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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Dec 10th 2013 new
Few months after my husband died I recall starting to adjust and I felt uncomfortable with being comfortable. As time went on I learned that grief for me had stages. I've moved from one block of time feeling one way to another block of time feeling another. I've reach the point where I felt am I going to feel blah from now on? Now, thank God, I am starting to feel like my old self. It has been a little over 2 years. I miss him and always will but time is a great healer and I know I am moving on another path. I look back to right after he passed away and the time since has been a challenging journey, a difficult one, much more than I ever imagined. Most of my progress has not been my own doing, my relationship with God, the very good priest that have helped me along the way, somehow life has been good to move me along in spite of myself. If I learned anything at all in the past two years it is that you can't manage your own grief. You can't run through it, you probably shouldn't sit through it, my advice float through it and paddle once in a while.
Dec 11th 2013 new
Praying hug On New Years Eve, it will be three years since John died. I feel no closure. Most of the time I feel healing and peace and joy, but no closure. Sometimes I feel loneliness and sadness and emptiness, but no closure.

To me closure means an ending. He was a part of my life, but my life hasn't ended, it's just different and he is still a part of it, albeit in a different way that when he was alive. I continue to pray for him everyday and I have Masses said for him once a month.
Dec 16th 2013 new
Praying Praying
Dec 18th 2013 new
Chris,
I do not think I will ever completely have closure. I was married for 40 years to a wonderful man. He was in a one car accident that broke his neck. He was in ICU for 6 weeks until it was obvious he would not survive. On the advice of physicians, I had him disconnected from life support. I was at his side when he died. It was his choice to not be kept on machines and it was my last act of love to have them removed.

It has been three years and I have come to realize that he will always be part of my life and nothing can or will take that away, but he is my past not my future. Only I can make my own future. I have moments of intense grief but more often I have flashes of joyous memories. Only I can make new memories and find my new normal. One of my biggest regrets is knowing I am alone at a time in my life I thought I would be enjoying retirement with my husband. We live in a couples society and not being part of a couple is very painful.

I have gone to counseling and that has been helpful. Since our parish and for that matter the entire community does not have a grief support group, I recently proposed starting one in our Church for not only our parish but the bigger community. I am hoping this will be approved and provide others like myself an outlet to explore our grief and share with others. May you find something that helps give your some relief and free you to find your own way forward. Blessings, Chris
Jan 7th 2014 new

I was widowed 12.5 years ago at the age of 25. My husband was 14 years older than me and died of a massive heart attack in my arms. I tried desperately to save his life to no avail. There was no good bye. There was never really any talk of death and what to do as far as how to live without him or I were to die before him. He did ask me about six months before he died what I'd do if he died. I told him I'd move to Ohio, there'd be no reason to stay. It broke his heart to hear me say those words and the look he gave me that night haunted me for months.

A few weeks after my husband died I had a dream about him and he apologized over and over again for hurting me telling me he never wanted to leave me. Still no closure. I don't think there will ever be "closure" but there is moving on with a different life than I had planned. I was with my husband when he died even tho there was no good bye. I took comfort in that and know that he'd want me to marry again, if I meet a good enough man.

I do miss my husband and sometimes I forget things. We were married for 2.5 years, never had the chance to have the family we wanted so the memories I have are engrained in my mind and the pics I still carry. I used to wish we had talk about what to do. But, I learned my way through the world on my own and have become far more independent than anyone ever thought I would.

I guess a reason I am big on closure when a relationship ends now is because there was no sense of closure with losing Jeff.

Sorry for rambling. :)
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Chris-1001981 said: Chris,
I do not think I will ever completely have closure. I was married for 40 years to a wonderful man. He was in a one car accident that broke his neck. He was in ICU for 6 weeks until it was obvious he would not survive. On the advice of physicians, I had him disconnected from life support. I was at his side when he died. It was his choice to not be kept on machines and it was my last act of love to have them removed.

It has been three years and I have come to realize that he will always be part of my life and nothing can or will take that away, but he is my past not my future. Only I can make my own future. I have moments of intense grief but more often I have flashes of joyous memories. Only I can make new memories and find my new normal. One of my biggest regrets is knowing I am alone at a time in my life I thought I would be enjoying retirement with my husband. We live in a couples society and not being part of a couple is very painful.

I have gone to counseling and that has been helpful. Since our parish and for that matter the entire community does not have a grief support group, I recently proposed starting one in our Church for not only our parish but the bigger community. I am hoping this will be approved and provide others like myself an outlet to explore our grief and share with others. May you find something that helps give your some relief and free you to find your own way forward. Blessings, Chris
Chris--what a wonderful name!!!

Such similar thoughts and feelings!!! One thing I find is that it's all those wonderful memories that give me such strong emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, longing. I do remember the "bad times" and the struggles, but, it's the good, wonderful memories that I end up crying over.

We were empty nesters and a new profession for me and Tom wanting to give up his business were making changes in our lives. We were planning and looking forward to a different, exciting future. Death was not on the radar. It's been 4 3/4 years and his death shadows everything. I thought that 2012 had brought me the peace and acceptance I so longed for, prayed for, so desperately needed. It was after I had found that peace and acceptance that I met someone, fell in love and planned a wedding. Only for him to break it off--like a teenage, immature boy--on the phone. That plunged me back into grieving for Tom--all over again.

So, if there is such a thing as closure, I hope and pray that it comes to me--again and for good. That it comes to all of us with minimal pain and in a timely manner.

Thank you for your posting.
Chris
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Lisa-1017628 said:
I was widowed 12.5 years ago at the age of 25. My husband was 14 years older than me and died of a massive heart attack in my arms. I tried desperately to save his life to no avail. There was no good bye. There was never really any talk of death and what to do as far as how to live without him or I were to die before him. He did ask me about six months before he died what I'd do if he died. I told him I'd move to Ohio, there'd be no reason to stay. It broke his heart to hear me say those words and the look he gave me that night haunted me for months.

A few weeks after my husband died I had a dream about him and he apologized over and over again for hurting me telling me he never wanted to leave me. Still no closure. I don't think there will ever be "closure" but there is moving on with a different life than I had planned. I was with my husband when he died even tho there was no good bye. I took comfort in that and know that he'd want me to marry again, if I meet a good enough man.

I do miss my husband and sometimes I forget things. We were married for 2.5 years, never had the chance to have the family we wanted so the memories I have are engrained in my mind and the pics I still carry. I used to wish we had talk about what to do. But, I learned my way through the world on my own and have become far more independent than anyone ever thought I would.

I guess a reason I am big on closure when a relationship ends now is because there was no sense of closure with losing Jeff.

Sorry for rambling. :)
Lisa,

Don't apologize--it's not rambling. It's opening up and seeking and getting support.

We're here for each other--day or night.

What hurt him so much that you would move to Ohio? Obviously, you're not there now. Are you sure it was that or a premonition he had? there is a long story behind this, but, 6 hours before Tom died, he said to me, "I guess you don't need me anymore." Again, more to this than what I'm writing, but, I reassured him strongly that I still needed him, couldn't have done this without him, and loved him dearly. I thank God for that grace--I got to say what was needed--for him and for me. No stones were left unturned. For me--it was a perfect last day. Day before Mother's Day 2009. He did everything, many things, that day for me, Tied up loose ends--one thing after another. I couldn't have asked God for a better last day with him. God was so good to me; He blest me tremendously.

But, "closure"? Is closure peace and acceptance as Kubler-Ross's famous research spells out?

I wish we'd hear from more CMers that have achieved "closure". It would give us guidance and hope and realistic expectations. If you're out there--PLEASE--write us personally or post here for all of us. If you've attained this, help us who haven't. We need you.

chris


Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Lisa-1017628 said:
I was widowed 12.5 years ago at the age of 25. My husband was 14 years older than me and died of a massive heart attack in my arms. I tried desperately to save his life to no avail. There was no good bye. There was never really any talk of death and what to do as far as how to live without him or I were to die before him. He did ask me about six months before he died what I'd do if he died. I told him I'd move to Ohio, there'd be no reason to stay. It broke his heart to hear me say those words and the look he gave me that night haunted me for months.

A few weeks after my husband died I had a dream about him and he apologized over and over again for hurting me telling me he never wanted to leave me. Still no closure. I don't think there will ever be "closure" but there is moving on with a different life than I had planned. I was with my husband when he died even tho there was no good bye. I took comfort in that and know that he'd want me to marry again, if I meet a good enough man.

I do miss my husband and sometimes I forget things. We were married for 2.5 years, never had the chance to have the family we wanted so the memories I have are engrained in my mind and the pics I still carry. I used to wish we had talk about what to do. But, I learned my way through the world on my own and have become far more independent than anyone ever thought I would.

I guess a reason I am big on closure when a relationship ends now is because there was no sense of closure with losing Jeff.

Sorry for rambling. :)
Lisa no apologies for the rambling ... it is gracious of you to touch us hug ... they are also our Heavenly angel as we offer Holy Masses and prayers for them and all our dearly departed in the presence of Jesus Christ .... wish that your hearts be filled with love and peace you so desire, that only Blessed Virgin Mary and God can fill hug Praying theheart rosary rose rose rose
Jan 7th 2014 new
rose heartI too thank you Chris for this thread and all who post. I too need more "closure" if that'll ever really happen. Chris is a great name it as my husband's name too! I really don't get it either. I still forget things and am still trying to lose the weight that I gained after he died, for a couple of reasons. I don't know why some are taken from this world and some live in empty marriages, lives etc. I sound like a broken record, but these people just don't get it. My story is also a long one. Maybe for another day. I suppose we could all say that because life is too short, but equipped with long stories from all of us, since life is never that simple. There can't be closure there is just moving on to new life. IMHO. I never understood that word ~ closure~ because if someone else you loved passed into the Heavenly life than you wouldn't disregard them. No offense to anyone here, I just wish there were another way to describe it. I guess I am rambling on here. I am waiting for my answer from God what should be my next life goal. My time is not God's time, I know. Just wondering if I should stay in the single life or not, cause just the same 'ol games. Okay I will stop for now. Thanks. I'd like to hear from a wise one too please. Thanks ~ J hug
Jan 8th 2014 new
rose rose I really think that " closure" is another way of saying we have a new life. Do we forget the good of the deceased spouse and remember the not so good of the deceased spouse? Once we can look at that person in the mirror in front of us and unequivically say NO to this question, then I believe we have what the world would call "closure"

Bob ( widowed 11/06/04)
Posts 11 - 20 of 26