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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

May 12th 2013 new

(Quote) Shara-929649 said: I agree Marge. Sometimes a woman can tell a man what she needs sooo many times and yet s...
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:

I agree Marge. Sometimes a woman can tell a man what she needs sooo many times and yet still he often will persist in doing whatever he wants which is a red flag that he is selfish. We all deserve to be loved unselfishly. Men truly need to realize that loving unselfishly is the path to holiness and pleasing God. Love is NEVER selfish.

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My guess is that Marge meant an absence of listening to any kind of communication including the kind where the woman is not specifically voicing her hopes, dreams and wants; e.g., if the woman is talking about a recent trip just for the sake of conversation, she too often fails to sense that "he" is really listening. shhh eyebrow

May 12th 2013 new

(Quote) Rachel-731570 said: So true. My ex NEVER listened to what as important to my heart. It was very painful and the ...
(Quote) Rachel-731570 said:


So true. My ex NEVER listened to what as important to my heart. It was very painful and the source of many arguments.

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If it's not an intrusive question, did he listen to less important things such as your occasionally relating some of the episodes during your average day? scratchchin

May 12th 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: If it's not an intrusive question, did he listen to less important things such as your occasio...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

If it's not an intrusive question, did he listen to less important things such as your occasionally relating some of the episodes during your average day?

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He didn't listen to much at all. I was used to having teachers as parents -- the kind that stand at the front of the room and expect every word they say to be listened to and obeyed -- it was 'normal behavior' to me, I guess, so it was a while before I came to understand how lonely and unfullfilled I was in my marriage. D listened so little that when the 6 children and I were having a discussion at the table and wanted his input or view about a matter, we would have to get his attention and restate anything pertinent from the conversation that we had had (right there in his presence). When we were frustrated that he had not been listening, he would say, "Why should I have to listen to everything you all say? Just tell me if I have to listen to something. I'm busy eating."
He liked to tell me all about his day, once even screaming, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP!" at our first child as he cried with colic while D was trying to have my full attention. I was holding poor baby Alan, in a hold that was to comfort him, low and to the opposite side of me from D so I could hear D while still comforting Alan as much as I could, hearing everything he said -- but D wanted my total undivided attention sp I could ooh and ahh at his brilliance and awesomeness as he demanded. I had to deal with Alan's colic for many hours each day for 5 months by that time -- it would have been nice for D to just deal with it without hatefulness now and again.
D was not a good listener or sympathetic.
I thought, as a Catholic, that my marriage was for better or worse (I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it) and that hopefully it would get better if I just loved him and treated him as I wanted to be treated, with kindness, caring, loving, listening, doing big and little things daily for him.
It didn't.


Fair warning for anyone who thinks that you can change anyone with love or that things will get better once you are married.

May 12th 2013 new

If she senses that he's not really listening...it's because he isn't.

Women aren't stupid. We notice. But we give a man the benefit of the doubt, for a long, long while, until we realize we're wasting our time.

May 12th 2013 new

I am waiting for you to tell me that you are impressed that I remembered that you have two sisters.

May 12th 2013 new

(Quote) Shara-929649 said:.... the key thing is loving someone in the way they need to be loved not the way you want to love them.
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:.... the key thing is loving someone in the way they need to be loved not the way you want to love them.
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THAT SAYS IT ALL.

May 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Lina-796057 said: A former boyfriend would often tell me stories or bits of information that he had told me before, ...
(Quote) Lina-796057 said:

A former boyfriend would often tell me stories or bits of information that he had told me before, and tell me in a way that showed me he had no idea that he was repeating himself. I came to realize that he shared these things with many others, that it was of no significance that he was telling me the story--I was just an audience, an anonymous audience. This attitude is hurtful.

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Hi Lina,

Thanks for relating your experience. During most of my life I felt, perhaps only unconsciously, that other people would not find the occurrences of my everyday life to be even slightly interesting and so I lacked that large store of conversational topics that are the meat and potatoes of most people's verbal interactions. I did not realize that what was important was whether I did or didn't, to some degree, transmit who I was so that others could, again to some extend, hear, see or experience the very self and person of the speaker. I tried to have interesting news items or stories, but that was empty because in human communication the most important item of social communication is the self, the person. The question is whether, besides grasping his explanation and feeling his emotions, you also sense in some way the underlying person.

My guess would be that your former boyfriend could not communicate himself and that, even if he never repeated any of his stories, his verbal contacts would not reach you in a satisfying way.

Hoping that women remember that, if men's sentences are too long, they should commute them, cool mischievous

John

When I was young, my father used to repeast the same seveal stories, instances in his life, over and over again. I think that the quantity of things that came to his mind as items he liked to talk about was small.

May 13th 2013 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: If a woman mentions something about herself that is obvioulsly of great importance, such as being ...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

If a woman mentions something about herself that is obvioulsly of great importance, such as being very allergic to certain foods, it's not hard to realize that she wants a man to remember that. Also it's not difficult to figure out why she wants him to remember.

What has surprised me is how happy, even close to thrilled, some women have been when, without any intention on my part to impress in any way, I have merely remembered and voiced some minor point they made in a past conversation.



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Umm...wouldn't a man want a woman to remember stuff like food allergies too?

I have said before and it needs to be said again, both sexes should not be grouped together like this - individuals of both sexes want different things; however, as a group, almost all of humanity would like to be treated with kindness and courtesy.

May 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-384374 said: Umm...wouldn't a man want a woman to remember stuff like food allergies...
(Quote) Elizabeth-384374 said:

Umm...wouldn't a man want a woman to remember stuff like food allergies too?

I have said before and it needs to be said again, both sexes should not be grouped together like this - individuals of both sexes want different things; however, as a group, almost all of humanity would like to be treated with kindness and courtesy.

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Yes, of course Elizabeth. I acctually make notes in my iphone of important things like this regarding the person I'm dating, so I never forget food allergies, likes, dislikes, birthdays and anniversaries etc.... Great post by the way Elizabeth!

May 13th 2013 new

Paraphrasing CS Lewis: "A woman means by unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others, while a man means not giving trouble to others. Therefore, both sexes, without conscious hypocrisy, can and do regard each other as radically selfish."


Continuing with this thought, a woman likes it when someone pays attention while a man likes it when someone doesn't demand attention. There's no right or wrong here, just the need for understanding and love to bridge the gap.

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