(quote) Mary-976718 said: I understand where you're coming from. This was more personal that the examples you gave. For instance, a family member with multiple medical problems would ask me to help her with different things. When we disagreed on something she would become very hateful, rude, and belligerent toward me. Later she would say she was sorry and I would forgive her. We would be friends until this happened again. I knew she was in pain, knew she was struggling with many things. I didn't hold a grudge and didn't take her words to heart. But he did even though they were directed at me, not him. He held a grudge toward her and would not forgive her. He did not understand why I kept forgiving her.
Another example, I had a friend from childhood that I speak with occasionally. She is always very critical and pessimistic. She rarely sees the good in anything. She isn't all bad, she is a wonderful person most of the time, though that may seem hard to understand without knowing her as I do. She would tell me something she was going to do and then not do it, when it directly effected me. Each time she would say she was sorry and have an excuse. She was not dependable but I kept giving her the opportunity to change. I kept believing in her. On rare occasions she did come through but most of the time, she did not. He was angry at me because I continued to expect the best from her. He said she would never change so why put up with her.
I am always doing things for everyone. Someone needs to borrow money, if I have it, I lend it. Someone needs a ride somewhere, I'll stop what I'm doing and take them. If I am capable of helping I do. Sometimes with some people this is not returned. He saw that way more often than I did. I told him that I don't do things for people so they can return the favor. He expected me to write them off as friends or family because they weren't there when I need them.
Is that type of compassion unhealthy? I never once gave of myself to the point of hurting him or anyone else. I may have given to the point of hurting myself at times when I was not feeling well though.
When someone argued, I would try to explain what I thought they might be feeling or why they may have done something wrong. He took this as me trying to excuse their behavior. Even though I have done the same for him to other people. I never thought of it as me trying to make excuses for other people. I see it as me trying to help others understand and be more compassionate so to avoid anger and hatred.
We just could not seem to meet eye to eye on this. In the end, the one thing that sent us to the lawyer was when he could not forgive my son for an angry outburst even though my son offered a sincere apology and had ample reason to have been upset at the time. My ex chose to divorce rather than forgive me son and live together as a family. To this day, he swears he still loves me and wants us to be together but refuses to ever forgive my son. My son was only 13 at the time. He actually suggested I have my son live elsewhere so we could remain married.
I might can understand his other reasons but this was not acceptable to me. Had my son been an adult, it wouldn't have been such a major problem. But this was a child that needed correct, discipline and love. He did not need his step father giving up on him and our marriage.
Still.. can't help but think it was my fault. Catholic Guilt, my ex calls it (he wasn't Catholic) . I tend to blame myself for everything. 0_0
"Is that type of compassion unhealthy?" Yes, it is called enabling. As mother's it is sometimes hard for us to be less compassionate because we have such a strong nurturing instinct and tend to be that ugly word, "codependent". We need to not let that instinct control us and instead be firm, even to a 13 boy going through puberty. Since this was your husbands stepson I can see why he would have a harder time forgiving him. Women tend to forgive too soon; men not soon enough.