My late husband was a retired Lt. Colonel and thereafter continue to serve his country in the DoD. He demanded integrity and one's best service, and gave more than he demanded. I can never remember him raising his voice. I deliberately placed the word demanding in the sentence beginning "He demanded." One could just as easily replace the word demanded with expected. In my view, those are the men who are leaders and my their nature must require a certain level of expectations. That type of "demanding" I have no problem with and would welcome another relationship of equal integrity. However, had he been the Great Santini - hummm, not so much.
That sounds like a balanced view. I hope that the supply of balanced men in your area does not outrun the demand.
Ha! Are you kidding me? I am pretty certain that what few balanced men there are around here have long since been taken. Not that I mind a challenge, but I've already had my fill of 'un-balanced' men. I'm seriously beginning to think that a life of permanent chastity will prove much easier on my heart, soul and energy level than trying to sift through any more men.
[quote]John-184825 said:Intelligence is a desirable quality, but it can be used for evil purposes.
Demandingness? This isn't even a word but for the sake of the intent of this post I will comment. While I am no great resource having never been married, I don't think that being overtly demanding can sustain any relationship, whether in business or personal life. Demanding has at its core the root of selfishness. Love and acceptance are diametrically opposed to this notion. We can only hope to encourage and support those we are in a relationship and lead by love and example. Even Jesus did not demand, but led by example and drew others to Him through forgiveness and not judgment. As for myself, I am such a sinner that I could never demand more from others, but to support them, pray for them and hope that the same for me.
I'd agree that overt demands can't be the mainstay of a relationship, but I think that it might be something good to have in reserve for "emergencies", times when the other party does not respond to something very important to you after many efforts of communication below the vehemence of a demand.
I don't think that being sinners makes it unreasonable for us to make demands in some circumstances.
Tell me honestly, has anyone here ever known a demanding person who actually responded favorably when others treated HIM demandingly?
It would be to laugh if it weren't so maddening.
(Sorry, John, but you hit my "hot button" on this topic, having been bullied most of my life by a demanding sibling.)
I understood you to mean that you probably had some tendencies to making demands in at least some situations, which you did not specify.
John, you come up with some of the most intriguing topics. When I first read your post my initial thought was high maintainence... maintenance, ugg I hate that when neither spelling looks or feels right lol. . .I think it's the latter. Anyway, we will abbreviate - HM individuals can be excessively wearing on a person, be it a friend, a co-worker or a mate. And, I have discovered at least two underlying conditions that create the HM personality, one is so low in self esteem that they are worried if one isn't perfect it reflects on them poorly and makes them look bad -- which in reality it rarely does. So this type of HM is born of low self-esteem and probably a deep seated need to be accepted. The other HM type seems to be rooted in just the opposite - a sense of privilege, self-importance and sometimes even selfishness. Both situations make me sad.
Additionally, demanding does seem to carry with it a negative connotation and brings to mind someone who requires something of another that they in turn are not willing to give. Pete used to make a distinction between a men who supervised but wouldn't dream of getting in there and working with you and those who would get in the trench and work with you. The second garnered his respect, while the first usually ended up with a few choice words.
Other than demanding an apology when one is warranted, or demanding an explanation for a situation that is out of character or against societal norms, I can think of no reason that a person demands something from another person. Asking is so much nicer and far more conducive to productivity and morale, no matter what the context. I do think I would probably nip it in the bud pretty quick, unless there was a true need to demand something of me. As for monitoring my behavior at exercising, etc. . .I'm a big girl now and can police myself. If I feel I have need of a little extra help then I will ask for it. ;-). If I need to be admonished then do so in a gentle and loving way.
I appreciate your including that you found this topic to be intriguing.
A high-maintenance type would be one kind of "demander", one who'd be demanding with a regular if not constant frequency. Your theory about the underlying causes leading to high-maintenance behavior is interesting.
I expected that most people would agree that a willingness to become demanding in certain extreme situations would actually be a good rather than a bad trait to possess even in a dating partner. I wanted to hear whether the replies from people met this expectation.
Regarding your preference for asking rather than demanding, I'd agree that one should not start with demanding except in extraordinary circumstances.
Hi John, Thanks for your comments. I did just want to clarify that I don't think relationships are built on freedom. I defined them as a "free gift of self" in which the word "free" describes the gift. I'd say the "gift of self" involves a lot of things - gift of time, gift of patience, gift of sacrifice, and the gift of self-revelation to one another. I agree the situation you described ("one party feels so aggrieved that he or she cannot show the degree of his or her feelings without assuming a demanding tone") isn't a good one. My point was simply that the "gift of self" (including self-revelation) must be freely given and freely accepted. I don't think we can "demand" acceptance, respect, love, etc . . . because those things, in order to be that they are, require freedom (both in the giving and receiving). Anyhow, just wanted to clarify that I don't think relationships are built on freedom alone Thanks!
Thanks for the details. You seem to imply that had I demanded a clarification, I'd have never received one. Do you save obfuscations for "demanders"? Just wondering.