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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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Jan 8th 2014 new
(quote) Bob-1048419 said: I really think that " closure" is another way of saying we have a new life. Do we forget the good of the deceased spouse and remember the not so good of the deceased spouse? Once we can look at that person in the mirror in front of us and unequivically say NO to this question, then I believe we have what the world would call "closure"

Bob ( widowed 11/06/04)
Bob--

I'm a little confused with your question and statements. Would you clarify for me exactly what you mean?

I do feel that closure is quite a bit more than having a new life. In its' simple meaning, we all have a "new life" when a spouse dies. It's never the same as it once was. It eventually becomes a "new normal"; unique to each one of us. I don't think that closure automatically accompanies this new normal.

For those of us who survive more than 1-2 years after a death, I and research calls us "survivors". We're fighters. We don't give up or give in---no matter how many times those thoughts and feelings enter/ed our space. No matter how many times we want the easy way out, the less painful way out, we don't take it.

Closure. has anyone read any research articles on this topic that was useful and meaningful that they'd like to pass along? Anecdotal and personal experiences are wonderful and full of guidance, but, I'm so used to reading research to substantiate claims, that both together would add to my "doubting Thomas" attitude.

Thanks for posting.
Chris
Jan 8th 2014 new
(quote) Jane-933948 said: I too thank you Chris for this thread and all who post. I too need more "closure" if that'll ever really happen. Chris is a great name it as my husband's name too! I really don't get it either. I still forget things and am still trying to lose the weight that I gained after he died, for a couple of reasons. I don't know why some are taken from this world and some live in empty marriages, lives etc. I sound like a broken record, but these people just don't get it. My story is also a long one. Maybe for another day. I suppose we could all say that because life is too short, but equipped with long stories from all of us, since life is never that simple. There can't be closure there is just moving on to new life. IMHO. I never understood that word ~ closure~ because if someone else you loved passed into the Heavenly life than you wouldn't disregard them. No offense to anyone here, I just wish there were another way to describe it. I guess I am rambling on here. I am waiting for my answer from God what should be my next life goal. My time is not God's time, I know. Just wondering if I should stay in the single life or not, cause just the same 'ol games. Okay I will stop for now. Thanks. I'd like to hear from a wise one too please. Thanks ~ J
Jane--

Thanks for your post!!! Yes, I most thoroughly agree that Chris is an absolutely fantastic, wonderful name!!! Not too proud of it, am I??? Nor boastful---huh???? Seriously, we can just be happy and proud of our name or we can look at all the derivations and the root being Christus. My baptismal name is Christine Carol. My younger brother couldn't say it clearly and I became "Citsy Cairo". My one uncle affectionately called me that throughout my life. It brings a smile to my face even now--good childhood memory. I digress, though. Was your husband's name Christopher? and middle name?

Life is too short. A fact brought to the forefront abruptly when a spouse dies suddenly or after an illness. It becomes a very humbling experience, doesn't it? I agree that God has plans/goals for us. Not always easy to discern them, is it? I, too, am questioning if now is the time to be searching for a new love in my life. I'm not sure if I'm ready--emotionally. I thought I was ready, wanted to be ready, but, in reality am not putting in the time or effort needed to find someone.

Good to hear from you.

chris
Jan 9th 2014 new
(quote) Bob-1048419 said: I really think that " closure" is another way of saying we have a new life.
YES. As an individual, no longer as part of a pair (either an intact pair or a pair with one half missing).
Jan 9th 2014 new
(quote) Jane-933948 said: Hi Chris,

I am not sure exactly what the word would be. Perhaps just moving on to different history in your life. Another chapter maybe. I think that if you are still going to bed with your spouses picture in your arms when you are dating someone else maybe you are not ready for another spouse, but your spouse is part of your history and there is no denying that. I don't see anything wrong with keeping a spot in your home for pictures etc. because that is your life. Especially if you have children. I think another spouse would understand that. And they would keep their photos or mementos as well, or not if it were through divorce.

How would it feel, I think would depend on factors of your life. I think it would feel wonderful but different than before. There are different kinds of loves, but real just the same. I think it is alright to laugh again and love again. And that your new spouse will bring different dynamics to your life and you will feel the closeness again just in a different way. After all you are a different person now too.

I am not sure how to express the way I feel about it but, I think God will bring you what you need, He knows you better than anyone. I don't know if any of this helps, maybe I will think of some better words. This place is a peaceful place to come and rest here, and when you need us we will be here. Or just stop by for a laugh or two! Keep the faith and be good to yourself!

Take care ~ Jane
Hi Chris, Jane and all,

Jane your first sentence. . ."not sure exactly what the word would be," I've been thinking about this also and at first I thought acceptance, but that sounds almost too positive, I think for me it is resignation. . .I can't change it, I hate it, but I have to move on, so I am resigned that this is the situation I am in, against my own desire, wants, or will. I suppose there is some acceptance there, but there really is no closure in this for me. Perhaps the true closure will occur when we are reunited in heaven and perhaps there the reason why will be clear, until then just have to figure out who to move forward despite the loss and engage in life for not only our own sakes but for those around us.
Jan 25th 2014 new
I read a post by Rose in the Divorced room under the topic of healing after a divorce. Seems appropriate for this topic also. It struck a chord with me as I struggle with "closure".

This is a partial retelling of Rose's post:
....excited to rediscover self and enter a new transition of life with vigor and hope.
...look forward to dating again, taking care of self and enjoying new hobbies and interests.
...memories don't consume one's life.

What do you think? Would these be aspects of "closure"?
Jan 25th 2014 new
I haven't read any research worth quoting, though I too do a fair amount of scrounging around for information from various sources. But I can tell you something that hasn't yet been mentioned on this thread.
Even when your aware that death may be coming, there is not always closure. It has been almost 2 years (Ben died on Valentine's Day) and I don't feel closure yet either. When he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, Ben was given a 1% chance of survival. He was determined to fight, so fight we did. It was 8 months of very painful treatments, but he never gave up and rarely complained. He was upbeat, laughing, fun and a delight to be with most of the time. We did not talk of death - he wouldn't allow it. That was both a blessing and a curse.
He achieved remission after a full round of treatment, but it was short lived. After 2 weeks it was back. Despite all of this we still didn't have "the talk". He died unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I barely got there in time to say goodbye. He was unable to talk at that point.
But my point is I was not prepared either. I let him call all the shots because it was his life and he should have a say it how the last of it went. So closure has evaded me, too.
My grief counselor says I may never get closure, but instead I think resignation may be the better word to use for it, as was mentioned earlier. I'm not sure if it's about how it happened, but rather where our head is at any given point in time.
I think we each have our own timetable, and maybe as was also stated, it may take until we get to Heaven for that to happen for some of us.
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