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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people under 45. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

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Scaring men away

Mar 3rd 2013 new

I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some insight. I am a pretty bold person, sometimes too bold perhaps including being really talkative and honest about my feelings, especially when I just want things to happen when I see potential (which suggests that I don't always want to let God be in control of the relationship area of my life). I feel as though I scare many guys away with my talkative and forward personality, being too honest;). And then I have moments where I get scared and just completely back away when I am faced with the possibility of someone being interested in me because I don't want to them to think that I am crowding them or being bothersome. There may be an obvious answer but how do I calm myself down? Is it more appropriate to let the man say how he feels instead of admitting my feelings first? Will a guy say something about how he truly feels or is it more common for a guy to be too shy to express those feelings until awhile later? I don't want to scare guys away or make them feel uncomfortable or make them think that I don't like them, but sometimes I feel as though I don't have a guy because of those very reasons. Help!

Mar 3rd 2013 new

Hi Annie,

Welcome to the forums!

I can relate to the topic title - I used to think I was wearing a Frankenstein mask or something. laughing

I can’t really answer all of your questions, but I would like to throw something out there for consideration. A lot of how individuals react to given
social situations has to do with their personalities, regardless of whether they are male or female.

Someone who is predominately melancholic will take a different approach to social interactions than someone who is predominantly sanguine, for example. Aside from the temperaments as used on this site, there is the classic Briggs-Meyers test, which demonstrates how differently
introverts and extroverts respond to social situations.

In any situation, it takes some getting-to-know someone before you can accurately gauge if something you say will push someone away or bring him closer.

Mar 3rd 2013 new

Thank you, Angela! That's very true, what you bring up. It is difficult to tell unless we truly know someone's personality.

Mar 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Annie-939836 said: I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some...
(Quote) Annie-939836 said:

I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some insight. I am a pretty bold person, sometimes too bold perhaps including being really talkative and honest about my feelings, especially when I just want things to happen when I see potential (which suggests that I don't always want to let God be in control of the relationship area of my life). I feel as though I scare many guys away with my talkative and forward personality, being too honest;). And then I have moments where I get scared and just completely back away when I am faced with the possibility of someone being interested in me because I don't want to them to think that I am crowding them or being bothersome. There may be an obvious answer but how do I calm myself down? Is it more appropriate to let the man say how he feels instead of admitting my feelings first? Will a guy say something about how he truly feels or is it more common for a guy to be too shy to express those feelings until awhile later? I don't want to scare guys away or make them feel uncomfortable or make them think that I don't like them, but sometimes I feel as though I don't have a guy because of those very reasons. Help!

--hide--

Annie,

I cannot comment for the men. However, like you, I have a very strong personality. I've been told that I am very intimidating (in real life). I asked why and was told "You're smart, beautiful, outgoing, and funny." I as like "Really?" I mean I guess it's not that I didn't believe I was all those things, but I just didn't think that they were intimidating. To me I often see an attractive guy (in person or online) and wonder if he is "too out of my league." I also wonder what I can do to "tone down" my personality so that I am not so "intimidating." However, this is what I have learned: God has made me who I am for a reason. I am by no means perfect. Far, far from it. Sometimes I am quick to react, a little dramatic, and not always as easily understood due to my lack of good communication skills. However, I feel that whatever changes need to be made can be brought to my attention through prayer. Think of all the wonderful women who have accomplished amazing things because of their spunk--Oprah, Rosa Parks, Sarah Palin, Mother Theresa, Margaret Thatcher--just to name a few. Fortunately for me I have quite a few wonderful female mentors who are just as "intimidating" as me as first glance. They are attractive, highly accomplished, intelligent, and go-getters. However, what men should realize is that this is the way God made you and that these qualities--though intimidating--are positive and will only further be reflected as you become an amazing friend, girlfriend, wife, and mother. It only takes one guy to recognize the greatness in you--just remember that. You are looking for quality not quantity. My mother told me to never apologize for who I am or who God has made me to be. It is like telling God that he made a mistake when He made you. Perhaps we can learn to be a little bit less intimidating, although I'm trying to figure out how while at the same time still being me, but NEVER change who you are!

Mar 3rd 2013 new
Thanks Tiffany, You are completely right. It's just about waiting for God to put that guy in our lives that can match with our "intimidating" characteristics. I guess I get impatient. I know he's out there but I don't know where. Trust is what it takes. Thanks for your input!
Mar 3rd 2013 new

I see nothing wrong with a woman who is straight-forward. I for one prefer a woman who is straight-forward and confident as I have quite a strong personality myself. But as Angela pointed out, different personalities react differently to people who have a strong and outspoken characteristics.

Mar 4th 2013 new

One of the advantages of online dating is, you get to reveal your personality little by little via written word before you move to phone and F2F. That way, if you are a real extrovert, you're not "hitting them between the eyes" with your friendliness, and if you're an introvert, you aren't meeting a stranger but someone who already knows what you're like.

Mar 4th 2013 new

I personally would prefer face-to-face. I don't like talking on the phone. I love to write, but find only when I already know the other person. However, I'm very good at simply meeting people. I got alot of practice when I worked for the president of a college and then some when I did some secreterial service for the higher officer ranks. And when I'm face to face, I can tell when someone doesn't understand what I'm saying. Or if I'm coming on too strong. Or if they are bored or simply not interested. Otherwise I feel I have no sense of where I stand. Unfortunately for me the Catholic population here is very small, so catholicmatch is now a necessity.

Mar 5th 2013 new

(Quote) Annie-939836 said: I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some...
(Quote) Annie-939836 said:

I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some insight. I am a pretty bold person, sometimes too bold perhaps including being really talkative and honest about my feelings, especially when I just want things to happen when I see potential (which suggests that I don't always want to let God be in control of the relationship area of my life). I feel as though I scare many guys away with my talkative and forward personality, being too honest;). And then I have moments where I get scared and just completely back away when I am faced with the possibility of someone being interested in me because I don't want to them to think that I am crowding them or being bothersome. There may be an obvious answer but how do I calm myself down? Is it more appropriate to let the man say how he feels instead of admitting my feelings first? Will a guy say something about how he truly feels or is it more common for a guy to be too shy to express those feelings until awhile later? I don't want to scare guys away or make them feel uncomfortable or make them think that I don't like them, but sometimes I feel as though I don't have a guy because of those very reasons. Help!

--hide--
Annie, I don't think there is a pat answer to your question. As the song goes: Different strokes for different folks. What works one time for one person will be a complete bomb with another. It's a matter of personalities. What's important is that you know yourself and how you come across to others. A couple of your closest friends might be able to help you in that area. Be self-confident and, above all, be yourself. You can't hide who you really are so why try to put on a false facade? The real you will come out eventually anyway.

Some guys appreciate women who are up-front, blunt and honest; others want the tone softened. As you gain experience dating different people, you'll get a better feel for this. If you find yourself blabbing on and on, it might be due to excitement or nervousness. Don't forget to pause occasionally, come up for air and breathe. Repeat as needed.

There are many guys who don't express their feelings vocally, but you can still get a good reading on them judging by how they are treating you. For them, actions speak louder than words.

Happy dating.

Mar 5th 2013 new
(Quote) Annie-939836 said: I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some insight. I am...
(Quote) Annie-939836 said:

I have a few questions, mainly for the gentlemen, but ladies can answer as well if they have some insight. I am a pretty bold person, sometimes too bold perhaps including being really talkative and honest about my feelings, especially when I just want things to happen when I see potential (which suggests that I don't always want to let God be in control of the relationship area of my life). I feel as though I scare many guys away with my talkative and forward personality, being too honest;). And then I have moments where I get scared and just completely back away when I am faced with the possibility of someone being interested in me because I don't want to them to think that I am crowding them or being bothersome. There may be an obvious answer but how do I calm myself down? Is it more appropriate to let the man say how he feels instead of admitting my feelings first? Will a guy say something about how he truly feels or is it more common for a guy to be too shy to express those feelings until awhile later? I don't want to scare guys away or make them feel uncomfortable or make them think that I don't like them, but sometimes I feel as though I don't have a guy because of those very reasons. Help!

--hide--


Coming from a guys perspective it really depends some guys will just outright say it. Others will wait for you to give them signals how you feel about them and yes there are occasionally some who are just too shy to make a move. However the majority I would say fall into the second category if your bcking away your probably sending the i'm not interested vibe. I will say with me personally I usually say whats on my mind if i'm interested the problem with me is I move so fast lol so I can determine if i'm interested well really really quickly lol
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