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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Dan-656122 said: (Quote) Steve-650539 said: "keeping options open"...
(Quote) Dan-656122 said:

Quote:
Steve-650539 said:

"keeping options open" = he isn't that into you...kind of like when you ladies tell us men that you just want to be "friends".




Steve hit the nail smack dab on the head. In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about why a guy does this or why a guy does that, because it gives me the feel that you're trying to fix him to be the man you're looking for. To put it in the words of a psychologist I like, "When you walk into a pet store and purchase a porcupine you'll walk out with a porcupine, it's not going to turn into a soft, cuddly puppy when you walk out the door." That's the way it is with men. When you find a player or commitment phobe, you'll have a player or commitment phobe, don't try to turn him into something he's not.......a committed man. If he's not willing to be mono a mono with you, then kick him to the curb and move on to the next. It's that simple. Not trying to sound harsh, just laying it on the line.

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It seems that the OP asked WHY so many men seem to do the "keep your options open dance". She mentioned how a woman's fertility is limited and she asked why they do this knowing a woman will run out of the chance to procreate. Any comments on the actual question?

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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Dan-656122 said: (Quote) Steve-650539 said: "keeping options open"...
(Quote) Dan-656122 said:

Quote:
Steve-650539 said:

"keeping options open" = he isn't that into you...kind of like when you ladies tell us men that you just want to be "friends".




Steve hit the nail smack dab on the head. In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about why a guy does this or why a guy does that, because it gives me the feel that you're trying to fix him to be the man you're looking for. To put it in the words of a psychologist I like, "When you walk into a pet store and purchase a porcupine you'll walk out with a porcupine, it's not going to turn into a soft, cuddly puppy when you walk out the door." That's the way it is with men. When you find a player or commitment phobe, you'll have a player or commitment phobe, don't try to turn him into something he's not.......a committed man. If he's not willing to be mono a mono with you, then kick him to the curb and move on to the next. It's that simple. Not trying to sound harsh, just laying it on the line.

--hide--


I forgot to mention I agree with you that some of the guys are going to remain unable to commit and want to remain a player-- and that no woman should try to change that. But you are saying that labeling these things as traits is something we should DO and then move on.

You are saying that women should jump to those conclusions or call a spade a spade and then move on- right? You may have something there. thumbsup

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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Brian-699857 said: Talking for months on end without a commitment? Well, at that point, the finger pointing ...
(Quote) Brian-699857 said:



Talking for months on end without a commitment? Well, at that point, the finger pointing can go both ways. If a lady thinks someone’s keeping their options open, and isn’t making her intentions clear, then she has no argument as to why she let this go on so long and hasn’t dropped this type of ‘relationship’ like a sack of cement. Everyone has his/her own timeline. If someone’s not ready to commit, then they just aren’t, but you have to take assessment of where things were headed long before you get to talking to someone for months on end. Then, there are those who just need the proverbial club upside the head with a direct question as to whether they are ready to commit. If you don’t ask, and taking it a step further if a biological clock is part of the equation, you won’t receive. That’s the bottom line. Emotional investment aside during that timeframe of talking/dating for months on end, there’s a four letter word for this situation and it’s called, NEXT but a lady has to set her own timeline up front as to how long she’s going to wait

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So... does this mean that, after three or so months of talking to a guy, if he hasn't suggested that you talk on the phone or meet or date or move the relationship forward in any way, the girl should say something? Something about that seems a little backward, probably because the guy should be the one to make that move.

But, on the other hand, if he's not going to make that move, then I guess it makes sense that the girl should make it. Is that what you're saying, Brian?

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Mar 4th 2013 new
(Quote) Hannah-708610 said: So... does this mean that, after three or so months of talking to a guy, if he hasn't suggested th...
(Quote) Hannah-708610 said:

So... does this mean that, after three or so months of talking to a guy, if he hasn't suggested that you talk on the phone or meet or date or move the relationship forward in any way, the girl should say something? Something about that seems a little backward, probably because the guy should be the one to make that move.

But, on the other hand, if he's not going to make that move, then I guess it makes sense that the girl should make it. Is that what you're saying, Brian?

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Hannah, I'm not quite sure what he meant. However if a guy was talking only online to me for three months I would finally just mention that anything substantial is not going to come from merely an email. Meeting face-to-face, talking on the phone, or Skyping would all be good options. I've confronted guys like this before and had varied responses; although I never let it get to 3 months. That essentially seems WAY too long be communicating only via e-mail (unless of course the circumstances only permit him to communicate this way--eg he is stationed in Afghanistan).
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Mar 4th 2013 new
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: That essentially seems WAY too long be communicating only via e-mail (unless of course the circumstances on...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: That essentially seems WAY too long be communicating only via e-mail (unless of course the circumstances only permit him to communicate this way--eg he is stationed in Afghanistan).
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laughing laughing
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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Mary-486033 said:
(Quote) Mary-486033 said:
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Yes, I never quite understood why a guy would think he could only communicate with you via email for such a long period of time. I mean it's pretty straightforward--you're either into a woman or you're not. Guys wouldn't want us to do this to them. Most of them would probably grow tired of it after a while, if they had say asked for our number, and we continued to not give it out to them. I know that has been the case for me. All we're asking for is mutual respect gentleman. Mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule anyone?

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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Yes, I never quite understood why a guy would think he could only communicat...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said:

Yes, I never quite understood why a guy would think he could only communicate with you via email for such a long period of time. I mean it's pretty straightforward--you're either into a woman or you're not. Guys wouldn't want us to do this to them. Most of them would probably grow tired of it after a while, if they had say asked for our number, and we continued to not give it out to them. I know that has been the case for me. All we're asking for is mutual respect gentleman. Mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule anyone?

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To be fair, I haven't met guys who do this. I was just throwing out an example. That would be a crazy long time, I agree. :)

The problem I see with this whole question, which I think someone brought up earlier, is that there are no set rules. Dating has different definitions, and new ones seem to be added all the time. As a very wise woman once said, dating can mean whatever the two people in the relationship want it to mean. There's no rule book or set timeline.

This lack of boundaries and set rules is really frustrating. At least, I find it frustrating. But I think some people like moving things along faster than others. I tend to think the course a relationship takes will be different depending on the personalities and relationship of the two people involved. Also, because there is no set timeline, there will probably be misunderstandings and bumps along the way, but those can be good opportunities for the couple to work through difficulties and find out just how much they are or aren't on the same page.

In conclusion... I'm not quite sure where I got with that, but it seems like it would be ok for a girl to say something to a guy if she doesn't think they're on the same page.

Just my two cents.

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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Hannah-708610 said: To be fair, I haven't met guys who do this. I was just throwing out an example. Tha...
(Quote) Hannah-708610 said:

To be fair, I haven't met guys who do this. I was just throwing out an example. That would be a crazy long time, I agree. :)

The problem I see with this whole question, which I think someone brought up earlier, is that there are no set rules. Dating has different definitions, and new ones seem to be added all the time. As a very wise woman once said, dating can mean whatever the two people in the relationship want it to mean. There's no rule book or set timeline.

This lack of boundaries and set rules is really frustrating. At least, I find it frustrating. But I think some people like moving things along faster than others. I tend to think the course a relationship takes will be different depending on the personalities and relationship of the two people involved. Also, because there is no set timeline, there will probably be misunderstandings and bumps along the way, but those can be good opportunities for the couple to work through difficulties and find out just how much they are or aren't on the same page.

In conclusion... I'm not quite sure where I got with that, but it seems like it would be ok for a girl to say something to a guy if she doesn't think they're on the same page.

Just my two cents.

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Hannah,

I couldn't agree with you more! I am glad to know that your scenario was just hypothetical. Yes, because there are no implied "rules" for dating anymore--thanks to the feministic movement among other factors--dating has become more difficult. However, I once read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." It was one of the best books I had ever read and gave me insight into how some individuals view dating, especially when they are looking for a Godly spouse. It was written by a man who essentially quite dating. He just focused on God and his singleness until he discovered what he really wanted--both in life and in a future spouse. He figured if you don't know those two things then how can you focus on something as pivotal as finding God's spouse for you?

I wasn't saying whether it was okay or not to ask a guy where things are going. Like you said, there really are no set rules for dating. Thus, what is okay for one person may not be okay for another (and ultimately, it has to deal with a person's level of comfortability and assertiveness). Undoubtedly, we women typically want the man to take the lead. It shows leadership--a quality which is respected, admired and of course desired in a husband. However, I'm the type of person that I will eventually just tell someone the facts--which are that communicating via email only is never going to be able to tell you if you are compatible with a person or not. F2F is always best and if that is not possible sooner rather than later then talking on the phone or video chatting is an alternative to emailing.

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Mar 4th 2013 new

I come from a culture where the couple dates for a very short time (say a month or less) and then the parents get involved in the process if the couple agrees that there is that spark and in a years time they will be married. The concept of divorce is very rare. In the US however, people like to date for a minimum of 2 years, if something goes wrong after 20 months, it's splitsville. I like the first approach beacuse of my culture but when in Rome, do as the Romans do!

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Mar 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Mary-486033 said:
(Quote) Mary-486033 said:
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I'm ok with Tiffiany using being stationed in Afghanistan as an example of what she was referring to, but is it laughable? My first thoughts went out to all members of the Armed Forces who were sent there to put up with the ungodly heat while carrying 100 lbs of equipment.

Mary, I'm sure you meant no disrespect but it could be taken that way, especially because you used that part of the quote in bold font.

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