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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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My Dear Career

Feb 24th 2013 new

I'd surmise that women more that men are uneasy about ending up in a marriage where their significance comes in second to the career of their significant other; yet, this worry is not completely absent from the minds of men.

Have thoughts that his or her affections for the occupation might be stronger than for you ever much been a consideration of yours?

Is the satisfaction flowing from your profession so intense that it would be hard for you not to put your mate in second place?

Are the time demands of your kind of employment so great that only a spouse who expects little social time with you will be able to avoid feelings of neglect?

Practicing my refrain, "Step to the rear, Dear, that my career may draw ever near", eyebrow shhh mischievous

John

Feb 24th 2013 new

Nobody here is old enough to remember Eddie Cantor, but back in the 1920s and 1930s he was one of the most popular American entertainers. He was also married for something like 50 years to the same gal. George Burns (another oldie!) described their success this way: There were always three in Eddie's marriage: Eddie, Ida, and Eddie's career.

If a person's career is more than a "job", more like a "vocation" (I'm thinking, being a surgeon, a Supreme Court justice, boss of a charity, a public defender, etc.), then its importance must be taken into consideration by both parties.

I would not begrudge a man the necessities of his career -- provided they WERE really necessities.

(Been there, done that, late husband was a career soldier.)

Feb 24th 2013 new

This might sound weird, but this never actually occurred to me. A job is a job. It might be an important job, but your marriage comes first. That's really a nonnegotiable for me. I love my career, but if I were married and I loved my husband and for some reason I had to give it up for him (it'd have to be a REALLY good reason), I would do it. Marriage is about sacrifice. The only "three" in a marriage should be husband, wife, and Christ. Career should not enter into the equation.

(Quote) John-184825 said: I'd surmise that women more that men are uneasy about ending up in a marriage where their sign...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

I'd surmise that women more that men are uneasy about ending up in a marriage where their significance comes in second to the career of their significant other; yet, this worry is not completely absent from the minds of men.

Have thoughts that his or her affections for the occupation might be stronger than for you ever much been a consideration of yours?

Is the satisfaction flowing from your profession so intense that it would be hard for you not to put your mate in second place?

Are the time demands of your kind of employment so great that only a spouse who expects little social time with you will be able to avoid feelings of neglect?

Practicing my refrain, "Step to the rear, Dear, that my career may draw ever near",

John

--hide--

Feb 24th 2013 new

The rule of thumb typically was the lesser paying one assuming there were just jobs vs vocations (doctor, judges) would dictate who would move.

Feb 24th 2013 new

I did not think that worrying about whether a future spouse's career would reduce the quality of a marriage was one of the top few considerations, but, since complaints about husband's, and some wive's, being married to their jobs is occasionally heard, I thought I'd ask about it.

The time away from home sometimes brings a related effect, tiredness while at home and of course socializing with a very tired person is not the best.

Feb 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Moire-630682 said: This might sound weird, but this never actually occurred to me. A job is a job. It might be an im...
(Quote) Moire-630682 said:

This might sound weird, but this never actually occurred to me. A job is a job. It might be an important job, but your marriage comes first. That's really a nonnegotiable for me. I love my career, but if I were married and I loved my husband and for some reason I had to give it up for him (it'd have to be a REALLY good reason), I would do it. Marriage is about sacrifice. The only "three" in a marriage should be husband, wife, and Christ. Career should not enter into the equation.

--hide--
Sorry. It looks like I gave you one more thing to worry about. eyebrow Actually all that you have to do is to be a workaholic at avoiding becoming involved with a workaholic. cool

Feb 24th 2013 new

(Quote) Al-939544 said: The rule of thumb typically was the lesser paying one assuming there were just jobs vs vocations (do...
(Quote) Al-939544 said:

The rule of thumb typically was the lesser paying one assuming there were just jobs vs vocations (doctor, judges) would dictate who would move.

--hide--
This sounds like a good general rule when moving is required. Of course the requirement to move is not always part of the situation.

Mar 9th 2013 new

John, I'm not sure if I would have been as concerned about marrying a workaholic back in my younger days as I understand what it takes to get a successful, life long career off on a proper start. Naturally, even back then, especially once the children began to appear on the scene, I would have sincerely wanted my husband to be around and be involved in his children's lives, especially as children don't stay little very long and those relationships just never really develop if they are put off until later.


As it is right now, yes - I look at that a bit more closely. The way I see it, the most hectic phases of my life are behind me (at least I certainly hope so) and I now have the luxury of not having to work all the time. I may be way too young to really feel that I can completely retire, but my time is more now my own. I have time to not only work a part time job (which I have a passion for and gives me the satisfaction of knowing that I make a real difference in people's lives), do some volunteer work with the church and CSS and still have enough discretionary time left to fill doing things I enjoy. (In other words; time to play or relax, time for hobbies, travel and family.) Sure, I can do all these things on my own and I have no problem with that, but why would I want to go to the trouble of finding my soul-mate and the one man I can't live without only to find he's too busy with his work to spend some of his time with me? Mind you, I'm not the clingy sort or someone who needs to be entertained but I want someone that I can actually get out and enjoy life with, nurture and simply 'be' with. If that fellow was always going to be at gone due to some obsession with his work, what would I have gained by marrying him?


I guess I also wonder about a man who feels they 'have something to prove', by our age. He should have already been long on his way, if not already there. Hopefully, by this time, both parties have found measures of peace, happiness and contentment and no longer feel so driven toward things of this world. It's time we best begin to buckle down even harder and if we must work so hard - let it be to help each other to get to the kingdom of heaven!

Mar 9th 2013 new

I can't say that I have a real "career" - what I have is a job. I like my job, but there is certainly no risk of it coming before my husband. I would expect for my husband to have more of a "career" though - if I were to marry someone with merely a "job", we would both be broke. laughing

I understand that sometimes a cereer can be demanding and require longer than normal work days and some travel. I admit that I wasn't as supportive of my ex-husband's career as I should have been - I was in my early 20s and pretty clingy back then. embarassed I'm not that way anymore. I wouldn't have a problem with a man pursuing his career, but still up to a certain extent. Working a few extra hours a week (for example, 10 hour days instead of 8) is fine, if that's what he wanted to do. Occasional business trips are fine. But traveling 50% of the time or working from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep is too much. Why get married at all then? I have a co-worker who lives here in San Diego, and her husband lives in central California to pursue his career. That kind of marriage doesn't make sense to me.

I also think it's unreasonable to expect a guy to sacrifice his career for me, unless that's a sacrifice he wants to freely make himself. So I wouldn't marry men in certain careers because by their very nature, those careers take too much time away from a relationship or require more of me than I would be willing to give. Military is one of those careers. Not only do I not want to deal with deployments for months on end, but I also would not be willing to move from place to place all the time. A woman has to recognize the demands of a man's career from the get-go, and if she is not willing to put up with them, don't marry the guy. My two cents.

Mar 9th 2013 new

I view careers as morally neutral. They can be used to uplift the individual seeking it, to improve their social circles, their work ethic. Or it can destory, it can become a compulsion that drives a wedge between the spouses, it can open the doors to adultery and emotional infidelity as the career driven spouse may find someone who understands their drive within their career circle.

Of course, I think careers are over rated, so many women spend so much time in their younger years, ie. 20s/30s pushing for those high ranked places, that when they do find a guy and get married, uh oh, the eggs are kinda all dried up. Then all they really have is a career, husband tends to take the back burner. Likewise, I see women actively hunt doctors thinking the money, wealth and social status will set them up for life, thenthey become disheartened when they realise how much a doctor actually works and the hours he's not at home with her; especially in the early days of a career aimed towards very high places.

For me, "career" is just my job's natural progression up the ranks. I'm only tolerating it because I'm not married. It'll be taking the backseat if I ever do get married. Husband wise, I'm not clingy nor socially insecure, so I would be more open to a man seeking a career with gutso then him just having a job he slugs himself too each day.

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