(quote) Kristen-878108 said: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5qVszyV3mg&list=PLA3A414B2CBEBF4E2
This is an interesting talk Jason Evert gave to some young adults on some of the challenges of finding self-giving love in our ultilitarian culture. I am starting to wonder if perhaps at my age, the desire for this holy love is a futile hope.
In part 4 of the talk, Jason states that the biggest fear of a woman is that she will end up alone, which is why so many women compromise their sexuality in our utilitarian culture. She thinks that if she doesn't, how will anyone want her?
For the man, the fear is giving of himself - of initiating love and sticking with one woman. That's why many guys are satisfied with sexually intimate relationships that have no promise of ever leading to commitment; because why commit when women are willing to give sexual intimacy without commitment?
Now of course, at the end of the talk Jason concludes that if you want to have a relationship that leads to life long commitment and self-giving love, Theology of the Body is the way to live. I completely agree. But I guess I'd never thought about our current situation in the stark terms that Jason puts it. Meaning, that even "good men" have a hard time pursuing commitment in a world where the above is the norm. I guess I thought perhaps men who desired a holy Catholic marriage would be able to rise above this cultural confusion. But I'm starting to wonder...
Most of the men I've corresponded with for longer periods of time eventually demonstrated this same fear of commitment.
I personally would rather be alone than compromise myself for anything less than self-giving love. Because ultimately, as a beloved of God, I am not alone! I want to be a saint, and if that means being a "white martyr (as opposed to red) of a ultilitarian culture," so be it. I just wonder if there might be a few who want something MORE than the status quo out there? Are there like minded people on CM who want this same beautiful ideal of Christian marriage. What do you think?
Thank you for sharing this, Kristen. I feel that Jason really hit the nail on the head when he underscored how many couples are in a rush to tackle the physical aspect of the relationship before anything else, preventing them from ever developing friendship or even love in itself. Hook-ups, one-night-stands, and FWBs are extremely prevalent in our current society. It has come to the point where premarital sex is almost socially acceptable and lack of commitment is commonplace. Furthermore, a consistent point that I strongly agree with and that Jason returns to is how the absence of chastity negatively affects relationships and hinders spiritual growth.
I think the only aspect where he falls short is his view of a man and woman's mindset in a relationship. I wish it was fleshed out a bit more. And I think this is where all the discord and debate comes from in this thread. Although it is true that there are some men out there who are pigs and have no morals, the same could be said about some women. Additionally, I have known both Catholic men and women who settled because they did not believe they could find a good Catholic spouse - individuals who fell away from the church and decided to establish the physical aspect of a relationship before the spiritual one and foregoing friendship and true love.
The issue of commitment that he throws out there as a problem for men, is not gender specific, either. On both sides of the spectrum, there are faults that each gender share. In my dating experience, I have come across many women who were afraid of commitment. Some were just genuinely hurt by pigs before as Jason aptly described in his video. However, there were also those who like that because of their desire to find the perfect, idealized man, and others were like that because they did not believe in being chaste and were merely looking for FWBs.
To place the blame on a single gender was not the point of his discussion, and we must realize that the knife cuts both ways and examine our own lives instead of placing the blame on a specific gender. If a potential spouse does not believe in being chaste before marriage, then he or she is clearly not for you. In the end, we have free will that God graciously gave to us. It is not the fault of another person if we do not decide to be chaste, but our very own fault.
As for people on CM who have been single for a long time, I think that would be a separate topic as to why they're still single.
In retrospect, many of us, both men and women, are guilty of not wanting to be alone and are afraid of having to settle. Even though this is the case, we should never compromise our morals because of an irrational fear. Remember that God has plans for all of us.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."