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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) Sarah-901988 said: I think the word "demanding" rightly has a negative connotation in relationships. In a ...
(Quote) Sarah-901988 said:

I think the word "demanding" rightly has a negative connotation in relationships. In a real sense, we can't "demand" something from another person. They are other than us (separate and out of our control) and that is a good thing (we can't be in a relationship if there is not an "other" person to be in relationship with.)

Relationships are a free gift of self to an other. That can't be "demanded" or forced if it is genuine and freely given. Even "demanding" respect is pointless since we can't "make" the other person do something which requires freedom in the giving. Somehow the demanding negates the freedom.

I liked the distinction made between "demands" and "expectations". Expectations are good especially when they are shared! Expressed needs are also good. It gives the other person the opportunity to respond in freedom and express love. Demands? Not a fan. It implies one person is above/better/stronger/etc. than the other. And it introduces "force" into love . . . which is freely given.

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Sarah,

Thanks for adding your thoughts

I agree that the word, "demanding" has a negative "feel" to it. I meant to ask whether a person who harbors a definite capacity to be demanding in appropriate situations is, other things being equal, thereby less desirable as a serious dating prospect compared to someone with no such capacity.

Although no friendly relationship could be based mainly on the voicing of demands by one or both parties, I think it can happen that one party feels that the other party has been unfair and that the first party demands a correction of the matter if the second party delays too long in setting things right. A lot of relationships may not reach one of these "demanding" points if all the bumps are miniature molehills, but that is not always the case.

I'd like to say something about these words of yours:

Relationships are a free gift of self to an other. That can't be "demanded" or forced if it is genuine and freely given.

Relationships are build not just on freedom, but also on self-revelation, not all at once but over time. If one party feels so aggrieved that he or she cannot show the degree of his or her feelings without assuming a demanding tone, then real self-revelation is cut off at a critical point. I think that is not helpful.

John

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said:... the kind that won't just let things slide in relation to duty shirkers.
(Quote) John-184825 said:... the kind that won't just let things slide in relation to duty shirkers.
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I will not be nagged.

Mar 21st 2013 new

I didn't stick around long enough to hear him ask. tongue

You see, John, I WANT a relationship -- but I don't NEED one, and I don't need a boss or a babysitter or a slave driver.

I WANT a companion and friend.

Friends don't demand.

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said:Yes, the more demanding a man is the more willing he should be to accept the same when he has failed in so...
(Quote) John-184825 said:Yes, the more demanding a man is the more willing he should be to accept the same when he has failed in some duty or responsibility.
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Tell me honestly, has anyone here ever known a demanding person who actually responded favorably when others treated HIM demandingly?

It would be to laugh if it weren't so maddening.

(Sorry, John, but you hit my "hot button" on this topic, having been bullied most of my life by a demanding sibling.)

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: I will not be nagged.
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

I will not be nagged.

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Lucky you never attended Boston University where ruled a Mr. Demanding Par Excellence: www.cbsnews.com thumbsup

Mar 21st 2013 new

What's the difference between demanding & controlling?

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) Carol-737878 said: What's the difference between demanding & controlling?
(Quote) Carol-737878 said:

What's the difference between demanding & controlling?

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Hi Carol,

I doubt that your question is one that many people have ever thought about much. For this reason any answers to it including mine will be just guesses or personal opinions.

Here are some guesses about possible differences.

Demanding is in the person expressing it. It may have no effect at all on the outside. If someone is actually controlling one or more others, then his efforts are having an effect on the outside.

A demanding person may be happy in not closely watching others as long as the final results are acceptable. I think of a controlling person as watching others much more closely even if those others are performing well in producing the final product. The controller watches a lot more detail.

Of course some demanding people are also controlling.

John

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Intelligence is a desirable quality, but it can be used for evil purposes. Strength is a positive ...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Intelligence is a desirable quality, but it can be used for evil purposes. Strength is a positive attribute, but it can also be employed to immoral ends. The same can be said for a lot of physical and psychological traits.

Considering only sought-after qualities in a serious dating partner or spouse, how about the desirability of any level of demandingness? I'd assume that most women would see a high degree of demandingness as a red flag, but would they be attracted to a man whose personality possessed a zero level of demandingness?

Wondering what happens when Mr. Demanding meets Ms. Demeanor,

John

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John, you come up with some of the most intriguing topics. When I first read your post my initial thought was high maintainence... maintenance, ugg I hate that when neither spelling looks or feels right lol. . .I think it's the latter. Anyway, we will abbreviate - HM individuals can be excessively wearing on a person, be it a friend, a co-worker or a mate. And, I have discovered at least two underlying conditions that create the HM personality, one is so low in self esteem that they are worried if one isn't perfect it reflects on them poorly and makes them look bad -- which in reality it rarely does. So this type of HM is born of low self-esteem and probably a deep seated need to be accepted. The other HM type seems to be rooted in just the opposite - a sense of privilege, self-importance and sometimes even selfishness. Both situations make me sad.

Additionally, demanding does seem to carry with it a negative connotation and brings to mind someone who requires something of another that they in turn are not willing to give. Pete used to make a distinction between a men who supervised but wouldn't dream of getting in there and working with you and those who would get in the trench and work with you. The second garnered his respect, while the first usually ended up with a few choice words.

Other than demanding an apology when one is warranted, or demanding an explanation for a situation that is out of character or against societal norms, I can think of no reason that a person demands something from another person. Asking is so much nicer and far more conducive to productivity and morale, no matter what the context. I do think I would probably nip it in the bud pretty quick, unless there was a true need to demand something of me. As for monitoring my behavior at exercising, etc. . .I'm a big girl now and can police myself. If I feel I have need of a little extra help then I will ask for it. ;-). If I need to be admonished then do so in a gentle and loving way.

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Sarah, Thanks for adding your thoughts I agree that the word, "demanding" ...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Sarah,

Thanks for adding your thoughts

I agree that the word, "demanding" has a negative "feel" to it. I meant to ask whether a person who harbors a definite capacity to be demanding in appropriate situations is, other things being equal, thereby less desirable as a serious dating prospect compared to someone with no such capacity.

Although no friendly relationship could be based mainly on the voicing of demands by one or both parties, I think it can happen that one party feels that the other party has been unfair and that the first party demands a correction of the matter if the second party delays too long in setting things right. A lot of relationships may not reach one of these "demanding" points if all the bumps are miniature molehills, but that is not always the case.

I'd like to say something about these words of yours:

Relationships are a free gift of self to an other. That can't be "demanded" or forced if it is genuine and freely given.

Relationships are build not just on freedom, but also on self-revelation, not all at once but over time. If one party feels so aggrieved that he or she cannot show the degree of his or her feelings without assuming a demanding tone, then real self-revelation is cut off at a critical point. I think that is not helpful.

John

--hide--


Hi John, Thanks for your comments. I did just want to clarify that I don't think relationships are built on freedom. I defined them as a "free gift of self" in which the word "free" describes the gift. I'd say the "gift of self" involves a lot of things - gift of time, gift of patience, gift of sacrifice, and the gift of self-revelation to one another. I agree the situation you described ("one party feels so aggrieved that he or she cannot show the degree of his or her feelings without assuming a demanding tone") isn't a good one. My point was simply that the "gift of self" (including self-revelation) must be freely given and freely accepted. I don't think we can "demand" acceptance, respect, love, etc . . . because those things, in order to be that they are, require freedom (both in the giving and receiving). Anyhow, just wanted to clarify that I don't think relationships are built on freedom alone biggrin Thanks!

Mar 21st 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said:Intelligence is a desirable quality, but it can be used for evil purposes.
(Quote) John-184825 said:Intelligence is a desirable quality, but it can be used for evil purposes.
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I want to hear more about this. mischievous

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