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Single Living

Hi Lisa,

I write to you because I’m frustrated. I’ve been a member of CatholicMatch for over 8 years, and, much to my chagrin, I’ve yet to meet Mr. Right. I’ve had a few dates because of the site, but nothing serious or long-term. I’ve even encouraged friends to join the site, and now those friends are married (thanks to CatholicMatch). Do you have any advice for me? I follow the online dating do’s and don’ts, and I’m just so tired of being passed by. If you have any suggestions for me, or someone like me, that’d be great.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can certainly commiserate with what you’re going through. I understand that lonely feeling of watching your friends pass you by. Even though you’re happy for them, it’s still hard to watch them become couples and get married without any indication of that being in your own future.

I have two suggestions for you:

First, make sure you’re confident you are called to marriage. You may have already been through this discernment process and if you have, excellent. But if you haven’t you want to make sure you leave no stone unturned; meaning you know what you want, now make sure it’s what God wants. Is it possible He wants you to consider the religious life? I went through this process, myself, when I was single after my divorce. Even though I didn’t feel called to the religious life, I wondered if my divorce happened because I wasn’t supposed to be married to begin with? So I took a look at other options. It didn’t take long for me to realize that wasn’t what God wanted for me and now I had absolutely no doubt I was called to marriage. And that leads me to my second suggestion for you…

Stop for a moment and take a step outside of yourself. Look at yourself through God’s eyes and try to see how much He loves you, how much He wants the very best for you. If you do this, you can probably draw the conclusion that God will give you what you need – which is usually far better than what you want – and He’ll give it to you at the perfect time. So while you wait for that perfect time, what should you be focused on? For the time you have left as a single person, what does He want you to accomplish? You might take some time in Adoration to explore the answers to this question because you truly do not know if you will meet Mr. Right tomorrow or a year down the road.

I met Mr. Right a mere two weeks after I decided to pursue the possibility of a religious vocation, and we’re celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. I share that with you not so you’ll feel left out, but to give you hope. Sometimes, I think God just wants us to relax our vice grip on the steering wheel and focus on something else so He can steer us toward what we need. Make sense?

I’m grateful you sent me your email and I hope this helps a little. Have faith that God has great things in store for you and count on my prayers for you!

Sincerely – Lisa

I would like to share Anonymous’ inspiring message I received in response to mine:

Hi, Lisa!

I’m going into my third year as a PhD student in writing. It’s funny how, in getting so wrapped up in what others are doing (i.e., dating, marriage, having children), I forget what I truly feel I am supposed to be doing with my life now, at this very moment. So, what should I be focused on right now? Exams and a dissertation! lol! What does God want me to accomplish? School! (and, of course, He wants me to focus on my spiritual connection with Him, and on my family and friend relationships, too)

I will most definitely spend some time in Adoration really praying about all of this. I do believe that God has a plan for me, and that I’m living His will as we speak. When I stop and really think about it, completing a PhD would be a lot more challenging with a family of my own. Instead of being frustrated, I should have more faith and hope in God’s plan, which is sometimes easier said than done!

Thanks again for your words. They’ve helped me a lot today.

 

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18 Comments

  1. Richard-937187 June 10, 2013

    Lisa, I have been a widower for 8 months. I seek companship because of my age, With 9 grandchildren, all in differents geographical areas, I am lonely. Dick

  2. Mark R. June 10, 2013

    Hi Richard, do you think you are really going to attract women by whining about how lonely you are on a public forum? Women are not into whiny men. If you want to vent go find a male friend and go out for a drink. Negatives don’t build intimacy with women.

    • Karen-905366 June 10, 2013

      Ouch Mark, That is harsh! He is just stating facts and I am glad that he can realize his feelings. This might not be the best forum to put it on but still, have some empathy for him.

      • Mark R. June 10, 2013

        I’m just looking out for a fellow guy’s well-being. Unlike most people, I actually want to look after Richard as a fellow man. I want him to get a woman and have companionship. I really believe that we guys need to look out for each other, sometimes this involved tough love. If he wants to get a date and to get companionship, this is not the way to go about it. I’m just saying what all the women are thinking.

        I see guys all the time going on these dating sites and whining about how they haven’t had a date in a year or how they are so lonely. Is that going to attract women? Some women actually do the same thing. People are attracted to positivity, not negativity. Nobody is going to say…oh I feel sorry for this person, THEREFORE I will go ahead and go on a date with them. If you do this type of thing you might get sympathy, but you aren’t going to get a date.

    • Katy-303480 June 11, 2013

      As a woman, I don’t feel that Dick was ‘whining’ at all. In fact, he wrote so little that I’m having a hard time figuring out where you got the ‘whining’ accusation from.

      Dick, I’ll say a prayer that God will fill your loneliness how He sees fit. Don’t lose hope!

    • Espe-410886 June 11, 2013

      Mark; Not only are you rude, but heartless. And giving your advice of going out for a drink is such a wrong thing to say!

  3. Michelle-506118 June 11, 2013

    I also understand a lot of the being single frustration. My divorce was final in 1994, and annulment a few years later. We’ve all experienced loneliness. I am the only one of a large group of acquaintenances who is STILL single, and it’s hard to go to the group functions. But…we are more than half of a person! (something a dear priest once told me)

    Even here on CM, for many years, I’ve had exactly ONE date. Ha ha. And, I went through the religious discernment thing, already. I have, though, looked at my time as an opportunity to become closer to Our Lord, Our Lady and the Saints…and to open myself up to trust. And…keeping a healthy sense of humor is a definite plus!! We are all in this together.

  4. David-855917 June 11, 2013

    Why do all catholic men have to be Mr. right. You know we are all sinners. We are not perfect, we are men who believe in God. If your looking for Mr. right, just ask for him at Adoration and I think God will show you Mr. right. But if your looking for perfection, you will only find that in heaven. So, God Bless all you Catholic Women looking for Mr. Right. I’m just an ordinary Catholic person who sins everyday, but tries to follow what Jesus has put forward for me. I think the perception for Mr. right or Mr. perfection is something you won’t find on this earth. You should look for a man with a strong faith, strong ethical and moral background and one who works hard everyday to follow the Lord. Enough said. God Bless you all and good luck. Dave Gillis

  5. Pat-692333 June 11, 2013

    I too have not met anyone in the Baton Rouge area my age . Just looking for a friend first to do things with and go places with . i don’t like going places alone. But have not found anyone here yet.
    Pat

  6. Drfrancis-911551 June 11, 2013

    dr.francis,56,nevermarried before lookin’ for a spiritual life partner, around 45-50 yr old willing to settle in andrapradesh,india.

  7. Espe-410886 June 11, 2013

    Lisa, don’t feel it’s only you. I’ve been a member of CM for about four or five yrs. now and haven’t found anyone. I am not interested in the men that choose me and when I pick someone (so far, I’ve picked four), they don’t seem to be interested in me. I can guess why I have not been fortunate and these are the two reasons: 1. My age 2. I intend to remain celibate.
    On the other hand I am attractive, slim, financially secure, well travelled, into health and fitness and looking for someone who believes that these traits are important with the Catholic faith as being number one in their lives!
    I’ve not given up yet and if it doesn’t happen soon then I resign myself to God’s plans to remain single for the remaining time I have left on this earth.

  8. Michael-856880 June 11, 2013

    Dear Lisa, I just wrote a very long point of view on young lady whom feels disullisioned at being single. I am sure everyone on this site has had their heartbreaks and tears. As for myself I have had my full share of heartbreaks, and severe dissapointments in life.
    I know it can be very different for a woman but perhaps I can offer this.

    I too have had the urge to huyy Christs timing, yes the pressure of waiting can be intense and even scary. But speaking for myself only, I have met many friends on this site. I love to interact with many of the Ladies, talk over alot of idea, but I look for friendship first. It is indeed nervewracking the wait. But I find it a joy when I do hear from someone, and I try not to take rejections personal, but that is my way.

    The years do go by and I have seen alot since the time I came home from Service. Dating, Dances, Bars, Clubs, and alot of Phonies. I would like to offer members this point if it helps, please remember, all of us have never met, we dont know each other. rejection will be enevitable( most sadly), but Jesus is right there with you. Just be a good friend, and talk about pleasant subjects and also keep in mind some members have higher achievements than others. You are looking for the heart of a person.
    Thank You for letting me express myself
    Michael

  9. Ed-501357 June 12, 2013

    Here is my take on this. I believe there is a Ms. Right or Mr. Right for each and every one of us. That being said, I concur with Espe that I have had women contact me through this site and while it’s nice to get noticed, I wasn’t interested and when I contacted a few of the women, they weren’t interested either. This is frustrating to say the least.

    While it is hard, this doesn’t mean however that we should give up trying. Remember it ONLY TAKES ONE!!
    In the meantime we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves and enjoy what we have in life. I’m lucky that I’m involved in an organization that runs outdoor activities such as hiking, cycling etc and have volunteered and served on their board for the past 6 years and meeting all sorts of great people. While I haven’t met anyone special yet, I realize that one I could be in the right place at the right time.

    My message to “Anonymous” (and judging by her picture, she is a lot younger that I am) is don’t give up and do not settle for anyone!!

    Assuming that you went through the discernment process, been to Adoration and received God’s message that he wants you to be married, ask yourself the following question. Amongst the people that I know including friends, co-workers, students if going to university, what type of person do I feel comfortable with?

    Here’s an example to make that query easier. Many years ago I worked with a colleague, who was attractive but smart and made me feel at ease talking to her. Unfortunately she was already married, but I use her as a yardstick (for lack of a better term) to the type of woman I would like to meet. I have dated attractive women in the past, but I just wasn’t interested because they lacked what I was looking for.

    To summarize, identify the type of person that you like spending time with and in the meantime get involved your local parish, outdoor club, or any organization that you’re passionate about and don’t stress yourself out about meeting that suitable gentleman. He would come when you least expect it.

  10. Diana-975931 June 12, 2013

    Marian, I believe that things happen for a reason, either because as a consequence of our sin or becauseGod allows suffering to test our faith and therefore getting us closer to him, as catholics we do not believe in magic or people that claim to have power to do magic, it contradicts the first commandment , to love God above all and not have strange Gods before you, please forgive my intrusion, I’m just trying to shed some light on the truth, I once believed that using magic or spells was a good thing, I’m not hurting anyone! But what I did not know is that opening that door allows evil forces to come into our lives, and the evil one is very deceitful, please be careful

  11. Chris-427945 June 13, 2013

    If I saw the girl in the stock photo at the top this blog post at a coffee shop in real life, I’d ask her out. Well maybe not if she looked sad like that, but I’d still talk to her regardless.

  12. Paul-99681 June 13, 2013

    I always wanted to have a chance to meet someone too but being always needed at home and the only way to meet women was to drive to a city because just about all of them were married or moved away years ago.

    I would always look forward to going because it almost felt strange to be around them and after joining a Catholic group it was great but it always seemed like distance was an issue and the new president believed it would be best if I kept to my own parish so I found myself driving farther then ever and turning to the computer it seems now it’s parents against distance because they depend more on their children to take care of them so now later on in life it seems that new problems arise .

    I’m a care giver too and taking care of my mother I’m doing my best to be a man and learn how to think like a woman also oddly a woman I was in a relationship a few years ago is also faced with “being the man” bringing in the money and taking care of her mother seems like we could have joined forces but sadly not I love my own mother dearly but taking her shopping is anything but easy because she isn’t happy in the store or out in the car so she won’t wait long enough to let me pay for things or I have to drop everything to run out to keep her from wandering off and today I had to illegally park out on the street and the shop keeper made change on the sidewalk also things are so dysfunctional when she is this way and I’m starting to not care what things cost but to just get it over with.

    I fixed her a nice dinner tonight and she was happy to eat out on the patio but wanted to wander off into the dark carrying her dinner around so I told her that it would have to be the patio or the house and sadly had to take her in to the house then she didn’t want her dinner as she now is often doing and I worry about that!

    No I’m not lonely and understand why people who are caregivers will break off a relationship but I guess I’m too self centered to do that I don’t know if I did the right thing because she really needs to eat Oddly I never kissed a woman anywhere except on her forehead and have hugged one a few times but now I shower my mother help dress her and wash her clothes also when I look at a woman I think about her slipping and falling but someday I hope to have a real romance a part of the heart that no one should ever forget

    Paul!

  13. Richard-875877 June 29, 2013

    good to hear the comments. faith is hard to have sometimes these days and while i try hold on to mine, can understand why people become athiests.
    it was simpler 30 or 40 years ago to date and marry and get to know a woman, but its made more complicated these days maybe because of people looking for mr right perhaps. im loosing a bit of faith in this site myself at times. but accept where i am and meant to be at this moment in life. god bless all on here.

  14. Roy-811837 September 18, 2013

    Yes very true in this age of materialistic .In the good years of 60s 0r 70 My parents just fell in love got married and all things came by and so goodness.In this age is more of confusion .We are still to define Mr Right. Today the partners have to have all qualities and have to everything all found before marriage which usually takes a lifetime to achieve either a home or good living with mutual trust and hard work which go by.Media has created much hype ,confusion and alternatives in our present generation.Internet and media attracts us with 20% good and 80% filth and confusion .We though are carried away to our sinful ways and thoughts but we got to pray and reassure ourselves keeping God in us that we live in grace and be a clay in God hands to mould us .

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