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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Bernie-645443 said: Hi Kristen,

Many men here don't accept the responsibility that comes with free will, get derailed by the secular " journey is the goal " trap.

God's right man for you will be exercising free will in his choice to grow and expand himself every day to be worthy of you.
If I have learned anything in my 52 years of dealing with people, it is this: when it comes to sins and shortcomings of any kind, it works equally across both genders. To say that one or another gender does this or doesn't do that more or less than the other when it comes to whatever fault you can name is simply erroneous. It does no good to denigrate one or the other genders in these forums because in the final analysis, it isn't going to change behaviors of either who are both guilty of whatever grievance you can come up with. What we CAN do is understand that all people have shortcomings, and we are going to have to deal with them coming from whichever side we are on. Some people are going to have more or less of them, and some we are going to be able to live with, and some we are not. We can't look to a website or any other outlet in this world for our happiness or fulfillment, therefore we can't blame it (them) when it (they) fail(s) us. We ask our Lord for discernment of His will in our lives, and WE make the decision on the path that we go. Regardless of our circumstances, ultimately, our fulfillment is found in and through Jesus Christ, and not through the resultant of any choice that we make or don't make regarding matrimony. Just as in life, there are no guarantees with Catholic Match, as witnessed by the fact that there are people posting all the time in the forums who have been on and off of CM for more than a decade. Everything is in God's time, or at least, that is what people write in their profiles. Do they believe that? Have we really turned over our lives to God's will, or do we expect to get a return message every day from our future spouse because we peeked at someone's profile and expected a note that will lead to matrimony in 8 months?

In a way, I believe this website may be unfair because it is so easy to dismiss someone. You answer all of these questions in your profile, and if there is one thing that you don't like, you can dismiss that person and not have any communication with him/her. In real life, we see each other face to face, and we are attracted to the people that we like visually, and we start communicating and spending time with each other; over time we get to know them and if we are still seeing them after some weeks or months, it is usually because we enjoy their company and we have the same core beliefs and likes and dislikes... and one day we may find out something or things that we don't like, but maybe we already like that person so much it doesn't matter anymore, and we still pursue the relationship to its fruition in marriage. That's real life... for many, especially in the secular world today, and especially if you are still in college or just out. On CM, we can dismiss these people right away before we develop any attachment for a single "erroneous" entry, and is that not unfair? Maybe; I guess it depends on which side of the dejection you are on, and whether or not it would have lead to something more meaningful if you had just allowed yourself to take a chance, male or female.

Someone posted something about people being divorced for a long time as if that said something negative about a person. I have been separated and divorced for 20 years and I have my annulment for going on 16 years now. Does this say something negative about me in and of itself? I would like to know what that is. How does this say anything to anyone about me (or about anyone else) who does not know me personally? No one wants to be in a committed relationship more than I do, but having made the mistake once, as many of us have, it is difficult to proceed with a relationship when you see some of the same warning signs that you either missed or overlooked before. This goes for all of us, male and female. Is this what you call jaded? I would call it discernment from experience. It is the farthest think from unwillingness to take on responsibility, but rather, it is prudence and being responsible when you acknowledge that the facts outweigh your feelings. Oh how I sometimes wish I could just go out on the street and meet someone the way I did 30 years ago! But that way didn't work then; and it is far less likely to work that way now since the world owns so many souls now, though nothing is impossible for God.

For some, this is a difficult time being alone. We ARE all on the same spiritual journey, but if we truly believe as we should, that journey leads to heaven regardless of whether we make the journey with a spouse or go it alone. In the final analysis, marriage is not the end, in and of itself; heaven is; and in this life our guidance is to know, love and serve the Lord to spend eternity with Him in heaven.

Everyone here wants a self-giving, committed relationship; I have yet to meet (virtually) anyone who doesn't. God gives us free will and intellect to assist us, but we are to trust in Him by seeking and discerning His will for our lives. If we do that, then we should be content with where we are in this life with or without a spouse. We should be content because we are where God wants us to be at this time. Yes, we are on a "dating" website, and we have profiles that answer all these questions about who we are and who we are looking for in a spouse, and we have put ourselves out there for rejection or acceptance, but ultimately, we are discerning God's will for us in God's time, and if we are asking in prayer for the desires of our heart, and the answer is still no, then we should just keep on doing it until God answers in the affirmative, or we feel we are called to do something different.

Maybe, you think this is not a positive post, but I tell you that it is! Seeking and living by the will of God for your life is all that is necessary regardless of how badly we think we want a spouse. Because if we are doing that, we can rest assured we are doing all that we can do. I can tell you that makes me very happy and very content and not the least bit lonely. Life is not a secular journey; it's a spiritual one. Live in the spirit!

.

Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Larry-994477 said: Hi Kristen,
Love your needling cajoling. "When sin abounds grace abounds more." Do you believe? Let me hear an Amen!

Faith is believing even when we can't see it. And this is a case where I would lean back on a "Field of Dreams" and paraphase..."if you believe it, he will come". Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, not statistics, nor culture, nor popular wisdom nor even our own experience. The only thing that is really real or truly true, is the Love of God, which for me is manifested in the lives of men and women of faith. Perhaps the greatest miracle in our present day is that self-donating man or woman willing to give his life, his fortune, his all for his beloved. And I believe it is always a miracle. But in our world, such a miracle would be faith-affirming, hope-restoring, and love-transforming. To adapt Dun Scotus defense of the BVM immaculate Conception which was much more requiring of faith, "It is possible, it is fitting, therefore it is happening".

For myself, there can be no other type of relationship. I sadly had to face this dilemna and I chose utter self-donation. But the greater question for me is...Have I utterly donated myself to God's plan for my choice. Do I believe enough in His Love and providence for me. Do I surrender my sense of timing enough to patiently wait upon the Lord for the Beloved He has chosen for me? Do I love Him enough to die to the preconceptions, demands and selfish expectations of my human will in order to allow His Divine Will operate in this choice so that my union will be a Holy Marriage?

I believe that such faith will not only be rewarded by the appearance of equally pure and selfless mate, but that such a marriage will become a channel of grace for the world, a manifestation of God's Kingdom on earth.
You have my "AMEN", Larry.
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Kristen-878108 said: "unbridaled" - un-bride-aled. Freudian slip? Methinks so!
Lol! I didn't even notice! eyebrow laughing

Let the un-brides not be driven to ale as our fore-mothers did to drown our tears and lonliness weeping beer faint, but give a YES as our Lady did, as saint Joseph did! In the words of St. Therese "I choose love!" lovestruck!
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Jim-624621 said: Everyone here wants a self-giving, committed relationship; I have yet to meet (virtually) anyone who doesn't....

Maybe, you think this is not a positive post, but I tell you that it is! Seeking and living by the will of God for your life is all that is necessary regardless of how badly we think we want a spouse. Because if we are doing that, we can rest assured we are doing all that we can do. I can tell you that makes me very happy and very content and not the least bit lonely. Life is not a secular journey; it's a spiritual one. Live in the spirit!
Well, Jim, that is the most un-positive "positive" post I've ever seen. I thought the rest of the thread was actually pretty positive in itself since we were discussing how to live our lives now for Christ, not waiting around for our vocation to arrive. That's part of a self-giving committed relationship...which, incidentally, several men on here do not want. I only know because I talked to them. And just so we are clear, there isn't any gender bashing going on here. Someone made a simple observation on commitment-shy guys, and you are free to make one on committment-shy gals if you like! If my words have hurt/threatened anyone, that is an un-intentioned understanding in the mind of the reader only.

Do I want a husband? Yes! Am I unhappy right now because I don't have one? No! I'm totally fine, and it seems like those who have posted are too. I'm not panicking, nor is anyone else. Panicking gets you no where...and it's pretty much a slap in the face to God since it says "I don't trust you!!!"
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) John-917143 said: Thank you for sharing this, Kristen. I feel that Jason really hit the nail on the head when he underscored how many couples are in a rush to tackle the physical aspect of the relationship before anything else, preventing them from ever developing friendship or even love in itself. Hook-ups, one-night-stands, and FWBs are extremely prevalent in our current society. It has come to the point where premarital sex is almost socially acceptable and lack of commitment is commonplace. Furthermore, a consistent point that I strongly agree with and that Jason returns to is how the absence of chastity negatively affects relationships and hinders spiritual growth.

I think the only aspect where he falls short is his view of a man and woman's mindset in a relationship. I wish it was fleshed out a bit more. And I think this is where all the discord and debate comes from in this thread. Although it is true that there are some men out there who are pigs and have no morals, the same could be said about some women. Additionally, I have known both Catholic men and women who settled because they did not believe they could find a good Catholic spouse - individuals who fell away from the church and decided to establish the physical aspect of a relationship before the spiritual one and foregoing friendship and true love.

The issue of commitment that he throws out there as a problem for men, is not gender specific, either. On both sides of the spectrum, there are faults that each gender share. In my dating experience, I have come across many women who were afraid of commitment. Some were just genuinely hurt by pigs before as Jason aptly described in his video. However, there were also those who like that because of their desire to find the perfect, idealized man, and others were like that because they did not believe in being chaste and were merely looking for FWBs.

To place the blame on a single gender was not the point of his discussion, and we must realize that the knife cuts both ways and examine our own lives instead of placing the blame on a specific gender. If a potential spouse does not believe in being chaste before marriage, then he or she is clearly not for you. In the end, we have free will that God graciously gave to us. It is not the fault of another person if we do not decide to be chaste, but our very own fault.

As for people on CM who have been single for a long time, I think that would be a separate topic as to why they're still single.

In retrospect, many of us, both men and women, are guilty of not wanting to be alone and are afraid of having to settle. Even though this is the case, we should never compromise our morals because of an irrational fear. Remember that God has plans for all of us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


Hi John,

Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully to this thread!

I'm not sure exactly what discord you are referring to in this thread. I am sorry if my comments are coming off as such - it is merely a desire to understand. I personally do not think anyone on CM is a pig. Every man I've met on here is honorable and good - truly! But very hesitant, and that's what I'm trying to understand. Vytai just posted a thread about how many beautiful 7/7 women are on here. Perhaps that's part of the problem for people like me who live in the no man's land of small town Missouri! And those men whom I've communicated with have all been very hesitant too. I guess that's perhaps the hazard of looking for someone at my age. I have a feeling some of the things I am experiencing may not be your experience at the age of 23. Perhaps there is a bit more idealism yet!

I have the honor and pleasure of teaching the Theology of the Body classes to high school Juniors. This is my second year. And I have been edified and humbled by the beautiful openness of the young men to the content. They more than the girls who are the ones who are responding to the message! I can just see their hunger for the life-long commitment that this approach offers. I will admit, I probably am closer to these young people than I am to a middle aged person in my naive idealism - I was in the convent for more than a few years, so I haven't experienced the heart break that perhaps many have on this website. But if we who claim to believe in the LOVE THAT NEVER ENDS don't have the courage to embrace this call to Love by taking the risk of knowing someone with the hope that Love as Self-Gift will blossom, WHO WILL? I certainly am not on here to further hurt some poor man who has already suffered - I want to help to restore His hope in the Father's promises!! And in case we are unclear as to what those promises are - it is that we are loved, and are loved eternally by God; that He sent His own Son for us as an example and Savior. And that we are called to participate in that Love. In Christian Marriage we have the opportunity to image that self donating Love of the Trinity in the Love of husband, wife and family!

So the intent is not blame, but just wondering...if we who claim to believe are too fearful to step out in Faith...well, then how will the world have hope? If even Catholics and Christians are tepid in our Faith in Divine Love and our participation in it, how can we witness to a world that has often abandoned that selfless Love really exists?

So yes, there is no bad guy here - there are plenty of men and women one can point to as examples of bitterness and fear. But I hope that those of us on CM will be able to put our bitterness and fear aside one more time and take the risk to believe in LOVE!
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Dan-28682 said:

I would think that a self-giving, committed relationship falls under a Friendship of the Good. But how do you achieve this when we have a dating culture that identifies romantic love as a Friendship of Pleasure. In my opinion, these Friendships of Pleasure are often a hindrance to developing a deeper, more meaningful Friendship of the Good which is much more appropriate for the self-giving, committed relationship that one would want with a spouse.

You, my friend, have hit on something very profound here. Yes, Dan, I agree. I think a lot of modern relationships are stalled out in these first two categories! It is such an important reminder that regardless of the outcome, every interaction we have on here should be ordered to the good of the other! Thanks!
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Jim-624621 said: Everyone here wants a self-giving, committed relationship; I have yet to meet (virtually) anyone who doesn't. God gives us free will and intellect to assist us, but we are to trust in Him by seeking and discerning His will for our lives. If we do that, then we should be content with where we are in this life with or without a spouse. We should be content because we are where God wants us to be at this time. Yes, we are on a "dating" website, and we have profiles that answer all these questions about who we are and who we are looking for in a spouse, and we have put ourselves out there for rejection or acceptance, but ultimately, we are discerning God's will for us in God's time, and if we are asking in prayer for the desires of our heart, and the answer is still no, then we should just keep on doing it until God answers in the affirmative, or we feel we are called to do something different.

Maybe, you think this is not a positive post, but I tell you that it is! Seeking and living by the will of God for your life is all that is necessary regardless of how badly we think we want a spouse. Because if we are doing that, we can rest assured we are doing all that we can do. I can tell you that makes me very happy and very content and not the least bit lonely. Life is not a secular journey; it's a spiritual one. Live in the spirit!

.

Hi Jim,

You make a number of very good points! Truly! Rather than respond to them all, I will focus in on this part. It is probably the case that all of us would say in theory we want a self-giving committed relationship. I also agree that there needs to be basic contentment with life. But that is moreso for women for men, as we are not the pursuers! The lady doesn't have a lot of options than to sit by and try not to appear to be languishing as she waits for her knight in shining armor! I would hope the men would feel a bit less content with just sitting on the sidelines and waiting for a pretty lady to drop into his lap! I know I've probably already been written off as an angry shrew by some readers, but that is not at all my motivation for being a little provocative here! Even though women's lib has happened, there are more than a few of us ladies on here that want to respect the natural order of things. So I truly hope the men aren't here are NOT content with being alone! I hope this will encourage them to take the risk one more time to reach out to one of the super high quality ladies on this website, realize photos only capture about 70% of a woman's charms (I for one think I am more interesting in person!) and make yourself and some wonderful woman on here blessed!

Ladies, you can thank me later. biggrin

And please men, those of you who don't think I'm a shrew, Jefferson City is not as desolated as it may sound...please consider coming here to meet me! Battling eyelashes
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Larry-994477 said: Hi Kristen,
Love your needling cajoling. "When sin abounds grace abounds more." Do you believe? Let me hear an Amen!

Faith is believing even when we can't see it. And this is a case where I would lean back on a "Field of Dreams" and paraphase..."if you believe it, he will come". Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, not statistics, nor culture, nor popular wisdom nor even our own experience. The only thing that is really real or truly true, is the Love of God, which for me is manifested in the lives of men and women of faith. Perhaps the greatest miracle in our present day is that self-donating man or woman willing to give his life, his fortune, his all for his beloved. And I believe it is always a miracle. But in our world, such a miracle would be faith-affirming, hope-restoring, and love-transforming. To adapt Dun Scotus defense of the BVM immaculate Conception which was much more requiring of faith, "It is possible, it is fitting, therefore it is happening".

For myself, there can be no other type of relationship. I sadly had to face this dilemna and I chose utter self-donation. But the greater question for me is...Have I utterly donated myself to God's plan for my choice. Do I believe enough in His Love and providence for me. Do I surrender my sense of timing enough to patiently wait upon the Lord for the Beloved He has chosen for me? Do I love Him enough to die to the preconceptions, demands and selfish expectations of my human will in order to allow His Divine Will operate in this choice so that my union will be a Holy Marriage?

I believe that such faith will not only be rewarded by the appearance of equally pure and selfless mate, but that such a marriage will become a channel of grace for the world, a manifestation of God's Kingdom on earth.
Larry, as usual, you are the soothing voice of reason. AMEN! Thank you for recognizing my good natured "needling cajoling"! The lady who wins your heart is blessed indeed!
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) BrendaLea-1008401 said: After being widowed out of my marriage five months ago, I consecrated myself to Mary and placed myself under my son's protection. I haven't been here long enough to experience a lot of what I have been reading. I can say, very assuredly, that I do want a self-giving, committed relationship. I was married for 37 years and I loved it -not always minute by minute -but overall. I know that when I accept a courtship (different from dating) and have the blessing if my son and my daughters, the most beautiful gift that I can give my new husband is my purity. God promises us that he will give us the desires if our heart...I just believe that it will be in His perfect time and not in mine.

i am willing to "work for it"....checking that box.
Sounds beautiful, BrendaLea! I hope some good Catholic man will allow me and him the joy of experiencing the gift of such a relationship too! God bless!
Jan 7th 2014 new
(quote) Naomi-825244 said: Lol! I didn't even notice!

Let the un-brides not be driven to ale as our fore-mothers did to drown our tears and lonliness , but give a YES as our Lady did, as saint Joseph did! In the words of St. Therese "I choose love!"
Oooh...you just said the magic word...St. Therese lovestruck! Blinded by love I will provide the full quote here!!

"Since my longing for martyrdom was powerful and unsettling, I turned to the epistles of St. Paul in the hope of finally finding an answer. By chance the 12th and 13th chapters of the 1st epistle to the Corinthians caught my attention, and in the first section I read that not everyone can be an apostle, prophet or teacher, that the Church is composed of a variety of members, and that the eye cannot be the hand.Even with such an answer revealed before me, I was not satisfied and did not find peace.

"I persevered in the reading and did not let my mind wander until I found this encouraging theme: Set your desires on the greater gifts. And I will show you the way which surpasses all others. For the Apostle insists that the greater gifts are nothing at all without love and that this same love is surely the best path leading directly to God. At length I had found peace of mind.

"When I had looked upon the mystical body of the Church, I recognised myself in none of the members which St. Paul described, and what is more, I desired to distinguish myself more favorably within the whole body. Love appeared to me to be the hinge for my vocation. Indeed I knew that the Church had a body composed of various members, but in this body the necessary and more noble member was not lacking; I knew that the Church had a heart and that such a heart appeared to be aflame with love. I knew that one love drove the members of the Church to action, that if this love were extinguished, the apostles would have proclaimed the Gospel no longer, the martyrs would have shed their blood no more.I saw and realised that love sets off the bounds of all vocations, that love is everything, that this same love embraces every time and every place. In one word, that love is everlasting.

"Then, nearly ecstatic with the supreme joy in my soul, I proclaimed: O Jesus, my love, at last I have found my calling: my call is LOVE. Certainly I have found my place in the Church, and you gave me that very place, my God. In the heart of the Church, my mother, I will be LOVE, and thus I will be all things, as my desire finds its direction."
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