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What you're suggesting is dishonest, even if it's only a little white lie. Why have someone start doing some soul-searching over their profile, when their profile had nothing to do with your lack of interest?
I don't think the intention was dishonesty. I thought he was saying that in his opinion they are not a match. He finds a way to support that opinion by stating a difference from the profile that he has viewed. I actually think his sincere intention is to not leave someone wondering why they haven't gotten a response at all.
I'm afraid I don't like any of those. Here's what my reaction would be if you sent them to me:
"You are just too far away."
First, I've done an LDR. It's not that tough.
Second, I'm worth it.
Third, you're not even trying.
I don't think we're compatible
YOU don't think we're compatible? YOU? Obviously I must have thought we were somewhat compatible, or I wouldn't have contacted you.
Who are YOU that you get to decide this unilaterally without even giving me the chance to show you who I am?
I am looking for someone interested in X
How do you know that I am not interested in X, too?
We don't put everything in our profiles. There's almost always a lot of important stuff that never gets written down.
Good points Marge, I think we would all be happier if we looked for deal-makers and not deal-breakers....and gave everyone at least a bit of a chance...a few e-mails at least. Easier said than done, I know...
Profiles are just a tiny snapshot of the person, nothing more.
I think people need to, well, to use an uncharitable phrase "suck it up". This is the internet. This is a singles' site. Not everyone is going to like everyone else.
"Thanks for your emote, good luck in your search".
Is a pretty cut and dry way of saying not interested.
I often wonder about the people who get so upset about an essential stranger online fobbing them off.
Yes, we're Catholic. Yes, we shouldn't be blatantly rude. But come on people, being fobbed off by someone online is not the end of the world.
You're right Naomi, it's not the end of the world if someone rejects you.
However.... A polite short message wouldn't take up a whole day. It's curtesy. Nothing less and nothing more.
I think both males and females fall into the trap that since it's the internet (even a Catholic dating site), the anonimity of it allows folks to be "rude" and unresponsive. I saw a news report saying that the internet breeds that type of behavior as it's easier to "duck out" without saying anything so folks just leave you in limbo and don't reply. It'd be helpful if the site had an option that shows "message read" as some of the people on here are rarely on but oh well.......I personally try to use common courtesy as I'd want the same in return!
This may not be a popular answer, but I would offer it as a reality check. We need to check our expectations at the door because that is also courteous. Someone is not obligated by their belief in God and their adherence to Catholic teachings to reply to your emote. It is not in the Catechism. You having a lot of hopes and wishes does not obligate others to make every one of your wishes their command. You are not owed a detailed explanation from a stranger as to why they are not courting and marrying YOU.
The problem is that sometimes people do not get the message even though they have received your reply. What do I mean by this? They have physically received the “Thank you for your message. Good luck in your search.”, but they use that reply as an opportunity to reply again with a long list of how wonderful they are, or to insult you with a long list of how ‘you’re not that great anyway.” It happens.
So sometimes people ignore emotes when they are not interested. I don’t blame them, they may have already received a heap of undeserved abuse from a stranger. Acting charitably is a two-way street.
I think your desire to respond and to ease feelings of rejection in the person whom complimented you by contacting you is admirable and sweet. However, making up reasons to say "no" isnt. Most of us recognize a turn down when we see it, and giving reasons that are not real is a little insulting. I prefer a simple "Thanks for the interest, but I dont feel we are a match". It is honest, polite and cuts to the chase. I have had rejections that were honest and helpful like "take it out of your profile tha you have 14 kids. Thats a real turnoff."
I had not even considered how intimidating that could be to a man, because they are adults for the most part and off living their own lives. But I realized then that could be the reason for other rejections. Did I take it out of the profile? No.
But it did give me some insight. Another man said "redo your profile and change your age. You can get away with it and most men dont want someone as old as you Again, while that should have been obvious to me, I was not focusing on the fact that many men my age want much younger women. I blithely thought that since I preferred people with the same cultural frames of reference, that men would also. His comment gave me valuable insight into how many men think, and it was helpful. No one has ever said, "sorry you are just too fat, old and ugly for me", but when someone says "oh the distance is too great" or "I want someone who golfs" I assume that he really means "too fat old and ugly". My point is, if there is a real reason, such as your family is just too large", that is useful. If its just an obvious phony brushoff, its insulting.
But any reason is better than the impolite no response, which I must admit I am guilty of as well, although I try to give some response most of the time.
I agree with you Marge, the truth is ugly sometimes. However as you read someones profile, and look at their picture you get a gutt feeling if there is a connection. I think it's important to tell the truth, you just need to be kin about it. Maybe ask yourself how would Jesus or Mary say this to this person?
I'm going to go on sidetracked rant. So, apologies if this takes things off-track.
Hollywood-inspired delusions cause more pain than necessary in this difficult search for a spouse. The movies are not real, and an 18-year-old starlet with shiny hair and makeup done by Max Factor dressed in a taffeta gown and jewels is not going to marry someone old enough to be her father or her grandfather, and the chances of meeting the love of your life on a bridge in Paris France on holiday are pretty low. On the other side of the coin, Richard Gere is not going to show up at your house dressed in a tuxedo in a Lambourghini to pick you up for a date - you may have to take the bus to the coffee shop.
Too many people want fantasy dates and are ignoring the much more realistic and bountiful opportunities around them. More people would be happy if we stopped wanting the impossible, and started reaching out for the possible. I'll get off my now.
I have a good way to let people know that I really am not interested, but in such a way that they aren't offended. We are on a Catholic site after all... we should probably avoid hurting people unnecessarily. They did take the time to reach out to you.
So what you do is pick something about their profile that is not compatible with you. Choose something that they really cannot change, BESIDES THEIR LOOKS if that's the reason why.
#1. I'm sorry, but you are just too far away for us to have a chance together. Thanks though, I think your profile sounds great and you'll find the right person on here.
#2. I'm looking to marry someone with the same interest in sports as me, so unfortunately I don't think we're compatible.
#3. Thanks for sending the emote. I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me, but I am looking for someone interested in X, as I am.
You get the idea, mention something in their profile when you turn them down. That way you at least show that you took the time to do what they did for you. You never know who knows who on here, and one good deed might lead to another.
Say nothing. She's going to forget about you about three profiles later (to who she is also clicking smiles) and you'll do the same with whatever you received from her. She clicked a smile to you...big deal? There's plenty of reasons for a person to talk oneself out of being interested in everyone on here. There can be one aspect of a profile that's his/her dealbreaker. The point is: It doesn't matter what you do. The bottom line and message is 'have a nice life.'