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This room is for general discussion that doesn't specifically fit into one of the other CatholicMatch rooms. Topics should not be overly serious as this is to be more of a "cafe setting."

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Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: I don't have any direct experience with this (having lost my parents before any similar situa...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

I don't have any direct experience with this (having lost my parents before any similar situations could arise), but it seems to me that anyone who avoids drinking water to the point of dehydration in order to avoid using the stairs isn't thinking clearly and needs more help than a stair lifter.

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She was having some difficulty with the stairs. I actually spoke with my brother-in-law today. He said they all had a sit down with his mother and to everyone's surprise, she was receptive this time to moving out of the house and into an apt with everything on one floor. So hopefully, that's a step in the right direction. smile

Mar 18th 2013 new

rosary Praying hug theheart: angelJulie, my sister and I took care of our elderly Mom who lived in the family home and died in it It was her wish. We consider ourselves fortunate to have had a Mom who lived a long life. My Mom use to quote Eleanor Roosevelt who said a parent cannot force a child to take care of them in their old age.
If the parents can think and chose for themselves, let them decide. Often a family doctor can help them make the wise choice. Some elderly people do very well and thrive in assisted living or nursing homes; others give up and die. I know one woman who refused to eat and did die. She missed the things that meant so much to her. Her adult children refused to put her in a nursing home near them --"Cheaper nursing homes where she lived. Too expensive where we live." My comment, who the heck cares? It's Mom's money left by her late husband that's paying for it!" I saw their mother more often than they did. They rarely saw her and rarely called or wrote her or sent her cards. This woman fell and initially had trouble remembering. Her mind was sharp as a tack when she died. A nurse put a Valentine's Day card on her nightstand. I commented, "Oh your daughter sent you a card. How nice!" She quipped, "Oh it's an old card. Look inside. It's dated 2 years ago!"

On a lighter note, or perhaps not so lighter, there is a T-shirt that has written on it "Parents, take good care of your kids for they will decide which nursing home you go to!" Best for all of us to have a discussion with your children way before you hit the "can't live here anymore " talk.

Mar 18th 2013 new

(Quote) Mary-720746 said: theheart: Julie, my sister and I took care of our elderly Mom who lived in the family home and die...
(Quote) Mary-720746 said:

theheart: Julie, my sister and I took care of our elderly Mom who lived in the family home and died in it It was her wish. We consider ourselves fortunate to have had a Mom who lived a long life. My Mom use to quote Eleanor Roosevelt who said a parent cannot force a child to take care of them in their old age.
If the parents can think and chose for themselves, let them decide. Often a family doctor can help them make the wise choice. Some elderly people do very well and thrive in assisted living or nursing homes; others give up and die. I know one woman who refused to eat and did die. She missed the things that meant so much to her. Her adult children refused to put her in a nursing home near them --"Cheaper nursing homes where she lived. Too expensive where we live." My comment, who the heck cares? It's Mom's money left by her late husband that's paying for it!" I saw their mother more often than they did. They rarely saw her and rarely called or wrote her or sent her cards. This woman fell and initially had trouble remembering. Her mind was sharp as a tack when she died. A nurse put a Valentine's Day card on her nightstand. I commented, "Oh your daughter sent you a card. How nice!" She quipped, "Oh it's an old card. Look inside. It's dated 2 years ago!"

On a lighter note, or perhaps not so lighter, there is a T-shirt that has written on it "Parents, take good care of your kids for they will decide which nursing home you go to!" Best for all of us to have a discussion with your children way before you hit the "can't live here anymore " talk.

--hide--


Hi Mary! My mom used to say something similar that my grandmother used to say to her. A mother could take care of five children, but a child couldn't take care of one parent.

One thing I think people of our generation who have children don't realize when it comes to taking care of their own parents is that they are creating their own destiny. Chelle

Mar 19th 2013 new

It is not an easy task, but it is something most of us face in a lifetime. I am an only child so all of the responsibility fell on me. I knew the time was coming when my mother would no longer be able to stay in her own home. I discussed this with her and we put her name on the waiting list for Tapman Village, and the first 2 times her name came up we passed, but by the third time she was ready to move. She lived there for 4 years, but there came a time when she could no longer live there. She had to go to a nursing home, and that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was also a relief because I knew she was getting around the clock care. I had to work so my taking care of her full time was not an option. They do not feel pain with Alzheimer's, but it is hard to watch. They go through many stages, and then the time comes when they do not know who you are. She lived to be almost 85. The last few years she was in her own little world. We do the best we can do with the situation we are dealt. At the age I am now my mother was put on a drug to slow the Alzheimer's, and I do believe it did slow it down. It is kind of ironic I would pick her up sometimes, but she was always in a hurry to get back.

This was all before they had assisted living facilities at least in our area. Tapman Village was a seniors development and they each had their own apartment, but there was a community room, and they all ate their evening meal there or you could take all of your meal there if you so wanted. You had to be able to live independently in order to stay there. A lot of the ladies played Bridge in the afternoons, and they went on outings and such. It would have been easier for me had mom agreed to live in the town where I live, but she didn't want to move out of town, and I respected her wishes. When she went to the nursing home in the beginning she was in the regular part, but after a short time she had to be placed in the Alzheimer's unit.

Mar 19th 2013 new

(Quote) Chelle-924354 said:...people of our generation who have children don't realize when it comes to taking care of their ow...
(Quote) Chelle-924354 said:...people of our generation who have children don't realize when it comes to taking care of their own parents is that they are creating their own destiny.
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That's an intriguing comment. Would you mind explaining it a little?

Mar 19th 2013 new

This is all very interesting. I took care of my aging (and sick) parents for nearly 3 years. I lived very near them...and sometimes would spend the night...but would go home when I felt all was okay....and could at least stay visible in my own household. Besides, I still had responsibilities there too.

They lived in a fairly large home....and I found myself repairing things as well as taking care of them. (endless doctor visits, tests, therapy etc) At first it was an arduous task....but sort of became a "labor of love"
But my parents were really only there for one reason: My Mom. She was not about to leave the home even though my Dad talked often of them moving to a different facility. She would emphatically say "no" and they stayed....or we stayed! She wanted to die in the house she loved. She got her wish.

My Father...on the other hand took a decidedly different tact and put the house on the market not more than 3 months after she passed away. He DID NOT want to live alone. I knew this to be true long ahead of time and found an "assisted living" facility I felt like he would be comfortable in. We moved him in there. His wishes were to die at the hospital. He did.

So....I would say after having experienced this....I don't think I would have done it any different....and actually at peace for the way things played out.


The elderly give up so many freedoms in their last years....I think if it is not UNREASONABLE....they should be allowed to decide some things on there own and when. IMHO~

Mar 19th 2013 new

Oh this can be such a heart breakimg place. I have recieved much consolation from this post. Both my parents are in their 80's and declining. They want to stay in the house, my father very sure he wants to stay in His house with His wife even though she is declining quicker...and he is limited...my brothers and I have nurses visit 3 times a week to help with rehab & bathing for my mom, put in an electric mobile chair for my mom, and now are making the bathroom safer with some changes. We want to make sure they are safe and comfortable, and honor their wishes. I guess we feel they would both benefit in assisted living/nursing home for the social and round the clock care, but that is not their wish. The feedback and general consensus here is that its ok for them stay home, if that is their wish. It gives me peace to know that others have made this decision as we (my brothers and I really struggle with this). We visit, but the stubborness can be challenging. On one hand I understand completly wanting to be in their own home, but I struggle with the idea that they would have better care, and my father would be less stressed- but he is bent on being caretaker even though...so I visit often and pray even more often...thank you for posting this. St Joseph pray for us!


Blessed Be,
Lisa

Mar 19th 2013 new

My Mom would bring up the fact that my Dad "took" her driving privilege away because her judgement was impaired. For awhile I disagreed with him....but gave in. So she would say, " I HAVE to have a "say-so" in some things...especially since I can't drive my car anymore!" (her car was less than a year old and had maybe 4k on it.) So he did "give-in" and assured her they could stay in the house.
Course I got to be her personal chauffeur! One day though....I DID take her out to a remote area where she could get behind the wheel and drive for a bit. As I stopped the car she said, "What are you doing love?" I said, "Gonna let you drive....Mom...let you feel the freedom again...just DO NOT tell Pop!" Her face just "lit up" (was priceless!) and said, "I promise I won't tell!" lol!

Mar 19th 2013 new

Jerry, you know that I'm in the place where you once were with your parents...and I appreciate your persepctive regarding the care of your parents near the end of their lives. rose

Julie, it is an HONOR for me to care for my parents, but like many of the others here, I've gone through a bit of metamorphesis in the process--from "obligation" through "labor of love" to now feeling "called" and "honored". angel

Mom and Dad are in their 90's, and Dad's been in a wheelchair for several years, and nearly didn't make it through last summer's third heart attack. Mom has early Sundowner's, so she gets confused in the evenings; other days, she seems fine, but "slow". They've spent nearly 71 years married, and NEITHER OF THEM wants to move out of their house yet. Both have had several stays at care homes while recovering from accidents or illness.My parents decided to relocate to my town when they retired at 70. I have one sister, who lives out of state, but she and I have worked hard to agree on the care we give our parents, and support our parents as best we can from our respective residences. She phones them daily at 7:30pm to visit briefly, and comes every 6-8 weeks for up to a week to stay at my place, while I take a "breather". It wasn't always this way, though--she only retired a year ago, and so can make that visit now.

I, on the other hand, had a very tough battle hissyfit on my own hands this year--trying to decide if I could convince (pressure) them to move in with me or into a care home---OR take a leave of absence from my teaching position to help bridge the process scratchchin . I took a leave of absence from my job at the holidays, and I've realized THAT FOR ME, I'm happier now being able to give them my complete attention, and it has changed from the "labor of love" to the "honor" process. Praying They are sooo happy and feel sooo secure with me available to them. angel

Yes, I still go up and spend the night sometimes (as Jerry did), and yes, there are the endless doctor appointments and errands and home maintanance jobs, but I am happy and they are happy. biggrin And as for my other obligations??? shhh Well, so I will not have as high an income for my retirement...And I do not have as much monthly disposable income anymore...And yes, I'm still short 18 months from taking my "early retirement benefits", so I just have to be patient and make do in the meanwhile. I "gave it up to God" this winter, and I asked Him for BILLBOARDS to know if I was doing the right thing...AND HE GAVE ME A WHOLE PAINTED SKY SIGN!!! Bow Bow

As Ray said, put their safety needs first, give them dignity and respect, accommodate the home as much as possible, and let them have a valid say in their choice of environment WITH HELP. If that's not possible, then pray and communicate with family to head off the worst scenarios, and find a safe alternative. :hug:

Mar 19th 2013 new

(Quote) Beverly-649723 said: Jerry, you know that I'm in the place where you once were with your parents...and I appreci...
(Quote) Beverly-649723 said:

Jerry, you know that I'm in the place where you once were with your parents...and I appreciate your persepctive regarding the care of your parents near the end of their lives.

Julie, it is an HONOR for me to care for my parents, but like many of the others here, I've gone through a bit of metamorphesis in the process--from "obligation" through "labor of love" to now feeling "called" and "honored".

Mom and Dad are in their 90's, and Dad's been in a wheelchair for several years, and nearly didn't make it through last summer's third heart attack. Mom has early Sundowner's, so she gets confused in the evenings; other days, she seems fine, but "slow". They've spent nearly 71 years married, and NEITHER OF THEM wants to move out of their house yet. Both have had several stays at care homes while recovering from accidents or illness.My parents decided to relocate to my town when they retired at 70. I have one sister, who lives out of state, but she and I have worked hard to agree on the care we give our parents, and support our parents as best we can from our respective residences. She phones them daily at 7:30pm to visit briefly, and comes every 6-8 weeks for up to a week to stay at my place, while I take a "breather". It wasn't always this way, though--she only retired a year ago, and so can make that visit now.

I, on the other hand, had a very tough battle on my own hands this year--trying to decide if I could convince (pressure) them to move in with me or into a care home---OR take a leave of absence from my teaching position to help bridge the process . I took a leave of absence from my job at the holidays, and I've realized THAT FOR ME, I'm happier now being able to give them my complete attention, and it has changed from the "labor of love" to the "honor" process. They are sooo happy and feel sooo secure with me available to them.

Yes, I still go up and spend the night sometimes (as Jerry did), and yes, there are the endless doctor appointments and errands and home maintanance jobs, but I am happy and they are happy. And as for my other obligations??? Well, so I will not have as high an income for my retirement...And I do not have as much monthly disposable income anymore...And yes, I'm still short 18 months from taking my "early retirement benefits", so I just have to be patient and make do in the meanwhile. I "gave it up to God" this winter, and I asked Him for BILLBOARDS to know if I was doing the right thing...AND HE GAVE ME A WHOLE PAINTED SKY SIGN!!!

As Ray said, put their safety needs first, give them dignity and respect, accommodate the home as much as possible, and let them have a valid say in their choice of environment WITH HELP. If that's not possible, then pray and communicate with family to head off the worst scenarios, and find a safe alternative.

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Yeah Beverly it is an experience! I wouldn't trade for it though. I was just talking to my brother the other day about taking care of them (our parents) I said it was something of a "role-reversal" Because when they get older WE become more of the parent and they the children. Though I don't want the emphasis of RESPECT to be lost on this. But I figured "Hey they did it for years for me, why not me for them now?" An example would be...my Dad and I were at a restaurant....and the waiter was somewhat removed....or oblivious to my Father's requests for our meal. I took up for him (my Dad) saying, "HEY, that is my Father....please listen to him!" My Dad thanked me....as I would have him when I was a kid~

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