my wedding ring off about 6 years ago. So what. Makes no difference. x
Jun 19th 2014 new
Hi. How right are you. I have been widowed for 17 years and haven't as yet met anyone to take my beautiful husband's place. We were married for 29 years with the usual ups and downs - like any marriage. I took my ring off about 6 years ago but whenever i go on holiday with my widow friend, i always put it back on. Don't think i will ever meet a gentleman at this rate!
Jun 28th 2014 new
Well said.
I lost my Husband at the age of 54 8 months ago and I am wearing both our rings as I just put his on first and mine, which is smaller next and it holds his next to mine. I tried taking mine off and I think it lasted a day. So when I put it back on I put his on with it.
He had a sudden heart attack while working in California and we live in Wisconsin and when we got David home he did not have his ring on as they told me at the medical examiners office they must of took it off when they were trying to save him. So I received his wallet and ring in the mail two months after the funeral. Later, came the box with the clothes thy cut off of him and his leather work boots. and finally I got a box with his cell phone in it.
I still cry and think about him everyday.
I guess he told several other people he wasn't feeling to good and was going to go get checked when he got home, but never made it home. I am sad because I talked to him two hours before he died and he never said a word about not feeling good. I would of told him to get right to the emergency room as heart problems run in his family.
I almost feel mad at him right now which I know sounds terrible, but maybe if he would of told me he would still be here with me.
What do you think???
Aug 28th 2014 new
Hello Andrew,

i was was glad to hear you challenge that priest's opinion of how long it takes to grieve. I have a good friend who is a psychologist and a Theologian. He and his wife have been dear friends for over 30 years. I asked him point blank during the first few months after my husband died, and he also said two years. I trusted his knowledge (and still do, most of the time), but he was so wrong. It has been five years, and just over this past year I realized I was missing being married more than missing Jimmy. Before this, I couldn't even think of dating. So now I have joined CM and prepare for any opportunities.

I've gotten older, so maybe I missed a window of opportunity, but that is just the way it was.

Thank you for your help, and may God bless you and yours,

Mary
Aug 28th 2014 new
Dearest Denise,

Please, please don't dwell on the circumstances of his death. I am sure you have many, many wonderful moments in your marriage that brought you joy. Place your anger in God's hands and ask Him to remove it, or you could become bitter, and make your grieving process longer and harder. God called him home. You need to forgive David. You need to release him. I know I sound a bit strong, but I went through something similar with my daughter, although I was angry at myself and couldn't forgive myself, and the results were awful.

Pray to forgive him, and whenever the thought enters your mind, replace it with a happy moment you shared. Try to make it a practice.

I will pray for you

Blessings,

Mary

Aug 28th 2014 new
Dearest Denise,

Please, please don't dwell on the circumstances of his death. I am sure you have many, many wonderful moments in your marriage that brought you joy. Place your anger in God's hands and ask Him to remove it, or you could become bitter, and make your grieving process longer and harder. God called him home. You need to forgive David. You need to release him. I know I sound a bit strong, but I went through something similar with my daughter, although I was angry at myself and couldn't forgive myself, and the results were awful.

Pray to forgive him, and whenever the thought enters your mind, replace it with a happy moment you shared. Try to make it a practice.

I will pray for you

Blessings,

Mary

Aug 28th 2014 new
Thank you, Mary for bumping this thread to the surface. I had not seen it.
Thank you all for understanding that I tiptoe into this room from time to time, not because I have a right to (after all, I have been branded with the Scrlet letter "D") but because I wish to learn from you. It seems a sacred place, so I (normally) creep in, listen a while and withdraw quietly. You do not need my words.
There is more faith, brokenness, and grace here than anywhere else on CM. Thank you.
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