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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Jul 30th 2013 new
Thank you Secret. I appreciate your input. I love my ex husband. Not many people can say that. I wish we could still be together but it is impossible as long as he can't forgive my son. I know I have to move on but it is very difficult.
Was there anything an ex ever said about you in the way of faults? How did you take it? Did you try to improve on what he complained about?
Jul 30th 2013 new
Thank you Helen,
That was a nice reminder. Sometimes I start to doubt myself. These people were not abusing my help in any way. They had no one else and they were in need. They weren't in need because they were gamblers or drug addicts or alcoholic. Thank you for confirming that once again for me. :)
So Helen, How about you? Anyone ever told you that you had a big fault? How did you handle it?
Jul 30th 2013 new
(quote) Joan-529855 said: "Is that type of compassion unhealthy?" Yes, it is called enabling. As mother's it is sometimes hard for us to be less compassionate because we have such a strong nurturing instinct and tend to be that ugly word, "codependent". We need to not let that instinct control us and instead be firm, even to a 13 boy going through puberty. Since this was your husbands stepson I can see why he would have a harder time forgiving him. Women tend to forgive too soon; men not soon enough.
Hi Joan.

This is not enabling, it is protecting your child when your husband requested YOUR 13 year old son move out of the house.

This is sickening and disheartening to hear about the little boy.

The child apologized to his stepfather.

How can you be a mother and not be compassionate to your own dear, little boy?

Ah, I clearly do not understand this answer, Joan, could you please explain it in more detail?


Jul 30th 2013 new
(quote) Mary-976718 said: Was there anything an ex ever said about you in the way of faults? How did you take it? Did you try to improve on what he complained about?
No, my marriage ended due to his infidelity. He said it never had anything to do with me. He still loved me. Once I found out though, he said it didn't matter. He said he'd never change his ways.

I had healing to do and healing did come in time. We've both long since moved on. I've completely forgiven him. God's grace literally washed over me when I did open my heart to complete forgiveness. I remember the very day, the very moment it happened. It was liberating, healing and profoundly spiritual.

We have kids and grand kids. For their sake, too, it was so important for me to forgive. Sometimes, my grand babies still ask me about him and why we're not together. They're precious and innocent! They're too tiny to understand, bless their hearts. With the biggest smile and tons of love, I tell them everything is just fine. I remind them how much their grandfather loves them and how happy we all are now. I know he says the same about me.

And I just now thought about how I'm sharing this with everyone! I hope somehow, in someway, I've helped someone who's still hurting and wondering if forgiveness is ever truly possible. It is. Blessings. Praying theheart
Jul 31st 2013 new
Hi Secret,
I am so sorry for what you must have gone through. It was his loss. You seem like a wonderful, caring woman with a deep faith in the Church. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. People who haven't experience are really missing out. It's like having a huge burden lifted from your soul.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! Its good to hear something positive like this. Great to know you worked through it and have been healed from the pain. I'm sure someone will find comfort in your words, even if they do so in silence.
Forgiveness can be a brick wall at times, something you literally have to tear down but you have to want it. So much changes after that, life seemed to get so much better each time I had to forgive or was forgiven when it was very difficult to do so. I wish everyone could experience it, especially my ex.
Thanks again for sharing!
Jul 31st 2013 new
Mary, we just grew apart...
Aug 1st 2013 new
Secret , I'm praying everyday for the strength and grace to forgive my ex for her infidelity. I tried for over 10 years to make things work and constantly blamed myself for her indiscretions. The loss of self esteem, depression,anxiety, and self doubt has now given way to hate and anger. I almost long for all the pain to return because what I'm feeling now is not who I am. I continue to wait patiently for God to grant me the ability to forgive and find peace. As I pray and wait I constantly examine me and I vow to leave this luggage at the Cross and accept whatever God decides to grant me. When that special someone comes along,our relationship will be Christ centered from the start.
Aug 1st 2013 new
(quote) Mary-976718 said: What does your ex say your major faults were in your relationship? And should you pay attention to his or her words?
Mary,

Since you're now divorced, it's always wise not to allow the negative voice of your ex to enter your thoughts and cloud your judgement. While our experiences may differ, I can well understand how someone's words pointing out your faults would resonate in your head. Words sting and leave scars on our hearts and those scars need time to heal.

Please don't allow the judgement he passed on you and your son determine your future and self worth. You are God's daughter and a beautiful soul. From what you've told us about yourself, you deserve praise. Your son has an angel for a mother.

Guard your heart and mind because you're only hearing his criticism right now and his words will not change. We cannot make people change, but you, alone, have the power and the Holy Spirit theheart which dwells within you, to change and empower yourself.

The wisdom you'll gain comes from hard work on yourself. And while it takes time, keep telling yourself all the while that you're coming out on the other end of this a stronger woman who deserves better.
Aug 1st 2013 new
(quote) Larry-994049 said: Secret , I'm praying everyday for the strength and grace to forgive my ex for her infidelity. I tried for over 10 years to make things work and constantly blamed myself for her indiscretions. The loss of self esteem, depression,anxiety, and self doubt has now given way to hate and anger. I almost long for all the pain to return because what I'm feeling now is not who I am. I continue to wait patiently for God to grant me the ability to forgive and find peace. As I pray and wait I constantly examine me and I vow to leave this luggage at the Cross and accept whatever God decides to grant me. When that special someone comes along,our relationship will be Christ centered from the start.
Larry,

Since our situations are similar, I can relate to what you're going through. I'm not a therapist, but I can share what I learned during my own healing after discovering my ex's infidelity. While he said it had nothing to do with me, I blamed myself. I understand your loss of self esteem, the depression, the doubt, anxiety and anger. I held on to that depression for a long, long time. I will tell you what happened to me:

I worked on the 5 steps of grieving:
1). Denial - "This can't be happening to me."
2). Anger - "How could you do this to me? To us?"
3). Bargaining - "I'll do anything to make it better. I'll change things. I can fix this."
4). Depression - "Life's not worth anything now. Why go on?"
5). Acceptance - "I'm not going to fight it anymore. I'm moving on."

It's said if you skip one of the stages, you will never heal. Each stage must be experienced and deserves careful examination, prayer and contemplation. Allow each stage to unfold on its own. You can't rush it. You grieve each one and move on.

I don't want you to think I healed over night. It took years of counseling, reading Scripture, prayer, talking to my priest, reading books on self improvement, more therapy, and taking all that I learned to build a new environment around me.

And after posting what seemed a hundred affirmations all around the house to read when I walked into each room and soaking up Scripture and self help books like a sponge, I realized one day that I had to let go of the person who only existed in my mind. That person was the man I married; the man I loved; the man with whom I wanted to grow old; the man who I thought loved me for 29 years, but, in truth, didn't. That man only existed in my thoughts. He wasn't real. It's who I wanted him to be. When I realized that, I was able to sit (as I had hundreds of times before) and pray and I suddenly just started speaking to him (my ex) aloud - all alone and by myself. I said, "I forgive you. God, please let him know I forgive him. And may he know happiness because I deserve happiness. Bless him, Father, and bless me." And in that moment, with eyes closed, I felt my feet in sand and envisioned a large wave coming toward me. I welcomed the wave. I felt a cleansing spirit was in the water. I know in my heart it was the Holy Spirit. The wave of water swept over me completely and as it washed back over me moving out to sea, it took with it all of my pain and anger. My sorrow was gone. I can honestly say that I first smiled and then cried as I thanked God. Cried because a weight had been lifted. Cried because for the first time, I was thinking of me, my own happiness and the future. And it looked positively serene.

The resentment that was killing me had died. He had moved on and, in that moment, so had I. I was free of pain. It was so liberating and joyful. And I give all glory and praise to God Almighty.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else; it's something you do for yourself. There is freedom in forgiveness and serenity, too. God has a plan for you and you're opening your heart, receiving His will theheart and allowing the Holy Spirit theheart to abide in that place that once was a hole in your heart.

Blessings. Praying
Aug 1st 2013 new
Hi Larry, I'm struggling with some of the same things you are. No matter how unfair the details of my past relationship may sound to myself and others, I still blame myself. My ex jokingly calls it Catholic guilt.

I can't help but think if I had done something differently, maybe he would have loved me enough.. I know thats not a healthy way to think. Sometimes there really is nothing else we could have done. Sometimes there is, but no matter what we did or didn't do, our exes had free will. No one can make you have an affair, no one can make you unforgiving. These were their choices. No matter how we may have influenced or not influenced them.. in the end, it was there choice to do what they did.

I deal with not measuring up. The questions that run through my mind can really bring me down quickly. Why didn't he love me enough? Whats wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? I know all of this is illogical and I also know these feelings are not of God.

Anger seems to hurt a lot less. Instead of blaming ourselves, it would be much easier, it seems, to blame the other person. But we rarely pray for someone when we are angry. Maybe thats why the devil wants us to be angry. But you've moved past that. Keep moving forward, its not easy but its the right thing to do. Prayer, faith and forgiveness are the only weapons we need to fight off this kind of attack. We have to act on it. We have to pray for them and really believe in the future that God has waiting for us even though its not the one we had planned.
For the longest time I read everything I could find on marriage counseling. I felt like I needed to learn what I did wrong so it would never happen again. But no matter how much I learned, it would not erase the past. No matter how much I changed or improved, my ex was not even willing to try..

I love my ex very much but he is simply not ready for the truth of God, yet. I pray for him. He needs my prayers more than anything. I love him enough to want the best for him. I forgive him. Yes, it still hurts. I feel like screaming at him, crying, and throwing things sometimes even though I do forgive him. But then I take a deep breath and find comfort in God's peace. It's right there for the taking.

My ex did what he did because God was not first in his life and he still does not put him first. He has no desire to do so. That is something I have no control over. I can't fix that. I can offer help, I can pray, and I can forgive. The rest is up to him.

It was not all my fault though I'm sure I could have handled things better. I'm sure I could have influenced him more to make the right choices. There are a lot of things I could have done better.But in the end, he had free will.

Just as our exes made choices, we too are faced with choices, though our choices seem to much harder. We can choose to forgive them for their weaknesses and pray they find the strength they need to overcome them.. or we can keep blaming ourselves and battling the pain, anger, resentment, and regret.

One thing I have learned from the experience is that God must come first. If my ex and I had both put Him first, this would have never happened. We need to put Him first now and put the past behind us. I don't think I'm ready for another relationship any time soon. But I would love to find a friend to do things with and to get to know better. I think any good relationship should start with friendship. Not friendship in the hope of it turning into something else, but just friendship for the sake of friendship.

Someone asked me recently what I was looking for in a relationship.
I simply replied.... God.

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