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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Your internal or external reaction if early on (first date or a little before or after that) the o...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Your internal or external reaction if early on (first date or a little before or after that) the other party says, "I don't respond well to criticism."

--hide--


External reaction: OK, I am not sure why you are responding that way and I guess our personalities are too different if you think that I am criticizing you.

Internal reaction: She is obviously not that interested in me for whatever reason and I don't think that I would want to be involved with her if she is always going to try to control and criticize me.

Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: After reading the replies written so far, a few more questions occur to me that might be good to a...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

After reading the replies written so far, a few more questions occur to me that might be good to ask the one who says, "I don't respond well to criticism".

1. If something arises in your life that seems to be harmful or unfair, do you just accept it without ever voicing any criticism or complaint?

2. How can a real relationship develop between two imperfect people if all criticism is disallowed?

3. Have you never criticise anyone for anything?

4. What would you think about someone's telling you, "I don't respond well to criticism".

--hide--

Hi John,

These are good questions. First, when something is harmful or unfair I do voice it, but I often ponder it for a bit, before sitting down with the person and talking about it. If someone says something that I think is blatantly unfair or unduly hurtful, I will generally respond at that moment, especially if it is directed at another person. Before my Pete passed away and especially early in or marriage when we were still negotiating many things, when I felt he had done something unfair or hurtful, I would write a long letter. They usually started out "angry" but by the time I had said all the things I felt I needed to say, the emotion would be spent and they always ended on a reaffirming note of how much I loved him and loved being his wife. He would take them and read them several times and a few days later when had had time to ponder the letter, he'd come to me and we would sit down and talk about it. it worked very well for both of us, later when I had less reasons to write, he told me he really missed those letters lol.

2.) I think perhaps it is the term criticism here that is the problem. Criticism has such a negative connotation and when one brings the word to mind, it always comes with one person telling another person how what they are doing, thinking, feeling, believing is wrong. A critique on the other hand is meant to be beneficial and point out both strengths and weaknesses. Also, developing a mutual respect that has room for and even welcomes differences between the spouses is how strong and lasting relationships are formed. If one spouse feels constantly belittled or nagged or disapproved of in some fashion through criticism, there is no room for growth or bonding. So one can address differences without being critical. I think it is also imporant here to add the caveat -- to pick one's battles wisely. And, to be honest unless another person's behavior is seriously immoral or cruel, most other things are simply differences in approach and should be treated as a beautiful variation on the ways something can be done or experienced.

3.) I am sure that my lips and my tongue have not always been used in the most beneficial of ways, and this does sadden me. :-(

4.) I think that was the original question and my answer still stands, and yes, it isn't so much a retort as placing it back in their ball park.

Mar 1st 2013 new

Those are some very good thoughts, and would provoke interesting (and, we hope, enlightening) answers.

Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) Donna-83441 said: ... don't respond well ... criticise ... withdraw in my shell in that environment.....
(Quote) Donna-83441 said: ... don't respond well ... criticise ... withdraw in my shell in that environment..
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Withdrawal is futile as the criticism will still waft in the air down to the depths of the shell through the arm, leg and neck-holes --- unless you have sliding panels to seal off the apertures, which would be pretty cool as even a slider turtle's shell doesn't have sliding panels.



Anyway, 'doesn't respond well' doesn't mean doesn't respond quirkily. Keep the noise of the criticism at bay by occupying the space inside your head with counterthoughts about other things ... such as ... whether people who spell 'criticize' with an 's' should also say 'zed' instead of 'zee' in order to subvert the established spelling and pronunciation order just for the heck of it.



Subversion just for the heck of it ... in the ornery spirit of rebellion (or of independence) ... let that thar criticism wash away like water off a turtle's back ... or is that thar 'criticizm'?

Mar 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Ronald-937125 said:External reaction: OK, I am not sure why you are responding that way and I guess our personaliti...
(Quote) Ronald-937125 said:

External reaction: OK, I am not sure why you are responding that way and I guess our personalities are too different if you think that I am criticizing you.

Internal reaction: She is obviously not that interested in me for whatever reason and I don't think that I would want to be involved with her if she is always going to try to control and criticize me.

--hide--
Thanks for your take on this issue. Your internal reaction seems to imply that you'd expect that someone who found you "interesting" would be more careful about risking the appearance of being offensive.

Mar 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: Hi John, These are good questions. First, when something is harmful or unfair I ...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

Hi John,

These are good questions. First, when something is harmful or unfair I do voice it, but I often ponder it for a bit, before sitting down with the person and talking about it. If someone says something that I think is blatantly unfair or unduly hurtful, I will generally respond at that moment, especially if it is directed at another person. Before my Pete passed away and especially early in or marriage when we were still negotiating many things, when I felt he had done something unfair or hurtful, I would write a long letter. They usually started out "angry" but by the time I had said all the things I felt I needed to say, the emotion would be spent and they always ended on a reaffirming note of how much I loved him and loved being his wife. He would take them and read them several times and a few days later when had had time to ponder the letter, he'd come to me and we would sit down and talk about it. it worked very well for both of us, later when I had less reasons to write, he told me he really missed those letters lol.

2.) I think perhaps it is the term criticism here that is the problem. Criticism has such a negative connotation and when one brings the word to mind, it always comes with one person telling another person how what they are doing, thinking, feeling, believing is wrong. A critique on the other hand is meant to be beneficial and point out both strengths and weaknesses. Also, developing a mutual respect that has room for and even welcomes differences between the spouses is how strong and lasting relationships are formed. If one spouse feels constantly belittled or nagged or disapproved of in some fashion through criticism, there is no room for growth or bonding. So one can address differences without being critical. I think it is also imporant here to add the caveat -- to pick one's battles wisely. And, to be honest unless another person's behavior is seriously immoral or cruel, most other things are simply differences in approach and should be treated as a beautiful variation on the ways something can be done or experienced.

3.) I am sure that my lips and my tongue have not always been used in the most beneficial of ways, and this does sadden me. :-(

4.) I think that was the original question and my answer still stands, and yes, it isn't so much a retort as placing it back in their ball park.

--hide--

Mar 2nd 2013 new
I have read this thread from a to zed and can find nothing more to contribute; I can only hope no one criticises me for this. ;)
Mar 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Lauren-927923 said: Hi John, These are good questions. First, when something is harmful or unfair I ...
(Quote) Lauren-927923 said:

Hi John,

These are good questions. First, when something is harmful or unfair I do voice it, but I often ponder it for a bit, before sitting down with the person and talking about it. If someone says something that I think is blatantly unfair or unduly hurtful, I will generally respond at that moment, especially if it is directed at another person. Before my Pete passed away and especially early in or marriage when we were still negotiating many things, when I felt he had done something unfair or hurtful, I would write a long letter. They usually started out "angry" but by the time I had said all the things I felt I needed to say, the emotion would be spent and they always ended on a reaffirming note of how much I loved him and loved being his wife. He would take them and read them several times and a few days later when had had time to ponder the letter, he'd come to me and we would sit down and talk about it. it worked very well for both of us, later when I had less reasons to write, he told me he really missed those letters lol.

2.) I think perhaps it is the term criticism here that is the problem. Criticism has such a negative connotation and when one brings the word to mind, it always comes with one person telling another person how what they are doing, thinking, feeling, believing is wrong. A critique on the other hand is meant to be beneficial and point out both strengths and weaknesses. Also, developing a mutual respect that has room for and even welcomes differences between the spouses is how strong and lasting relationships are formed. If one spouse feels constantly belittled or nagged or disapproved of in some fashion through criticism, there is no room for growth or bonding. So one can address differences without being critical. I think it is also imporant here to add the caveat -- to pick one's battles wisely. And, to be honest unless another person's behavior is seriously immoral or cruel, most other things are simply differences in approach and should be treated as a beautiful variation on the ways something can be done or experienced.

3.) I am sure that my lips and my tongue have not always been used in the most beneficial of ways, and this does sadden me. :-(

4.) I think that was the original question and my answer still stands, and yes, it isn't so much a retort as placing it back in their ball park.

--hide--
Hi Lauren,

Thanks for taking the time to write an interesting reply. It was good to read that Pete was willing to "listen" to your letters. Maybe his missing those letters despite their disapproving aspects meant that he missed how they conveyed that he was in your mind and heart. Also it was good to see how you gave him time and did not demand an instantaneous apology.

John

Mar 2nd 2013 new

Can't take it, eh? mischievous laughing laughing laughing

Mar 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: I have read this thread from a to zed and can find nothing more to contribute; I can only hope no on...
(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: I have read this thread from a to zed and can find nothing more to contribute; I can only hope no one criticises me for this. ;)
--hide--
Coming from Texas, your failure to add anything calls for your being lasso-rated by some cowboy, I'd say.

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