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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Aug 3rd 2013 new
(quote) Christine-960631 said: Well, my Ex- told me when he left that I had no faults. At our daughter's wedding last October he said the same thing! He said that there was nothing I could have done to change the way things had been, but for a while it was a good thing! NOW WHAT THE HECK DO YOU SAY IN RESPONSE TO THAT ??? I would have preferred a list of faults! As it is, I guess my biggest fault is poor judgement!
Christine, interestingly enough, he recanted the list, even insisted that I give it back to him, though I believe he had a copy in his word file. I told him I would return it to him after I made a copy. I never made a copy, instead returning the original to him. I didn't care too much about the "list of faults" as I knew he was just trying to justify his affairs.
GOD will reveal your faults to you. You former spouse doesn't need to do that for you.
Aug 4th 2013 new
I think it is better to avoid all conversation that contains criticism from your former spouse. ((What makes him/her think that he/she is so smart??)) I think it is wise to pray, and to turn to the Lord, and to meditate upon Sacred Scripture, and upon homilies by the parish priest. The minute that the X begins inappropriate topics, say, and mean, and act, "I have to go now." There is ZERO moral imperative for you to harken to any from that worthless source.
Aug 4th 2013 new
I never asked for a list of faults from my ex but...that is not really necessary as I sure do remember hearing about them frequently during our marriage. After a lot of soul searching, counseling, seminars and discussions with friends, I have had the chance to evaluate those faults that I frequently heard throughout the marriage. Those faults that did have some validity, I have acknowledged that they do/did exist and I am working on improving in these areas. I have forgiven her for her part in the ending of our marriage and I asked her for her forgiveness for those things that I could have done differently. A huge weight came off my shoulders when that occurred. Forgiveness is so powerful.
Aug 4th 2013 new
Mary, Sounds to me like you are indeed a unique human being. Most likely, your ex husband was totally intimidated by your light. No, there's no reason for you to change. You are special in the eyes of God. It matters little what others might think. Stay true to yourself. Blessings to you.
Aug 4th 2013 new
My X was angry with me because I laughed whenever anything went wrong. He thought I should be more serious. He called me a little idiot all the time. He said I thought marriage was just one big long date. He also hated it I wanted to be held. Interestingly enough after the divorce (over 30 years ago) I learned to have Jesus hold me. I feel inside as though another human being is holding me. I usually only feel it when I am alone, but sometimes even when I am in a group of people. I read Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages" and found out my primary love language is physical touch. Without knowing about the book I have developed all five love languages very strongly as touching isn't a common occurence in the life of a single person. I love my X, and I forgive him. We are friendly at family gatherings. I am better off divorced because he put me down all the time and I found out there are men that don't put women down. I would like to marry, but I am grateful I am not married to the wrong man.
Aug 5th 2013 new
(quote) Secret-991193 said: Larry,

Since our situations are similar, I can relate to what you're going through. I'm not a therapist, but I can share what I learned during my own healing after discovering my ex's infidelity. While he said it had nothing to do with me, I blamed myself. I understand your loss of self esteem, the depression, the doubt, anxiety and anger. I held on to that depression for a long, long time. I will tell you what happened to me:

I worked on the 5 steps of grieving:
1). Denial - "This can't be happening to me."
2). Anger - "How could you do this to me? To us?"
3). Bargaining - "I'll do anything to make it better. I'll change things. I can fix this."
4). Depression - "Life's not worth anything now. Why go on?"
5). Acceptance - "I'm not going to fight it anymore. I'm moving on."

It's said if you skip one of the stages, you will never heal. Each stage must be experienced and deserves careful examination, prayer and contemplation. Allow each stage to unfold on its own. You can't rush it. You grieve each one and move on.

I don't want you to think I healed over night. It took years of counseling, reading Scripture, prayer, talking to my priest, reading books on self improvement, more therapy, and taking all that I learned to build a new environment around me.

And after posting what seemed a hundred affirmations all around the house to read when I walked into each room and soaking up Scripture and self help books like a sponge, I realized one day that I had to let go of the person who only existed in my mind. That person was the man I married; the man I loved; the man with whom I wanted to grow old; the man who I thought loved me for 29 years, but, in truth, didn't. That man only existed in my thoughts. He wasn't real. It's who I wanted him to be. When I realized that, I was able to sit (as I had hundreds of times before) and pray and I suddenly just started speaking to him (my ex) aloud - all alone and by myself. I said, "I forgive you. God, please let him know I forgive him. And may he know happiness because I deserve happiness. Bless him, Father, and bless me." And in that moment, with eyes closed, I felt my feet in sand and envisioned a large wave coming toward me. I welcomed the wave. I felt a cleansing spirit was in the water. I know in my heart it was the Holy Spirit. The wave of water swept over me completely and as it washed back over me moving out to sea, it took with it all of my pain and anger. My sorrow was gone. I can honestly say that I first smiled and then cried as I thanked God. Cried because a weight had been lifted. Cried because for the first time, I was thinking of me, my own happiness and the future. And it looked positively serene.

The resentment that was killing me had died. He had moved on and, in that moment, so had I. I was free of pain. It was so liberating and joyful. And I give all glory and praise to God Almighty.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else; it's something you do for yourself. There is freedom in forgiveness and serenity, too. God has a plan for you and you're opening your heart, receiving His will and allowing the Holy Spirit to abide in that place that once was a hole in your heart.

Blessings.
Secret -- very good, true, powerful, freeing words of wisdom! This was my story too. Thank you!
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