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Singles discussion related to wedding planning, engagement, and married life should be posted in this room.

Saint Valentine is patron saint of love, young people, and happy marriages.
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Mar 4th 2013 new

Thanks, Rosemary, for sharing your story.


hug


Mari

Mar 4th 2013 new

The best relationship advice I ever heard, and it has worked well in my own long term relationships, is this:

Never negotiation the what, only negotiate the how and the when.

So, if your partner says, "I want to go camping with my buddies" it's not "you can't" it's, "when would that work out best and how will we coordinate what will need to be done in your absence?"

"I want to get my Ph.D" is not "you can't" but, "can you wait until after I make partner in the law firm, and go part time so the children are not adversely impacted?"

Otherwise you crush someone else's dreams and ideas, and that is not right or good for the relationship.

Mar 4th 2013 new
Love it Pat! That is excellent advice! :)
Mar 10th 2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Hi CM friends! I was wondering if those who are currently in a long-term committed relationship, marr...
(Quote) Tiffiany-902101 said: Hi CM friends! I was wondering if those who are currently in a long-term committed relationship, married, or have been married could enlighten me (and other singles) with advice and guidance--sort of like mentoring to us singles? Specifically, if you could give advice, tips, etc. for the singles on CM who have never been in a LT relationship or married and how we can become the woman or man (respectively) that a Godly man or woman (respectively) would want and need? Practically speaking, what is it that you feel is beneficial to know before entering into a serious LT relationship, engagement, or marriage (whichever your particular case may be) AND/OR what is it that you wish someone would have told you when YOU were single and waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right (depending if you are female or male, respectively of course) to come along? Thank you so much! I assure you dozens of singles are eager to hear from you!
--hide--


I usually bypass this forum, because most of the topics really have nothing to do with marriage prep. But the one piece of advice I could offer is… a real relationship isn’t about what you can get out of it; it’s what you can bring to it.

I agree with what Ray said in regards to trial and error, and part of that trial and error is defining what’s ‘really’ important in the early stages of a relationship (and no I’m not referring to superficial topics such as…I need someone this tall because I don’t want to be taller than them on that one night a year I wear heels to go out dancing). What really struck me after I had proposed, and we were setting a wedding date, was the marriage prep literature (and in some cases the lack thereof) available on various diocese websites. Since we’re in an LDR, attempting to locate an engaged couples retreat weekend that fit our schedules and travel availability was a challenge. I was shocked to see how few are actually available at any given time, even in major cities. This forced us to look at different areas, and in doing so, I had the opportunity to read a number of different diocese websites. While most parishes sort of give you a checklist of things that need to be done, the parishes with active websites all seemed to have their own little spin on what’s important leading into marriage. Some parishes talk about cohabitation, others talk about the role in raising a family, etc., but it’s done in a non-argumentative fashion (which the forums don’t provide). It’s not about what other members on the site think, or about what your friends/family think. It’s about getting you to think about understanding how to bridge those topics that are important to you. So while the subject matter may be under the marriage section of a parish website, I’ve found it to be information that can help anyone.

Mar 10th 2013 new

It is too bad that married people are banned on this site. It would be great to hear from them - especially those who met on this site. I have been singles most of my life so I am probably not the best resource, but I do have quite a bit of dating and relationship experience as well.

I have found the following to be most important:

1. sharing similar values
2. having open and direct communication
3. trust
4. similar personalities
5. similar backgrounds and education
6. living within a resonable driving distance
7. physical attraction

8. probably most important - a mutual desire to be with each other and make the relationship work

Mar 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Rosemarie-744159 said: a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!
(Quote) Rosemarie-744159 said:

a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!

--hide--


Hi Rosemarie.


Thanks for sharing the story of your parents!


It really made me think....

Mar 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Never negotiate the what, only negotiate the how and the when. Otherwise you crush someone els...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Never negotiate the what, only negotiate the how and the when.

Otherwise you crush someone else's dreams and ideas, and that is not right or good for the relationship.

--hide--


That makes so much sense, Pat!


I appreciate the examples you gave.....


I had an aha moment along these lines this past weekend while baby-sitting a 5 yr old. We were out for a walk, the weather was unseasonably warm for winter and she insisted on walking further and further from home. My first reaction was "no" but then I reconsidered. We were under no time constraint, the weather was great and so we walked and walked and walked. We had an absolutely delightful time, conversed extensively and met many interesting people and pets along the way. While it was not on the same scale as someone's dream, the experience really made me ponder why my first reaction was almost instinctively negative......

Thanks again for sharing your advice.

Mar 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Brian-699857 said: I usually bypass this forum, because most of the topics really have nothing to do...
(Quote) Brian-699857 said:



I usually bypass this forum, because most of the topics really have nothing to do with marriage prep. But the one piece of advice I could offer is… a real relationship isn’t about what you can get out of it; it’s what you can bring to it.

I agree with what Ray said in regards to trial and error, and part of that trial and error is defining what’s ‘really’ important in the early stages of a relationship (and no I’m not referring to superficial topics such as…I need someone this tall because I don’t want to be taller than them on that one night a year I wear heels to go out dancing). What really struck me after I had proposed, and we were setting a wedding date, was the marriage prep literature (and in some cases the lack thereof) available on various diocese websites. Since we’re in an LDR, attempting to locate an engaged couples retreat weekend that fit our schedules and travel availability was a challenge. I was shocked to see how few are actually available at any given time, even in major cities. This forced us to look at different areas, and in doing so, I had the opportunity to read a number of different diocese websites. While most parishes sort of give you a checklist of things that need to be done, the parishes with active websites all seemed to have their own little spin on what’s important leading into marriage. Some parishes talk about cohabitation, others talk about the role in raising a family, etc., but it’s done in a non-argumentative fashion (which the forums don’t provide). It’s not about what other members on the site think, or about what your friends/family think. It’s about getting you to think about understanding how to bridge those topics that are important to you. So while the subject matter may be under the marriage section of a parish website, I’ve found it to be information that can help anyone.

--hide--

Thanks, Brian! Your advice was very helpful! I would definitely agree with you in that a relationship has to be about what you can give and do for the other person--not about what you can get and what they will do for you. I also feel that decisions which may be controversial need to be made between that couple; at the end of the day people may be told what to do or not to do but they are going to do what they feel is best for them.

Mar 12th 2013 new

1. I love your last sentence: a mutual desire to be with each other and make the relationship work. If both of you agree that "there's only one way out" you will be successful.

2. I don't want to hear from newlyweds. I was married happily for 18 years, I now how it's done. Plus, I'm sure newly-married couples don't want to air their dirty laundry in public. I say again, start a topic in the Widowers' Room.

Mar 12th 2013 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: The best relationship advice I ever heard, and it has worked well in my own long term relationships, ...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

The best relationship advice I ever heard, and it has worked well in my own long term relationships, is this:

Never negotiation the what, only negotiate the how and the when.

So, if your partner says, "I want to go camping with my buddies" it's not "you can't" it's, "when would that work out best and how will we coordinate what will need to be done in your absence?"

"I want to get my Ph.D" is not "you can't" but, "can you wait until after I make partner in the law firm, and go part time so the children are not adversely impacted?"

Otherwise you crush someone else's dreams and ideas, and that is not right or good for the relationship.

--hide--


LOVE THIS Pat!

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