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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cannot sleep. I feel I have to keep vigil like I kept for the last 2 years. My beloved husband passed away in my arms exactly 2 years ago at 120 am. In the first few months, I kept vigil each month at 120 am. Then after a few months, I was able to sleep on the night of the 25th/26th. However on the anniversary day, I feel guilty to be sleeping at the time he died. So I stay awake; in a few minutes I will lie in bed and pray and in the morning I will be going to mass and then to his grave.

Does anyone feel this way - or have to keep vigil at the time they died.

Despite this I'm feeling a strange feeling, a sense of numbness; I am sad yet in a weird way I am at peace. At peace because I know my beloved is free - in his Father's arms, where he belongs. Over the past few years when he was sick and since he passed away, I have journeyed a rough painful road, but am a better person. My faith has been tested and I have found that God is with me, he will not leave me alone.

Yet at times, I doubt,(regarding my readiness); Does this mean I am not ready to move on? I prayed before I decided that I wanted to remarry. I want to be open to God's will in my life.

So what are your thoughts on this? ie readiness to go ahead, yet knowing that there will be times I will be stuck.

Please keep me in your prayers.
theheart




Feb 25th 2013 new

Honey, it's only been two years. Give yourself time.

I felt I had to keep watch over his grave until they set the headstone (six months later). On the first anniversary I felt liberated...but I wasn't ready to really step out and make new friends until about the fourth year. And that's the year I cried the most.

Grief is one step forward, three steps back. Forget the calendar, and just focus on building the new "you".

Feb 25th 2013 new

(Quote) Pauline-931463 said: It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cann...
(Quote) Pauline-931463 said:

It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cannot sleep. I feel I have to keep vigil like I kept for the last 2 years. My beloved husband passed away in my arms exactly 2 years ago at 120 am. In the first few months, I kept vigil each month at 120 am. Then after a few months, I was able to sleep on the night of the 25th/26th. However on the anniversary day, I feel guilty to be sleeping at the time he died. So I stay awake; in a few minutes I will lie in bed and pray and in the morning I will be going to mass and then to his grave.

Does anyone feel this way - or have to keep vigil at the time they died.

Despite this I'm feeling a strange feeling, a sense of numbness; I am sad yet in a weird way I am at peace. At peace because I know my beloved is free - in his Father's arms, where he belongs. Over the past few years when he was sick and since he passed away, I have journeyed a rough painful road, but am a better person. My faith has been tested and I have found that God is with me, he will not leave me alone.

Yet at times, I doubt,(regarding my readiness); Does this mean I am not ready to move on? I prayed before I decided that I wanted to remarry. I want to be open to God's will in my life.

So what are your thoughts on this? ie readiness to go ahead, yet knowing that there will be times I will be stuck.

Please keep me in your prayers.




--hide--
It takes time. I know you've heard this umpteen times, but it's true. My husband passed away 7 years ago, and just last year I signed up with CM. It's different for everyone. One day you'll say to yourself, "It's time to move on."

Feb 25th 2013 new

Remember this, too. Grief is a process that never ends. Yes, we can move forward, but there will always be moments where the heart remembers and where something (whether it be a smell, a look, an event, a memory, a need) that causes the heart to long for what once was. It is no way negates our faith or the choices that we have made to move forward. I have also found that grief is layered. Events and death of others can cause me to caterwaul. My father entered full time Hospice care a week ago and he is not long for this world. Yesterday was his 72nd birthday. DOes this bring back my feelings of loss of Phil? You bet it does. I know that I will be okay, but yes, it hurts sometimes. It means that you loved your husband well. I gotcha sister.

Mar 28th 2013 new

Time is of the essence. Only time will tell. Only time will heal. I have heard them all! Yes I think about and talk to (in my head) my husband at the time of his death every morning still. And I picture him laying there on my kitchen floor. I keep vigil sometimes during the night as well at times when he was going thru his living hell. I still feel numb and have had to live that way in order to not feel so much I cannot function. I went back to work 11/2 weeks later, I just throw myself back into life. I have bad days, bad moments. Some days I don't want to leave the house on my days off. But then I am always happy after I do. It will be a lifelong struggle because I have lost other significant people in my life and the feelings are always there. You never get over this, you just learn to move on because you have to. And that is what they would want you to do.
Life life, love life, keep talking and pray, pray, pray We got your back! Jane Praying hug theheart Praying hug theheart Praying hug theheart

Mar 28th 2013 new

Thank you Nilda, Marge, Linda and Jane for your support and responses.

At my husband's first death anniversary, his sister and her husband encouraged me to consider marriage again. They told me that my husband Lenny would want me to. At that time, I was shocked, and could not accept this. Later towards the 18 months framework, I started to accept that it was Ok for me to date and consider another relationship. And as Jane said, time is an essense and it helps us heal, however as Linda states, I realised that grief is a process that never ends. I accepted that I can " move with" . By " moving with" I accept that there will be times when the memories will come back and that's OK. It does not mean that I cannot love again or that I will love less. Those who have lost a child, are still able to have other children but they never forget that child that they lost.


I came to this understanding when I attended a Grief workshop as part of my job. We were presented with Tonkins model of grief, and I found this very useful as it was something that I could accept. Tonkin found that grief does not decrease - it remains, however we grow and so comparatively the grief does not encompass our entire being. I like it because it accepts the fact the my pain and loss is the same but I can grow with it. I have seen a new me emerge since the death of my beloved husband. And as I grow and my world expands, my grief is comparably smaller. The pain over time diminishes but as described in other models of grief - it is cyclic and can still be unpredictable. However accepting this helps us move forward as changed and better individuals. We are stronger and our faith has been tested. We have survived and even thrived. flower

For more information on this model, read "Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery"
www.tandfonline.com (1996). Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery. Bereavement Care: Vol. 15, No. 1, pp.
Thank you for your prayers and support - I do feel better and stronger. biggrin
Mar 28th 2013 new

Pauline, yes, others have this happen to them, too. The time period from Valentine's Day to March 26th is a time of "vigilance and remembrance" for me. My husband fell on Valentine's Day, and the injury he incurred hastened his terminal illness to it's end. So, I "wince" on Valentine's Day, knowing that 14 years ago, it was the harbinger of his final demise from cancer...The first week of March still holds "anticipation" for me, and the 7th is still a poignant day...I think I stopped making the anniversary trip to his hometown burial site about 3 years ago, but that was partly because my children were finally grown, and they could choose to go on their own to their dad's grave site, if they wanted. For me, the "vigil" ends on the 26th--our anniversary date...and this year would have been our 30th...

I like the idea of growing larger "around" our grief! Nice analogy--makes me think of tree rings, and how mighty a grand Sequoia or redwood can be, although it may have harbored a terrible season of crisis back in the sapling days...To look at that grand, sturdy tree today, one would never know that near its heart was a tremendous wound. rose

Just as every tree grows at its own pace, according to the environment and its specific genetics, so do we grow and repair at our own pace...For some, love comes again in the first year of grieving, and for others it takes years. To each his/her own. Don't rush it---learn the difference between lonliness and need (or longing and need), and God's presentation of a gift of love for you again!

Mar 28th 2013 new

(Quote) Pauline-931463 said: It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cann...
(Quote) Pauline-931463 said:

It's past midnight; 1240 in the morning, where I am (Australia) but today is a night I cannot sleep. I feel I have to keep vigil like I kept for the last 2 years. My beloved husband passed away in my arms exactly 2 years ago at 120 am. In the first few months, I kept vigil each month at 120 am. Then after a few months, I was able to sleep on the night of the 25th/26th. However on the anniversary day, I feel guilty to be sleeping at the time he died. So I stay awake; in a few minutes I will lie in bed and pray and in the morning I will be going to mass and then to his grave.

Does anyone feel this way - or have to keep vigil at the time they died.

Despite this I'm feeling a strange feeling, a sense of numbness; I am sad yet in a weird way I am at peace. At peace because I know my beloved is free - in his Father's arms, where he belongs. Over the past few years when he was sick and since he passed away, I have journeyed a rough painful road, but am a better person. My faith has been tested and I have found that God is with me, he will not leave me alone.

Yet at times, I doubt,(regarding my readiness); Does this mean I am not ready to move on? I prayed before I decided that I wanted to remarry. I want to be open to God's will in my life.

So what are your thoughts on this? ie readiness to go ahead, yet knowing that there will be times I will be stuck.

Please keep me in your prayers.




--hide--
Pauline -- this isn't meant to be critical by any means -- just a few things to think about. It's not unusual for people to do things that might seem unusual with respect to their lost spouses.

I have to ask though, what did staying up deliberately accomplish? Did it do you any good physically to be sleep deprived? Was it out of a sense of loyalty? Survivor's guillt feelings? Obligation? It appears that this vigil gradually diminished. Yes, there will still be days in the future when you will just feel "out of sorts", and often it will be connected to some important event during your married life -- a birthday, an anniversary, date of loss, and others. My own experience is that on each month's "anniversary date", I would feel a bit out of it, not sleep well. This lasted each month for about 6 months, then got better. Over it completely? Not at all.

It's been nearly 4 years, and I have vivid recollections of the evening she passed away, as if it were yesterday. As time has passed, married life seems like something that was light years ago.

It will take time -- allow yourself that. Don't feel as if you have to stifle those occasional bouts of overwhelming grief. You need to work it out. Even while maintaining a positive attitude there will be setbacks. This can occur even if you remarry.

Are you ready to move on? Well, it seems you're making a lot of progress in that direction, but are you comfortable with the idea of spending an unknown number of years with another man without having memories of your late husband dominate your thoughts? That wouldn't be fair to either of you. There's a certain comfort level that must be reached before you are truly ready. In the meantime, continue to re-invent yourself as a single person -- strong, confident, and with sufficient self-esteem.

It will happen -- in time. There's no rule etched in stone about this. 4-5 years isn't unusual. If after that much time has elapsed though and you find yourself not having moved forward, you might consider professional help. That's not unusual either. Just try to be at your best physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Mar 28th 2013 new

(Quote) Beverly-649723 said: I like the idea of growing larger "around" our grief! Nice analogy--makes me think of tree r...
(Quote) Beverly-649723 said: I like the idea of growing larger "around" our grief! Nice analogy--makes me think of tree rings, and how mighty a grand Sequoia or redwood can be, although it may have harbored a terrible season of crisis back in the sapling days...To look at that grand, sturdy tree today, one would never know that near its heart was a tremendous wound.
--hide--



I like that anology, too, Bev. Thanks.

Mar 28th 2013 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: There's a certain comfort level that must be reached before you are truly ready.
(Quote) Ray-566531 said: There's a certain comfort level that must be reached before you are truly ready.
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