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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Mar 6th 2013 new

Therese,
Thank you for sharing this information. I did find it helpful. I was in the category of the single person married to a divorced person and I did hear a lot of negativity about his former spouse. I was completely smitten and head-over-heels in love with this man I had been with for 12 years; although, we were only married for one (1) year. I refuse to be that angry, bitter divorcee that ruins my future happiness. Although, it can be challenging at times, it doesn't hurt as much but the pain is still present. I completed the Divorce and Beyond program and I am so thankful for my mentor. I can relate to a love talking about his former spouse and appreciate the fact that you pointed this out from the book. I wish I would have been a little wiser during those moments to communicate more effectively on how this was not healthy for him or us. I appreciate your thread and once again, thank you for sharing.

Mar 8th 2013 new
(Quote) Debra-934670 said: Therese, Thank you for sharing this information. I did find it helpful. I was in the category of the sing...
(Quote) Debra-934670 said:

Therese,
Thank you for sharing this information. I did find it helpful. I was in the category of the single person married to a divorced person and I did hear a lot of negativity about his former spouse. I was completely smitten and head-over-heels in love with this man I had been with for 12 years; although, we were only married for one (1) year. I refuse to be that angry, bitter divorcee that ruins my future happiness. Although, it can be challenging at times, it doesn't hurt as much but the pain is still present. I completed the Divorce and Beyond program and I am so thankful for my mentor. I can relate to a love talking about his former spouse and appreciate the fact that you pointed this out from the book. I wish I would have been a little wiser during those moments to communicate more effectively on how this was not healthy for him or us. I appreciate your thread and once again, thank you for sharing.

--hide--


Dear Debra rose Glad that you found my post helpful. Everything in our life is either a blessing or a lesson. You learned it the hard way but good that you are out of it now. Good luck for the future smile
Mar 8th 2013 new

Debra, thanks for all the info from the book. I would like to have it in my personal library.


First of all, I am speaking as a divorced woman. Very early on, I learned that it takes 2 to make a marriage & both have had some part in its break up. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit one day of what part was even though it was my former husband who instigated the divorce. I wrote my "confession" in my journal & actually used it when I went to Reconciliation. Then I wrote a letter of apology to my former spouse outlining all the ways I was convicted of.


I was just informed by a therapist that the word "guilty" is not a feeling word, it is a word of judgment. What feeling word could be better suited to replace it?

What I am trying to say is that we will all come to a 2nd marriage with "baggage" no matter if we were widowed or divorced. It might be a good idea if we did some honest soul searching, perhaps with a counselor, to discover & analyze. Could we then enter a new marriage with a refreshed heart & spirit?

Mar 8th 2013 new

OOPS! I meant to thank Therese for all the info from the Parrott's book. Sorry.

Mar 9th 2013 new
(Quote) Carol-737878 said: Debra, thanks for all the info from the book. I would like to have it in my personal library. <...
(Quote) Carol-737878 said:

Debra, thanks for all the info from the book. I would like to have it in my personal library.




First of all, I am speaking as a divorced woman. Very early on, I learned that it takes 2 to make a marriage & both have had some part in its break up. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit one day of what part was even though it was my former husband who instigated the divorce. I wrote my "confession" in my journal & actually used it when I went to Reconciliation. Then I wrote a letter of apology to my former spouse outlining all the ways I was convicted of.




I was just informed by a therapist that the word "guilty" is not a feeling word, it is a word of judgment. What feeling word could be better suited to replace it?



What I am trying to say is that we will all come to a 2nd marriage with "baggage" no matter if we were widowed or divorced. It might be a good idea if we did some honest soul searching, perhaps with a counselor, to discover & analyze. Could we then enter a new marriage with a refreshed heart & spirit?

--hide--


Dear Carol theheart

Guilt as your therapist said is a word of judgment because guilt is condemning self, self blaming like I should not, I must do this or I should have done that... and self demeaning like calling self idiot..., and self labeling like saying I am worthless, I can't do anything right, I am a loser...

The best word in my opinion to replace guilt is remorse or regret. Remorse help us to accept our errors and learn from our mistakes. Every human being commit mistakes even saints. With guilt we judge ourselves but nothing would change. With remorse or regret we forgive and accept ourselves, and we learn from our mistakes, because guilt is self focused but remorse focus on our behavior and lead us to wanting to change. Instead of saying I shouldn't or I must, we can say I prefer or I want, more positive.

I would suggest reading Healing The Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. You can associate guilt with shame. heart

TKC rose

Therese
Mar 10th 2013 new

Therese,


That was very well said! Thanks.

Mar 10th 2013 new

That is great stuff, Thanks, Will

Mar 14th 2013 new

Another subject addressed in the same book, and I found it really important to add to the thread.

If You're Bringing Children into a Second Marriage

". exploring whether you are ready for remarriage, we simply wanted to ask you: Are your kids ready for your remarriage....you may need to take special care to be sure your children feel included and that they are part of this major decision that impacts their life whether they are toddlers or in their twenties. When a mom or dad gets married again, the children need to know that their thoughts and feelings about the marriage were taken into consideration. You can do that by simply asking them how they feel about your marriage. Of course, once you ask you must be willing to listen. Whatever their response, do your best to let them know they are understood, regardless of their opinion. Reflect back their feelings. You might say, for example, it sounds like you're really nervous about what our future will be like. Don't try to change opinions or solve problems. A warm, empathic conversation lets them know you take their feelings seriously. Be aware they may have especially strong feelings about their biological parent. They may even try to make you feel guilty about getting married again. That's when it is particularly important not to be judgmental. Of course if you have a child who is completely against your remarriage, you may want to consider seeing a counselor together who can help you process the issues more objectively."

Hope this was helpful, your thoughts are appreciated!

Mar 14th 2013 new

That's a good point. My kids flat out told me that they liked the status quo (fatherless family) and would not be happy with a change.
I won't tell you what I said in reply.... rolling eyes

Mar 14th 2013 new

Therese, this is excellent. I've just entered into a new relationship with someone who has never been married so this all food for thought as we explore the path. Longevity, stability, similarity. Excellent.

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