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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Jun 22nd 2013 new
In your age bracket "sadly too often in mine as well", they lack interior strength and defined direction and self confidence. Women are afraid of so very much that guys just aren't remotely. This puts them on a keep a certain distance mentality from the get go, super easy to just not respond to a PM or otherwise. Do not take it personally at all, and this is also something as a guy, you should be relating towards being the confident, strong one, and have a sense of purpose and direction along it all. It's not enough to simply be friends, and it's nothing wrong at all with your thinking, mom and dad were friends so you naturally are going to think it starts out that way, but typically it does not. With the gals my age, I use it as a filter, they should be over the song and dance mentality, and begin as friends, else I'm now entertaining a 22 year old...

Your goal is simple "and good advice given on cutting to the chase and asking her out on a date", . Be confident, have something behind you, a game plan for your being, career or otherwise, and engage. Yes, you gotta be positive, but being a motivational speaker get's tiring to be around, be yourself and be honest and genuine. If the gals don't respond to that, they aren't right for you in the first place. They will end up falling for some slick talker that will lie to them, manipulate the whole situation, and basically the whole thing in all cases is their agenda entirely to get them in bed. I could easily play that latter part with finesse, I never chose to, and it's just pitiful that so many gals fall for what is technically called social engineering., ie. getting a person to reveal information or do things they wouldn't normally do.

You are at a very good age, and being strong in the faith especially at it, you are a true leader, a smart one as well since you have no problems asking for answers to your questions. You have a tough battle ahead of you, your generation has been given a raw deal along the faith and it's due to the world that has creeped into our moral fabric of our current society, just remain firm in your resolve to not be part of the world and God will send you the perfect wife to help you along your way. Right now, it's just time for you to prepare, and don't feel like you have to be this big pick up artist and have a major set of skills to actively pick up women, you only need one good one, not a selection.
Jun 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Bradley-266389 said: I have had many similar experiences.

It seems to me that, in Catholic circles, the whole affair of dating carries a seriousness. We, as Catholics, understand just how high-stakes putting yourself "out there" emotionally is. The vulnerability that romance entails is not to be taken lightly.

That being said, it seem to me that women look to us men to "anesthetize" away the sting of this seriousness. One can ask out a woman in a manner which is lighthearted, joking, or possibly in a subtle, James-Bond-ninja-esque way. For instance, instead of furiously working up the courage to say "Would you like to go out with me for coffee?", which seems to get a woman's mind racing and, in turn, she defaults to refusal in response to this mind-racing-ness, you can instead say "We should go out and get coffee sometime--do you like the kind of coffee they have at <Joe's Coffee House>?" Note some things (1) you phrased the asking-out question in such a manner that you are "unselfishly" asking about a person's personal preference (e.g., instead of putting the focus on the decision as to whether you're going out with her, you're asking about some subjective prefernce of hers--perhaps not much unlike a nurse distracting you [characteristic of good bedside manner] if they need to administer a needle), (2) you are showing that you already have a plan (e.g., what about Joe's Coffee House, instead of entirely putting the ball in her court--which at first sounds like it is discourteous, but women seem to like it when men have a plan), (3) you appear confident because the "unspoken message" is "Of course you'll come on out with me, (3a) we're not serious (3b) we're going to have a good time--who can say "no" to a good time? (3c) you are sure of yourself, etc.

Hope this helps, sir.
Spot on! From top to bottom. clap
Jun 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Andy-896770 said: Thank you all, these are some good suggestions. From what you all have said I think these have been my "wrong moves" so to speak:

1) Thinking that I have to know a girl as a friend for at least 6 months before asking her out as not be "too forward"
2) Asking out girls called to maybe called to religious life (reasoning: if she isn't pious enough, she is not attractive)
3 Investing a high level of emotional energy in a girl for a long period of time (try 5 years) before asking her out (result: devastating heartbreak due to friend-zoning)
4) Initially asking her out in a way that could be taken as "hey let's hang out" when I meant "hey let's go on a date"
During the course of you cultivating getting to know a lady to not be seen as too forward/ allowing her to get comfortable, she is most probably guessing that you aren't interested in something else. "If he was attracted to me romantically, he would have asked me out. So I had been adjust to that; hear that, woman? Think friend."

If you don't go for the brass ring, she's going to assume you aren't interested. Interested men act.

I think it was Bradley who mentioned the seriousness with which many of us Catholics approach dating. This serious means that we don't play at it. Our goal is not to date a lot (we do not want to have a trail of tears and broken hearts behind us.).Timing becomes important. Maybe you or the women you are encountering are not ready for a little bit of dating to end in Marriage. (I was certainly that way at 22. A lot of you get men and women need more time to become grounded for marriage--society has impacted our ability to be ready for the adult roles in family life. You and your lady just may need more time to grow as individuals before you grow together as husband and wife.
Jun 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Marge-938695 said: I have to wonder...are you perhaps expressing interest in women who are all wrong for you?

Get a sheet of paper and list the girls who have done this. Make a table or matrix of their religion, upbringing, college major, profession/occupation, ethnicity, financial level, whatever you can think of. It may be that you are consistently picking girls from a group with which you have nothing in common.

I've seen this happen before. One fellow asked me why the CM girls didn't respond to him -- turned out they were all blondes with lots of mascara and none shared his interests or ambitions. He was choosing to contact them based solely on their looks. Another guy kept having disastrous relationships -- he consistently chose to date never-married women with two children by different fathers...a complicated situation that he really wasn't able to handle.

The common element in our failures sometimes is US -- BUT sometimes it's the things that attract us.
Lot's of wisdom in this post. Marge usually (95+% of the time) knows what she's talking about.
Jun 22nd 2013 new
Jun 22nd 2013 new
Assertive, confident, just do it in a positive manner. Adopt that mindset and you are good with the ladies.

Jun 22nd 2013 new
(quote) Bradley-266389 said:
One, of course, doesn't just "date anyone," just for the sake of dating. But the opposite extreme--waiting for "the perfect One"--seems just as dangerous....
Bradley's got a good point here. She's unlikely to float down from heaven on a cloud with a glowing nimbus. Believe me, I'd be thrilled if God pointed and said, "That's him. Go get 'em." This process is less precise and far more annoying.

6 months is too long! If you think she's cute and nice and she's local, ask her out within a month. It's not a marriage proposal, it's a date. Go play putt put, burn some quarters at the arcade, go thrift shopping and make fun of all the weird stuff for sale, ANYTHING. Either lightning strikes or it doesn't, but with any luck you will have both had some fun and gotten out of the house. If it doesn't, just continue the acquaintance.

Happy Gone Fishing!, amigo!
Jun 22nd 2013 new
Perhaps this is a sign your vocation is not to marriage.

Jun 22nd 2013 new
I have a question: how do you find out a woman's religious and political beliefs before you ask her out? It may be that you only talk about those subjects, which may make you come across as too focused and intense , and if you ask a lot of questions, you may seem nosy . Is there a way to get into a group that goes hiking, biking, visiting museums together so that you can just relax and talk about some fun stuff???

Jun 22nd 2013 new
Just some random thoughts:

Six months may be too long to be hanging out as "just friends". Some people I have met have alienated themselves from me with their behavior in under six minutes. If you get along, genuinely like each other as people and enjoy each other's company, then further discernment of the relationship potential can happen during the dating phase. Take dancing lessons together, go to concerts together, but have this one-on-one interaction a lot sooner. This may result in having to breakup with a lady if during dating you discover that you are not right for each other, or it may result in being broken-up with, but that comes with the territory.

At a younger age, both guys and gals can have immature judgment. It's all about looks, style, and heart-racing excitement or whatever. Some never grow out of this relationship immaturity, just be forewarned. However, with a few years and some experience, you start to develop some perspective and realize that perhaps those you were pining over or pursuing were totally wrong for you. Do not beat yourself up at your age because you are unmarried. It may take a while to find the right young lady.

Finally, take some time to grow, learn new hobbies, have some new life experiences through travel, learn a new language, but whatever you do, do not try to be something you are not. It is not a problem that you are a nice guy. The problem is that you have not found the right lady for you yet.
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