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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Rather is there a right time to ask someone if they're sexually active? With all of STDs going around I have to be careful. I personally want to save myself for marriage and hope to find someone who is as well. I won't judge anyone who isn't a virgin. But what do you do? How do you bring up the topic, do you wait or do you just come out and ask?
Oct 16th 2013 new
Right away! If you know this is a man you definitely want to have an intimate relationship with, then you both need to get tested for any and all STD's but also because they are so rampant; especially gonorrhea and chlamydia. To protect yourself Haley, as a woman; and he should take extra precaution as well. Most men I know don't like condoms, but I would ask to see a recent hard copy from his medical clinic with all of the results of STD testing he had done, and you show him yours; before you proceed any farther. Take it from a woman with a bad prior experience with this; and know that you can trust me when I say that. I'm 54 years old. My Dad always taught me to respect my elders, but I want to also thank you for bringing up the topic, because I'm sure other people have the same question, but you were brave enough to post it. And even more important, you want to save yourself for marriage; which I also did. However, my husband wasn't a virgin when I married him; so YES, don't settle for less than what you deserve Haley, and see if a man is attracted to you because of your good morals, standards, and ethics! He'll respect you more, and besides that, you deserve a man that has saved himself for the sanctity and sacredness of the marriage covenant. And you will find him by the grace of God alone! Good Luck.....
Oct 16th 2013 new
(quote) Carla-1017373 said: Right away! If you know this is a man you definitely want to have an intimate relationship with, then you both need to get tested for any and all STD's but also because they are so rampant; especially gonorrhea and chlamydia. To protect yourself Haley, as a woman; and he should take extra precaution as well. Most men I know don't like condoms, but I would ask to see a recent hard copy from his medical clinic with all of the results of STD testing he had done, and you show him yours; before you proceed any farther. Take it from a woman with a bad prior experience with this; and know that you can trust me when I say that. I'm 54 years old. My Dad always taught me to respect my elders, but I want to also thank you for bringing up the topic, because I'm sure other people have the same question, but you were brave enough to post it. And even more important, you want to save yourself for marriage; which I also did. However, my husband wasn't a virgin when I married him; so YES, don't settle for less than what you deserve Haley, and see if a man is attracted to you because of your good morals, standards, and ethics! He'll respect you more, and besides that, you deserve a man that has saved himself for the sanctity and sacredness of the marriage covenant. And you will find him by the grace of God alone! Good Luck.....
I think you missed the statement that she wants to save herself for her husband . . .
Oct 16th 2013 new
Thank you for such an encouraging response Carla!

I never would have thought of asking a man for a hard copy of his testing results, normally I take his word for it when he says he is a virgin or that he doesn't have any STDs. Guess I am more naive than I thought:) I also heard that you can get STDs from public jacuzzis, so I guess you really can't ever be too safe then.
Thank you for such wonderful advice and encouragement, I know I will always remember you for it.:) it's always good to have a friendly reminder to never settle for less than what God wants for us and to realize that we do deserve a devout and loving Catholic.
Oct 16th 2013 new
(quote) Haley-1019327 said: Rather is there a right time to ask someone if they're sexually active? With all of STDs going around I have to be careful. I personally want to save myself for marriage and hope to find someone who is as well. I won't judge anyone who isn't a virgin. But what do you do? How do you bring up the topic, do you wait or do you just come out and ask?
Hi Haley,

This is a very good question for virgins and non-virgins alike. There are those who have remained chaste and those questions are going to be easily answered. I truly hope you find someone who has been chaste as well.

But in case you do meet someone who has lived a different life before they came to know Christ, I think the question should come up when you feel the relationship is going in a serious direction. So if you meet a guy, you go out a few times and there is no interest (either on his part of yours), the question is unnecessary. But if you get to the point where you are meeting families, spending every weekend together or connecting every day, then the question should be brought up when you are having a serious conversation. If he has been "active," then by all means ask him that if it is possible the relationship is moving toward marriage, would he please get tested for every possible outcome of his encounter. You can be very kind and non-judgmental in your request. If he has come to know you by this point, he will understand your concern and respect your request. If he gets really angry and defensive, then you may want to rethink your relationship with him, not just because of his past, but because that is a red flag.

Blessings on your search!
Oct 16th 2013 new
first let me say WELCOME to the Forums.. and just my .02 cents..
in my Op there is a difference between "dating" (a process of discernment through which you're finding out about that person), and a "romantic courtship" (where you're discerning Marriage).

I think if you're spending enough time together, talking about and doing a multitude of things, your views on lifestyles should come up in conversation... one of the first questions i would consider asking is how the other person "practices their faith". This opens up the door and allows a lot of opportunity to discuss "the theology of the body", gender roles in a relationship, Sacraments, etc.etc. If all else fails.. a simple question such as "what are your views on pre-marital sex?" It's all about dialogue and giving each other the chance to explain what they think, ask questions, and learn from each other. biggrin Praying


Oct 16th 2013 new
Hi Joanna,

Thank you so much for your advice! I feel extremely blessed that I found a dating site that has such a strong and supportive community. This gives me a lot of hope and motivation biggrin

I think it is safe to say that I am going to remember all of you that helped me :)
God bless!
Oct 16th 2013 new
Thank you Dave biggrin

I am so thankful for y'all, you all gave me such amazing advice and encouragement for my upcoming journeys. I feel very blessed and thankful to God that I asked this question and I hope that it helps others who have the same question as I did.

God bless!
Oct 16th 2013 new
(quote) Haley-1019327 said: Rather is there a right time to ask someone if they're sexually active? With all of STDs going around I have to be careful. I personally want to save myself for marriage and hope to find someone who is as well. I won't judge anyone who isn't a virgin. But what do you do? How do you bring up the topic, do you wait or do you just come out and ask?
well since you are not sexually active I dont think it is something you need to bring up right away.. first, why bring up such a personal issue right away when the courtship may not last anyways.. if it does look like it is going to last, perhaps at that point you can mention you are a virgin and plan on saving yourself for marriage.. then wait to see what he says,,, he will probably talk about his history at that point.. if he doesn't, don't pounce but just gradually increase his comfort level before he volunteers that information...if he respect your saving yourself wishes, i don't necessarily think his past is that relevant (provided he doesn't have any kids or something)... as far as a STD's, I can understand how that can be a concern, but the odds are pretty low so I wouldn't worry about that too much, but if it does really concern you, then I suppose at some point (not too soon), then just ask
Oct 16th 2013 new
I wouldn't ask "the question" until after you are dating exclusively. Unfortunately you need to be ready for "the lie" (which is what happened to me). I was very upfront with the man whom I married, telling him that I was a virgin and planned to be a virgin until my wedding night and that i was only interested in marrying a virgin. By giving him this information he knew that he needed to "lie" to me to get me to marry him (which was his intention). On our wedding night he was a lot more experienced that I expected so later I questioned him again and again he lied. He really put on a good show though in this regard; it certainly fooled me. Only after our first child was born did I find out that he was not a virgin and in fact had "casual" sex before he "came to know Christ".

I would have to say that this is one of the biggest issues with CM; you have no idea what the reputation is of the person you are communicating with. I knew the man I married for several years before marriage (we were both active in the NEwman Center on the university campus), but I also knew that he had fallen from the Church during his high school years (the time when he had casual sex). Unfortunately the choices he made during those formative years will haunt him for the rest of his life, HOWEVER it does not mean that he is doomed to final damnation. He struggles every day with sexual sin (porn/casual sex). I pray for his soul every day.

THis is an EXCELLENT question!! And blessings to you.
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