Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

error: Forum not initialized properly! Please check the link and try again.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

More Important: Head or Heart?

Feb 16th 2013 new

It has now been nearly 6 years since my short lived engagement ended. She was someone that I actually met on eharmony, dated for a year and then got engaged. Althought the pressure did get quite intense, I accept full responsiblity for the proposal and subsequent calling it off. It was a very emotionally difficult experience for me that still affects me to this day. (I can only imagine what it is like for those that are divorced or have had anullments.)

The most interesting thing about this woman was she was probably as close to the kind of woman most of my friends and family would have picked for me. She was conservative, a church going catholic, came from a good catholic family, well educated and very kind to others. Just about everyone that met her -liked her very much. But of course with just about every relationship, not everything was perfect. She could be very over-bearing at times, overly sensitive and despite only living 100 miles apart - did not want to move. But all things considered, I thought it made logical sense to marry her as I thought she would be a good wife and potential mother.


When it came time to get engaged, I nearly backed out (which in hindsite I wished I had), but went throught with it. But within days, I knew I had made a mistake and called it off just a few days later. We discussed going back to just dating, but after a year of dating and clearly being in two very different places, we separated for good. The reality was I knew that I really wasn't in love with her and never would be, as much as I had tried to convince myself that I was in love with her before.


Upon calling off the engagement, my family initially wasn't happy but they came to accept it after they realized it was the right decision. In many years of catholic single life, I have been told that you should just try to find someone you are compatiable with and the rest will follow. Upon my experience, I don't necessarily believe that is the case, but perhaps some of you have had different experiences.


So, what do you use in dating: head, heart or some combination of both?





Feb 16th 2013 new

Combination. Heart will begin, but Head must rule before you arrive to meet her for an Altar Date.

I liked your description of the process. In 1971, as I've described before, I "co-ended" a relationship, which 4 months after we brokeup her Mother asked me why I hadn't marred her daughter because she thought we were a perfect couple. Like on "Person of Interest", fast forward to 2013. My Head and Heart now tell me I messed-up ending that relationship, but I didn't know that in 1971.

Now I need to find another like her - they ARE out there.



Feb 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Patrick-341178 said: So, what do you use in dating: head, heart or some combination of ...
(Quote) Patrick-341178 said:


So, what do you use in dating: head, heart or some combination of both?

--hide--


I think both, but it could be tricky because the heart and head are mostly independent of eachother. In the one case the head might agree that a person would make a great wife/mother or huband/father, and it attempts to persuade the heart to fall in love with this person, but the heart refuses to be persuaded. In another case, the heart totally falls in love with a person whom the head disagrees is a good match. You'd know you've found the right person when your heart and head come to an agreement about a relationship.. you would just know! :)

Feb 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Patrick-341178 said: It has now been nearly 6 years since my short lived engagement ended. She was someone that I ac...
(Quote) Patrick-341178 said:

It has now been nearly 6 years since my short lived engagement ended. She was someone that I actually met on eharmony, dated for a year and then got engaged. Althought the pressure did get quite intense, I accept full responsiblity for the proposal and subsequent calling it off. It was a very emotionally difficult experience for me that still affects me to this day. (I can only imagine what it is like for those that are divorced or have had anullments.)

The most interesting thing about this woman was she was probably as close to the kind of woman most of my friends and family would have picked for me. She was conservative, a church going catholic, came from a good catholic family, well educated and very kind to others. Just about everyone that met her -liked her very much. But of course with just about every relationship, not everything was perfect. She could be very over-bearing at times, overly sensitive and despite only living 100 miles apart - did not want to move. But all things considered, I thought it made logical sense to marry her as I thought she would be a good wife and potential mother.


When it came time to get engaged, I nearly backed out (which in hindsite I wished I had), but went throught with it. But within days, I knew I had made a mistake and called it off just a few days later. We discussed going back to just dating, but after a year of dating and clearly being in two very different places, we separated for good. The reality was I knew that I really wasn't in love with her and never would be, as much as I had tried to convince myself that I was in love with her before.


Upon calling off the engagement, my family initially wasn't happy but they came to accept it after they realized it was the right decision. In many years of catholic single life, I have been told that you should just try to find someone you are compatiable with and the rest will follow. Upon my experience, I don't necessarily believe that is the case, but perhaps some of you have had different experiences.


So, what do you use in dating: head, heart or some combination of both?

--hide--


Patrick, I find myself pondering the same thing - especially when I look around at married couples. Observing some of the married couples I know who've been married 10+ years, they do not appear to be perfect matches to me. Part of the reason I think this is because one spouse seems dissatisfied with things. I guess I wonder if perhaps dissatisfaction is a part of the human condition? And it's also true in relationships that one person can dominate the other which can also lead to these feelings.

I guess that's where I have a hard time being heart oriented (or might "emotion driven" be a better word?), because I would guess that most of these couples got together because of their feelings. But feelings do not create long term satisfaction. And sometimes I think we feel these immediate intense emotions for another because of other reasons than love - people with the same dysfunctions often attract one another; you might have qualities that remind the person of another whom they loved, etc.


While I too want to feel the emotional rush of "being in love," I think it's just as important to look at the other person and figure out: Can we be friends for the rest of our lives? Does each person respect the other? Does each person have an understanding of commitment? Are they willing to listen to the other person and compromise? And there are many more... Notice that none of these questions have anything to do with a laundry list of superficial qualities that some poor unsuspecting person might not understand that they must live up to. I am convinced that these ideal images we have of a spouse are just that - phantasms that will never exist and will continually keep us from uniting meaningfully with another soul. We live in a postlapsarian world and expect to find perfection. What a way to set oneself up for failure!

I think that when a person enters into a relationship looking for these qualities (which are the basis of friendship) you have the possibility of being able to sustain for a greater portion of your marriage real and lasting love.

Feb 16th 2013 new

All the parts of the person need to be involved if it's going to work.


One cannot say that the head is the most important because, as you've pointed out, everything could rationally make sense and you still don't have love. However, the head is still a key part. You have to be able to trust your reason and your instincts in dating, so you can see the red flags before it is too late.


One cannot say the heart is the most important because the heart is impulsive and fickle. If left up to the heart, you would leave just as soon as the "feelings" aren't there any more. . . not recognizing that love is so much more than an emotional response. Yet, without the investment of the heart, it is impossible to truly put someone's good above your own, which is the basis of love.


Add in the spirit, and even this is not the most important. For the spirit loves indiscriminately if it is truly aligned with God's will, and sees the beauty and good in all mankind. To love with the spirit is wonderful, but not when it decides that everyone's your soulmate. Yet, without the spirit, how can you ever look past the sin and corruption in the heart of everyone? How can you see the person God designed the other to be if you don't love them with your very spirit?


And lastly, the body. . . which also cannot be the most important, because it reacts to physical stimuli and thus cannot be trusted to make decisions in matters of love. The body, so long as its needs are met, will be content. And yet it too is vital to love because we are physical beings and thus need a physical connection to the other in wedlock to be fulfilled romantically.


Thus, no part of the human person is more important. All components must strive together with their key strengths in order to overcome their specific weaknesses in order to have love. The question, therefore, is erroneous.

Feb 16th 2013 new

First, congratulations for having the courage to recognize that this was not the right relationship for you or for her. I can't tell you how many people have told me they knew they were making a mistake, but married anyway.

You definitely have to use both head and heart. In my experience, you can love someone very, very much, in a true agapaic manner, but that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean you should be together. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to back away.

Feb 16th 2013 new

(Quote) Patrick-341178 said: It has now been nearly 6 years since my short lived engagement ended. She was someone that I ac...
(Quote) Patrick-341178 said:

It has now been nearly 6 years since my short lived engagement ended. She was someone that I actually met on eharmony, dated for a year and then got engaged. Althought the pressure did get quite intense, I accept full responsiblity for the proposal and subsequent calling it off. It was a very emotionally difficult experience for me that still affects me to this day. (I can only imagine what it is like for those that are divorced or have had anullments.)

The most interesting thing about this woman was she was probably as close to the kind of woman most of my friends and family would have picked for me. She was conservative, a church going catholic, came from a good catholic family, well educated and very kind to others. Just about everyone that met her -liked her very much. But of course with just about every relationship, not everything was perfect. She could be very over-bearing at times, overly sensitive and despite only living 100 miles apart - did not want to move. But all things considered, I thought it made logical sense to marry her as I thought she would be a good wife and potential mother.


When it came time to get engaged, I nearly backed out (which in hindsite I wished I had), but went throught with it. But within days, I knew I had made a mistake and called it off just a few days later. We discussed going back to just dating, but after a year of dating and clearly being in two very different places, we separated for good. The reality was I knew that I really wasn't in love with her and never would be, as much as I had tried to convince myself that I was in love with her before.


Upon calling off the engagement, my family initially wasn't happy but they came to accept it after they realized it was the right decision. In many years of catholic single life, I have been told that you should just try to find someone you are compatiable with and the rest will follow. Upon my experience, I don't necessarily believe that is the case, but perhaps some of you have had different experiences.


So, what do you use in dating: head, heart or some combination of both?





--hide--
Both are equally important. Personally, I am more of a head person, but then again, everything cerebral oftentimes feel empty if devoid of the heart's influence. I love a wise decision that is coupled with a heartwarming feel to it.

Feb 16th 2013 new

Your heart (and sometimes other body parts) lead you or draw you to someone. But I think all that is like a horse you have to tame/control. ANd you do that with your head, very quickly....

Ex: Beautiful girl, attracted to her, she's not married. Great. But right away, the head starts to ask, is she Catholic? Is she a devout Catholic? Are our lives compatible? Do we share similar values and goals and interests?

Most people don't listen to their own common sense (and conscience) speaking to them. THey just go with the "in love" feeling and that leads them to marriage, and for half, then to divorce court.

So, for me, head trumps it all. The head controls what the heart can do.

WHen it is right the two work in a beautiful harmony. Your head confirms what your heart feels. That is what you want to find.

Feb 16th 2013 new

the heart...the human body can still live for at least another 10 minutes after the head is severed...

Feb 17th 2013 new

(Quote) Brian-144650 said: the heart...the human body can still live for at least another 10 minutes after the head is sever...
(Quote) Brian-144650 said:

the heart...the human body can still live for at least another 10 minutes after the head is severed...

--hide--




ok... LOL

Posts 1 - 10 of 29