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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 21st 2014 new
Hi Lauren, if I haven't said this already, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

Not to work this point to death, but doesn't the example you provide support my side of the argument rather than yours? You write: "We look at profiles and think oh wow he/she likes this or that, they think this or that, we should be a good match --- but then you can't even get a hello from them". Exactly. It doesn't matter what they say they're looking for or what they write on their profile -- if you respond and they don't feel any affinity or chemical tug, you often won't even get a hello. People don't always know what's best for them,but at any given point they do tend to know what they want even if they can't articulate it. So two guys say hi to the same woman and she knows pretty directly "THAT's the one who interests me". And the other guy should just swallow his disappointment and move on.

I should say that I DID once talk a woman into a nearly two-year relationship. More accurately, I talked her into a one-year relationship, and after a pause, back into it for another six months or so. Then I made the pitch for marriage, she freaked out (her previous marriage, many years before, had been traumatic) and dropped me by email. I called her and said "Sorry, after nearly two years an email dump is just not acceptable, I'll take you out for a bite and you can dump me in person if you really want to". She agreed, we met, I made my (tactfully revised) pitch again, she said she'd think about it, and sent another 'no' email three days later. I'm not bitter about it -- she's a good person, just, um, a bird with a broken wing -- but I present this little tale as Exhibit A in support of the case that you just can't keep someone interested in you, whatever you do, and that most effort in this direction is simply misdirected. From one point of view, I could be said to have thrown away two years -- under the mistaken belief that if I only said or did the right thing, all would work out. Now I see that I was in the passenger seat to a much greater extent than I'd realized.


Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: Hi Lauren, if I haven't said this already, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

Not to work this point to death, but doesn't the example you provide support my side of the argument rather than yours? You write: "We look at profiles and think oh wow he/she likes this or that, they think this or that, we should be a good match --- but then you can't even get a hello from them". Exactly. It doesn't matter what they say they're looking for or what they write on their profile -- if you respond and they don't feel any affinity or chemical tug, you often won't even get a hello. People don't always know what's best for them,but at any given point they do tend to know what they want even if they can't articulate it. So two guys say hi to the same woman and she knows pretty directly "THAT's the one who interests me". And the other guy should just swallow his disappointment and move on.

I should say that I DID once talk a woman into a nearly two-year relationship. More accurately, I talked her into a one-year relationship, and after a pause, back into it for another six months or so. Then I made the pitch for marriage, she freaked out (her previous marriage, many years before, had been traumatic) and dropped me by email. I called her and said "Sorry, after nearly two years an email dump is just not acceptable, I'll take you out for a bite and you can dump me in person if you really want to". She agreed, we met, I made my (tactfully revised) pitch again, she said she'd think about it, and sent another 'no' email three days later. I'm not bitter about it -- she's a good person, just, um, a bird with a broken wing -- but I present this little tale as Exhibit A in support of the case that you just can't keep someone interested in you, whatever you do, and that most effort in this direction is simply misdirected. From one point of view, I could be said to have thrown away two years -- under the mistaken belief that if I only said or did the right thing, all would work out. Now I see that I was in the passenger seat to a much greater extent than I'd realized.


Hi Paul,

you are right that example supports your position. But, I do not believe it is always the way it is. I know there are a number of guys and girls that I would be able to engage and correspond with outside this venue. I think this venue establishes an a priori assumption that if one makes contact then they are engaging in a relationship whether they want one with this person or not -- after all it takes some corresponding and engaging to know whether you want to know this person platonically, romantically or not all. It's the only thing that makes sense to me, in how this plays out.

It reminds me of my oldest daughter being asked to go to the movies by a boy. She asked me, If I go does that mean I have to be his girlfriend. . .I laughed but she was serious because today that is how it works, which is why we have week long romances, high drama and another week long romance. . .

I think the same mentality lurks here and is detrimental to getting to know each other. That's why I think some type of just for fun ice breaking encounters would be fun -- no expectations or assumptions just A meeting B and C meeting X. . .

If someone is interested in you, then you can do things to maintain that interest. Going for days without some communication, never having time to meet up, etc are all detrimental to a relationship budding or established.

If someone is lukewarm, being a little persistent without being creepy can pay off, I think, I've seen it happen in real life.

So you may be right that it is such a "rare occurrence not to be hoped for" but I would rather be hopeful :-). And, I would love, love, love to get the assumptions out of the way. Just say hello, hello, hello -- you say goodbye and I say hello. . . hey isn't that a Beatles song?
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Lauren-927923 said: If someone is lukewarm, being a little persistent without being creepy can pay off, I think, I've seen it happen in real life.

Well, that's encouraging....you know, part of the reason why I state my positions forcibly is in the hope that someone will step up and show me why I'm wrong. (Remember the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz? "Just one more thing......talk me out of it!"). So while I won't surrender my hard-won view, I'll keep yours in my back pocket, too. :)
Just for clarity: I do think that everything I've said here about women's reactions to men applies vicey-versy, too. But the subject heading was "Keeping HER interested in you...."
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: Well, that's encouraging....you know, part of the reason why I state my positions forcibly is in the hope that someone will step up and show me why I'm wrong. (Remember the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz? "Just one more thing......talk me out of it!"). So while I won't surrender my hard-won view, I'll keep yours in my back pocket, too. :)
Just for clarity: I do think that everything I've said here about women's reactions to men applies vicey-versy, too. But the subject heading was "Keeping HER interested in you...."
Well Paul, I hope that real life challenges your view and disabuses you of the notion :-)
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) William-888220 said: Hello everyone, just wanted to see what your opines are on this topic. What key things can we as men say or do to keep the lady interested in us? In my opinion, I think it is asking about her parents, and seeing to her well-being, and offering any advice I can to help along way. Also, having things in common, and being able to expand on that theme, while also demonstrating you are good person, and that with her you will be an even more refined man. I do have my flaws, and that with her being interested in me, gives me the clarity to see what is really important. I want to be the best person I can be, so ladies one and all, I beech you to aid in this endeavor to help not just me, but all men here to be in touch with the lady's needs and being.
Others have definitely given valuable and somewhat deep input. I am not sure if I am really adding or just rephrasing here but
Please.. First and foremost be yourself.
Being some other person you think she wants you to be may keep her interested until you've made it to the altar but it traps two people in a lifelong disaster.
Yourself is the only person you can be long term and if you try to be anyone else you are unfair first to yourself...God does not make junk...and also to her...she deserves to decide in freedom...
Anyway I think all the other posters have something valid to say as long as the foundation is being yourself and following your own heart and well formed conscience. And yes like someone else has already said ..it works both ways.
Sorry that I do not have the way with words that some of my dear brothers and sisters here do.
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Cindy-959808 said: Others have definitely given valuable and somewhat deep input. I am not sure if I am really adding or just rephrasing here but
Please.. First and foremost be yourself.
Being some other person you think she wants you to be may keep her interested until you've made it to the altar but it traps two people in a lifelong disaster.
Yourself is the only person you can be long term and if you try to be anyone else you are unfair first to yourself...God does not make junk...and also to her...she deserves to decide in freedom...
Anyway I think all the other posters have something valid to say as long as the foundation is being yourself and following your own heart and well formed conscience. And yes like someone else has already said ..it works both ways.
Sorry that I do not have the way with words that some of my dear brothers and sisters here do.
For my two cents you put it beautifully.
To be fair to the originator of this thread, I don't think the question was whether one should construct a 'false self' to enchant the target, but simply what one could do (consistent with one's own integrity) to keep interest from fading. that's how I read it, anyway. And even within that framework, my pessimistic conclusion was that there was little you could do if the person wasn't already very interested in you. But now that Lauren has gently rebuked me, I will try to at least leave the door ajar to a more optimistic view :)
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: For my two cents you put it beautifully.
To be fair to the originator of this thread, I don't think the question was whether one should construct a 'false self' to enchant the target, but simply what one could do (consistent with one's own integrity) to keep interest from fading. that's how I read it, anyway. And even within that framework, my pessimistic conclusion was that there was little you could do if the person wasn't already very interested in you. But now that Lauren has gently rebuked me, I will try to at least leave the door ajar to a more optimistic view :)
Whew I am so glad I didn't have to get the hammer out and konk you on the head to make you forget your pessimistic views :-)). . . know that I merely jest but I am pleased you will try to be a little more optimistic. You might be very surprised with what can occur
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Lauren-927923 said: Whew I am so glad I didn't have to get the hammer out and konk you on the head to make you forget your pessimistic views :-)). . . know that I merely jest but I am pleased you will try to be a little more optimistic. You might be very surprised with what can occur
Actually, I shouldn't be that surprised, since I had a wonderful 13-year marriage to a woman who didn't even realize that our first date was a date. So if I dig back far enough I too can find grounds for optimism. (She, by the way, was among other things the woman who led me to baptism). But she wasn't really an exception to my rule or pseudo-rule, because her interest in me DID develop quickly and she did take steps to make it clear. If that interest hadn't been there, I could not have done anything to 'keep her interested in me'. The secret ingredient here, to tell you the truth, was that her first husband was such an ogre that I looked PERFECT by comparison. And by the time she found out the truth, it was too late~! :)
Jan 21st 2014 new
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." - Partners for Purity.
Jan 21st 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: For my two cents you put it beautifully.
To be fair to the originator of this thread, I don't think the question was whether one should construct a 'false self' to enchant the target, but simply what one could do (consistent with one's own integrity) to keep interest from fading. that's how I read it, anyway. And even within that framework, my pessimistic conclusion was that there was little you could do if the person wasn't already very interested in you. But now that Lauren has gently rebuked me, I will try to at least leave the door ajar to a more optimistic view :)
Thanks for the kind words but if I came across as implying that a specific individual was planning on pretense.. and I must have to some extent.. Then I was at least partially clumsy in my wording.
I just get nervous when we start asking how to interest each other or hold each other's interest....
And while the originator of the thread seems to be a very open individual in his posts in general and therefore I would hope would not tend toward pretense, many will read the thread....
and it is so easy to lead even ourselves astray by trying too hard for something we so want to "work" that we don't even realize we are leaving a part of ourselves behind in the process..
and yet I think that we have lost in our modern society those "life lessons", if you will, for both parties about courtship and it is so valuable to have these forums so we can learn wisdom from each other... I think that perhaps a few generations ago these things were passed on more explicitly than they have been more recently...some of the specific things for example that were mentioned by Rachael and Lauren...
I know that I have learned a great deal here in the forums
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