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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, prayers, and counsel.

It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. Basically, I met this girl, and everything was going perfect for several weeks, in fact, too perfect. Out everyone I've met in my life, travels, and browsed online, this girl surpassed everyone in a way I didn't think possible before. She was so similar to me (on the inside), it was scary. Not only were we on the same page on faith and politics, but it seemed like we shared the exact same way of thinking. Our values, interests, desires, and humor matched perfectly. For the first time, I've met someone who can understand and identify with every part of my personality (something not even my family or my friends can do, since there's always some part of me I can't relate with them). I think only God could possibly know me better at this point. And while I don't want to fall into superstition, I can't help but notice all sorts of coincidences that happened that really don't seem like coincidences. All that, plus I felt a great sense of holiness come over me, which I have never felt before in the past. This girl could easily be my best friend. Everything seemed like it was too good to be true until I got her note a couple of weeks ago.

Unfortunately, I was selfish, stupid, and full of pride and vanity. I wanted answers in my time instead of God's time, and my glory in front of God's glory. And so at the end of our first "official" date (though we knew eachother fairly well beforehand so it felt more like a 6th date), I kept pressing the idea that she should be my girlfriend and not see anyone else, without considering how she felt, and it scared her because the idea came too fast. In my arrogance, I didn't listen to her conerns. The next day I was told that after much prayer, she decided she didn't want to speak to me again. I could sense a lot of fear and conflict in her, in what she wrote. This is all thanks to my stupidity and impatience. Looking back, I can live without courting her. That's a matter of this world, not the next. But I feel like she has a unique gift, in that she knows the workings of my mind so well, that God can use that to help me in my journey to heaven (and vice-versa). And I'm certain she has something to say which concerns my soul, but she is afraid to tell me. The loss of spiritual growth and the graces God was giving me through our conversations is what I lament the most.

I tried sending a letter of apology, and I said I can accept there not being a romantic relationship, and I'd like to keep in touch for spiritual discussions and prayer support if nothing more. But the USPS has been as reliable as a certain fat man who runs an inn in Bree, and I know it was never delievered (based on the tracking).

And for all that said, I still have a deep and intense desire in my heart to pray for her, and help in any way I can to get her to heaven. I feel that is more important to me than anything right now. As much as I may try to forget about her, or tell myself that I am better off because she won't demand this or that, I realize that all my reasons are silly because the supposed "relief" would put me on a path away from God. While we had some differences, I realized those differences were things that I knew would have improved me and helped me to get to heaven. That doesn't make me feel happy, it just makes me feel worse because I realize more and more what I have lost.

Another problem is that I feel like my standards have been raised ridiculously high because of this. For whatever reason, I came back here to CM and as I browse around, apparently there's nothing (no offense to any nice ladies out there, but some people can be friends only, nothing more). It sounds cliche, but I can't feel the spark. No, it was more than an ordinary spark. It was more like a very deep calling in my heart to trust in God, and I've never felt it before or since meeting this girl. It seems that now that I know what God can offer, there's no going back to the old ways. I've realized that I can't settle for someone that just shares my views on faith and politics and just "tolerates" everything else. I need someone who can identify with all that I am, where I can be totally myself, where I don't have to hide anything. And what's more, I feel like I need that same feeling of God speaking to my heart and pulling me to a person again if I'm ever going to date someone. I can't describe it, or I don't know how to. All I can say is that there's so many people I would have dated before this happened, but now I feel that I just can't consider them anymore. I pray that girl doesn't end up settling for less either. But I suppose God has to have a plan.

I've been slowly reclaiming my life, but it's hard when everything you do, everything that interests you, everything you love, and everything that surrounds you is a reminder of what once was. I guess that's a problem when you find someone so eerily similar to you. It seems like there's no refuge from the memories. It's like trying to run away from yourself. Not to mention, every time I pray and try to talk to God, I am reminded of her and I feel a desire to pray for her safety.

I'm really lost as to what to do. Unfortunately, it seems the only person strong in faith I could turn to in a time like this (besides my confessor whom I have already consulted twice in very long conversations) happens to be the young lady in question. And so that's why I've come here. Has anyone had an experience like this before? I'm trying to trust in God, I know He is testing me, but it's hard. Thoughts?

Mar 5th 2013 new

Robert,

I feel concern for you, reading this. You have "placed all your bets" on this young lady and it is likely you will not see her again. The dating arena can be so difficult to navigate! You said "everything was going perfect." Well, perhaps it was from your perspective, but for some reason on her end it was not. She was spooked somehow. It is very easy at this point to blame yourself, but that is unproductive. It sounds like you have learned a great deal in this. If praying for her is somehow a comfort for you, I think you should work from that. I had a man in my past who I still pray for, and who will never be more than a memory, but God Does have a plan! I, too, work from my incredibly high standards, and then I remember to try to look at people with Godly love.
Gosh, I want you to realize that it seems you did what you could do. I feel for you! I will pray for you!


Karen
Praying

Mar 5th 2013 new

Hello Robert,

Steady my friend, steady. First off let me let you know how I think the girl felt before hand: You were normal, cool, catholic, energectic, fun,e tc.. After the date or during: controlling, overwhelming and creepy. Girls like guys to be excited over them, but not push to a committed relationship on the first date - especially if you haven't talked about this. You already know this tho and beat yourself up enough. Here's the thing. You aren't going to get her back, atleast theres about a 98 percent chance shes gone. Getting her back wont solve the problem and it might make things worse. You have to figure out how to be a normal date, be patient and stable. Its hard to do when you are so energetic about your faith in such a sinful world. But you still need to follow the natural and pure way of dating. Your perfect match can't be found out until you stabalize. Girls want a guy happy in their life already and you need to show them that (and become that) especially by not being needy. Now some members may disagree with me about this, but there are some secular sites out there that help guys with this problem. They may have some bad info you need to weed through but things like the askk men site and what not can give good advice now and then.

Simple, the date with her is over and you need to get over her, work on you and move on.

I know it sounds strong but when I was at College I had a similar experience and took me some growing to get where I am so I hope you know its firm and comes from the heart. I figure direct is the best way to say it.

(Quote) Robert-834944 said: I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, ...
(Quote) Robert-834944 said:

I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, prayers, and counsel.

It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. Basically, I met this girl, and everything was going perfect for several weeks, in fact, too perfect. Out everyone I've met in my life, travels, and browsed online, this girl surpassed everyone in a way I didn't think possible before. She was so similar to me (on the inside), it was scary. Not only were we on the same page on faith and politics, but it seemed like we shared the exact same way of thinking. Our values, interests, desires, and humor matched perfectly. For the first time, I've met someone who can understand and identify with every part of my personality (something not even my family or my friends can do, since there's always some part of me I can't relate with them). I think only God could possibly know me better at this point. And while I don't want to fall into superstition, I can't help but notice all sorts of coincidences that happened that really don't seem like coincidences. All that, plus I felt a great sense of holiness come over me, which I have never felt before in the past. This girl could easily be my best friend. Everything seemed like it was too good to be true until I got her note a couple of weeks ago.

Unfortunately, I was selfish, stupid, and full of pride and vanity. I wanted answers in my time instead of God's time, and my glory in front of God's glory. And so at the end of our first "official" date (though we knew eachother fairly well beforehand so it felt more like a 6th date), I kept pressing the idea that she should be my girlfriend and not see anyone else, without considering how she felt, and it scared her because the idea came too fast. In my arrogance, I didn't listen to her conerns. The next day I was told that after much prayer, she decided she didn't want to speak to me again. I could sense a lot of fear and conflict in her, in what she wrote. This is all thanks to my stupidity and impatience. Looking back, I can live without courting her. That's a matter of this world, not the next. But I feel like she has a unique gift, in that she knows the workings of my mind so well, that God can use that to help me in my journey to heaven (and vice-versa). And I'm certain she has something to say which concerns my soul, but she is afraid to tell me. The loss of spiritual growth and the graces God was giving me through our conversations is what I lament the most.

I tried sending a letter of apology, and I said I can accept there not being a romantic relationship, and I'd like to keep in touch for spiritual discussions and prayer support if nothing more. But the USPS has been as reliable as a certain fat man who runs an inn in Bree, and I know it was never delievered (based on the tracking).

And for all that said, I still have a deep and intense desire in my heart to pray for her, and help in any way I can to get her to heaven. I feel that is more important to me than anything right now. As much as I may try to forget about her, or tell myself that I am better off because she won't demand this or that, I realize that all my reasons are silly because the supposed "relief" would put me on a path away from God. While we had some differences, I realized those differences were things that I knew would have improved me and helped me to get to heaven. That doesn't make me feel happy, it just makes me feel worse because I realize more and more what I have lost.

Another problem is that I feel like my standards have been raised ridiculously high because of this. For whatever reason, I came back here to CM and as I browse around, apparently there's nothing (no offense to any nice ladies out there, but some people can be friends only, nothing more). It sounds cliche, but I can't feel the spark. No, it was more than an ordinary spark. It was more like a very deep calling in my heart to trust in God, and I've never felt it before or since meeting this girl. It seems that now that I know what God can offer, there's no going back to the old ways. I've realized that I can't settle for someone that just shares my views on faith and politics and just "tolerates" everything else. I need someone who can identify with all that I am, where I can be totally myself, where I don't have to hide anything. And what's more, I feel like I need that same feeling of God speaking to my heart and pulling me to a person again if I'm ever going to date someone. I can't describe it, or I don't know how to. All I can say is that there's so many people I would have dated before this happened, but now I feel that I just can't consider them anymore. I pray that girl doesn't end up settling for less either. But I suppose God has to have a plan.

I've been slowly reclaiming my life, but it's hard when everything you do, everything that interests you, everything you love, and everything that surrounds you is a reminder of what once was. I guess that's a problem when you find someone so eerily similar to you. It seems like there's no refuge from the memories. It's like trying to run away from yourself. Not to mention, every time I pray and try to talk to God, I am reminded of her and I feel a desire to pray for her safety.

I'm really lost as to what to do. Unfortunately, it seems the only person strong in faith I could turn to in a time like this (besides my confessor whom I have already consulted twice in very long conversations) happens to be the young lady in question. And so that's why I've come here. Has anyone had an experience like this before? I'm trying to trust in God, I know He is testing me, but it's hard. Thoughts?

--hide--

Mar 5th 2013 new
(Quote) Robert-834944 said: I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, prayers, and c...
(Quote) Robert-834944 said:

I've never posted on here before, but I've reached a snag in my life where I need help, prayers, and counsel.

It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. Basically, I met this girl, and everything was going perfect for several weeks, in fact, too perfect. Out everyone I've met in my life, travels, and browsed online, this girl surpassed everyone in a way I didn't think possible before. She was so similar to me (on the inside), it was scary. Not only were we on the same page on faith and politics, but it seemed like we shared the exact same way of thinking. Our values, interests, desires, and humor matched perfectly. For the first time, I've met someone who can understand and identify with every part of my personality (something not even my family or my friends can do, since there's always some part of me I can't relate with them). I think only God could possibly know me better at this point. And while I don't want to fall into superstition, I can't help but notice all sorts of coincidences that happened that really don't seem like coincidences. All that, plus I felt a great sense of holiness come over me, which I have never felt before in the past. This girl could easily be my best friend. Everything seemed like it was too good to be true until I got her note a couple of weeks ago.

Unfortunately, I was selfish, stupid, and full of pride and vanity. I wanted answers in my time instead of God's time, and my glory in front of God's glory. And so at the end of our first "official" date (though we knew eachother fairly well beforehand so it felt more like a 6th date), I kept pressing the idea that she should be my girlfriend and not see anyone else, without considering how she felt, and it scared her because the idea came too fast. In my arrogance, I didn't listen to her conerns. The next day I was told that after much prayer, she decided she didn't want to speak to me again. I could sense a lot of fear and conflict in her, in what she wrote. This is all thanks to my stupidity and impatience. Looking back, I can live without courting her. That's a matter of this world, not the next. But I feel like she has a unique gift, in that she knows the workings of my mind so well, that God can use that to help me in my journey to heaven (and vice-versa). And I'm certain she has something to say which concerns my soul, but she is afraid to tell me. The loss of spiritual growth and the graces God was giving me through our conversations is what I lament the most.

I tried sending a letter of apology, and I said I can accept there not being a romantic relationship, and I'd like to keep in touch for spiritual discussions and prayer support if nothing more. But the USPS has been as reliable as a certain fat man who runs an inn in Bree, and I know it was never delievered (based on the tracking).

And for all that said, I still have a deep and intense desire in my heart to pray for her, and help in any way I can to get her to heaven. I feel that is more important to me than anything right now. As much as I may try to forget about her, or tell myself that I am better off because she won't demand this or that, I realize that all my reasons are silly because the supposed "relief" would put me on a path away from God. While we had some differences, I realized those differences were things that I knew would have improved me and helped me to get to heaven. That doesn't make me feel happy, it just makes me feel worse because I realize more and more what I have lost.

Another problem is that I feel like my standards have been raised ridiculously high because of this. For whatever reason, I came back here to CM and as I browse around, apparently there's nothing (no offense to any nice ladies out there, but some people can be friends only, nothing more). It sounds cliche, but I can't feel the spark. No, it was more than an ordinary spark. It was more like a very deep calling in my heart to trust in God, and I've never felt it before or since meeting this girl. It seems that now that I know what God can offer, there's no going back to the old ways. I've realized that I can't settle for someone that just shares my views on faith and politics and just "tolerates" everything else. I need someone who can identify with all that I am, where I can be totally myself, where I don't have to hide anything. And what's more, I feel like I need that same feeling of God speaking to my heart and pulling me to a person again if I'm ever going to date someone. I can't describe it, or I don't know how to. All I can say is that there's so many people I would have dated before this happened, but now I feel that I just can't consider them anymore. I pray that girl doesn't end up settling for less either. But I suppose God has to have a plan.

I've been slowly reclaiming my life, but it's hard when everything you do, everything that interests you, everything you love, and everything that surrounds you is a reminder of what once was. I guess that's a problem when you find someone so eerily similar to you. It seems like there's no refuge from the memories. It's like trying to run away from yourself. Not to mention, every time I pray and try to talk to God, I am reminded of her and I feel a desire to pray for her safety.

I'm really lost as to what to do. Unfortunately, it seems the only person strong in faith I could turn to in a time like this (besides my confessor whom I have already consulted twice in very long conversations) happens to be the young lady in question. And so that's why I've come here. Has anyone had an experience like this before? I'm trying to trust in God, I know He is testing me, but it's hard. Thoughts?



--hide--


Take a deep breath, trust God, detach in love, learn, grow and re-enter the world of dating. It's okay to grieve over the loss of what could have been. It's unfortunate, but I think you have discovered there are things about yourself you need to heal and grow from. There is a reason you pushed and it goes deeper than immaturity. Walk into it with Dr. Jesus and find the wound that needs healing. This is what life is about, it's ugly sometimes and messy a lot, but in the growing comes the maturity to be in a loving way in the future.

The hardest thing any of us can do is look at ourselves honestly. Many people twice your age wouldn't even consider it. You seem open to it. Talk to your confessor, not about the girl, but about what may have caused you to react so possessively and strongly.

If I had a nickel for every relationship I felt I messed up at the time, only to realize later that I needed to grow, or that the person wasn't good for me, well, I'd be a wealthy woman.

Take heart Robert, this is called "Life."
Mar 6th 2013 new

I feel bad for you, Robert, and I can really empathize with you. To varying degrees we have all experienced moments of regret we wish we could make right, and from pain we can still draw strength. Consider that it may not in God's plan for you two to be together, regardless of what you feel to the contrary. You've stated that you wanted answers in your time, not God's. Go one step further and pray on the matter. Perhaps a rosary, novena, or a Divine Mercy chaplet. Offer up your pain to the Holy Cross, in partial reparation to the suffering Our Lord experienced during His crucifixion. Ask the Blessed Mother or your patron saint to pray with you to seek an answer to your dilemma (this really helps since you are not praying alone, and our Lord says that where two or more are gathered in prayer, He is there with us).

Petition our Lord to guide this matter for you. Ask Him to bless the outcome according to His will and what is best for you and the young lady, even if that precludes you from being together. Then release it to His judgment and leave it alone. Accept that what follows is God's best outcome for the both of you, even if that means that she was not for you, or that you were not for her. It is the greatest feeling of resolution to entirely release a decision so powerful and overwhelming to He who will bless you for trusting Him to handle something so important for you, and surrendering your free will to His.

God bless.

Mar 6th 2013 new

(Quote) David-622846 said: But you still need to follow the natural and pure way of dating. Your perfect match can't be found o...
(Quote) David-622846 said: But you still need to follow the natural and pure way of dating. Your perfect match can't be found out until you stabalize. Girls want a guy happy in their life already and you need to show them that (and become that) especially by not being needy.
--hide--


Very well put, David! I spent a not insignificant amount of time underemployed during the Great Recession and stuck a toe in the dating pool for the first time. I was stressed, unhappy and VERY unstable. I wrecked what must have totaled to a half-dozen GREAT relationships because I was needy, aggressive, tried too hard, etc. I wrecked one last relationship and decided I was done with the dating scene for a year. Eleven months later, my life had stabilized to the point I felt ready to try dating again. I rejoined CM and a month later, I met an amazing young woman with whom I enjoyed a phenomenal 9 month relationship. The perfect match shows up on God's timetable; not man's.

My point with my own story, Robert, is that you cannot give yourself to another until you've made peace with yourself. So, relax! :). There will be another wonderful woman out there; just be patient. Feel free to PM me and we can discuss further :). -Dan

Mar 6th 2013 new

Bro: All i can say to you: First sorry that it happened to ya; And you say it sounds like you two had a lot of things in common! Thats good! However; I would have said to ya slowwwwwwwwww down; (come up for air) But i said it to late; Only thing now is: Give her time & space; Don't send her nothing e-mails, regular mails phone calls etc. give her time to think; and give yourself time to think too; If ya run into her anywhere say hello be nice; (small talk) and thats it; KEEP THE FAITH BRO; (shoot) Your Young Bro; give yourself time; and maybe who know's she might come around; If not then move on; But give each other some time & space; Just to see what happens Your Young Bro! so just take one day at a time I wish ya Luck Mike "peace"!! Ps: there are plenty nice Ladies your age right on this site If ya take a Look & give them a chance (maybe).

Mar 6th 2013 new

Hi Robert,


I'm certain that you had the best of intentions, but in the way that you described the first "official" date (or what felt to you like the 6th date) I can see how your behavior could certainly have raised some red flags and scared her away.


I think that you may need to learn to let a relationship develop more slowly and in a more natural progression, without trying to force an outcome. Go into a date without being invested in the outcome. Simply spend time getting to know the other person without having a particular outcome as your goal.


By forcing the relationship to your desired ends, especially so very early in the relationship (the 1st "official" date), I'm sure that it came across to her as potentially very controlling, aggressive (in a bad way) and creepy. You even wrote that you "didn't listen to her concerns". After your 1st "official" date you "kept pressing the idea that she should be my girlfriend and not see anyone else"? In my mind, this is a very controlling sort of behavior. This sort of behavior just won't lead to a healthy relationship. I am not saying that you are this way, but some guys that are controlling and aggressive become more and more controlling and aggressive as the relationship continues for months or years. As it becomes more extreme, the guy can end up telling the woman where she can go, who she can see, when she should be home, what she should cook, how she should think, how she should drive, etc., etc.... And over time, if she doesn't comply with his wishes, the he can become physically aggressive. Again, I am not saying that you would be that way, but I am rather certain that is why you "could sense a lot of fear and conflict in her" (your words).


From >>> 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.


Learn from this experience and change your behavior for future relationships. You will certainly be more successful.


Just my thoughts.


Ed



Mar 6th 2013 new

Crawl.
Tell her what you've told us: that you noticed something special about her and got carried away. Explain that you're not a weirdo but definitely want to continue to explore friendship with her.
Yeah, maybe you've already done this. But personally, I always think that a guy who gives up after one attempt is not serious.

Mar 6th 2013 new

Choleric Melancholic.. The 'controlling' tendencies of a choleric took over when you tried to control her behavior and now the melancholic thinks his life is over because he has lost this one woman.. eyepopping A lot of people think the temperaments don't mean anything but they really should be taken seriously.. You scared the bejeesus out of her.. Now you need to back up and leave her alone.. If this is the perfect one for you, God may bring her back. But don't live your life like that is a sure thing..

I am going to compliment you on your maturity to recognize your part in what happened.. Some people never accept their responsibilty and they keep trying.. They are called stalkers.. They let an obsession over a person take over..

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