First-Date Debate: To Kiss Or Not To Kiss?


Is it a good idea to kiss on the first date?

CatholicMatch prides itself in the dynamic, supportive community it provides members. One way it achieves this is by hosting 40 forums (private discussion rooms), each dedicated to a specific topic. St. Joseph’s Room is for job seekers and career builders. St. Thomas Aquinas’ Room is always buzzing with theological discussion. And Abraham & Sarah’s Room is for members who are 45 and older. (We’re not saying you’re old; we’re just saying you’re wiser and more experienced than younger members.)

Carl-111594 recently started a lively discussion in the Tobias & Sara Room, where single life is discussed, posting a thread titled “Kissing on the first F2F [face-to-face date].” It has elicited 200 replies – and counting – and 1,434 views.

As to Carl’s question, the jury is still out. Many women said they were fine with a first-date smooch. “If the spark is there, go for it!” wrote Megan-21150. “There is the ‘look’ in your eyes that says she is receptive,” Glynne-385398 added.

Others expressed hesitance. MaryAlice-97161 said that’s “way too early,” and Tiffany-179390 admitted she’s shy. “On my last F2F, the guy asked me at the end if I’d be OK with a hug or a handshake,” she wrote, “and even though I’m nuts about him, I went for a handshake.”

What do you think?



  1. Carolyn-523975 September 20, 2010 Reply

    I dont think there’s anything necessarily wrong with it, but drawing from a personal experience, i think kissing on a first date poses two threats: 1)it can lessen that romantic suspense that makes the new relationship so fun, and 2)it can create a feeling of emotional attachment that can cloud one’s judgment if there’s not a deeper attachment in place yet. Thoughts?

    • Vincent-445191 September 20, 2010 Reply

      The suspense is awesome and one of the best parts of a new relationship. I don’t know about my judgement being clouded by a kiss, but I have gotten first date kisses that apparently meant nothing because she never returned my calls for a second date.

    • Carl-111594 September 21, 2010 Reply

      A kiss is very meaningful for some and not as meaningful for others. lt would be nice if both are at the same page and at the same time.

      Extreme emotion or deep passion can sometimes impair good judgment … or at least common sense! lol!

    • Rebecca-537267 October 23, 2010 Reply

      i absolutely agree with carolyn, the suspense works and builds an anticipation of the future with the person, hence allowing the first kiss to be ever so special when it does happen and allows those lovely sparks to fly everywhere! perhaps you are even more certain to want to be closer with him/her. Thanks carolyn for your response

    • Jenna-801369 December 14, 2011 Reply

      First kisses are so special and I think should be saved for those in courtship or in a relationship. Too often kisses can lose meaning especially if given away too easily. At least from my own experience, I have allowed too many first kisses to people that I wasn’t interested in out of fear of hurting their feelings. I thought since they got the nerve to kiss me I could at least be kind and not crush their confidence they just mustered up, however, now that I am a little more older and mature, it’d be better to be kind and let them know how I feel. They deserve that at least.

    • Anchang-989770 July 15, 2013 Reply

      I think u are very right Carol

  2. Frances-26250 September 20, 2010 Reply

    I’d sort it out using the Theology of the Body. There shoul be some chaste reticence. Even if a couple have emailed and called for a time, how about getting to know a person in their presence for a while? Even with calls and emails one still does not know the person fully. Plus, as Carolyn-523975 so aptly states, it can cloud the judgement. Its easier to detach and move on with one’s heart intact when there is less language of forever going on. Kissing is meant to be part of the Language of Love. I think when one waits, even with kissing, it shows greater respect for oneself and seriousness of mind. And let’s be honest, can also prevent mutual usery or lust. After not knowing this in my younger years, but learning it from the Theology of the Body, I now feel freer to have a holy boundary. I find its nicer, more easy going and helps us get to know each other less sexually and more platonically — even if the charge is still there. I wish more people would think it ok NOT to kiss until engaged. I used to think this was crazy but, have learned with experience to now guard my heart and soul. I have heard that some save the first kiss for the altar. I no longer hate this idea but love it. I’ve had friends do this and they did not suffer by it but seemed all the better for it. Guess I was wrong to hate that idea of even holding off on a first kiss. They reassured me that the chemistry is there, big time and did not need to be tested out. Its THERE. So, now, I’m a reformed kisser and a believer in waiting for that special seal of our relationship.

    • Lauren-488188 September 22, 2010 Reply

      I totally agree with you Frances 🙂

      • Clare-927179 January 6, 2013 Reply

        Its so good to hear that there old fashioned people out there with true values.

    • Rebecca-537267 October 23, 2010 Reply

      just read francis’ comment, you hit the nail on the nob and just added nicely to carolynn’s point. great response ladies!

    • Kevin-727908 November 24, 2011 Reply

      Sorry, I read all the folks agreeing with you, Frances, but you are much too cerebral about kissing! There are kisses…and there are kisses! A kiss need not be sexual, obviously! I kiss my kids (I have 8 and we are very affectionate and physical in my family), obviously not on the lips. But, If you make a connection with a person, seal it with a kiss if it feels comfortable and right. Do you really believe in Grace and the presence of the Holy Spirit? Be guided by the Spirit within. A very warm and sicere hug and a little kiss, what sort of prude would think this is lustful and sexual? I remember very well kissing my wife on our first date. It was splendid, and I think I knew then we would be married. I hipe I will have the same experience again one of these daqys (widowed year and half…and lonely).

    • Claudia-463099 December 3, 2011 Reply

      I really like the idea of waiting until the Altar to kiss, but I think both would have to be in agreement. As far as kissing on the first date, well, it’s probably nicer to wait and extend the suspense!!! 🙂

    • Missy-737093 April 18, 2012 Reply

      Love your answer Frances! Thanks! =)

    • Regina-829052 June 5, 2012 Reply

      I agree with you Frances-26250.

    • Chris-884317 August 27, 2012 Reply

      I’m a reformed Kisser myself 🙂 I’m not there. I do hope to wait for that passionate kiss to be given to my wife, should God so bless me.

    • Anna-894019 October 7, 2012 Reply

      hi Frances i like this idea, but should have told me before! becouse now its too late!! hahaha just kidding…im Polish and i love that your point of reference is Theology of the body, of JOHN PAUL 2:) im so proud of him and so proud of being Polish thanks to Him!
      as for me – the longer you wait with everything the better it is.
      its beautiful to save all the most special things for the most special moment!!!
      i think its possibile with catholic man only who think same as you, but catholic those real pure one good ones are so difficult to find, i dont know how its with women but for me as a woman its extremly difficult to find catholic guy who think same and agree with me on everything ,just like i agree with whole church;s teaching. and i live in Poland which is consider very catholic country 99% are catholic, but believe me, they dont want chastity, i have known many catholic who do all things – go church go communions confessions do even pray, they say they are catholics, but they dont accpect chastity well at least thier live shows it….to say that you are catholic and to not only go church but stay pure until wedding day that is completely different stuff and its making whole difference! just find me that guys who are like that…are they alive ? they exist? is there at leastt one pure left in this world?

      • Leta-703485 November 24, 2012 Reply

        I completely agree with you Anna. You made a great point..

      • Clare-927179 January 6, 2013 Reply

        I agree with every word and feel your pain. Lets hear from some of the guys: Are you guys virgins? Any of your friends? Do they really exist? Thanks.

    • Dave-930012 January 2, 2013 Reply

      Your answer is great Frances! What you’re advocating for is something that is not an easy task, but it just sounds right. I don’t live in my place of birth anymore, but back home we men were not able to kiss a girl unless you let her know that you’re interested in a serious relationship (basically we have to tell her that she’s the love of our life). Unfortunately, things are changing over there and people are starting to follow the North American style more and more often (i.e. no love declaration before kissing)

  3. John-143853 September 21, 2010 Reply

    Frances, I really liked your answer and agree with you. There needs to be a time to really get to know someone. Even if the chemistry is right there, it will be there later on. Time proves whether this is the one. As Vincent stated sometimes it is more a reaction then a real thought.

  4. Andrew-403085 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I think it depends on what the eys are saying. LOL

  5. Elizabeth-51838 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I think it was very sweet that Josh Duggar of the Duggars family (19 kids and counting) saved his 1st kiss for his wedding day.

    Is there anyone here that would be willing to wait that long? That would take dedication and self control.

    • Ellen-813688 May 6, 2013 Reply

      I thought that was pretty amazing, too. It’s definitely an interesting idea. I had never heard of that pre-Josh and Anna. That family really offers encouragement to Christians.

  6. Carlos-342100 September 21, 2010 Reply

    First-date kiss? No. Next question…

  7. Carl-111594 September 21, 2010 Reply

    lt was a fun thread! There were as many different answers as there are snow flake designs! lol!!!

  8. Donna-353080 September 21, 2010 Reply

    As to kissing on the first date: I believe it would be wiser to get to know the person better first. You may be risking getting emotionally involved too soon, besides, what’s the rush?

  9. David-202563 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I believe that men and women both feel a sense of, for lack of a better word, aggression if they find something special about the person they are meeting. I believe that it is fine but the key is to know when it is acceptable for each party or else both people will get hurt and no one wants to get hurt!

  10. Ronald-603924 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I am a coward, I think I woulkd wait, not sure thats wise, us older guys may not be around if we wait to long. But then I have not yet made a real connection, so what would I know.

    • Jackie-613484 September 23, 2010 Reply

      I think it’s okay to wait for that first kiss regardless of your age. A nice hug will let someone know that you are interested. Sharing anything as personal as a kiss should be saved for later. I think both sexes can respect that.

  11. Paul-444405 September 21, 2010 Reply

    The third dates seems to be the magic time if there are any sparks.

  12. Stephanie-434170 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I think a hug is great on First date a smooch might be too soon!

    • Jacqueline-602401 September 21, 2010 Reply

      For a first date, i think both parties should go slow and communicate/have fun/laughter while you
      establish friendship.
      A hug and or hand shake is just appropriate.

    • Ellen-813688 May 6, 2013 Reply

      I’m a hugger. I tend to hang back from kissing on the first date.

  13. Sharon-620069 September 21, 2010 Reply

    I’ve recently been introduced to a term called “emotional intelligence” which is the ability to delay gratification and not live at the mercy of impulse. I personally like the idea of letting a bit of suspense build.

  14. Frank-580260 September 21, 2010 Reply

    Each person is different. You can’t say one way or another if kissing is a good idea on a first date.
    I think the best idea is to hold off on this until you mutually feel the time is right. Or, if given outright permission to do so, (ask of course).

    • Frank-580260 September 22, 2010 Reply

      Sharon, I like that idea of emotional intelligence too! Delaying gratification brings more value to the experience!

    • Therese-667519 January 3, 2011 Reply

      I love all the variety of answers…everyone has valid points. But I just have to say after 40 years with my husband I was not ready to kiss anyone else when we were no longer together. When I did meet someone where there were “sparks or chemistry” as we say…I was really impressed when he was open to talking, asked for the visit himself and after awhile chatting…he held my hand…now that tells me he is a very patient man and I respected him for that and wanted to see him again… we did and I think that was a very valid lesson in getting “my feet wet” again…I definetly wasn’t ready for anything else then…thoughts anyone?

  15. Joann-451185 September 22, 2010 Reply

    i think it’s up to the parties themselveswhat they decide….

  16. William-612286 September 22, 2010 Reply

    I think a kiss on the first date is too early. There are feelings involved with a kiss that start a premature connection, and the feelings are fleshly related.
    In Jesus-Bill

  17. Corinna-623958 September 22, 2010 Reply

    I don’t think kissing on a first date is a good idea. The point of dating is to test a person to find out if you want to marry them and if you’re going around kissing everyone after only the first date when you still don’t know them that well then it will be harder to make good judgement of the person.

  18. Linda-372233 September 22, 2010 Reply

    I had the same experience as Vincent. First date where he kissed me 4 times and then didn’t want another date! From his profile he seemed to be a good Christian man. Not sure what that was all about. I took it as he had interest in me, but I guess for some, it is just something they do without too much thought. I think going forward I would abstain from a kiss on the first date.

  19. Geovanny-551796 September 22, 2010 Reply

    I usually wait till the 2nd or 3rd date to get to know the person so my mind is open.
    Its bad enough when desires kick in. The more you know the person the kiss is worth the wait for the right person.

  20. Michael-405402 September 22, 2010 Reply

    I would say that a kiss or not to kiss decision is more than likely fine, especially if it’s after several non face to face communications. Then again, there are kisses and there are KISSES. My first would probably be at first greeting (if I have met this person several times by email), and it would be a kiss. If, at the end of the date we hit it off, I would end the date with a KISS. No issue whatsoever.

  21. Karen-629003 September 23, 2010 Reply

    I personally don’t kiss on a first date. But I guess It just depends on how long you’ve talked to the person and if the mood is right. I just think you would have something for them to look forward to on a 2nd date if you didn’t. And you should get to know them more before you regret the kiss.

  22. Carlos-167015 September 24, 2010 Reply

    I have to agree with Carolyn. Even though a kiss is a great thing for me it means a great deal so why spoil getting to know someone by something reserved for a more advanced stage. I think both need to feel comfortable with each other. After all dating someone for the first time still makes you a stranger to that person.

    • Grace-413040 September 24, 2010 Reply

      To me keeping someone in suspense for kissing at first date is crucial for the realization of the true personality of the person involved.This also preserves human dignity especially for women.

  23. David-621713 September 24, 2010 Reply

    Hi….I say, yes, if the “spirit moves you”, why not….but you should ALWAYS get your partner’s approval before making any move……God Bless, D

  24. Lisa-624030 September 26, 2010 Reply

    It depends on the compatability.. If both are receptive it will come naturally.

    • Christopher-405450 September 29, 2010 Reply

      I like the replies I’m reading. I noticed one person asking if anyone would be willing to wait until their wedding day. I would have to say “YES.”

      I used to date a lot when I was younger, always had to have a girlfriend. I was raised in the protestant tradition, bouncing from one denomination to another fairly regularly. To make a long story short, when I was 16 (in 1997 lol!) my parents started on their road toward divorce and I decided then that I wasn’t going to date again until I had my life together and could know that I was building on the right foundation. In 2008 I was confirmed Catholic, and ever since then my life and perspective of marriage, religious devotion, and God have continued to change more and more, for the better.

      I get attached someone if I’m around them often. I made the decision when I was 16 not to get attached again until I was doing it once and for all. Digging my way out of a troubled past has been a long hard road. I’m 29 now and yes, I WILL wait until my wedding day to kiss the bride. (that’s 13 years not even holding hands!!!!) It’s true that I want my marriage to be pure and sacred, but the older I get and the more ready I feel to pursue a relationship, the more enchanting the whole thing seems. I think you can set your own level of “enchantment” for your marriage by the standards you set.

      There’s just something romantic, enchanting… almost ROYAL, about waiting. Like being betrothed.

      I don’t know lol. Perhaps that’s just me. God bless everyone 🙂

  25. Sean-126610 September 30, 2010 Reply

    Good blog! Agree with Frances and Bob; think its a good idea to wait either for engagement or marriage for the first kiss, and yes there is also the issue of health, both HPV and herpes simplex can be transmitted by kissing. Blessings!

    • Marie-358484 October 9, 2010 Reply

      You’ve got that right Sean! Oh boy could that ruin a good date! Maybe we should have the other checked for that issue pre-kiss how about? It’s OK to be pathaphobic if you know what’s really out there for possible unfriendly issues to occur. I even wash my fruits & veggies first by spraying them with hydrogen peroxide, then rinse in cold, spraying them with vinegar, then rinse in cold which kills any potential living bacteria plus cleans off any poisons like insecticides.

  26. Allie-605523 October 1, 2010 Reply

    I would rather wait… a long time! I too would be afraid of getting too involved and making bad decisions…

  27. Olivia-460604 October 8, 2010 Reply

    I agree with most about not kissing on the first date and waiting until you build a strong connection; but why wait until marriage just to kiss? Can you share reasons why you feel this way. Thanks 🙂

  28. Marie-358484 October 9, 2010 Reply

    As long as he could contain himself and not lose control.

    Supposedly men have a more difficult time with this and due to that reasoning my brother who was in the seminary for 8 years says it’s a no no previous to marriage since women are the base & beginning of all evil. I’ve found no rules in any of the Catholic dogma i’ve read on it so far so stand by my first comment.

    How often with anyone on CM are there relationships that don’t start with meeting face to face for at least the first year or two anyway? That might make a difference if it had grown enough that the two really knew one another and how to protect one another spiritually.

  29. Rita-634091 October 9, 2010 Reply

    I think its way too early to kiss on a first date.

    • John-599355 January 2, 2011 Reply

      i gave my deceased wife what i thought would be a 1 second kiss,well that kiss lasted 45 minutes and resulted in a beautiful 40 year marriage with 5 kids.she was the first girl i ever kissed,

  30. Julia-592990 October 12, 2010 Reply

    Totally agree with Frances.
    Once i got an article from Bo Sanchez, and he said he and his wife, when dating, made an agreement to not even kiss each other and safe it til marriage. He said they did the agreement, so that, if in case they ‘slipped’, they won’t slip ‘too further’. It’s a very good advise. I want to do it when i have a date. Amen.

    • Helen-869828 August 24, 2012 Reply

      Wow. I felt amazed to realize that there are lots of women and some men who prefer to wait for the right person before they give their long awaited KISS. I thought it is impossible in this day and age. I like the idea anyway.

  31. Jennifer-629085 October 15, 2010 Reply

    I have seen several responses to this debate. I do agree that waiting to kiss until after the first date, does definitely add to the suspense and if they really do want to kiss you, they’ll wait and come back for a second date. However, there is something to be said for a kiss on the cheek. Like many European cultures, kissing ones cheek in greeting/goodbye is just a sign of respect and friendship. In my opinion, a kiss on the cheek is not technically a kiss, but it does let the other party know that you may be open to a real kiss one day. A handshake after a nice date where you hit it off very well might be misunderstood or mistaken for disinterest. It is important to show restraint and self-respect, therefore a kiss on the cheek or on the hand on the first date might be an acceptable alternative to an actual KISS that would still convey a message of interest, while not necessarily involving the emotional aspects that kissing on the lips could bring. Plus these gestures could be seen as rather romantic, as well as perhaps adding a sense of intrigue to the encounter.

  32. Katie-614587 October 18, 2010 Reply

    I prefer to wait until later dates. It can give the wrong impression, or complicate things.

  33. Aggie-385731 October 20, 2010 Reply

    Kissing on the first date is just too soon. Discerning will never take just one day and one ought to guard his/her heart to see the path clearly.

  34. Isabella-611317 October 26, 2010 Reply

    No, I don’t believe in kissing on a first date. That’s too soon.

    • Anna-937334 April 18, 2013 Reply

      I,totally agree with you Isabella.I think a hug and a peg on the cheek is o.k.

  35. Eve-112836 October 26, 2010 Reply

    I’ve kissed on the first date and regretted it. However when my now fiancé came to meet me he and I kissed mid way thru our first date together and it was perfect. I’ll never forget that kiss. I do agree that kissing does ignite some very powerful emotions which is why, for chastity sake, the kisses have been toned WAY down. I’ll tell you what though, when you really love someone even a kiss on the cheek or a lingering peck on the lips is just as meaningful and still very intimate and so special. 🙂

  36. Shirley-493952 October 28, 2010 Reply

    I have a question that I would like answered. Does the Catholic Church forbid sex in older couples if they are not married?

    • Donald-575538 October 28, 2010 Reply

      Yes …. anyone of any age is forbidden to have sexual relations with someone who is not their spouse.

  37. Thomas-645630 November 6, 2010 Reply

    wow waiting until the altar to kiss! i respect that people do that but it sounds so crazy to me haha..i mean i agree with the philosophy that the intimacy will come again later and actually i find the more you hold off on things the more it builds over time and sure i think its good to do this with sex but with kissing its not for everyone..i think that some couples need to feel like their bad can still be good but feel bad at the same time..i mean if u can be perfect all the power to u..but i know that im just human and i let myself get lost in the moment sometimes..maybe not so far as to have sex but maybe some dirty french kissing hollywood style (dippin the girl while ur dancin salsa or somtin) in the moonlight in public lol..u need sometin to make you feel like ur bad and its not a sin so i say No on the first date unless the first date lasts a whole weekend and the right moment comes along cuz then its a yes haha.. i guess im sayin that when the rite moment comes why not just seal the deal with a kiss…ya is it probably a better decision to wait until marriage to kiss ya honestly it probably is..but its also a good idea to only eat chocolate on halloween and to save every penny until retirement…but id rather live a is it really a big deal if i tell her on the second or third date, “hey! kiss me im irish!”

  38. Yvonne-645331 November 6, 2010 Reply

    i believe you should wait, what’s the rush? get to know each other a bit better. after all if you were meant for each other it will eventually happen.

  39. Nancy-640021 November 8, 2010 Reply

    I think if the chemistry is there and both are feeling it, then it would be acceptable provided the kiss wasn’t inappropriate. However, there’s nothing worse than the “gratuitous kiss” to end the evening because the wrong messages can be sent and hurt could ensue. A person needs to be genuine from the get-go.

    • Nancy-640021 November 8, 2010 Reply

      By the way….my previous comment is based on my belief that one should get to know one another well through regular communication before a first date is even a consideration. In order for someone to consent to a date in the first place, there has to be a deep level of trust.

  40. Frank-621211 November 8, 2010 Reply

    I don’t know first date kisses are nice, this past Sunday… I went to meet my date for church and afterward we had lunch and shared a beautiful afternoon together that ended with a kiss 🙂

  41. Aimee-395637 November 25, 2010 Reply

    I like his idea of saving his 1st kiss for his wedding night! WoW! So FEW people out there agree!

  42. Ben-652284 November 25, 2010 Reply

    A kiss or hug is good for the first date. If you shake hands, it shows you just want to be friends and it will be hard to get out of that category.

  43. Angela-11187 December 5, 2010 Reply

    I strongly agree with those who said to WAIT. A first kiss should be special, and after a first date/first F2F you don’t really know the person that well. Waiting until engagement or the wedding is a good idea; I don’t know that I would necessarily require that, but not the first date for sure.

    • Angela-11187 December 5, 2010 Reply

      Just a comment – I noticed many of the women said they would prefer to wait and many of the men said kissing on the first date was fine with them. I wonder why the dichotomy? Interesting. 🙂

  44. Jesse-563480 December 7, 2010 Reply

    I would like to know how to get a second chance without facebood. I need to know if she is interested in giving me a secpmd chande. Jesse Hayes member # 563480. Thanks

  45. Roberta-545176 December 7, 2010 Reply

    first date kisses… a friendly peck on the cheek or unbridled passion? a chaste and friendly hug, or a full body grope. relationships between men and women should be kept friendly until sufficient knowlege of each other permits both to hazard risking the beauty of their emotional soul. The unitive force is no less powerful than opposite poles of the magnetic field, and leads to emotional imprinting and binding prior to the working out of a relationship which should be husbanded/ nurtured and shaped through courtship into the godly thing that a Catholic marriage should be as a Sacrament and sign of Christ. I have known the full range, and have vowed to choose chastity until God chooses to bless me with a marriage candidate.

  46. Bill-593123 December 7, 2010 Reply

    Dear fellow bloggers, I hazard the guess I am the oldest member who has read this question about a kiss on a first F2F meeting in this blog string.

    I guess it is the experience gleaned from those years [married 30 years to the girl I met on the D-Train on my way to my Law School graduation, parent of 3 daughters and 2 sons and several years after her departure to the Lord, a searcher on catholic meeting sites for now almost 10 years] which lead me to offer my observation.

    Ask yourself, who is in charge of your dating / match finding search. Your first temptation will be to answer “Me”. Now I ask you to reflect on that question and it’s answer. There are no coincidences in our lives. Everything that happens in our lives is within God’s plan. It is a conceit [or temptation, if you find that phrase less harsh] to think you are in ‘control’ of your search; any more than you are in ‘control’ of your life. It is your maker, God, who is in ‘control’ of both. And His central desire for you is your happiness and salvation. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting we are mere puppets dangling from Divinely held strings. Not in the least! We, His creation, possess the most amazing of His gifts; the one which separate us from the balance of His creation – we have been given freedom – our Free Will.

    But that gift contains a two edged sword, it is possible for it to lead us astray. For in our existence there is another being, infinitely more powerful than we, who has a desire for us the opposite of God’s love. He wills that we lose our faith and our redemption. Not because he fancies us, rather because he hates our Creator. And this one, who, to use the parlance of today, is aka, [also known as] the Angel of Light, Lucifer. This one was God’s supreme creation before we came along. Talking straight to you, we are no match for this one. Our only protection against his trepidations is God’s love for us, His acceptance of us in our humanity and His mercy.

    Finally, my observation on the question of the day! Voila,

    Hold on to the intimacy; it is not going anywhere.
    It will be there, waiting for the correct time and the right one.

    What you should want at that moment is a sign of whether this beautiful / handsome one, sitting so close to you, with those accepting, willing eyes, is the right one for you and are you the right one for them. Are they the one whom Christ wants you to have in your life. If you are with me; here is my alternative to the Kiss; make the following statement and present this question to her / him, “You know, I really enjoyed our evening. If you did as well; would you please join me in a short prayer to Mary and Christ, asking them to grant us discernment as we continue to get to know one another?” Suggest that instead of puckering up for a kiss on the first date.

    If they are affronted, you may have an answer to your unvoiced question.

    If they say, “That is a great idea, I’ve never thought of that before. Yeah, let’s do that!” Then you may also have had the answer to your unvoiced question; and I hear church bells. Ringing in joy that you two will have launched your relationship on a solid foundation. Do I hear Granite? Or is it Diamond?

    Peace my friends.

    And my prayers accompany each of you!

    • Patrick-955401 March 23, 2013 Reply

      Way to go, Bill. I think you’ve nailed it – a bit long winded, but right on the money ! 😉

    • Ellen-813688 May 6, 2013 Reply

      Food for thought.

  47. Bailey-655617 December 8, 2010 Reply

    I would say it’s probably smarter to wait until you are positive you have established a great friendship, BUT at the same time, I’m not too concerned about it. As long as you are comfortable with the person and level headed, it probably won’t lead to major heartbreak if it does not eventually work out.

  48. Rebecca-323644 December 11, 2010 Reply

    I tend to take actions very seriously. To me kissing is a way of expressing love for someone. It shouldn’t be thrown around nonchalantly – it would almost be akin to saying I love you to someone on the first date. I know that physical chemistry is a HUGE part of a relationship, but I feel like in order to even advance a relationship to that point, there would have to be a firm foundation built on respect and unconditional friendship first – otherwise it would simply be meaningless. Not to mention, waiting a while adds to the mystery which keeps it interesting 😉

  49. Jarrod-631849 December 11, 2010 Reply

    I believe a kiss should be saved at least untill engagement. In my past experiences, it has almost became a prooven fact that it takes away from the spiritual side of getting to know someone and turns it more to the physical side. A kiss, to me, is a serious sign of your love for someone. It says “I know you deeply. The good and the bad, and I accept this and love it because its who you are and whom I love”. Now saying this before you truly know somebody and can honestly say that, to me, is more or less telling someone a lie. But I don’t see any harm in a simple peck on the cheek after a first date if you really enjoy thier company and are interested in another date:)

  50. Kathy-587540 September 10, 2011 Reply

    I definitely feel like the first date may be too early for a kiss. I feel like the if I am just meeting this person for the very first time then I do not know this person well enough to be locking lips. I think a hug or a handshake is perfectly acceptable and what I have done on all of my 4 first dates so far. :O)

  51. Jay-767249 September 14, 2011 Reply

    Personally I can take a kiss on the cheek just so I know the guy is at least interested enough for a 2nd date but if he doesn’t want to rush it I good witho one too, but not lip to lip only because that may lead the other person to thinking it will turn into way more than a good night kiss which both may not be ready for. I do believe no kiss at all should be given if both are not feeling a connection and think that a guy or girl should be up front if they are interested or not.

  52. Angie-584510 September 16, 2011 Reply

    Here is the answer to the question…

  53. Kathy-763526 September 18, 2011 Reply

    I think if the chemistry is there between both of you that it is fine to kiss on the first date. There is nothing wrong with it at all. Go for it and show each other your love and affection.

    • Denise-817460 March 21, 2012 Reply

      Finally! Someone who has some common sense. Thanks, Kathy!!!

  54. Diana-737319 September 22, 2011 Reply

    Even though I might be dying to kiss him, I’d rather wait until later, especially if I REALLY like him. “Slow and steady wins the race,” and at this point, I’m in it to win it!

  55. Diahann-472491 September 26, 2011 Reply

    I never kissed anybody on a first date, much less on a second or third even if there are sparks. A hug or a peck on the cheek to end every date is ok. To kiss the lips even if it’s light kiss will be too intimate if you are not sure even if you will have a relationship. If I can’t imagine him yet to be my husband, what for?

    I thought my stand above is quite “conservative” already. Actually am more pragmatic bec I don’t want emotional attachment where there shouldn’t be yet. Then, I heard some of the born-again Christians I know would be espousing to have first-kiss on the lips during their wedding. Only pecks on the cheeks during the relationships. So, during their wedding ceremonies, there is genuine giggles and excitement from the onlookers when the bride and groom would finally share their first kiss bec that’s really their FIRST. I thought that’s truly understanding our capacity for temptations. Am not saying I may totally go for that route, but I do admire their way of doing things chastely and why not, our separated brethren is actually giving me spriitual food for thought.

    • Peggy-731048 October 8, 2011 Reply

      Diahann, I love your comment.How wonderful and exciting that would be. That is exactly how how I feel.I wish I would meet a man who felt the same.

  56. Peggy-731048 October 8, 2011 Reply

    The lips are so sensitive and personal.Akiss can send such mixed messages.when I kiss some one I want it to be a clear message-I don’t want him to think I want to have sex when I mean for him to know I care deeply for him.I crave to be hugged though but at times that is even misconstrued so 9 years ago I just quit dating at all because it became such a problem.

  57. Maggie-98581 October 13, 2011 Reply

    It is still best to wait..after all PATIENCE is a virtue 😀

  58. Helaena-743478 October 22, 2011 Reply

    I dread this topic… I don’t want to be kissed on a first date no matter how exciting that bachelor is. It’s just TOO SOON. And, I could kiss until the cows come home! But, it needs to be the right time. Timing is the single most important factor in the male female mating dance. I think some men would be shocked if they knew that a man will aggresively try to kiss you two seconds after you’ve finished your chicken ceaser.

  59. Andy-516957 October 24, 2011 Reply

    Depends: will kissing her lessen the chance of me getting a second date?
    (in Ventura county, looking for a FIRST date with the last woman I will date)

  60. Jesse-463958 November 6, 2011 Reply

    A kiss is not a contract. ..

    . I just thought this was a good place to quote flight of the conchords. lol

  61. Noreen-779817 November 21, 2011 Reply

    I think the first date is a little to soon to kiss even though you may have been communicating on line . I think the third date would be perfect.

  62. Joe-784689 December 22, 2011 Reply

    I don’t go for amiss, I do go for a Hug

    • Bob-797101 January 11, 2012 Reply

      I think you have to be careful even with a hug…I remember I had a first date with a gal I didnt want to have a 2nd date with….I always hugged people in my life (and I’m not even Italian) as a way to say “thank you” or “I like you”…but this Irish woman apparently came from a family where there was no affection or hugging or kissing…ya know where you think maybe you’re an orphan and your parents dont even sleep together in the same bed room….she must have taken that hug as if I wanted to marry her…because she was upset I didnt ask her out again and the dating service director chastized me for it . …so I dont hug or kiss anymore unless I really desire the woman… .. but hey, at age 55, if I feel that spiritual (yes to all 7 questions/obeying the Church 100%) AND physical attraction, I WILL hug and kiss her. I might die in my sleep tonight.. so you bet I’m going to hug and kiss her.

      • Maria-810621 April 2, 2012 Reply

        Absolutely Bob! why guys in their late 30’s or 40’s don’t think like that???….

  63. Crystal-614646 February 17, 2012 Reply

    I don’t know for sure, but there were sometime I did feel like I wanted to kiss him at the first time we went out for date. However, I finally decided not doing that, and later I felt that was a right decision.

  64. Cathy-816258 March 24, 2012 Reply

    The first time I met a guy from this site face to face, we he took me to a romantic spot and asked to kiss me. I had never been asked on a date before, let alone had any one ask that. It felt weird and uncomfortable. I felt he should have noticed my discomfort and gotten to know me better before even asking that.

  65. Maria-810621 April 2, 2012 Reply

    No rule for me about the right time to kiss but for sure have clear in my mind that when a confident man really likes a woman, he does not hesitate on starting things like kissing even in the first date…and the woman always has the liberty to respond in a way or another based on her perception of him and what she’s looking for…..

  66. Mary-583970 May 16, 2012 Reply

    When my (now) CM boyfriend and I met for the first time I was ready to pucker up on the first date, we’d been talking multiple hours every day for 5 months!

    As it was, he wouldn’t kiss me until we’d been dating 7 more months 🙁

    I’m fine with kissing on date 1, as long as you feel you know the person well enough.

    • Marita-847688 May 27, 2012 Reply

      On the bright side, you got a good one! Trust me, you don’t want the opposite, which is someone who has slept with more people than you can count on your fingers and toes and still hasn’t changed their ways.

  67. Kerri S. May 23, 2012 Reply

    There’s no way to form a suitable generalized rule for this. My fiance and I didn’t kiss on our first date, out of sheer nervousness (I had never kissed anyone before at all!), but I think it would have been fine since we had been friends for a long time, and it took us forever to actually go on a date. 3 months till our wedding!! 🙂

  68. Marita-847688 May 27, 2012 Reply

    I personally don’t agree with kissing on the first date. It doesn’t give you a chance to get to know the person. In fact, I’m saving my first kiss for marriage because it will be that much more special. To look at it another way, I don’t want to kiss someone’s future husband. I only want to kiss MY future husband-the one the Lord will give me. I’m not giving my heart away so easily. I’m not looking down on anyone here on Catholic Match who has a different view than me, but I’m just saying what I feel is best for me and my future husband. It’s to protect my heart so that I am pure for my future husband. I know kissing can lead to all sorts of other things that can cloud one’s judgement about who they are meant to spend the rest of their life with. I hope this doesn’t scare anyone off.
    Kerrie S.-Congratulations! I will pray for you. Keep guarding your heart and virtue. You’re almost there! I know your wedding day will be special.

  69. Lynn-189934 June 13, 2012 Reply

    A close-mouthed, short kiss? Not a problem. I don’t view kissing as very personal when its that type of kiss, anyway. Any more than that, well, I hope we knew each other for a while before we went on the date.

  70. Helen-869828 August 24, 2012 Reply

    Wow. I felt amazed to realize that there are lots of women and some men who prefer to wait for the right person before they give their long awaited KISS. I thought it is impossible in this day and age. I like the idea anyway

  71. Mary-583970 September 11, 2012 Reply

    It all really depends on the context of the date. My ex-boyfriend (who I met here on CM) and I were IMing for 4hrs a day, every day, for 3 months before our first date. We skyped and talked on the phone, too (he was studying abroad at the time) I knew everything about his personal hygiene habits, deepest fears and regrets, even his fetishes by our first date- I was totally ready for a kiss! …we ended up dating for 8months after that before he would kiss me :< turns out he just never wanted to tell me he wasn't attracted to me..

    It's all about context. If I didn't know them well enough, and only talked every so often, maybe the 3rd date would be better…assuming it gets that far.

    • Mary-583970 September 11, 2012 Reply

      Not to mention our first date lasted 10 hours and he brought me home for dinner with his parents at the end of it, so yeah, we were definitely more involved than even many engaged couples I know.

  72. Maria-846262 October 10, 2012 Reply

    I don’t think there is anything intrinsically wrong with a nice, friendly kiss that says, “thank you, I like you and maybe I want to get to know you better.” But, anything more than that should be left for when people get to know each other better. Kisses are better when you know someone very well and are romantically and emotionally more connected. Kisses are best when you love someone and they love you back.

  73. Andy-516957 October 18, 2012 Reply

    Sort it out? Ask? Nonsense, kiss her, if she’s annoyed, she wasn’t the one. Move on.
    I’m going to kiss on the first date. You can turn your head, and i’ll hit your cheek, or you can let me give you a peck. We’ll find out if there is a spark.
    Then, I’ll ask you if you want to go out again.
    If you don’t want to be kissed, maybe you should consider a vocation. If you don’t want to kiss your date, no problem, tell him, he can save money by not wasting his time on you.
    But, this wouldn’t come up if the men don’t act like men and KISS THE GIRL.

    • Lisa-801067 December 9, 2012 Reply

      Andy i think your attitude is very immature and needing reflection. If a man thinks that not getting a kiss from me is then making his money spent on a date become a waste then it would appear that he was “investing” in me and not looking to find someone to love. You do not buy a woman’s affection by paying for a date. Also she is not owing you a kiss because you pay for a date. As well it is sad to see that you feel that you have to see if there is a spark there to continue and your main test for that is a kiss. A kiss will not tell you if you are compatible it will only tell you about your sexual feelings and the strength of them at the moment. That is attraction, not affection. Look for the advice from Jason Evert and use him as a model for a Catholic man. Google his name or his wife’s Crystalina Evert and their story.

  74. Lauren-911655 October 23, 2012 Reply

    The thought of possibly being expected to kiss after just meeting someone an hour earlier is scary! Even if I am attracted to the person and want to see them again, and even if I sense that they feel the same way, that is still a stranger to me. One hour of chatting with a brand new person isn’t enough for me to feel that an intimate act like a kiss would be comfortable. I agree with what many of you said, you want to build up to that over time and treat it as something more special. But again, that’s just me, two people might get together who feel the complete opposite! 🙂

  75. Vincent-767706 October 25, 2012 Reply

    Here’s my opinion on the matter:

    1. Kissing on the first date is unnecessary. If you really like each other, you’ll go out again and there will be plenty of time for that later.

    2. It sets the wrong tone for a relationship. It says that the relationship will be all about physicality whereas not kissing does not say the sheer opposite due to point number one.

    3. You most likely don’t know the person well enough to kiss them. If this is your first time spent together, it seems more like you want to kiss than you want to kiss that specific person.

    4. It feels forced. First dates are very challenging and awkward. To lessen this, smart men come up with a skeleton for a first-date routine or perhaps even a few templates. You never wing it. If you kiss on the first date, it feels less like a genuine expression and more like following the routine, as if you expected it from the beginning of the night. I imagine very few people have only done a first date kiss one time.

    That being said, there are a few points to be made on the other side:

    1. If you’ve know someone for a while and you are finally on a date with them, this is an exception.

    2. Kissing on a first date is usually not a sin. Sometimes, good people have had great relationships and marriages that started this way so I don’t judge.

    3. At least give a side hug. No man will ever interpret a handshake positively unless its an extremely sensual handshake. Some people have to examine their comfort zone and realize that their prudishness can also be a vice.

    4. Saving kissing for marriage is a terrible idea. I believe there is such a thing as “reverse-lust.” Healthy relationships are dynamic and this includes physicality. Having an intensely intimate relationship, but with NO KISSING EVER is not healthy. Relationships are a steady build of intimacy on all fronts, including the physical. Avoiding one wrongful extreme with another is no solution. It’s also too Platonic. Couples need little romantic touches to remind themselves of the nature of what they are doing.

  76. Vincent-767706 October 25, 2012 Reply

    On another point, I don’t believe in a drawn out “getting to know someone” process over the internet. It’s better to go on an in-person date ASAP, even if you just use Catholic Match for contact and you meet in a public place. Instant messaging is for shy teenagers. Although, maybe I just say this because I’m a guy and I know I’m not a creep.

    • Vincent-767706 October 25, 2012 Reply

      Hiding behind a computer screen is not a healthy relationship. This site is meant to facilitate face to face meetings, not put them off. Meeting someone in person reveals so much that IMing does not. It removes illusions and humanizes them.

  77. Vincent-767706 October 25, 2012 Reply

    I feel like some people are using their interpretation of Catholic teaching to validate their own shyness and introversion which is wrong.

    • Marita-847688 November 25, 2012 Reply

      Whether or not someone is shy or introverted is not the point. It’s about doing what you feel is best for yourself and your future spouse. No one is saying that a person must live by those standards, but a person must be honest enough with themselves to ask, “Would I want my future spouse to do this right now? Would I want the love of my life to be doing this with someone else? Would I do this with my brother/sister?” We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and we should treat each other as such.

      • Vincent-767706 December 10, 2012 Reply

        I’m against first-date kissing for the most part, but some people on this thread seem to be way more conservative than that. I believe that introversion is to some degree just who some people are, but it can also be a vice if one indulges their personality predilection over doing the right thing.

        I think sometimes shyness and introversion really are the point while disguised behind other things, but would agree with the conservative side on the exact issue of first-date kissing. In regards to life in general and relationships, some people need to pull back, but some people honestly need to loosen up. Everyone is at a different place.

        • Marita-847688 December 11, 2012 Reply

          If a man spends $15-20 on a date, that does not automatically mean that she has to kiss him. I know that I’m worth more than that! We are created in the image and likeness of God and Jesus Christ Himself. Are you saying that God is worth $15 or $20? Jesus was willing to DIE for me. I know, therefore, no amount of money could “buy” a person. I wonder when our culture went from courting and treating each other like kings and queens to women feeling like they owe their bodies to men as “repayment” for a night out. Again, I’m not saying that people have to live by extreme standards “Dougard” family style, (By the way, there is nothing wrong with that), but what I am saying is that a kiss should not be used as “payment”. Kisses have gone from meaning that one person loves another to “Thanks for the great evening out”. Even if two people “hit it off”, that doesn’t mean that they HAVE to kiss each other. Again, I’m not judging but merely sticking up for the minority.

          • Vincent-767706 December 11, 2012 Reply

            Did you notice I said I was against first date kissing? I completely agree that a kiss is never a payment for anything. It is supposed to be an expression of love. I agree.

        • Marita-847688 December 11, 2012 Reply

          More people should “pull back” but no one has to “loosen up”.

          • Vincent-767706 December 11, 2012 Reply

            Are you saying that it is literally impossible for someone to ever be too shy in any situation? Relationships can’t move forward on any level with that attitude.

    • Marita-847688 December 12, 2012 Reply

      Some people are shy, agreed, but there are far more people who are too aggressive than too shy.

  78. Mary-732729 November 5, 2012 Reply

    Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer the gentleman to take my hand and kiss it after a wonderful night!

    • Chris-862594 April 4, 2013 Reply

      Old fashioned? Nay, chivalry lives on at least so long as I do miss.

  79. Sue-906387 November 25, 2012 Reply

    I believe it’s too premature to kiss on 1st date f2f. Even if there is chemistry. They are still discovering each other and should take it slowly and at least show respect to the Lord.

  80. Vincent-767706 December 13, 2012 Reply

    Important article on the idea of premarital kissing.

  81. Sue-906387 December 17, 2012 Reply

    Wow bravo. Two thumps up. Thanks Vincent for sharing that utube!

  82. Vincent-767706 December 19, 2012 Reply

    Here’s another point that goes along with kissing on the first date is unnecessary. To me, kissing on the first date betrays a certain urgency which implies that you don’t actually see a long-term relationship with this person and so you at least want to enjoy kissing before they realize you have no real chemistry and dump you.

  83. Perpetua-736534 January 9, 2013 Reply

    kissing the first date No,pliz.if only every one could learn and help each other to control the emotions truelly we will have very Holy men and wait till that right moment ,with the right person and the right place .is so wholesome.i Know its not easy but its possible,with Gods prayer that we can get many poeple who can hold.
    God bless all.

  84. Tina-910155 January 28, 2013 Reply

    Kiss are for couples who are in love. Kissing on a first date could mislead someones feeling. I prefer not to and never done it before.

    • Naomi-825244 January 29, 2013 Reply

      Kissing on a first date seems a little weird to me…unless you’ve known each other for years, secretly been in love, and you’ve both come clean about your desires. Since physical touch is my love language (I’m sure most of us have a pretty good idea of what those are, if not: and I only want to share it with those whom I love deeply, like my family, closest friends, and my eventual husband. If asked to do such a thing on a first date, I’d probably turn around and run…not that I’m shy but I haven’t kissed anyone since first grade and I don’t wanna just kiss people for the heck of it…especially since in all liklihood we’ve only just wet. Also, I agree with Tina. It is for those who are in love.

  85. Trace-446731 February 11, 2013 Reply

    It would be nice if the woman who doesn’t want to kiss on the first date would just tell the man before going out with him that she doesn’t kiss on the first date. Wouldn’t that make things so much easier on both? Then there isn’t that awkward “do I or don’t I” moment, fear of rejection, etc. Consequently, there is that “look forward to” moment on the second date whereby both are on board with the prospect of the second date kiss,

  86. Colleen-950846 March 21, 2013 Reply

    I am certainly not kissing a complete stranger on the first date! There is mystery about kisses that need to be preserved since so many freely give them away. It’s not something extra to give away so fast. Rather, it’s a gift to be given to that special someone God destined you to be with.

  87. Chris-862594 April 4, 2013 Reply

    Kiss her on the hand like an honorable knight would to a lady. ‘Least, that’d be what I do.

    • Victoria-907952 June 23, 2013 Reply

      Wow, Chris, nice to know a young man feels this way and chivalry is not dead. I’m looking for someone like you in an older version. Woman who gets you is lucky. Good luck finding your match! God Bless you!

  88. Meg-920823 April 14, 2013 Reply

    I think the first kiss is very, very special and significant and I don’t want it to be on the first F2F, no matter how much I may already be enthralled with him. I think it is great strategy to save it for the suspense and to keep the head clear. Kisses can change everything and I want us both evaluating each other as a spouse. Is he good for me and my soul and am I good for him and his soul? Do we bring out the best in each other? Kissing/hormones too early can change that perspective.

  89. Jorge-443462 May 23, 2013 Reply

    Its better to wait to to kiss not on the first date, only in Hollywood it works, It seems really awkward and misleading, when a guy or girl wants to kiss on the first date, a peck and hug is fine.

  90. Brian-448300 May 28, 2013 Reply

    It depends on if the first date is the first situation you met. If you were school friends, you’ve known that person long enough to decide on the first date probably. But if the first date is the first time you personally met the person, than the answer is no I don’t believe that ‘s the correct thing to do. However it also depends on how long you’ve talked online or the phone before you went on the first date. I personally believe you only give a direct face to face kiss on the lips, as you both slowly inch toward each other as you’re both lips make contact and hugging, means that you’re comfortable to be in a relationship with that person, meaning you both mutually feel that way to no one else but that person. If two individuals are kissing directly on the lips, it sends off official special romantic signals such as: Yes I feel that way about you, yes I’m comfortable with being boyfriend-girlfriend, yes I like you like that, yes we’re more than friends, yes we’re in a commitment to one at a time exclusive relationship, yes I’m ready for a true companionship, yes you’re the one for me, yes I feel in love with you, yes it’s all mutual and special.
    You shouldn’t be kissing on the lips if you don’t feel ready or that way about the other person, because it will lead to a false attachment. Perhaps hand holding or an easy hug or a small kiss on the cheek or hand is okay. But never kiss on the lips until you both are sure you feel that way.

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