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A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

May 20th 2013 new
Miriam you have much truth and wisdom in the way you express yourself about dating and meeting men.. Both men and women are guilty of being rash. You would make an excellent counselor. I truly enjoyed reading your thoughts and ideas
May 20th 2013 new
You hit the nail on the head of what I do for a living, Michael. I hope to have more opportunities in my field. I was surprised to see this thread resurrect. I do think persons rashly dismiss each other frequently here and everywhere--but especially here.
May 21st 2013 new
(quote) Lawrence-943343 said: Why not be scared. Falling in love is scary. You can get hurt. Every day you live you are one day closer to your death. For the most part, no one knows the time. By not doing something every day you risk never doing it. So, is it scarier to do something, or to live your life never doing it? The love found in marriage is generally thought of as the closest thing we can have in this lifetime to understanding and experiencing the Love God has for us. It is difficult to obtain and maintain but the reward is worth the risk. I guess people don't see marriage that way. They see marriages without the love that God desires for the marriage. Why would anybody want that? Ladies, if you want a good man, don't play games. There are many ladies out there that can see a good man. If you have the chance to get one and you play some silly game he will be gone. Good men, and good women, are hard to find. He'll be married to some other lady and you won't get a second chance. Men, works for you too. Also, good men and women, often times are good because that is what is expected of them. So expect a good person. Don't allow a person to be bad. By the way, you need to be a good person too.
Lawrence,

Very nice post. Thank you!!

Would be nice is if women here would at least grant men the courtesy of a response letting us know you're not interested, if you're not interested. That is the number one issue I have with sites such as this. While we can take a hint, it would be nice to know the message was at least received and considered.
May 22nd 2013 new
I am not saying one should reject someone out of hand. But in general we know after a short time if a relationship has potential or not. Once we have decided in the negative, the relationship should end.
May 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Naomi-698107 said: It is not my intention to sound like a bitter shrew, but I've never been "pursued" by men of any moral quality. Now it could be that the level at which I practice my faith means I view most others as being poor quality, but I like to think I was spot on fobbing men off who tell me gems like this: "They can't say no if they're unconscious", "I expect a BJ on the second date", and "You know none of your family can come to the wedding because they're Catholic right? I don't want them fouling up the Church with their demons" - said after I had had one coffee with the guy. -_-' I'm certainly not beating the guys off with a stick so its not like i"m turning them down rashly, and my inbox certainly isn't reaching capacity.
Those to whom you are referring may have been men, but certainly they weren't gentlemen.
May 22nd 2013 new

Okay, you get A for effort, but C+ for execution.
Lots of truth in that. Thanks for the laughing
May 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Gary-936836 said: ... she eventually very politely explained that it just wasn't gonna work out. I didn't get all the details I'd wanted, ...
See, that kind of thing burns me up.
Who is she that she gets to decide unilaterally that it won't do...without giving you a real reason?
May 22nd 2013 new
Try her again, just for a lark.

Him: Are you doing anything tonight, Miss Jones?
Her: (with a coy smile) No.....
Him: That's funny. I'm busy!
May 22nd 2013 new
I am just sharing this, particularly as it may be common. Chastity involves protection, which shyness is a natural defense and supporter of chastity; but there is a point that fortitude is required in justice to another human being when no sin or occasion of sin is involved. This may be rambling on a bit. :)

For the virtue of Justice:
Do I see colleagues and employees as objects to be manipulated or as persons to be served?

Am I aware that people are persons and not abstract factors of production? Do I realize that it is impossible for me to give them their due, as justice demands, if I do not love them?

Do I cultivate friendships or mere relationships? Am I aware that friendship is another name for service?

Continued...

Either to seek or to shun society is a fault in one striving to lead a devout life in the world. To shun society implies indifference and contempt for one's neighbours; and to seek it savours of idleness and uselessness. We are told to love one's neighbour as one's self. In token that we love him, we must not avoid being with him, and the test of loving one's self is to be happy when alone. Think first on thyself, says Saint Bernard, and then on other men. So that, if nothing obliges you to mix in society either at home or abroad, retire within yourself, and hold converse with your own heart. But if friends come to you, or there is fitting cause for you to go forth into society, then, my child, by all means go, and meet your neighbour with a kindly glance and a kindly heart. - "Intro to the Devout Life: Society and Solitude" by Church Doctor and Gentleman St. Francis de Sales
Saint Paul reproaching the derangement of the Gentiles, accuses them of being people without affection, that is to say who had no friendship (Romans 1:31). Make yourself affable to the congregation of the poor, humble your soul to the elderly, and bow your head to a great man (Ecclus 4:7). St. Thomas the Universal Doctor, states that friendship is part of the virtue of justice.1

Of the difference between true and false friendship:
  • Worldly friendship ordinarily produces a grand cluster of honeyed words, a cajolery of small passionate endearments from beauty, grace, and sensual qualities.
  • Sacred friendship has a simple and frank language, praising the virtue and grace of God, the unique foundation on which it subsists.
Laypeople, through the grace of Jesus Christ, require sacred friendships to ensure and assist each other with the many obstacles that they must overcome in the world (Introduction to the Devout Life: Real Friendship). Better are the wounds of a friend, than the deceitful kisses of an enemy (Proverbs 27:6).
We must have congenial friends as members of the Body of Christ. The eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of you, nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable (1 Cor 12:21). For as in one body we have many members, and all the members do not have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another (Rom 12:4-5). Therefore, the highest grace does not lie in being without friendships, but in having no friendships which are not good, holy, and true. "Marriage, when rightly understood, is a very real and holy friendship." (Introduction to the Devout Life: On Friendship - Evil & Frivolous Friendship)


This advice was written to and for a married woman, 400 years ago by a bishop known as the Gentleman Saint and a Doctor of the Church. For unmarried men and women, the advice would pretty much be the same.

Conclusion:
Working "through the getting to know you process" should fit in the above advice in justice. Neglecting such processes might be a neglect of justice or omission in fraternal communion. Christians are more than just bodies focused on eros. Agape, storge, philia are also important as human beings. This should lead to a more lasting joy rather than to mere feelings of happiness. :) Marriage should have justice and friendship as a foundation, as stated above. It's difficult to skip the foundation stage of getting to know people.

Comments, complaints, etc welcome. This is just some rambling overall. :)
May 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Julie-42315 said: As uncharitable as this may sound, the "rash" approach can be warranted in quite a few cases. Men who won't take "no" for an answer. Men who show blatant disrespect for the woman by making an indecent proposal. A total creep who won't leave you alone...
And a really big one; a married man who asks out a single woman. A gentle "no" doesn't always cut it.

But if a nice guy is being sincere and the woman just isn't interested, she should use some tact and decline politely.
What you're saying, Julie, certainly isn't uncharitable. It's good, common sense.
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