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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people under 45. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

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Mar 10th 2013 new

Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling this way! I'm super honest about my feelings, so I feel like I scare guys off too... :( It's a bit disheartening since I'm trying to overcome whatever shyness I still have, and be very open and honest, but a lot of times I just feel misunderstood. Do guys not appreciate that level of openness? I mean, I can seriously tone it down and hide in my shell, but I feel like that would only be detrimental to the whole process...

Mar 10th 2013 new
From my years here I'd say yes your openness to talk scares many of both genders. Communication is a lost art foem that NEEDS to be revived!
Mar 11th 2013 new

(Quote) Christy-929874 said: Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling this way! I'm super honest about my feelings, s...
(Quote) Christy-929874 said:

Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling this way! I'm super honest about my feelings, so I feel like I scare guys off too... :( It's a bit disheartening since I'm trying to overcome whatever shyness I still have, and be very open and honest, but a lot of times I just feel misunderstood. Do guys not appreciate that level of openness? I mean, I can seriously tone it down and hide in my shell, but I feel like that would only be detrimental to the whole process...

--hide--

Hi Christy,

I personally appreciate openness in a woman, but to the OP question I think it's important to understand in most dating situations two people are not in the same place at the same time with their feelings for one and other. That's not really a bad thing, but if the person who has the stronger feelings is very opened and honest about their feelings very quickly it CAN come off and needy or pushy and scaring people off.

To be clear Christy, I'm not saying you or the OP poster are pushy or needy only that some men MAY be viewing your actions in this way.

Mar 14th 2013 new

(Quote) Tiffiany-90210 ... never apologize for who I am or who God has made me to be. It is like telling God that he made a mistake...
(Quote) Tiffiany-90210 ... never apologize for who I am or who God has made me to be. It is like telling God that he made a mistake when He made you. Perhaps we can learn to be a little bit less intimidating, although I'm trying to figure out how while at the same time still being me, but NEVER change who you are!

--hide--


Hi, Tiffiany. This sounds familiar to me. I nearly wrote 'Sorry, if I'm not athletic, or slim or bla..bla..' when I was writing my profile but then I told myself 'Why should I say sorry if I don't meet their criteria? Why should I feel guilty? I like me and enjoy being myself. So it's just fine if they don't find me attractive. I'm not whom they're looking for and vice versa." Looking back, I realised that I was raised and influenced by people who still held on to our traditional values in which being courteous is very important and that we should avoid to offend others by our words. So we sort of frequent in saying sorry, like when someone stepped on your foot you'd say "Sorry. You stepped on my foot." I remembered my friend once reminded me not to say sorry when I don't need to, so I learn not to. What I'm trying to say is that we should be the best we can be. Don't change to be someone who is not you for the sake of a relationship that will bring you nothing but losing your own identity. It'll be too sad :-( Don't listen to people who say that if we are still single until now means that we have bad/worse personalities or characters. Again, everything has its timing and maybe ours is a bit later >.<

Mar 14th 2013 new

I think if we are not true to who we really are, then we don't give people the opportunity to fall in love with the real us. I think the hardest thing about being ourselves is that when we long for a relationship its easy to think that, oh, I can tone this down. But unless toning it down is something you actually really intend to work on improving a portion of your life, rather than just "hiding it" for the sake of a relationship, you are cheating both the person you are dating, and yourself.

For me, I love to talk, but I also love to listen, and its really hard here sometimes unless you get to phone conversations or face to face interaction. It's especially hard when you send messages back and forth and then sometimes don't get a response for several days. (Patience, it is a virtue as I keep telling myself.) It's also hard not to wonder, "well, what did I do wrong" when someone just disappears without an explanation. You just have to remember to trust in God, and to continue to prepare yourself for the relationship that God has prepared for you - and perhaps it does mean that you're supposed to be single for sometime - so you can work on your relationship with God. This is something that I have to remind myself on a frequent basis!

So don't think about what you did wrong, or how you scared men away. Stay true to yourself - God is preparing the man who will recognize and treasure this part about you. :)

Mar 17th 2013 new

(Quote) Justin-32820 said: Hi Christy, I personally appreciate openness in a woman, but to the OP question I think it...
(Quote) Justin-32820 said:

Hi Christy,

I personally appreciate openness in a woman, but to the OP question I think it's important to understand in most dating situations two people are not in the same place at the same time with their feelings for one and other. That's not really a bad thing, but if the person who has the stronger feelings is very opened and honest about their feelings very quickly it CAN come off and needy or pushy and scaring people off.

To be clear Christy, I'm not saying you or the OP poster are pushy or needy only that some men MAY be viewing your actions in this way.

--hide--

No worries, Justin, I'm sure some days I probably am guilty of being pushy. It comes from the need to go out and create my own success since there was no one else going to do it for me; I've been battling that self-reliance since I started dating since it's not about me, but about "us". It's not about succeeding, but about living. It has required a vastly different mindset, which has taken some getting used to.

I am convinced that if a relationship is meant to last forever that those faults would be more insignificant, although probably never overlooked. It's those little trials that (I'm told) are supposed to help the couple grow to be better people before God, by working together to eliminate as much as possible the shortcomings. Not saying we shouldn't work on our faults now or ASAP, but I think there will be give-and-take and compromise involved. I'm sure it will take a very special man to be able to figure me out, but I also know God will lead me to him eventually if that's how it is meant to be, so for now I do what I can, and wait as patiently as I can (God willing, I grow in patience every day), and above all, pray.

Mar 17th 2013 new

Annie-939836 said:

"There may be an obvious answer but how do I calm myself down?"

Start with literally taking a deep breath. smile

Proceed with some simple repeated prayer of surrender like, "Lord, may your light shine through me." (Take a few moments after praying this to wait calmly and quietly on the Lord to see if He wants to speak something to you.) The more you surrender yourself to Him, the more the real you will emerge and the less you'll need to worry about whether you are "too this" or "not enough that." Whatever you are in Him will be "just right."

"Is it more appropriate to let the man say how he feels instead of admitting my feelings first?"

Not necessarily, no.

"Will a guy say something about how he truly feels or is it more common for a guy to be too shy to express those feelings until awhile later?"

I don't know what the precise "stats" are, but, as others have already indicated, it definitely varies from guy to guy.

"I don't want to scare guys away or make them feel uncomfortable or make them think that I don't like them, but sometimes I feel as though I don't have a guy because of those very reasons. Help!"

Which reasons? smile Because you are too one thing, or not enough another? Repeat step one... wink

wave

Mar 23rd 2013 new

(Quote) Justin-32820 said: (Quote) Christy-929874 said: Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling t...
(Quote) Justin-32820 said:

Quote:
Christy-929874 said:

Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling this way! I'm super honest about my feelings, so I feel like I scare guys off too... :( It's a bit disheartening since I'm trying to overcome whatever shyness I still have, and be very open and honest, but a lot of times I just feel misunderstood. Do guys not appreciate that level of openness? I mean, I can seriously tone it down and hide in my shell, but I feel like that would only be detrimental to the whole process...


Hi Christy,

I personally appreciate openness in a woman, but to the OP question I think it's important to understand in most dating situations two people are not in the same place at the same time with their feelings for one and other. That's not really a bad thing, but if the person who has the stronger feelings is very opened and honest about their feelings very quickly it CAN come off and needy or pushy and scaring people off.

To be clear Christy, I'm not saying you or the OP poster are pushy or needy only that some men MAY be viewing your actions in this way.

--hide--


Well said Justin. Relationships are like flowers. They need to open organically otherwise they may break.


Perhaps, another way to think of it is like a dance. If one of the two parties tries to lead outside of the normal pacing of a dance, it will get all messed up. But, if both allow the dance to unfold naturally as the dance is meant to, then there will be a beautiful dance not only to be enjoyed by those dancing, but by those watching.

Mar 28th 2013 new

(Quote) John-43975 said: (Quote) Justin-32820 said: (Quote) Christy-929874 said: ...
(Quote) John-43975 said:

Quote:
Justin-32820 said:

Quote:
Christy-929874 said:

Oh my gosh, I can so relate to your feeling this way! I'm super honest about my feelings, so I feel like I scare guys off too... :( It's a bit disheartening since I'm trying to overcome whatever shyness I still have, and be very open and honest, but a lot of times I just feel misunderstood. Do guys not appreciate that level of openness? I mean, I can seriously tone it down and hide in my shell, but I feel like that would only be detrimental to the whole process...


Hi Christy,

I personally appreciate openness in a woman, but to the OP question I think it's important to understand in most dating situations two people are not in the same place at the same time with their feelings for one and other. That's not really a bad thing, but if the person who has the stronger feelings is very opened and honest about their feelings very quickly it CAN come off and needy or pushy and scaring people off.

To be clear Christy, I'm not saying you or the OP poster are pushy or needy only that some men MAY be viewing your actions in this way.




Well said Justin. Relationships are like flowers. They need to open organically otherwise they may break.


Perhaps, another way to think of it is like a dance. If one of the two parties tries to lead outside of the normal pacing of a dance, it will get all messed up. But, if both allow the dance to unfold naturally as the dance is meant to, then there will be a beautiful dance not only to be enjoyed by those dancing, but by those watching.

--hide--


In agreement with both Justin and John on this one, it's very easy to scare people off if you come off too strong or attached too soon. This is something I constantly have to curb myself on, being predominately a sanguine personality wise, I tend to be more emotionally heavy, and get attached to people quickly if I like them, but am aware of the impractical nature that comes with my normal line of thought. Having engaging conversations for the better part of a month is all well in good, and a nice connection can be established, but when it comes to feelings even if they're there, it's best to express them a little at a time, or wait for the other person to give some sign of being inviting to them. For example if they start to flirt a little, you can likely flirt back with little to no consequence.

Apr 2nd 2013 new

I've found that you shouldn't worry about scaring men away with your personality, because the men you scare away weren't meant for you in the first place. That's what first impressions are all about. If you let your true personality show in the job interview, you may not get the job, but probably also saved yourself from the misery of a job you hate. If you "scare away" someone who doesn't want to listen, you may have saved yourself from a nightmarish first date. Just be yourself. Be talkative, be bold, be blunt, above all be yourself. There's a man out there who wants/needs a talkative, blunt, brutally honest wife, and you just might be her.

Don't let your fears get in the way of showing who you are. If they aren't comfortable with your style of communication, how comfortable will they be on a date? Again, be yourself. There's a man out there who wants you to take the first step. They want to know what you're feeling first. They want to share feelings with you. They will find you, if you just be yourself.

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