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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Okay, so I often don't participate too much on public forums. I highly prefer the private, women's-only version. However, I feel that for this particular topic I want input from some testosterone counter-parts.

Why is it that men "keep their options open?" I'm not speaking from personal experience per se, but I have heard a lot of women discuss this issue and quite frankly it makes me cringe like the thought of nails on a chalkboard. Personally, I feel it is un-Christ-like to "keep your options open" when you are interested in a woman and completely against the idea of agape love (God's love) to be this way. If you meet someone whom you click well with, are on similar ground in regard to the important issues, and the chemistry is there, then what is the hold up on taking it to the next level? I'm not talking about talking to someone for only a few weeks and then begin the proper exclusive dating relationship; however, many women have discussed issues where they have spoken to guys for months on end (while going on dates with them at the same time). And yet, the guy continues to play the "I'm not ready to commit card." If guys are not ready to commit, then why in the world would they be on a dating website that is based for Catholics? (When the whole idea of Catholicism in regard to dating is that you date to determine if you are compatible for marriage. And then if you are compatible, then you marry.) Now some of these women have met these men elsewhere--in real life or on other dating websites. However, the bottom line is, if a man says he is a Christian--and truly loves God and lives for Him--then "keeping his options open" in my opinion seems a bit like using contraception in effort not to get pregnant because you do not trust God enough to let His Providence and Divine Will occur. To me, this is why there are so many single older women and men--and by older I mean in their mid to late 30's and early 40's. Women have biological clocks. Men need to know this if they don't already. So, why on Earth are they, more often than not, "keeping their options open" if they want a family one day? Don't they know that eventually a woman will not be able to give them children? I just do not get this!

So, men, feel free to enlighten us women with your ideas, opinions, etc.

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03/03/2013 new

1. I suspect this is the only situation in which men like to window shop. wink

2. I suspect that women tend to jump to quickly to the conclusion that this is Mr. Right.

Both sexes need a reality check.

Men: Get out of the starting blocks and let's see some action.

Women: Get to know the guy before you let yourself fall in love.

LOCKED
03/03/2013 new
Marge, I would definitely agree about men and the window shopping theory. In regard to the women "falling in love" this is nowhere near what I was getting at. I was merely referring to the countless women who are "strung along" (for lack of a better term) for many months wondering if the guy will ever say "Hey, I think I know you well enough and I'd like to date you." Personally, I have experiencd guys who jump to that right away and it is a turn off because they obviously do not understand that you should only date someone whom you are considering for marriage (and a few times of talking is usually not enough time to know that). However, there are countless women who are "strung along" by a guy when in reality they should not sit at home hoping he will call or finally decide to make her his #1. Chances are he is likely playing the field and she is one of many whom he is talking to. In this case, I say don't be a pawn in his little game. A truly Godly man, which is hopefully whom all women should be striving to marry, who is serious about finding the one, will not "string women along." Although he obviously may and likely will keep his options open at first, if he is serious about finding the one then he will either keep her by moving it to the next level or let her know that she just doesn't make the cut (and do this within a reasonable amount of time). In my eyes, this is the only decent, Christian thing to do--and again, I'm talking about moving it to an exclusive dating relationship (or not) after both parties have spent adequate time getting to know one another. Not marriage. Not eternity.
LOCKED
03/03/2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Marge, I would definitely agree about men and the window shopping theory. In regard to the women &quo...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Marge, I would definitely agree about men and the window shopping theory. In regard to the women "falling in love" this is nowhere near what I was getting at. I was merely referring to the countless women who are "strung along" (for lack of a better term) for many months wondering if the guy will ever say "Hey, I think I know you well enough and I'd like to date you." Personally, I have experiencd guys who jump to that right away and it is a turn off because they obviously do not understand that you should only date someone whom you are considering for marriage (and a few times of talking is usually not enough time to know that). However, there are countless women who are "strung along" by a guy when in reality they should not sit at home hoping he will call or finally decide to make her his #1. Chances are he is likely playing the field and she is one of many whom he is talking to. In this case, I say don't be a pawn in his little game. A truly Godly man, which is hopefully whom all women should be striving to marry, who is serious about finding the one, will not "string women along." Although he obviously may and likely will keep his options open at first, if he is serious about finding the one then he will either keep her by moving it to the next level or let her know that she just doesn't make the cut (and do this within a reasonable amount of time). In my eyes, this is the only decent, Christian thing to do--and again, I'm talking about moving it to an exclusive dating relationship (or not) after both parties have spent adequate time getting to know one another. Not marriage. Not eternity.
--hide--
See David's comments -- well worth considering.

I'll mention one thing for now and that relates to your comment "you should only date someone whom you are considering for marriage." In reality, it should be the other way around. A person dates someone to see if he/she can be considered as a marriage partner. Dating is a "getting to know you" stage, not a commitment.

If a couple has been dating for some time without any commitments to each other, perhaps there is a reluctance to commit (fear or other circumstances), or one or the other isn't convinced that this is "the one".

Keep in mind that when you etch something in stone, it's hard to reverse it. Be cautious before you etch.

LOCKED
03/03/2013 new
Ray, I hardly think deciding to exclusively date one person is "etching" something in stone. If I did not desire and respect men's comments and feedback on this issue I would have posted it in the "Women's Only" forum. However, I did not because I know my beloved female CMers are not men and do not think or operate like men. My personal opinion is that women and men see things very differently--and by things I mean nearly everything. However, when it comes to exclusive dating (ie an one-on-one relationship), when you get to that point, you have already determined you are compatible with that person on minor levels. The exclusive dating part is to really, deeply get to know that person and see if you are compatible on other, major levels. Perhaps it is a generational thing which is causing confusion. I know men of previous generations would publically "court" a woman but not be "steady" with her until he was pretty sure she was "the one." In my generation, we expect a longer "steady" time and don't anticipate someone to go exclusive with us because they think we are "the one." Rather, we perceive being excluisve as allowing you to focus solely on that person--no other men or women--and get to know them on a deeper level; this is where you would grow to know someone to determine if they are "the one." I know a few men who have been through this experience with women--whom they wanted to commit to an exclusive relationship and the woman was unwilling. However, this was typically because the woman had issues on knowing what she wanted, thought there was a better guy out there for her (the old "grass is always greener" idea), or she just didn't want to be in a relationship at that moment. I guess the same can be said for why men do this but that is why I was asking for men's feedback. :)
LOCKED
03/03/2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Ray, I hardly think deciding to exclusively date one person is "etching" something in stone...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Ray, I hardly think deciding to exclusively date one person is "etching" something in stone. If I did not desire and respect men's comments and feedback on this issue I would have posted it in the "Women's Only" forum. However, I did not because I know my beloved female CMers are not men and do not think or operate like men. My personal opinion is that women and men see things very differently--and by things I mean nearly everything. However, when it comes to exclusive dating (ie an one-on-one relationship), when you get to that point, you have already determined you are compatible with that person on minor levels. The exclusive dating part is to really, deeply get to know that person and see if you are compatible on other, major levels. Perhaps it is a generational thing which is causing confusion. I know men of previous generations would publically "court" a woman but not be "steady" with her until he was pretty sure she was "the one." In my generation, we expect a longer "steady" time and don't anticipate someone to go exclusive with us because they think we are "the one." Rather, we perceive being excluisve as allowing you to focus solely on that person--no other men or women--and get to know them on a deeper level; this is where you would grow to know someone to determine if they are "the one." I know a few men who have been through this experience with women--whom they wanted to commit to an exclusive relationship and the woman was unwilling. However, this was typically because the woman had issues on knowing what she wanted, thought there was a better guy out there for her (the old "grass is always greener" idea), or she just didn't want to be in a relationship at that moment. I guess the same can be said for why men do this but that is why I was asking for men's feedback. :)
--hide--
I'm getting the impression that you are seeking opinions/thoughts from us but only if they are in agreement with your way of thinking. Even the thread title seems as if a challenge is being made. This further validates David's comments.

LOCKED
03/03/2013 new
I'm getting the impression that some men cannot handle a woman speaking her mind and asking for a man's true comments. No, I am not asking for your comments to be "in line" with my thinking. I don't have a line of thinkng for why men do this--only theories. The fact of the matter is, some men string women along. Guess what? Some women string men along. It's clear that I am speaking from a point of view which reflects the notion that men and women can BOTH do this. However, why women do it does not concern me as I am not interested in women. Men can feel free to post a thread about wanting to know why a woman does X, Y, or Z. I guarantee you there will be women ready to explain or voice their viewpoints. As for the title of my thread, yes it may sound a bit harsh. But saying "I am just laying it on the line" is like saying you are "putting all your cards on the table." It refers to the notion of just being open about what you have heard or experienced (personally or from other individuals) and wanting an open response. There are no wrong or right responses. As for my rebuttals, I am merely trying to clarify that women aren't a) "in love" when they want an exclusive relationship, b) this is not a male bashing thread, and c) that the whole dating/courtship/going steady terminology probably varies in definition depending upon one's generation. For instance, when many of my great-aunts were courted, it was done publically, with the permission of the father. Then, when the guy moved it to a "steady" stage it was because he was pretty sure she was "the one" and so he didn't want other guys seeing her. Then, an engagement came shortly after that. However, in my generation things do not work this way--nor are our expectations of "going steady" in-line with the notion that either party has determined the other is "the one."
LOCKED
03/03/2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Okay, so I often don't participate too much on public forums. I highly prefer the private,...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said:

Okay, so I often don't participate too much on public forums. I highly prefer the private, women's-only version. However, I feel that for this particular topic I want input from some testosterone counter-parts.

Why is it that men "keep their options open?" I'm not speaking from personal experience per se, but I have heard a lot of women discuss this issue and quite frankly it makes me cringe like the thought of nails on a chalkboard. Personally, I feel it is un-Christ-like to "keep your options open" when you are interested in a woman and completely against the idea of agape love (God's love) to be this way. If you meet someone whom you click well with, are on similar ground in regard to the important issues, and the chemistry is there, then what is the hold up on taking it to the next level? I'm not talking about talking to someone for only a few weeks and then begin the proper exclusive dating relationship; however, many women have discussed issues where they have spoken to guys for months on end (while going on dates with them at the same time). And yet, the guy continues to play the "I'm not ready to commit card." If guys are not ready to commit, then why in the world would they be on a dating website that is based for Catholics? (When the whole idea of Catholicism in regard to dating is that you date to determine if you are compatible for marriage. And then if you are compatible, then you marry.) Now some of these women have met these men elsewhere--in real life or on other dating websites. However, the bottom line is, if a man says he is a Christian--and truly loves God and lives for Him--then "keeping his options open" in my opinion seems a bit like using contraception in effort not to get pregnant because you do not trust God enough to let His Providence and Divine Will occur. To me, this is why there are so many single older women and men--and by older I mean in their mid to late 30's and early 40's. Women have biological clocks. Men need to know this if they don't already. So, why on Earth are they, more often than not, "keeping their options open" if they want a family one day? Don't they know that eventually a woman will not be able to give them children? I just do not get this!

So, men, feel free to enlighten us women with your ideas, opinions, etc.

--hide--

"keeping options open" = he isn't that into you...kind of like when you ladies tell us men that you just want to be "friends".

LOCKED
03/03/2013 new

You certainly laid it on the line. I remember going to my conservative catholic college and taking a young lady out for something fun but not totally a date. Well that week another female friend of mine and I watched a movie together. The first young lady got wind of it and confronted me about how I was a player. Grant you, it was just some fun activities and a hug good bye.. Keeping options open is not abad thing when you are not in a relationship. Getting to know just one person isn't noble, its foolish. Obviously as you keep your options open you try to narrow it down on someone you match with. If you just get to know one person at a time you may be neglecting a chance to meet the person who matches with you best. I'd say the guys who are keeping their options open are waiting till they know they match with someone enough to pursue a relationship. They have the good head on their shoulders and the one who just falls right in and looks at no one else. Well I'd compare that to the person that walks into a market and doesn't shop around but just picks the first thing he sees. Don't get mad at the practical guys who keep their options open, they are the ones with the brains.

LOCKED
03/03/2013 new

(Quote) Steve-650539 said: "keeping options open" = he isn't that into you...kind of like wh...
(Quote) Steve-650539 said:

"keeping options open" = he isn't that into you...kind of like when you ladies tell us men that you just want to be "friends".

--hide--


Steve hit the nail smack dab on the head. In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about why a guy does this or why a guy does that, because it gives me the feel that you're trying to fix him to be the man you're looking for. To put it in the words of a psychologist I like, "When you walk into a pet store and purchase a porcupine you'll walk out with a porcupine, it's not going to turn into a soft, cuddly puppy when you walk out the door." That's the way it is with men. When you find a player or commitment phobe, you'll have a player or commitment phobe, don't try to turn him into something he's not.......a committed man. If he's not willing to be mono a mono with you, then kick him to the curb and move on to the next. It's that simple. Not trying to sound harsh, just laying it on the line.

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