Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Bernadette-874299 said: Hello Patrick,

from my experience, telling a woman that you want to be friends is telling her that you're not ready for a relationship, but want to keep the door open to the possibility of one in the future. What she will be hearing is that you want her to sit on a shelf and wait for you to be ready, as though she has no other prospects. It's not meant as an insult (usually because timing or emotions aren't right), but women, as well as men can be very sensitive to things of this nature, so I can only guess that she cut off the friendship because she didn't want you believing that there was a possibility of a romantic relationship in the future because she wouldn't be waiting around. I'm not sure what to make of her flirtatious behavior, but I do know of people who, when trying to be friendly and happy around someone come off as flirty when that was never their intention. I hope this answers some questions for you and may help you to find closure.

God bless,
Bernadette~
I didnt expect her "to sit on shelf." She had every right to date somebody else. I just said that if I had known that there was another guy in the picture, who had serious relationship potential with her, perhaps I would have acted differently. The key word being "perhaps." It is what it is.

I said everything else I needed to say in my post so I really don't have anything to add. She is engaged and that is that. I am moving on.
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Bob-59786 said: If it's any consolation, I know how you feel.

Maybe it was best we didn't windup w/ our Cleveland GFs. She and I tried to resolve the situation, but I think that both of us, in our 20s, didn't realize how good we might have been for each other.

I don't know how she is now, and am very unlikely to ever learn that.
I don't have regrets for leaving Cleveland and I let more get away in Cincinnati.
I also have a strong feeling for my first girlfriend when I was 19; she was the younger sister of a friend in my high school class (she was 16).
Jan 17th 2014 new
A lot of these one-that-got-away stories date from many years back and are tinged with nosalgia. How about one that's only weeks old? Not to be a bore, but if you're really short of reading material biggrin , I invite you to consider this and send any comments or advice. As you will see, I am not sparing myself or the lady.
1. In September a woman on another match site messages me. She's roughly in my age group. I respond, we hit it off, but almost immediately agree that long-distance relationships (she lives 90 min. away by car) are not a good idea.
2. Nonetheless, we continue to chat, adding phone calls. I learn that she is twice-divorced, both husbands having cheated on her. Understandably, she says that honesty and loyalty are of the utmost importance to her. As far as honesty goes, we may have overdone it, keeping each other posted on our local dates. l'm anxious when she sees someone local, she feels the same about me. We meet. More phone calls. More than once I put down the phone saying to myself, "I have GOT to marry this woman". I tell her "I'm ready to shut down my profile and concentrate on you, let's agree to really give this a chance and work out the distance issue in good time". She says no to the closing of the profiles, she would not want to be responsible for me missing a chance. (Not saying you have to take that at face, but she said it). I leave my profile up. She has five successive dates with a gentleman but turns her face aside when he tries to kiss her. Taking the hint, he disappears. She doesn't email him any explanation but feels guilty about that.
3. We see each other a second time, eat, talk, kiss a little, but I leave with a profound sense of mixed signals. Among other things, her mother telephones her during the date and she says she's with 'a couple of friends'.
4. More phone calls, and emails, but slowly diminishing in number. On my side, I am affected in part by her saying that the distance really does seem to be an unresolvable problem, and by friends who infer from that that 'she's just not that into you'.
5. She needs work done on her house and hires a handyman with whom she'd had a passionate relationship 14 years earlier. She explains that as a woman living alone (empty-nester as well as divorcee) she doesn't feel comfortable hiring someone she doesn't know.; He does great work on the house and doesn't accept full payment. He tells her he has been recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. He asks her to dinner. In the circumstances she feels, well, a number of things, and accepts.
6. Last Thursday at 11:30 p.m. she emails me to say that she's kissed this guy, she's very confused, she wants my advice; she signs the email 'your friend'.
7. I phone back and, trying to be adult about this, ask her questions and point out things for her to think about. She says that while she feels 'chemistry' for me, she feels 'supreme chemistry' for the handyman, who incidentally is the only man with whom she ever had a fully satisfying sexual relationship, way back when. But she will always be honoured to be my friend and I can call her anytime. I reply: no, actually in the circumstances I'm more comfortable if you call me once whatever she has going with the handyman is over. Afterwards, feeling like a sucker, I write her a long email containing some real advice but also some hurt and bitter language -- exactly the sort of email one shouldn't write or at any rate send. But I am determined to send it.
8. A couple of days later we talk on the phone; She bursts into tears. She is so sorry to have hurt me. And she has just learned that the handyman's cancer has been placed at stage 3/4. He wants a relationship with her, it seems, but even more than that, he wants someone to stand by him closely until the end, and who can blame him? she confesses that she doesn't think she has the courage to be anywhere near as close to him as he would like. I apologize for my stupid letter and, beyond that, point out specifically how badly I'd misunderstood her. I add, "I don't want this to be our last call". We agree to speak again in a couple of days.
8. True to her word she calls. She has been to her therapist and knows she must tell the handyman that she will be a friend but no more. She does not withdraw her offer of friendship to me, but there is a certain distance between us. She says she'll keep me posted. I say that if I don't hear from her in about a week, I'll contact her.
9. Call me crazy if you like, but for the past few days I have all-but-convinced myself that she was (apart from my late wife, who died four years ago) the woman whom I loved most and stupidly allowed to get away, first by accepting our slow drift apart, and then by not simply supporting her as a friend when she reached out to me, but writing that stupid letter.
Yes, I fully realize that I sound about 58-going-on-14, I really do, and that she may not sound much older. I get that. Still, I feel heartbroken. I've already said, on another thread, that I tend to be attracted to 'birds with broken wings'. She had told me that, handyman or no handyman, she had never really felt the enveloping love she sensed was possible. I had told her that, having provided such a sense to my wife, I felt that it was one of the small number of things I am actually good at and wanted above all to ensure that she enjoyed that kind of fulfilment. (I put it better than that, believe me :)). Would I try again if she gave me a chance? Need you ask? :) But my prognosis is that things will peter out fairly quickly even on a friendship level. I also think (I know, I know -- cringe-inducing!) that I should write her a letter - supportive and as cheerful as I can make it, not sticky -- every week for the next year, unless she tells me to desist. And that in a year or three or five, she may reconsider.
I also realize that much of this narrative reflects a sub-Christian perspective, but (again as said elsewhere) my Catholic formation is as yet quite poor, though of long standing.
If anyone is still with me on this, and I can hardly blame you if you aren't, I'm interested in anything you have to say, raspberries and guffaws included. Many thanks!
Paul
Jan 17th 2014 new
Sorry, didn't proofread, I really can spell 'nostalgia', for example, and can even distinguish it from 'neuralgia'. To complete the week's catalogue of calamity, I fell on some of our good Canadian ice yesterday and type with some discomfort, though you'd never guess it, eh?
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: A lot of these one-that-got-away stories date from many years back and are tinged with nosalgia. How about one that's only weeks old? Not to be a bore, but if you're really short of reading material , I invite you to consider this and send any comments or advice. As you will see, I am not sparing myself or the lady.
1. In September a woman on another match site messages me. She's roughly in my age group. I respond, we hit it off, but almost immediately agree that long-distance relationships (she lives 90 min. away by car) are not a good idea.
2. Nonetheless, we continue to chat, adding phone calls. I learn that she is twice-divorced, both husbands having cheated on her. Understandably, she says that honesty and loyalty are of the utmost importance to her. As far as honesty goes, we may have overdone it, keeping each other posted on our local dates. l'm anxious when she sees someone local, she feels the same about me. We meet. More phone calls. More than once I put down the phone saying to myself, "I have GOT to marry this woman". I tell her "I'm ready to shut down my profile and concentrate on you, let's agree to really give this a chance and work out the distance issue in good time". She says no to the closing of the profiles, she would not want to be responsible for me missing a chance. (Not saying you have to take that at face, but she said it). I leave my profile up. She has five successive dates with a gentleman but turns her face aside when he tries to kiss her. Taking the hint, he disappears. She doesn't email him any explanation but feels guilty about that.
3. We see each other a second time, eat, talk, kiss a little, but I leave with a profound sense of mixed signals. Among other things, her mother telephones her during the date and she says she's with 'a couple of friends'.
4. More phone calls, and emails, but slowly diminishing in number. On my side, I am affected in part by her saying that the distance really does seem to be an unresolvable problem, and by friends who infer from that that 'she's just not that into you'.
5. She needs work done on her house and hires a handyman with whom she'd had a passionate relationship 14 years earlier. She explains that as a woman living alone (empty-nester as well as divorcee) she doesn't feel comfortable hiring someone she doesn't know.; He does great work on the house and doesn't accept full payment. He tells her he has been recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. He asks her to dinner. In the circumstances she feels, well, a number of things, and accepts.
6. Last Thursday at 11:30 p.m. she emails me to say that she's kissed this guy, she's very confused, she wants my advice; she signs the email 'your friend'.
7. I phone back and, trying to be adult about this, ask her questions and point out things for her to think about. She says that while she feels 'chemistry' for me, she feels 'supreme chemistry' for the handyman, who incidentally is the only man with whom she ever had a fully satisfying sexual relationship, way back when. But she will always be honoured to be my friend and I can call her anytime. I reply: no, actually in the circumstances I'm more comfortable if you call me once whatever she has going with the handyman is over. Afterwards, feeling like a sucker, I write her a long email containing some real advice but also some hurt and bitter language -- exactly the sort of email one shouldn't write or at any rate send. But I am determined to send it.
8. A couple of days later we talk on the phone; She bursts into tears. She is so sorry to have hurt me. And she has just learned that the handyman's cancer has been placed at stage 3/4. He wants a relationship with her, it seems, but even more than that, he wants someone to stand by him closely until the end, and who can blame him? she confesses that she doesn't think she has the courage to be anywhere near as close to him as he would like. I apologize for my stupid letter and, beyond that, point out specifically how badly I'd misunderstood her. I add, "I don't want this to be our last call". We agree to speak again in a couple of days.
8. True to her word she calls. She has been to her therapist and knows she must tell the handyman that she will be a friend but no more. She does not withdraw her offer of friendship to me, but there is a certain distance between us. She says she'll keep me posted. I say that if I don't hear from her in about a week, I'll contact her.
9. Call me crazy if you like, but for the past few days I have all-but-convinced myself that she was (apart from my late wife, who died four years ago) the woman whom I loved most and stupidly allowed to get away, first by accepting our slow drift apart, and then by not simply supporting her as a friend when she reached out to me, but writing that stupid letter.
Yes, I fully realize that I sound about 58-going-on-14, I really do, and that she may not sound much older. I get that. Still, I feel heartbroken. I've already said, on another thread, that I tend to be attracted to 'birds with broken wings'. She had told me that, handyman or no handyman, she had never really felt the enveloping love she sensed was possible. I had told her that, having provided such a sense to my wife, I felt that it was one of the small number of things I am actually good at and wanted above all to ensure that she enjoyed that kind of fulfilment. (I put it better than that, believe me :)). Would I try again if she gave me a chance? Need you ask? :) But my prognosis is that things will peter out fairly quickly even on a friendship level. I also think (I know, I know -- cringe-inducing!) that I should write her a letter - supportive and as cheerful as I can make it, not sticky -- every week for the next year, unless she tells me to desist. And that in a year or three or five, she may reconsider.
I also realize that much of this narrative reflects a sub-Christian perspective, but (again as said elsewhere) my Catholic formation is as yet quite poor, though of long standing.
If anyone is still with me on this, and I can hardly blame you if you aren't, I'm interested in anything you have to say, raspberries and guffaws included. Many thanks!
Paul
" Don't cry for me Argentina." Are you still talking with her?
Jan 17th 2014 new
"Argentina"? - you are detecting, um, a note of self-pity? Here I thought it was honest pain....
The last conversation in that email is the last I've had -- I would still have to wait several days or a week before calling or writing, I think.
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: "Argentina"? - you are detecting, um, a note of self-pity? Here I thought it was honest pain....
The last conversation in that email is the last I've had -- I would still have to wait several days or a week before calling or writing, I think.
rose biggrin I didn't say anything about self-pity did I? I really think you are a neato new member.

So, you are still talking with her. Hmm......take this lightly, for I am not trying to condemn you, but you should be not be kissing her. Secondly, you need to forget it, and stop talking with her. She isn't good for you. She is leading you on, and she knows it.
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Cindy-534370 said: I didn't say anything about self-pity did I? I really think you are a neato new member.

So, you are still talking with her. Hmm......take this lightly, for I am not trying to condemn you, but you should be not be kissing her. Secondly, you need to forget it, and stop talking with her. She isn't good for you. She is leading you on, and she knows it.
Apologies if I was unclear! but the kissing (very little) and any leading-on was back in November, which right now feels like the 13th century; now all I'm being offered, it seems, is a keep-in-touch friendship which is probably sincere enough but doesn't amount to much. My hope, whether well-founded or not, wise or foolish, is that this could deepen again with time. "You need to forget it" may be the correct advice, but something in me is resisting it.
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: Apologies if I was unclear! but the kissing (very little) and any leading-on was back in November, which right now feels like the 13th century; now all I'm being offered, it seems, is a keep-in-touch friendship which is probably sincere enough but doesn't amount to much. My hope, whether well-founded or not, wise or foolish, is that this could deepen again with time. "You need to forget it" may be the correct advice, but something in me is resisting it.
: Oh Paul, you are a dear one. I love your patience and honesty! rose
However, all I can say for now is your going to have to stay in the 13th century and please stock up on candles, so you have some light.
Jan 17th 2014 new
biggrin I forgot one more thing, the church does not want any kissing!!!!
Posts 61 - 70 of 83