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Saint Valentine is patron saint of love, young people, and happy marriages.
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Aug 19th 2013 new
There is no reason to become hostile towards anyone here stating their opinion. This isn't an attack on you, but what we believe to be true as Catholics.

Truth is essential in a relationship. Lying hurts the person who is lied to but also the person who is lying. It is an offense to God, Who is the Creator, so it hurts the soul. If one has to hide close friendships then there is a problem. It is a lack of sincerity and a form of lying because it seeks to pretend that the friendship does not exist.

I was engaged to such a man, and by him, I was described as "Poly Anna" --- for being so very trusting. He had female friends and told lies about each situation. By the time it came out, it came out in a painful way on accident, and many people were hurt --- families were hurt by it as one developed into an obsession and the other into a brief affair. And please, also, do not insult me by inferring that anyone who has such an experience probably didn't know how to be a best friend. He had asked me to marry him, remember, I had the ring, we were planning precana, wedding, etc.. He explained he simply had a problem with being alone during the day, and constantly had to have someone to go out with for meals, since we were not in the same town, and sometimes traveled with work, he obliged himself. As for emotional intimacy: he told me he loved me every night, and we usually spoke every night. A few days after I had learned of his indiscretion in a very public way (an accident on Facebook), he had "moved on" to one of his friends, which then dissolved soon after. This pattern mimicked something earlier in our relationship which he refers to as his "evil self". He had later explained that I should not have asked why he lied to me, and it was my nature to "ask questions" to know the truth about things, not in a way where I ever picked on him --- he never said this --- but that even when it was apparent he had lied to the point that he admitted so, he did not intend for me to ask him to know the truth as he believed he had a right to lie in order to hide his private friends. He believed he was entitled to have private friends when he was married, as well, and wished for this type of open relationship when he is married. The reason for his betrayal? He blamed it on the fact that I was chaste, although, I was always open about it, and was clear from before we even started courting that this was what I believed was right before marriage and only would consider a man who was the same. He claimed he wanted the same, but changed his mind apparently, several times. My behavior was always modest, but I cannot claim the same of his 'friends' (with whom we shared mutual friends). Honesty is not a priority for those who lack a holy fear of God.

Good luck with that sort of man. It is a definite evil for one to tell another that they love that person while at lying to them.

Aug 19th 2013 new
I wish to add something:

There are such men who are honest, and who do not hide their close friends from even the woman they are courting, much less their fiance or spouse. They definitely exist. That having been said, there is never an excuse for infidelity. There is never an excuse to lie except out of pride and other vices in addition to pride. It is an evil.

Many men are out there who have integrity, and not for the sake of public image, but true integrity, a private, grace-imbued strength that they will stand by if no one knows or even if they are the ones who are taken for granted. They are true because they love truth even for its own sake, and often this is inspired out of true love of Jesus Christ, Truth Incarnate. Just as there are those who will lie even when the truth will have little to even no consequence, they are so accustomed to lying they can barely help themselves, they are those men (and women, for that matter) who will tell the truth even when it is painful for them, and privately behave in an integral manner and make private sacrifices because telling the truth is something that is habit for them and part of their character --- as it should be for each one of us. A Catholic ought to love truth, all the time, for its own sake, because it regards God and His omnipotence.

While there are men who are tough on the outside, but in the inside cannot bare to take risks to do the arduous task privately when it comes to truth in relationships, there are men who whether tough or not on the outside, have a true grit that makes them truly manly. They honor their commitments by treating others how they would wish to be treated. They recognize they are not children, and do not have an overblown sense of entitlement, that God would permit them to deceive their spouses or entire families just to have a secret "friendship".

Emotional intimacy IS NOT meant to be shared with people of the opposite sex outside of one's commitment. Again, this notion that this is now what is the norm in society and therefore, we as Catholics ought to get with the times is completely wrong and comes from a prevailing utilitarian philosophy. When truth (including openness) becomes something that is optional in a relationship, people becoming self-serving. Then harmony becomes dependent upon 'might' and not 'right' --- in which case, you might as well marry a Muslim because this is their philosophy at the core of their religion. Christians believe the opposite. Just look at the symbol of our Catholic faith: Jesus, God the Son, crucified on the Cross to suffer for those whom he loved --- even as a criminal. Liars abhor to appear weak, or even to appear wrong when they have been lying, so they lie to cover their lies. They do not want the cross in a relationship --- they want everything horizontal pointing to their needs, and because they neatly compartmentalize God and His rights, they cannot remain true to their partner's needs and rights (having tossed away the graces to be strong, due to their acquiescing to sin).

I feel the need to repeat this here, because our modern entertainment and media tends to make things such as extreme vanity and fornication rights as if man cannot help but sin --- denying God's graces have the ability to transform a person. Thanks be to God, we are not Protestants, but we are CATHOLICS who have access to the Sacraments, and the Blessed Virgin Mother, so we can be transformed by even supernatural grace so we can be fully obedient to God --- and even truthful all the time.

There is never any excuse to lie or hide something pretty significant in a relationship. Even if you are married to a jealous person, God forbid, no man may do evil that good may come of it. But still, habitual liars take more than they give, and will lie to anyone at any time it suits them --- regardless of how trusting the person is to whom they tell the lies. Utilitarianism is both a philosophy and it can even become a sort of religion, where one fuses their faith with this belief. It is also condemned by Holy Mother Church. Once again, I point you to the book, "Love and Responsibility" and Ed Sri's book that explains it (I can't recall the name).

On a side note:
Here is an article by Ed Sri which explains the chastity part is not merely waiting for intimacy until one is married, but actually a way of expressing love and dedication to God and to the person for whom they will someday be united to:

"The essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation, and in raising to the personal level all reactions to the value of the body and sex." (p. 171 of "Love and Responsibility")

Also, telling the truth always is a confirmation of respect of other persons as not merely utilities to serve some purpose in one's own life, but truth respects the totality of a person --- who is a creature not merely with a body, heart and mind/emotions, but also with a soul. The human person is made by God in the image and likeness of Himself, having the ability of free will in order to willing chose the good. Further more, the person who strives to live in God's grace through the virtues has objectively a higher state by grace of the Sacraments --- the same grace the Jesus Christ suffered and died for that we may please him in this life and be able to enter heaven. To act like all persons are equal in grace or that virtue is not a manner for one to regard, is a subtle blasphemy.

Nov 22nd 2013 new
I think you are right on with your two last posts. There should never be private friends....there is also more then one way to cheat.

My my first husband married one of his female friends after he divorced me.

It it is inexcusable that someone feels that being chaste is an excuse to cheat. That's horrible.
Nov 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Jillian-1014035 said: I think you are right on with your two last posts. There should never be private friends....there is also more then one way to cheat.

My my first husband married one of his female friends after he divorced me.

It it is inexcusable that someone feels that being chaste is an excuse to cheat. That's horrible.
I was replying and referring to Lynda's comments
Nov 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Leyden-904885 said: Dear Lynea,
There must be something in the air. I've had this conversation with at least two people this week. I think that the oft-stated, "your spouse should be your best friend" covers a lot of ground.
To this I will add that I firmly believe that as women we can affirm our spouse's manhood...but only other men confer it. Catholic men need good holy relationships with other Catholic men. They need to be able to take conversations to them and engage them in the way that only men can engage. There is also no reason that your wives should not be aware of these relationships.
A wife should be her spouse's resource for advise, for affirmation, for reflection and sometimes to hold a mirror up and check for "areas of improvement." This is the entire point of a relationship committed to each other's growth in holiness and sanctity.
"Private friends" of the nature described here seem, of course, unhealthy.
This is too anecdotal to make a satisfactory corollary so take it with a grain of salt, but some of the strongest marriages I have observed in my parish also seem to share common emails, example: johnandmarshatgmaildotcom or themillersatyahoodotcom (not real email addresses of parishioners in my area, in case you are the type who was tempted to call Jenny at 867-5309). I merely direct our attention to the transparency implicit in such relationships.
Therein the key: transparency. The soul that is clear as a peaceful lake can better reflect the glory of God. Such a soul is concerned with persevering in the narrow path and preserving the dignity of their spouse in marriage.
In addition, I say that in order to build that trust on which all this hinges....we must try to be transparent early on. I am not suggesting sharing every aspect of our lives with every stranger we message...but definitely as the relationship progresses. Trust is build on disclosure.

Lastly, and tangentially related, we must strive to be the sort of soul in which our spouse can confide. Do they find an understanding, charitable and loving ear? Gently speaking his/her truth and allowing the other room to find their own? I don't imagine it is easy to find room in a heart already brimming with suspicion.
In Christ,Leyden
Amen! It seems between you and Lynda's comments there is nothing more to say about this topic....except perhaps WWJD....what would Jesus do? If someone doesn't know the answer to that....then well
Nov 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Jillian-1014035 said: Amen! It seems between you and Lynda's comments there is nothing more to say about this topic....except perhaps WWJD....what would Jesus do? If someone doesn't know the answer to that....then well
The problem with asking "WWJD?" is that most people will rationalize their way to an answer that supports their own opinion.

Nov 23rd 2013 new
(quote) Jerry-74383 said: The problem with asking "WWJD?" is that most people will rationalize their way to an answer that supports their own opinion.

This is true...even devout Catholics must be on guard for that...but for one with heart...a heart turned toward a good way of if everyone at least approached things with that mindset ( and hearts open to God)...we would have a world perhaps ready to be set on Fire.

Good catechesis of the young and the culture helps too....
Mar 22nd 2014 new
Secret friends spell disaster! I would be offended if my husband to be had such friends. What is the point to the secrecy? Does one or the other secretly like the other? I don't get it. I say NO, not good!
Mar 29th 2014 new
This is a very slippery slope. Sharing intimate details may lead to sex, betrayal, adultery, and the destruction of marriage. It is as simple as that. In fact, just the act of sharing those details may be construed as a form of sexual relationship (non-physical of course, but already present).
Mar 30th 2014 new
No, 'friends' of opposite sex while engaged/married in this culture is bad idea and considered non-kosher ! Secrets are not healthy human bond of a man & woman. The U.S. society is approaching critical mass and a loss of our nation is at the tipping edge due to 'political correctness' and when everything becomes justifiable all order is eventually lost !

The forgotten 'Book of Sirach' should be read by all for every type of advice especially for selecting a good spouse and all behaviors and all warnings. Read it ! Martin Luther wanted to get rid of the 'Book of James' which is about the human tongue and a few critical topics. Look what happened to Germany and their justifications. Did they fair well starting two wars?

One of the reasons we are on CM is that #1 We are single and don't fit in with couples only mixed society where divorce is rampant and morals are low making everyone suspect #2 an anti-Catholic sentiment is now a trend, so stand proudly ! #3 You are wise to listen to EWTN, Vatican and Pope Francis instead of Oprah,Network News and nearly 100% of politicians #4 A state such as Montana would be desirable for a man and woman who are self-sufficient and could create 'Little House on the Prairie' model. I have lived there and there are no jobs, because families are self-sufficient, don't have to lock their doors at night and no taxes.#5 _______(fill in the blank) I'm sleepy

One last suggestion: Look up all countries statistically and find lowest divorce rate, suicide rate, longest lives, lowest crime, (don't use United Nations or Wikipedia) and tell me what Catholic Countries are available :-)
I am a researcher in engineering and look at optimum conditions where all laws of physics/chemistry/rational thought is used; these are just the beginning of thoughts at the top of my mind after fasting for Lent and knowing there is only one logical choice between Good & Evil and if you read only the 'red letter rubrics' in the good Bibles, read the simple instructions that are repeated over & over by Jesus Christ-'They have eyes & ears and don't/won't will not/refuse to see & hear the TRUTH; The Kingdom of Heaven is near;and simple clear instructions and warnings spoken over & over again to different groups, both good, bad & confused(straddling the Fence). Luke writes that Christ performed too many miracles in his 3 years and I am only writing a few and the other question:"Why are they Protestant?" "Protest What?" "The Truth?"Peter stated in his short writings,"Beware of False Prophets! Scientology-L.Ron Hubard; Jehovah's Witnesses-Russell; Christian Science- Mary Baker Eddy; Friendly Religion of LOVE-MuhamMAD; Mormon-J.Smith, etc. The Last Warning,"Beware of the Religion of the Ancient Egyptians & the Teachings of Dathan & Korah(they are in Exodus if any of you want to look)with Temple Prostitutes who sacrifice their babies to Mollach(abortion), answers-astrology; bestiality/perversion= rites for the elect; Pornography? Murder in every permutation void of Love= now from Hollywood

I don't know how many will actually read this and take it to heart,but it is the basic overview that comes to mind very late at night during Lent. Why are we sacrificing for 40 Days? What suffering in 33 A.D. (not C.E.)

Lynea, does this start the discussion that will make CM work?

God Bless All of You !

P.S.I know that at least one of you acknowledge this, these are the basics from general research that didn't take years of education, just a single Roman Catholc Bible using the footnotes, maps, Chronology of World and especially the Rubrics (red lettered words solely of Christ) has other writings in the Catholic Encyclopedia and also has every other religion

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