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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Oct 3rd 2013 new
Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who responded. I am very thankful to all of you and greatly appreciate the time you took in addressing my concerns!! :)
Oct 3rd 2013 new
Thank you Dawn!!! What a great post -- just what I needed. :)
Oct 3rd 2013 new
(quote) Adam-399324 said: I definitely think this is a wonderful post. I suspect it is almost entirely correct. I think it is probably true that a relationship is more likely to work out if the man is the one who is the initial pursuer. Men and women are constituted differently, and men are 'built' to be pursuers and women to be pursued. However, I'm far from convinced that a man would ever have too much luck if his initial message was anything like the 'type B' messages. This speaks to a slightly broader point. I think women dramatically underestimate the difficulty men have on here (and elsewhere in the dating arena). The odds of any interest being reciprocated are truly miniscule. Response rates are ridiculously, ridiculously low. When women begin to make the small initial steps of 'dropping the hankie', so to speak, they should expect overwhelming failure - just the same as men. This is simply because of the nature of the medium, but I think women in particular underappreciate it. So the take away, in brief, is this: be prepared to drop LOTS of hankies! Good luck!

Thank you, Adam. I agree with you-- Many woman make the mistake of thinking that men think about these things the way they do. Men don't. It's a sticky wicket, as we say in my family. Tough to think about someone thinking differently than how you yourself think. Ugh. No wonder we are single. It does require boxes and boxes of hankies!
Oct 3rd 2013 new
(quote) Huong-1007930 said: I'm quite shocked to know that kind of above example is considered of chasing man. Is it applied when a woman's first message to a man or when both sides are exchanging messages few times? I just think that it's a nice and polite way to end a message after knowing each other, and when I consider them like my friends (at first). Any other ideas? Or I should adjust the way I'm doing right now because no woman really wanted to chase a man, I suppose.
Houng, I can understand how this can seem problematic and disturbing. Let me clarify.

If a lady and gent are already conversing, and he has expressed interest, it's not chasing. It is if he has not approached her at all. It's subtle, but the big hint to pay attention to is your intent and the state of your heart. Usually when a woman sends a message first to a man (out of the blue with no hint from him) she is invested emotionally in his response. When he doesn't respond, she gets upset. Her heart is prematurely involved with a man who is not involved with her. How can he protect her heart when he has no clue that she expects him to?? And she shouldn't expect that from him, but she does. It's confusing because the basics of male-female communication have been twisted around and the operating manual has been thrown out.

The key is to keep thing open, caring, free and loving. No demand (request) some kind of response, but to inspire him to seek you out for what he feels drawn to. Wouldn't that make you feel lovely inside and out? It's my understanding that a man feels awesome inside and out when it works that way. (Men have told me this-- I take their word for it. )

I hope that helps!
Oct 3rd 2013 new
(quote) David-364112 said:
NONSENSE!!! We joined this site to meet someone. How can we know if a woman is interested in us (especially if she lives out of the area) UNLESS she tells us? How???

This silliness about men pursuing is a stupid rule that will keep you sidelined and limit your chances. If you like someone, approach him!!
Would you approach him publicly or in private?
Oct 3rd 2013 new
(quote) David-364112 said: Don't drop it, wave it while saying "Yoo hoo, come on over here because I like the look of you!"
In some of these forum topics I think waving the white flag and surrendering may work better with some people. smile
Oct 3rd 2013 new
(quote) Dawn-58330 said: Katie, in theory I agree with you and your priest. Almost all of my knowledge of online success on CM has supported this, too.

But I think some clarification needs to be made about "contact." There is a difference between saying hello and being gracious, and asking to begin writing to each other and being forward.

A) It's quite alright for women to send emotigrams that encourage and lift up the men. Some examples of this are:
-- I like your pictures of the sunset and the little children. You look like a fun uncle.
-- Thank you for your terrific posts in the forum supporting the dignity of men and women.
-- Sorry to hear your Reds team lost. Better luck next year-- enjoy a beer on me. Hope it helps.
-- I'm keeping your mother in my prayers. I'm sorry to read that she is ill in the hospital.

B) On the other side of the spectrum, I don't think things work very well when a woman begins with chasing a man who has not decided he is interested in her. For example:
-- I see we live a half hour apart. We should meet for coffee sometime.
-- We have SO much in common. We might be a match. Are you open to communicating?
-- You're a handsome man. I bet you won't be here for long- at least, not if I have something to say about it.
-- How was your day? I'm wishing you all the best, and hope to hear from you.

There is a vast difference between these two categories. The first group effectively gets your face and profile in front of the man (something we have to do online-- a kind of artificial bumping into each other in a public place.) Those examples express no expectations, offer goodwill, have substance, and build up both parties. They do give the gentleman an opening to starting a conversation, if he wishes. If he does not, a simple "thank you" will be enough-- it won't feel like rejection (because a woman hasn't asked something of him) and she will know when he doesn't pursue that he isn't interested.

The second group puts a gentleman and lady in tough spots. For him, if he is a gentleman, he must respond whether he is interested or not. Right there is her problem. She has no idea if, when a gentleman responds, he is interested in getting to know her or being polite in responding. If he is not a gentleman in the first place, he will probably respond because he then does not have to do any work. She now has both roles as lady and gentleman, but doesn't know that. She will confuse his responses with that of a gentleman. Also, the second group has a good chance of leaving her feeling rejected.

Basically it comes down to your personal preference, Katie. What kind of woman do you want to be in relationship with what kind of man? For me, I have decided that I desire a man who has confidence to approach me, knows his own heart and mind, and will speak up about it. I want to be a woman open to communication that leaves people feeling esteemed and free. I have high standards for myself, and for my future husband. To a certain degree, who we are early in a relationship is who we will be later in the relationship.

It took me awhile to learn the fine art of "dropping the hanky." It's a subtle art, but it does work and it has come to feel the most natural way for me to interact with men. Be kind, open, generous, and complimentary. Some attention to a man you are interested in is very good-- we need to give them ideas sometimes. Just let him decide to pursue you.
This is so excellent Dawn!

I've come to realize these things as well, (albeit the hard way... biggrin) I especially like the two categories of real examples you gave us.

One very simple, non invasive hanky dropping technique I've found is to use the "like" feature on the persons photos or posts. It's a non threatening way of drawing someone's attention, yet lets them know you noticed and leaves the ball in their court... When someone likes one of my photos I usually send a thank you, or perhaps one of those open ended comments like Dawn suggests to let them know of my interest.

This is a really beautiful thread with great responses and ideas. Thanks to you all... rose
Oct 4th 2013 new

Hi Kate. I think its sad that you are as a newcomer to the the forums are being given the usual bill here: "Men are the pursuers, and women are meant to be pursued". What's sad is you will hear a lot of complaints (if you spend enough time in the forums) from women who say they are not being contacted enough and complaints about how people expected more coming onto a Catholic dating site. Most men are not mind readers, so how are we to know you might be interested in us? As to the second complaint, perhaps they are because people continue to being their secular stereotypes, attitudes, and biases formed by our culture and not those formed by the gospel into this site. Take this into consideration:

1) Jesus broke the cultural and religious norms of his day to usher in a new paradigm: the Kingdom of God.

2) It is people in the gospels who take the initiative who are often healed or are commended by Jesus.

Finally, online dating has different rules than in the real world. Send what you want, not what other people tell you. Prepare that some people will ignore you, but don't take it personally. And follow the golden rule: treat others as you wish to be treated.

Oct 4th 2013 new
Some guys like it, some don't a and then you get a few who look on an email as a marriage proposal. Not kidding. If you feel up to it take a chance. I'm too old fashioned to do it but then I'm still single. Best of luck.
Oct 4th 2013 new
Give it the old, hey lets read the song of the songs together and talk about it, there's a conversation starter :P
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