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This room is for general discussion that doesn't specifically fit into one of the other CatholicMatch rooms. Topics should not be overly serious as this is to be more of a "cafe setting."

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Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) Angela-374523 said: John, may God continue to bless you in all that you do. Sometimes a change of scenery (either permanent or temporary) gives us new perspectives.

I'm not saying this has been the case for you, but it's just a couple of observations from what you have posted that may make the path a bit smoother for others.

In the olden days, people got married after a few dances and right before "he" went off to war. "She" waited to see him until the war was over, worried sick if "he" might not come back. If "he" returned, they found a way to make the marriage work. Not every marriage was perfect, but people just tried their best to make things work. In this day and age, we seem to want to inspect the living daylights out of a potential relationship before we even have a coffee date, and then spend agonizing amounts of time thinking the thing to death about why it can't possibly work. For example, seven years is too long to hold on discerning a relationship.

Related to that is the point of someone wanting to see if there is someone better than you. Time to say adios. Never make someone a priority if they only see you as an option.

Another point is the search for the perfect match. There is no such thing. Humans are not perfect, we are unique. There was a lighthearted post on another thread about not being able to find any widows from a particular geographic area that went to a particular school and attend only Eastern liturgy.

Just as we are unique, the person who may be the best Catholic spouse for us may not be a carbon copy of who we are. They may have a different take on the role of fasting and prayer, or they may have wandered away from the Catholic fields for a while only to return, or they may attend a Novus Ordo mass. They may never have gone to the Vatican or a World Youth Day or seen the Pope in person, but they attend mass regularly and prayer is a part of their life. In the overall grand scheme of things, a practicing Catholic who doesn't practice exactly exactly exactly the way that you do could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I tried to be brief in my personal story explanation as those seven years alone could be a book or more appropriately a soap opera, lol. I knew 8-12 months in that this was the woman I wanted to marry. However, she was "not ready" her words at that time and wanted to wait till she finished college, so... I waited. Then after graduating (5yrs later) she still was, "not ready" as this time it was financial independence she wanted to attain before committing or settling down. After just over a year of that (she to my knowledge still is not financially independant) I finally bit the bullet and ended it as that was just some of the problems between us, and I was not going to wait forever even if my emotions and love for her wanted to (reason trumped them finally).

I know there is no perfect match, however having dated someone with a very different outlook on the faith than myself I have come to highly value those who share the deposit of faith in its fullness. By this I mean the things that have sort of been passed over in the last 60-80 years. Things like, no salvation outside the Church, period, no arguing it, it is anathema and if you want to believe otherwise than you can disagree with the Church, but not me. She did not think that was true, and I won't have my children raised by two Catholics who don't even agree to the same dogma, even if they are 7/7. Why? Because my #1 priority and the thing I will be held accountable to a high degree when I die is how or what I did to instruct the souls God entrusted to me (children) in the faith. There should not be conflict in this or mixed messages to the children. This is not a choice about me, it is doing what is best for their souls, that is why I have high standards. Not because I can't handle conflict, or disagreement, but because of what that could or would do to potential children. Another thing was the form of the mass, she wanted to go to life teen masses (which I highly dislike and find it very hard to meditate on the mass and lift up my soul in, but went to anyway to support her in how she practiced the faith) and I prefer the extraordinary form. When it came to what we would do with kids she wanted to split the difference and let them go to both. This sort of goes into or can go into a huge debate between the two "sides", so I'm stopping here and pray that it will be resolved sometime during my life.

Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) John-324285 said:

I tried to be brief in my personal story explanation as those seven years alone could be a book or more appropriately a soap opera, lol. I knew 8-12 months in that this was the woman I wanted to marry. However, she was "not ready" her words at that time and wanted to wait till she finished college, so... I waited. Then after graduating (5yrs later) she still was, "not ready" as this time it was financial independence she wanted to attain before committing or settling down. After just over a year of that (she to my knowledge still is not financially independant) I finally bit the bullet and ended it as that was just some of the problems between us, and I was not going to wait forever even if my emotions and love for her wanted to (reason trumped them finally).

I know there is no perfect match, however having dated someone with a very different outlook on the faith than myself I have come to highly value those who share the deposit of faith in its fullness. By this I mean the things that have sort of been passed over in the last 60-80 years. Things like, no salvation outside the Church, period, no arguing it, it is anathema and if you want to believe otherwise than you can disagree with the Church, but not me. She did not think that was true, and I won't have my children raised by two Catholics who don't even agree to the same dogma, even if they are 7/7. Why? Because my #1 priority and the thing I will be held accountable to a high degree when I die is how or what I did to instruct the souls God entrusted to me (children) in the faith. There should not be conflict in this or mixed messages to the children. This is not a choice about me, it is doing what is best for their souls, that is why I have high standards. Not because I can't handle conflict, or disagreement, but because of what that could or would do to potential children. Another thing was the form of the mass, she wanted to go to life teen masses (which I highly dislike and find it very hard to meditate on the mass and lift up my soul in, but went to anyway to support her in how she practiced the faith) and I prefer the extraordinary form. When it came to what we would do with kids she wanted to split the difference and let them go to both. This sort of goes into or can go into a huge debate between the two "sides", so I'm stopping here and pray that it will be resolved sometime during my life.

Brian,

let me congratulate you, from man to man. I think you were fair enough with that woman. You waited lond enough. You were very patient with her. It is not your fault. Know that this is a general think. People nowadays are obsessed with security, on all terms, and the world is changing and becoming more insecure, despite all the efforts on the contrary. Pray to find someone who's more into relationship building, someone who would like to build that with you, Things rarely or never are 100% in order. If one waits until that happens, then one would well wait forever.

I'm sorry that you have to leave. I'm sure there are women here who would like to be for you and follow you on your quest. As a guy I would even like to be your friend. You seem like a great guy and a very uncompromising in a good way. I would only want to persuade you to stay. You are a good influence here, and I think we could learn much more from you if you let us. More people like you are needed even within this Church, who so pleases in being influenced by pop culture. You deserve a great woman, Brian I hope and pray that you find her soon! :0)

Carlos
Jul 11th 2013 new
I meant John instead of Brian. Sorry, today I rose with the wrong foot haha
Jul 11th 2013 new
John, I've enjoyed getting to know you (superficially, as you pointed out) in the chat room. I am in the same boat; in fact, my automatic renewal just kicked in and I'm having second thoughts already. It's said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of crazy. I feel that's what I'm doing by staying and expecting a different result. I'm a Catholic school teacher who attended a private college, so needless to say, I don't have extra money to spend on unnecessary things. I pray that God will provide a way for me to stay a member if I'm supposed to be here. Like you, I don't think that there is ONE man out there for me, but there is only one that I will feel comfortable dedicating my efforts to get to know/love.

I wish you luck and may His will be done.

Katy
Jul 11th 2013 new

Wow. Thanks to John for the response. Messages to non-members is possible? I thought getting messages from other continents was a waste I know that CM is a small pond to fish in, but golly why are we being set up to message non-members? Terrible communication. If John's observation is true, perhaps limiting communication to non-members should be an emote 'would like to talk to you if you were a member', they can check out the guy's profile and decide.

...some might opine that some of John's post is whining. Just sayin'

Hear hear on building a non-IT community. John could join the Knights of Columbus(KoC) for example and meet people through that community. I always found connections built stronger relationships than online, work or bar situations. KoC, (men-only but men who do know some women) might be useful.

I sympathize with the challenge of a significant other making religious demands. Christianity is a discipline that is based on freedom. There are various levels of observation. I've never experienced a 'my way or the highway' in a Christian context, but have in others (i.e. environmentalists act in quasi-religious manners, yet still get on polluting airplanes). The biggest applause I have for John is trying with that lady, then moving on. Christianity is somewhat about sacrificing individualism, and that includes being right about one's religion and faith all the time!

Finally, instant chemistry is exciting but overrated. Very beautiful people can be very demanding (had one female student who had much attention, but was so special she wanted the teacher's attention, etc). Sometimes there is a tradeoff between being with a physically beautiful person and having a beautiful relationship.

Jul 11th 2013 new
I'm sorry but you are too picky. I hope that isn't the only thing that broke you up because it really petty.
Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) Michelle-985969 said: I'm sorry but you are too picky. I hope that isn't the only thing that broke you up because it really petty.
Dealbreakers are different for each person -- don't criticize others for their very real feelings and issues that matter to them.
I think smoking is a dealbreaker -- others think I'm silly to be bothered -- it is what it is, no matter how others feel about the issue.
Just because something isn't a big deal to you doesn't make it wrong to be someone else's big deal!
Choosing a lifetime partner is important and the 'little' things often really are 'big' things!!
Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) Rachel-731570 said: Dealbreakers are different for each person -- don't criticize others for their very real feelings and issues that matter to them.
I think smoking is a dealbreaker -- others think I'm silly to be bothered -- it is what it is, no matter how others feel about the issue.
Just because something isn't a big deal to you doesn't make it wrong to be someone else's big deal!
Choosing a lifetime partner is important and the 'little' things often really are 'big' things!!
Ok but comparing it smoking is not the same I think. Cigarrette smoke makes me almost nauseous.
Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) Michelle-985969 said: Ok but comparing it smoking is not the same I think. Cigarrette smoke makes me almost nauseous.
I tend to agree with you Michelle in your core belief in being picky. True, all of us have our "standards.", but I think Michelle is trying to point out another fact that has been written in other threats, namely that we've become pickier in general, our threshold has diminished. I blame the sexual revolution for that, and extreme feminism. All of a sudden, it was permited to have sex before marriage and cohabit. Women suddenly had the freedom to exercise "free will" of their bodies through "technological" advances like assisted birth, the anti-baby pill and such. Having the opportunity to go to college, also gave more freedom. Now, I'm not against more independence and freedom with women. But a lot of things have gone wrong since then. In the case of men, well there's marketing and the media has taught to go after supermodels, and forget that in reality, in order to have Claudia Schiffer's looks, it is not merely genetics rather, that these women spend their whole lives at gyms, spa's and parties. They don't do anything else, so men please to all of us, let's wake up. Michelle is right in that regard.

Also, other technological advancements such as television, computers have virtually destroyed the family. Industrialization has driven the once family-driven agrarian society, where fathers would spend more time with their children, especially their sons in order to teach them to be men, and women would spend more time in the house to learn how to be women. Families would have time to pray together, play together, work together for a common goal. Divorce rates were far fewer than now. This phenomenon is highly analyzed in Lord of the Rings. Tolkien, although he had many disagreements with his wife Edith, wasn't constantly whining about every possible fault on her wife and viceversa. There was more compromise and cooperation in a couple.

When I read in a profile for example that the guy or gal needs to like the other's dog, I ask myself what if not? My grandfather had lots of dogs, my grandma didn't like them, and so the two agreed that my grandpa took care of them and have them outside guarding the farm. Can't we learn to compromise? I can surely think of other things. I've seen so many checklists from both genders it amazes me. What about being a professional vs a "blue coat"? Education at the college level is highly overrated. Most of my classmates don't even know who Wagner was, or who how penicillin was discovered. Most of them only read school stuff, but have never read any of the classics. Does a degree make you smarter, or is the promise of carreer=more money and status quo? I've learned more working in projects and jobs I've had over the years that what Uni has taught me.

All of these transformation have led to what we are experiencing right now. That's why it is so difficult. When I post here, and when women check my profile, I feel like I'm being checked by airport security. It's degrading to say the least, and I feel like a product instead of a human being. We as Catholics are called to protest against this, to rebuild or society by returning to the land, to being more simple. Sending a chat invite here is almost impossible now, because the person may be online, but she uses an I-phone and has it in her wallet or whater ,so communication is harder.

So Michelle, I guess you're fundamentally right, and that goes for me as well. Thank you for saying that. I need to be more forgiving and flexible as well. Thank you for your post.
Jul 11th 2013 new
(quote) John-324285 said:

Community issues as I seem them anyway:

I was a case in point for this next one, but a lot of people on here dont seem to be fully open to a relationship or the ability to love in the way required of one. This is not something that can ever be fixed really and is just an issue of human nature. Sure you could maybe try and develop a questionnaire that helps to weed those people out, but they could change if they meet the right person anyway, so lets call this a false start and back up 5yrds replay the down.

Hi Brian,

I must commend you on your willingness to share your story so that others can benefit. Of all your very cogent comments to CM, I must especially call out this one. (Your number three but when I quoted it defaulted to 1.)

I am relatively new, having joined in October 2012 and then taking a break from early December, until last month when I became more fully engaged...I have intuited a hesitation (perhaps wrongly) that some folks are not quite ready to respond to His grace in their vocation.

As someone ready and willing to follow His grace the idea of running into such people on a dating site is rather daunting. This seems awful and I almost don't want to write it out...yet to some extent I find it a little helpful to see the numbering system. It helps me to ask the question of what has led someone to be on for a bit. I am open minded enough to not let this be a hang-up, just an awareness I keep in the back of my mind. For my part I think I will stay the duration of my membership.

Anyway, I offer my poor prayers for your discernment of His will. Godspeed your journey.

In Christ,
Leyden
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