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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
Learn More:Abraham & Sarah

Feb 18th 2013 new

Dennis,

I have to respond with another view, hope you understand. A woman I dated for 2 years blurted out "What were you thinking?" regarding my two youngest being born. It helped me see our relationship in a new light. She was a daughter to a peditrician and worked in his clinic so she was great with my children. They loved her. However, her statement revealed something she withheld earlier. She needed more time with me alone, which I gave her. Things improved radically for all. However, the dad side of me came out as well, and I told her that every one of my children was special and important to me, as were her children to me. Each of my two youngest born (now 10 and 12) defied the expert doctor's claim to us that "you can never have children again." My point is that regardless the doctor, these children had no choice in being born. It is not clear that one is mine, but I never would treat her as anything but my own. I view them as a gift and love them dearly and completely. All children (and grandchildren) need attention, mine are no exception. Usually this is in proportion to their age, the youngest require more than older children. Most women are very intuitive to this and recognize it more than men. In marriage I think it requires a certain clarity to recognize while children do not replace a spouse, their age based requirement for attention and authentic love is imparative to their well being and that of the spouse. Petition for annulment gave me a certain advantage in that I can honestly say what I discovered after wedding, that I was never married. I tried with all my heart to make it a marriage, but failed. Perhpas it was the grace of God really. My two youngest girls told me they want me to re-marry, but "We don't want a mean stepmother." They have been VERY receptive to two women I introduced them to, but really cool to a third. Turns out so far, their intuitive side was right!

I want to make these points really clear: (1) human relationships can be VERY complicated. If young children are involved, as a former Big Brother and as a Dad, I think it is obvious and imparative that they be given the best possible shot at having a positive relationship with the future spouse because that matters, so listen carefully to all parties, allow them the best possible relationship knowing full well that no matter how bad the relationship they were born into, most children want their parents back together again and will act to make that happen; (2) an ex-spouse can exert positive or terrible influence on the children - sometimes with cause. In my case the ex's longest term live-in boyfriend had a criminal sex record. His brother was a registered pedophile. The court refused to place children with me because he had served his time and evidence was circumstantial! I confronted my ex, who did nothing, not even to read the police records, so I told my daughters to stay away from that guy and his brother. (She did finally read the report and made a public thing in court of breaking up with him, but was seeing him privately. Ha - he wasted no time and married a 4th time.) I think a less mature man (or woman) would not recognize the best thing to do, but I had to inject myslef into that relationship for the protection of my children. Otherwise in my opinion, my ex's relationship(s) are between her and God, not involving me whatsoever. I told her, and I mean it when I say, that I hope she enters into a loving committed realtionship in marriage and that our children are honored and loved by that spouse, but I will always be their Dad. However, as stated by the court selected psychiologist, your children "have never had a mother." The oldest daughter said, Its true, but she is a good coach. If given authentic love by a step father or step mother, children may respond with all their heart. Mine can. There are some really good women in CM who have heart and mind to be terrific wives and great mothers/stepmothers. I think you read responses from some of them in this forum... Seek a woman with wisdom like these. God blesses people in legitimate sacramental marriage. She, your children, and you will always rejoice in that choice, even if some children take longer than others to realize it.

Feb 18th 2013 new
(Quote) Dennis-944077 said: I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young children in t...
(Quote) Dennis-944077 said:

I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young children in their lives?


I suspect women who have already raised their children and maybe even have grandchildren aren't interested in meeting anyone with young children, even if the little ones live with their mother most of the time. I am thinking that there maybe a perception that older men with young children are irresponsbible because they couldn't keep the family together or that they are weak.


I am not sure this is an appropriate subject for a forum, but I am curious. I've been praying about this for a while now.

--hide--
I am a school bus driver for 6 hours of the day. i love the high school kids that I have and I love the elementary kids that I have. They are a hoot! I have grand children that I can't squeeze enough and I have always enjoyed kids. Granted, these relationships are different than the situations that come from dating men with kids. it doesn't mean that I'd be closing doors because of children however
Feb 18th 2013 new
(Quote) John-875120 said: Dennis, I have to respond with another view, hope you understand. A woman I dated for 2 years blurted ou...
(Quote) John-875120 said:

Dennis,

I have to respond with another view, hope you understand. A woman I dated for 2 years blurted out "What were you thinking?" regarding my two youngest being born. It helped me see our relationship in a new light. She was a daughter to a peditrician and worked in his clinic so she was great with my children. They loved her. However, her statement revealed something she withheld earlier. She needed more time with me alone, which I gave her. Things improved radically for all. However, the dad side of me came out as well, and I told her that every one of my children was special and important to me, as were her children to me. Each of my two youngest born (now 10 and 12) defied the expert doctor's claim to us that "you can never have children again." My point is that regardless the doctor, these children had no choice in being born. It is not clear that one is mine, but I never would treat her as anything but my own. I view them as a gift and love them dearly and completely. All children (and grandchildren) need attention, mine are no exception. Usually this is in proportion to their age, the youngest require more than older children. Most women are very intuitive to this and recognize it more than men. In marriage I think it requires a certain clarity to recognize while children do not replace a spouse, their age based requirement for attention and authentic love is imparative to their well being and that of the spouse. Petition for annulment gave me a certain advantage in that I can honestly say what I discovered after wedding, that I was never married. I tried with all my heart to make it a marriage, but failed. Perhpas it was the grace of God really. My two youngest girls told me they want me to re-marry, but "We don't want a mean stepmother." They have been VERY receptive to two women I introduced them to, but really cool to a third. Turns out so far, their intuitive side was right!

I want to make these points really clear: (1) human relationships can be VERY complicated. If young children are involved, as a former Big Brother and as a Dad, I think it is obvious and imparative that they be given the best possible shot at having a positive relationship with the future spouse because that matters, so listen carefully to all parties, allow them the best possible relationship knowing full well that no matter how bad the relationship they were born into, most children want their parents back together again and will act to make that happen; (2) an ex-spouse can exert positive or terrible influence on the children - sometimes with cause. In my case the ex's longest term live-in boyfriend had a criminal sex record. His brother was a registered pedophile. The court refused to place children with me because he had served his time and evidence was circumstantial! I confronted my ex, who did nothing, not even to read the police records, so I told my daughters to stay away from that guy and his brother. (She did finally read the report and made a public thing in court of breaking up with him, but was seeing him privately. Ha - he wasted no time and married a 4th time.) I think a less mature man (or woman) would not recognize the best thing to do, but I had to inject myslef into that relationship for the protection of my children. Otherwise in my opinion, my ex's relationship(s) are between her and God, not involving me whatsoever. I told her, and I mean it when I say, that I hope she enters into a loving committed realtionship in marriage and that our children are honored and loved by that spouse, but I will always be their Dad. However, as stated by the court selected psychiologist, your children "have never had a mother." The oldest daughter said, Its true, but she is a good coach. If given authentic love by a step father or step mother, children may respond with all their heart. Mine can. There are some really good women in CM who have heart and mind to be terrific wives and great mothers/stepmothers. I think you read responses from some of them in this forum... Seek a woman with wisdom like these. God blesses people in legitimate sacramental marriage. She, your children, and you will always rejoice in that choice, even if some children take longer than others to realize it.

--hide--
Thanks for the compliment God bless you and your kids
Feb 18th 2013 new

Thanks John for sharing your experiences. I think it goes to show how complicated life can be.

This reminded of Luke:

6:37
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. In this I find solice and to know that we can teach our children these virtues. Thanks again.

Feb 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Dennis-944077 said: I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young...
(Quote) Dennis-944077 said:

I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young children in their lives?


I suspect women who have already raised their children and maybe even have grandchildren aren't interested in meeting anyone with young children, even if the little ones live with their mother most of the time. I am thinking that there maybe a perception that older men with young children are irresponsbible because they couldn't keep the family together or that they are weak.


I am not sure this is an appropriate subject for a forum, but I am curious. I've been praying about this for a while now.

--hide--


Dennis, I admire any man who raising their children, regardless of their age. However, there are a few factors that should be considered when thinking about being in a relationship with someone (man or woman) with young children:

1. Is the person you are considering a relationship with local? If they are not, and have children living with them full time, this could be an issue.

2. Is the ex-wife/husband local and do they share custody? If not, then that (especially in conjunction with the first factor) can be an even bigger issue.

3. Do the parents get along with each other and work with each other in regards to flexibility with sharing resposibility of the children? If not, and the parents don't look to the other for support in time management, or have another baby sitter they can use, this is also an issue. Add to the mix if there is resentment and bad feelings and the person you are seeing would rather chew off their right arm than approach the other parent to help take the kids. Well that opens up a whole 'nuther can of worms.

4. Is the job of either person in the relationship so demanding that time is limited that they can spend with each other? You could end up with kids and potential partner feeling neglected.

These things go along with people of any age, not just those in their 50's and older. I know younger couples who struggle with all of the above. However, those of us that are older and may have passed the mark where our kids require so much of our time, well, we might want the same from someone we would be in a relationship with.

As for your concerns about how a woman would feel looking at a man with young children being irresponsible because they couldn't keep their family together, well I think you are wrong about that! At least I don't see things that way.

Cat

Feb 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Dennis-944077 said: I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young...
(Quote) Dennis-944077 said:

I was wondering what women (perhaps in their 50s) think about men of the same age who have young children in their lives?


I suspect women who have already raised their children and maybe even have grandchildren aren't interested in meeting anyone with young children, even if the little ones live with their mother most of the time. I am thinking that there maybe a perception that older men with young children are irresponsbible because they couldn't keep the family together or that they are weak.


I am not sure this is an appropriate subject for a forum, but I am curious. I've been praying about this for a while now.

--hide--
...or vice-versa. My ten year old turns 11 on May 14. I had him when I was 36. He is a really good boy and I wouldn't want someone who wouldn't love us both anyway though. Plus, he won't be living at home much longer anyway....about 7-8 more years, I guess. It is going by SO fast!

Feb 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Loretta-678584 said: My son sort of falls into this category. He is scared of having children of his own. It is a concern t...
(Quote) Loretta-678584 said: My son sort of falls into this category. He is scared of having children of his own. It is a concern that he will have to walk through. he however married an older gal who has three children and he is thrilled. He is a great step dad to her young people. They love him and fuss at him as if he were their dad. It has been a blessing all around.
--hide--

This is a blessing. I think much of the apprehension with folks that are older and have young children, is that there seems so little time to establish boundaries. There may be tension and confusion is accepting and adapting. I don't know because I've never had the chance to see it work. In my case, my children live with their mom far away through the school year and I see them most of the summer and on the holidays. It isn't ideal but we make it work. I think keeping and open mind and heart is important. It seems to have worked for Loretta'a son.

Feb 22nd 2013 new

Hi Dennis, I think you have have hit on a question many of us, men and women, have wondered about...and prayed about. I agree with all the prior posters...there are as many ways to view this as there are people and potential partners.

I'll start with some generalizations:

Socially, traditional families that began when couples married for life and started raising children in their 20's, are no longer the majority.

Times have changed, but many practicing Catholics have still found ways to fulfill their vocations to marriage and parenthood.

Men and women BOTH have found themselves facing the concerns you raised, and wondered if they would find an understanding DATE, much less a spouse scratchchin

I personally am not sure where your concern about showing weakness comes from...but I can offer my perspective. Most of the great women here on CM (as you have seen by their posts), have great instincts and self-awareness. I have aquired great wisdom through the years...and I'm not afraid to use it! laughing laughing laughing

So, for me, the things foremost in my mind is that God controls it all, every last fear and concern. He DOES have a plan, and I choose to be open-hearted to Love, Light, and JOY...I don't worry about what it's going to look like, or what others might think.

Specifically, since you asked for the opinions of women my age, I will end on a humorous note:

I, too, have been asked questions and endured critique about 2 major child-related issues (men and women both!)

Related to the number of children I have, I have heard comments like "You have HOW many?", eyepopping "Don't you know what causes that?", rolling eyes "Are they all from the same Father?", "How much does it cost to feed them?" faint

Related to their ages, I have heard things like "That's quite a spread", "Are you finished?", "Your Grandson sure is handsome!" (when I shop with my 14 yr old), and so on and so forth laughing laughing laughing

I hope I have added some levity regarding our common fears....Cathy

Feb 23rd 2013 new

I consider that a plus. When I see in a post that children are part of a man's life it raises my respect for the person. For me, if a relationship were to become serious I would want there to be mutual desire for a shared path of self giving to others, be they the man's own children, nieces and nephews, or others in need of protection and loving care.

Feb 23rd 2013 new
"Iwould want there to be mutual desire for a shared path of self giving to others, be they the man's own children, nieces and nephews, or others in need of protection and loving care." I think something that stands out for me is learning to be more whole as a human being and especially as a child of God. Being honest about my circumstances, holding out to others what I love, value, and feel most vulnerable about is important. I like what Amelia wrote about a "mutual desire for a shared path." Thanks!
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