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Dating & Relationships

I was curled up on my couch with my laptop instant messaging with a guy I liked. The conversation was going well until he asked:

Did you hook up a lot in college?

No, I wrote. Never.

I stared at my laptop’s screen and waited with bated breath for his response.

Finally, he trailed off: So you’re a . . .

A virgin? Yesa fact that surprises the average adult who doesn’t practice chastity, because we date in a culture in which 97 percent of men and 98 percent of women ages 25 to 44 have had sex. What followed is what often follows when sex comes up in my conversations:

If “everybody does it,” why shouldn’t we?

I’ll tell you:

Resistance to abstinence from sex while we date is often underlain by the belief that we ought to have sex before marriage because we wouldn’t buy a car before a test drive. And we do test drive a car, because a car is an object; it’s a means to an end. We need to know before we commit to it that it will serve its purpose, and that it will be worth our investment.

But people aren’t cars.

We are neither objects nor means to ends. We are of infinite value because we exist, and nothing can ever change that. If someone is pressuring you to start off with a “test drive” and prove your value before making commitment it shows that he or she is only focused on sex. But in marriage, we are called as Catholics to mirror God’s “absolute and unfailing love” (CCC 1604). When love is absolute, the beloved doesn’t need to prove how much he or she is worth.

I have heard many people say that they want  to know before the wedding that they are sexually compatible with their mate, because discovering that they aren’t could really “ruin” a wedding night. But their quest—contrary to popular belief—isn’t actually for compatibility. If it were, compatibility would have to be static. Any “how to have better sex” advice would be moot. But compatibility isn’t static. Compatibility can be achieved. What the quest is really for, then, is sexual compatibility that’s effortless—compatibility that won’t require practice, patience, or communication. But sex that requires practice, patience, and communication isn’t bad; it is both fueled by and fortifies unity and teamwork, which are healthy in all facets of a marriage.

Other proponents of premarital sex encourage it because in their opinions, it’s important to discover what you like in sex before you commit to sex with one person until death, and to confirm that that’s what you’ll get out of sex with him or her. But pleasure is a byproduct of sex, not a purpose. As Catholics, we believe the purpose of sex is twofold: unity and procreation. We aren’t supposed to unite just because sex is pleasurable; we’re supposed to co-create a pleasurable sexual relationship with a spouse after we have been united with him or her in marriage.

Still others argue that premarital sex is important because “it’s what people do who love each other.” But chastity is for lovers. In fact, said St. John Paul II, “only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love.” Chastity, which isn’t abstinence but requires it outside marriage, is the virtue that integrates sexuality with the rest of our lives. So when we practice chastity, we neither disregard sex as unimportant in relationships nor revere it as most important. We decide to govern our appetites instead of being governed by them—a practice that frees us to pick marriage partners for reasons more substantial than “good sex,” which, in turn, frees us to fulfill the call to absolute love.

And that is absolutely worth a wait.

(This post has been read 6,372 times)

71 Comments

  1. Izabela-1100250 June 29, 2014

    Brilliant. I agree.

  2. JamesPatrick-972254 June 29, 2014

    If you hear “I wouldn’t buy a car before a test drive” then remind them that it more like buying a tandem bicycle and that IS something I would buy without testing and learn to ride it with my best friend forever.

    • Maritza-1081062 July 2, 2014

      Loved your comment. I couldn’t agree more, wish more “Catholics” would understand that.

  3. Stephen-1104364 June 29, 2014

    Well thought through, Arleen. The crazy thing is that when people want to have sex without marriage, they are also under the false illusion sometimes that unshackled from a binding commitment, it will be better and they will have more. But the opposite is actually true. Or worse, they find a wonderful mate and the relationship at one point gets shattered because there is no commitment- and the thing they sought is destroyed.

  4. Carol-1017436 June 29, 2014

    All of the above…well said!

  5. Jason-184384 June 29, 2014

    One would think a man would prefer to date and marry a virgin, holding everything else constant. These have to be the final days.

  6. Agnes-92617 June 29, 2014

    I absolutely agree with you Arleen…very well said..thanks for sharing it with us!

  7. John-1027301 June 29, 2014

    I love St. John Paul II’s statement that “only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love.” That probably explains why there are so few representations of true love inside and outside marriage and why we don’t hear too many of their testimonies today. And you hit on something I think few people understand – the waiting process prepares a person for marriage through unity and teamwork, whether in this world or the world to come. Excellent Arleen.

  8. Chiquita-944276 June 29, 2014

    Where is the ‘Love’ Button for this article?? I absolutely Loved. Thank you for writing and sharing Arleen!

  9. Michelle-989480 June 29, 2014

    Thank you Arleen for this wonderful article!

  10. Arleen Spenceley June 29, 2014

    Thank you all for this feedback! Grateful.

  11. Guillermina-1048232 June 29, 2014

    Excellent article! Brilliant. Thanks!

  12. Kristin-1073777 June 29, 2014

    Yeah, the “test drive” analogy is pretty offensive. You don’t “own” your spouse. You shouldn’t get married to see what you get out of your spouse; you get married so you can give to your spouse.

  13. Matthew-617971 June 29, 2014

    I really enjoyed this, including your point about how compatibility can be achieved. If we can work hard to grow in other areas, why can we not also work to grow more compatible.

  14. Donald-825943 June 29, 2014

    Excellent article! I often have this conversation with people at work. They can not or will not understand why I refuse to “test drive” like Kristin has so well put. People do look at you like you are crazy but that is their problem not mine. I have never hooked up and do not plan to. Making love and sex need to be reserved for a man and a wife. I would be honored to date and marry a like minded person. Like Matthew said compatibility is something a married couple work at on a daily basis. If test driving were a viable option for insuring successful marriages, then why are divorce rates soo high?

    • Thang-1077057 July 1, 2014

      Donald, I believe divorce rates are very high because of 3 things (from Rediscover Catholicism): individualism, hedonism, and minimalism. Individualism refers to being selfish and asking, ‘What’s in it for me?”. Hedonism refers to pleasure and asking, ‘If it feels good, do it”. Minimalism refers to doing the least to get a maximum reward and asking, “What is the least I can do and still keep my marriage alive?”.

      • Donald-1107814 July 3, 2014

        50% of marriages fail because living with another adult is plain hard work. Some people are just not compatible to do this over the long term.

  15. William-607613 June 29, 2014

    Stick to your guns, Arleen.

  16. Arleen Spenceley June 29, 2014

    Grateful for your feedback, all! Better believe I will stick to my guns. :)

  17. Nicholas-1102675 June 30, 2014

    I wouldn’t even kiss a girl until I was married to her! I mean; if I were dating someone but the relationship didn’t work out and we broke up, she would most likely eventually find and marry someone else. Then if I were to meet her husband, he’d have every right to know everything there is to know about his wife’s past; how could I comfortably say “Hi! Nice to meet you! By the way, I used to make-out with your wife!”? Having to say that I had deprived her of her virginity would only be at least 10 times worse! Likewise, if I were to marry a girl who had been, let’s say; “physically active” with another guy, I know I could never quite feel comfortable around him when I have the knowledge that he had defiled my wife. Naturally, I don’t like the idea of my future wife being physically intimate with another guy, so why would I ever be physically intimate with someone who could still be the future wife of someone else? And I’d want my wife to be faithful to me, so I fully intend to be faithful to her as well, even if I have yet to meet her.

    • Marita-847688 June 30, 2014

      AGREED!!!!

      • Marita-847688 June 30, 2014

        Not that I wouldn’t consider someone without a past, but I would want my significant other to be currently trying to live a chaste lifestyle.

    • Dominic-981542 July 2, 2014

      You took the words out of head Nicholas . . And you feel this way because its the truth , some think Modern Women are very nave to because they have not experience life as a male.
      Some man have parts dead inside there soul and so can not share the same view for this very reason.
      Out in the real world Man are Hunters and Dating independently will always lead to women being used for sex eventually , Its only a matter of time.

    • Paul-1102399 July 2, 2014

      [''Then if I were to meet her husband, he’d have every right to know everything there is to know about his wife’s past; how could I comfortably say “Hi! Nice to meet you! By the way, I used to make-out with your wife!”? Having to say that I had deprived her of her virginity...'']
      LOL! are you out of your mind?
      ”he’d have every right to know everything there is to know about his wife’s past..” that is funnnnny !!!!!!!
      may be YOU are the one who would like to know>>> BTW, have ever been married ? or had a date ? If so, poor, poor woman !!!!

    • Meesch-691047 July 3, 2014

      Wow. That is old fashion manners and chivalry right there! No kissing until you are married- very sweet and romantic. May you be blessed in all ways for such devotion to God and to your intended bride.

  18. Kevin-782868 June 30, 2014

    Bravo! I get so tired of that ‘test drive’ argument. I know I wouldn’t need to test drive a brand new Porsche 911 to know that I’d love it. I also know that I wouldn’t want a Porsche 911 that’s been through too many test drives ;-)

    I find that analogy one in the same with the selection of a lifelong mate.

  19. Joan-529855 June 30, 2014

    Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE this!!

  20. Ann-1080387 June 30, 2014

    If there was a ethical reason not to test drive a car before buying it, if test driving it was a sin (as is the case with pre-marital sex) then I WOULDN’T test drive it.

  21. BethAnne-168224 June 30, 2014

    I couldn’t have said it better myself! And I have bought a car before test driving it (well I test drove a different year ha). And actually when I bought my car I knew that was the kind of car I wanted without test driving it…it was just this feeling I had that I would like it. I feel like love is like that sometimes…a gut reaction.

  22. Meesch-691047 June 30, 2014

    Best analogy I’ve heard
    Marriage is like a house you build with sex as the fire in the fireplace. When the fire is outside the fireplace, it destroys and consumes everything in its path. When the fire stays and is cultivated in the fireplace, it warms the home and provides sustainable and joyous life. Keep the fire in the fireplace or you will get burned!

  23. Tom-995241 July 1, 2014

    In my opinion this site is mostly about being catholic with some possible dating thrown in. That’s the way I see it anyway.

    • Arleen Spenceley July 1, 2014

      What would you like for us to write about, Tom? I’m open to suggestions.

      • Tom-995241 July 2, 2014

        Arleen, I’m sure your a nice person and a good writer, but to my way of thinking this is a Catholic site not really a dating site per say. It’s the only site that has 7 out of 7 including other religious sites. Again this is my opinion. To answer your question I really don’t know what the writers should write about until I read the articles. When I first saw this site I thought it was helpful because the people on it were suppose to be catholic so you have that in common right off. But when you read many articles it often seems like your going to catachism classes instead of dating info.

        • Dominic-981542 July 2, 2014

          Its a good thing its only your opinion .. The word Opinion means some think that is not proven to be true .

          • Tom-995241 July 2, 2014

            Perhaps you should write an article on this site.

  24. Patrick-341178 July 1, 2014

    Nice article but have to respond to Nicholas. If you don’t want to kiss any woman until you are married, that is your decision. Yet, there is nothing in catholic theology that says “no kissing until marriage.” So, having pre marital relations would not be 10 times worse, but a million times worse. I dont understand the part about meeting some girl you may have kissed future’s husband. That would likely not occur and it did, it would not be any of his business to ask you about what may or may or not have happened physically between the two of you. I think most people who get married probably understand that unless they met when they were like 15, that person has probably kissed someone else in their past.

  25. Patrick-942195 July 1, 2014

    Thank you Arleen for Article.

  26. Sandra-1051908 July 1, 2014

    I read a Quote once that said “If you Sow Fornication in your Dating you reap Adultry in your Marriage”. This was like a wakeup call to me, because after being married for 12 years how was I going to explain my desire to wait for marriage……again!

    I started off on the wrong foot, always wanting to do good, but falling for the dumbest things, thinking I was going to find “true love”. After being cheated on by every single guy I’ve ever dated I realized it wasn’t them it was me. I have 3 sons and a daughter. I speak about dating and abstinance to them constantly. The more I Teach them the more I learn. Its being their example that has shown me what I deserve and given me the power to take my future realtionship in my hands. I told a guy I was waiting for my future husband, he huffed and said “WHY?!?!, you’re not even a virgin!”. I just smiled and said “You are correct, I do have 4 wonderful kids, but I also have God, Dignity and self respect. And when I do find the right guy he will appreciate I waited for him!”

  27. Paulina G. July 1, 2014

    Thank you for this. You so deftly articulate a response to the test driving a car analogy.

    I loved your article on Tampa Bay Times, and shared it on Facebook!

    You say things I’ve been trying to reinforce to friends for years! :)

  28. Jason H. July 1, 2014

    Are those of us who have fallen into the 90+% FOREVER-DOOMED to be not-good-enough?

    • Arleen Spenceley July 1, 2014

      Nope! Plenty of people who practice chastity don’t require the people they date to be virgins (though, if they’re doing chastity right, they do require the people they date to save sex from now on for marriage).The past isn’t the point (nor does anything any of us has ever done change that we are of infinite value).

  29. Ruben-1082449 July 1, 2014

    It is such a joy to know that I am not alone when it comes to this subject : )

  30. Patrick-75155 July 1, 2014

    Ex-Catholic. Not persuaded by this argument… and I’m alarmed that so many people are giving it their official imprimatur.

    The author intimates that “sexual compatibility” can be achieved if both partners work at it over time… I would say: yeah, so what? A similar argument can be made with respect to people’s interests: Perhaps I can learn to tolerate ballet if my wife loves it and I don’t. Perhaps she can learn to tolerate watching NFL games if I love it and she doesn’t. Sure, we can both sacrifice half of our waking hours on this planet to make the other one happy… And sure — on some some level, every working relationship is going to require some level of sacrifice by both parties if it is going to last in the long term. But let’s face it — the NFL lover/ballet lover — this is not a good fit. It’s like forcing a square peg into a round hole. This one will need a ton of extra effort and commitment just to stay minimally operational.

    “Sexual compatibility” is a similar thing — you really want to have sexual compatibility right out of the starting gate. Because let’s face it: people are sexually attracted by different things, and many of these sexual desires are developed at a young, formative age and have since been cemented over the years. For example, if both parties have an innate desire to sexually dominate the other one (or sexually submit to the other one), we’ve already got compatibility issues — and bad news: this couple will probably have these issues “until death do them part.” With this particular couple, at any moment in time, one of the two spouses is just going to be “going through the motions” to please the other one. It is certainly true that over time you can learn what your spouse likes, and give that to them, and that will make them happy. And sure– you will receive a certain kind of psychic happiness associated with making them happy. But here’s the problem: in most cases — you can’t really change what you are innately attracted to, what turns you on at the subconscious level. So if what turns your spouse on isn’t what turns you on — yes, you will still benefit by taking turns, but it’s going to feel like a lot more work and sacrifice than it needs to be relative to had you both been sexually compatible from the outset.

    The author is correct that that there is a distinction between human beings and objects — still, this is distinction that doesn’t really defeat the test drive analogy. Because in both contexts, with objects and with people — it’s generally a smart idea to gather as much data as you can about something before you commit, especially to anything major. We all know “Flying blind” isn’t a smart or effective strategy to navigate through the various hurdles life will throw at you. Especially when you can avoid it. You want to buy shoes? You try them out before you buy them. How about a high school sports teams or a drama club? Do they pick a random applicant, roll the dice and hope? They have something called “Try-outs” or “auditions” for a reason. Humans are regularly evaluated by other humans, just as objects are. And in cases where humans can’t be evaluated for whatever reason — people still try to collect as much data as they can about that individual– they may rely on other people’s recommendations or past personal performance in another engagement. But in this particular context, i.e., dating and relationships –it is usually impossible to ask a person’s exes how that person is sexually. Even if you could, what worked for that ex may not work for you. It’s not like baseball where being talented on one team probably will translate if you switch to another team. So hands-on performance may be the only way to really know…

    The guy who said he wouldn’t need to test drive a 911 Carerra to know if he wants to buy it — I gotta tell ya. I own a Porsche 911 myself and there’s no way I would have shelled out over $60,000 if I wasn’t damn sure that’s the car I wanted. You may very well like the model and brand — but not all cars are the same. I would never rely on a dealer’s bald assertion that the car performs like any other Porsche on the lot.

    Moral of the story: Don’t neglect sexual compatibility when looking at a potential spouse. You surely wouldn’t neglect to look at any certain relevant trait in a potential partner you planned to go into business with for ten years (honesty, reliability, intelligence, etc). If that’s true, then by even greater force, you certainly wouldn’t want to neglect sexual compatibility when looking at a potential relationship partner you planned to be with for the rest of your life.

    • Arleen Spenceley July 1, 2014

      I see what you’re saying re: football and ballet, but interests and hobbies aren’t a sacred, physical sign of the vows spouses made with each other on the altar at their wedding. That’s what sex is, for people who practice chastity.

      Re: sexual desire: What a person likes sexually and doesn’t is a non-issue for a virgin. After he or she becomes sexually active, he or she will discover what works and what doesn’t. Some spouses will discover, I’m sure, that some of what works for one of ‘em doesn’t work for the other — that’s where the work comes in, of agreeing not to do what doesn’t work for both and finding out what does.

      Re: gathering data, of course it’s important to gather information. People who practice chastity disagree, however, that performance in bed is a piece of information a person needs in order to determine whether marriage is a good idea.

    • Meesch-691047 July 3, 2014

      The Holy Spirit is the only one who can persuade you in an argument of faith. Everything else you choose to believe, practice, or reject. May God bless you either way.

  31. David-1054431 July 1, 2014

    It’s interesting – and refreshing – to see so many people on this forum in support of chastity until marriage, when sadly it goes so much against the grain of today’s culture. I also think though that Patrick-75155 makes some very sensible opposing arguments.

    But on the other hand, whenever I browse profiles on Catholic Match, in the faith questions section, the majority of women have “No, I do not accept the church’s teaching” as their answer on Premarital Sex. And this a faith that teaches premarital sex is wrong. It would be one thing if most single Catholics believed premarital sex was wrong but succumbed to temptation. That wouldn’t surprise me. But they’re not even opposed to it in principle. I’d say as Catholics we’ve got to face the reality here.

    Now I don’t know about the men. Being a man myself, I have no occasion to browse male profiles! But if even the majority of women don’t believe in chastity, I have a hard time believing the men would.

    I think chastity until marriage is a lovely ideal. But personally, I would not go so far as to say one must be chaste until marriage. I can respect either stance.

    I think the main problem is just too much emphasis on sex in today’s world period, regardless of what you believe. It shouldn’t be such a big deal if people choose to be chaste until marriage. It shouldn’t be regarded by secular society as weird. I can imagine a scenario too where even for some married couples maybe the sex is infrequent or not so spectacular when it does occur. And that might be fine if the two people truly love each other and are sharing their life. There’s a lot more to a relationship and a lot more to life. Where is it written that thou shalt be required to have a great sex life at all times?

    • Arleen Spenceley July 1, 2014

      Great thoughts, here David! Thanks so much for this. LOVE that last sentence of yours. Good point!

      One clarification — a couple times, you used the phrase “chastity until marriage.” I haven’t written about this yet here at CatholicMatch, but it’s important (maybe more to me than to others, ’cause I write about chastity a LOT, lol) to make a distinction between abstinence and chastity. Chastity isn’t something that ends at marriage. Chastity is the virtue that requires us to govern our appetites, rather than to be governed by them, and it’s for everybody, single, married, religious, you name it. Chastity, of course, requires abstinence from sex outside of marriage. Lots of great stuff on chastity can be found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/HG.HTM

    • Brenda-790734 July 1, 2014

      Thank you David! I’ve found that too in regards to the teachings of the church on this site. So much so that I lost any faith in this site. I went though a couple dozen guys looking at their profiles in regards to the 7 questions and every single one of them checked that they didn’t believe in the church’s teachings on premarital sex. I think it’s been about 2 years since I’ve even been to the website because I was so disheartened. To read Arleen’s blog and see so many males responding positively warms my heart and seriously brings tears to my eyes to know there are really guys out there who believe in holding off until marriage. It takes the pressure off honestly. And to those males who believe that, THANK YOU!!!!!

  32. John S. July 1, 2014

    Nobody has mentioned the difference between having sex and making love. Can two people, not married, make love?
    I certainly believe so.
    That then leads onto the question of whether making love i.e. giving and receiving the love of another person physically is wrong.
    Morally, certainly not. According to Church doctrine it seems so.
    I ALWAYS try to think what would Jesus think.
    Jesus was born into the Jewish faith, where divorce is permissible, and therefore so is marrying someone who has been married previously and is not a virgin. I don’t see any of Jesus’ teachings where He says you must marry a virgin.
    (Reference Matthew 19:9)
    9 “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, by reason of fornication, and marries another, DOES NOT commit adultery;”
    All the references Jesus makes on sex (fornication) concern adultery i.e. having sex with, or lusting after, an already married person, or fornicating with another once you are married. Jesus makes no references to sex between two people who are not married.
    It’s a nice thing to be chaste and save yourself for the person you marry, but is making love before marriage wrong? I don’t see how. I certainly don’t think it is a sin against God (who is love).
    There are lots of ancillary arguments like compatibility and children, but the core question is, Is it fundamentally wrong for two people who love each other to make love outside of marriage? I would argue it is not (though it may not be the ideal).

    • Arleen Spenceley July 1, 2014

      I’ll have to think more on making love versus having sex, but in answer to your question re: whether making love before marriage is wrong… I can’t speak for people who don’t practice chastity, but for people who practice chastity, it is. That’s because, as stated in a comment I wrote earlier in response to another reader, sex, for people who practice chastity, is a sacred, physical sign of the vows spouses made to each other on the altar at their wedding.

    • Thang-1077057 July 1, 2014

      John, I think sex and ‘making love’ means the same thing. However, a one-night stand sex is non-chastise pleasured sex and ‘making love’ sex refers to practicing chasity in a committed married sex. which version of the Bible are you referring to. According to the New Revised Standard Version, Matthew 9:19 says, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery”. Does anyone know which version does Catholics currently uses?

      Regarding what would Jesus think? Even though Jesus believed in love and repentance doesn’t mean he is for the pleasured ‘making love’ out of wedlock. I think it’s a choice or an excuse to ‘make love’ out of marriage.

      • Bob-59786 July 2, 2014

        Sex, sex, sex. I wonder how many can truly Love w/o betting the ranch on sex. To the chaste, you’ve got it correct. Good description … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7feVfaIONa4

      • John S. July 3, 2014

        Arleen, I don’t think you are answering my point. Is sex outside of marriage morally wrong or a sin? If so, where does Jesus teach about this? and can’t you still give the same vows when you get married, even though you have already had sex?
        Thang – ‘New and Revised’ ! That says it all. You need to go to the original text.

        • Donald-1107814 July 3, 2014

          John – you pose too much thought and reason in your arguements for this site! Congrats on having some common sense and not being a brain washed puppet!

  33. Rose-894182 July 1, 2014

    I really enjoyed this article as it speaks to my beliefs in a way I’ve found difficult to relay to others. I wish I could help my daughter to understand this aspect of purity and sanctity. I’ve heard her say more than once the “try it out before you buy it” slogan. I often wonder what convinced her that I had no idea what I was talking about while I was raising her. I spoke to her of the beauty and dignity of sex when fulfilled within a marriage. Somehow she became convinced society had it right and I was just one of the rare oddballs who stick to our precepts because we’re afraid to try something outside of the box. Is it so odd that I want someone to love me for who I am, and not because I can (at least in the moment) provide them with a service? Sure sounds very crass, banal and undignified to me! Christ believes more of me and my soul than to be an object of someone’s temporary lust and a fall from grace.

    • David-1054431 July 4, 2014

      Rose – I find your post quite moving. Good luck with your daughter. I think people today have gotten too far away from the idea of sex as simply a basic biological need. I don’t advocate a puritan guilt attitude about our being sexual beings. But I think we need to stare sex in the face and realize that apart from everything that can be said about it being an expression of love (which it can be), it’s also a physical pleasure unto itself. That gets in the way. If one has sex before marriage, how can you ever be sure your partner doesn’t say he/she “loves” you only because you’re satisfying that physical need? It Makes more sense to establish the move and trust and commitment first, independently of the sex.

  34. Scott-786277 July 1, 2014

    I am saving myself for marriage because that is what god wont’s everyone to do, and it is morally right.

  35. Charlotte-996706 July 1, 2014

    I agree with Chiquita-Need a “Love” button. Awesome article!

  36. Patrick-341178 July 1, 2014

    Patrick-75155. You may be right in a sense. I have long wondered about the whole notion of basically doing nothing sexual at all with the woman I marry and then assuming everything will be ok beginning on the wedding night. But, that isn’t the point. If the church teaches that sex before marriage is wrong, then you shouldn’t do it. Ok, yes, the first few times may be awkward and it may take time to get comfortable, but that is what marriage is all about. Secondly, sex is just one aspect of a successful marriage. I think we focus to much on that part, as there are so many other aspects to worry about as well.

  37. Michael-978729 July 1, 2014

    My opinion: Eliminates unwanted children, abortions and unwanted STD’s. These are more common than you think. There is a long list of celebrities with permanent STD’s. Try to discuss that with your potential spouse.

  38. Emily-156637 July 3, 2014

    It is a struggle to remain chaste married or not. We are wired for sex because the species wouldn’t survive without it. Some people will struggle in this area more than others because some people have a higher sex drive than others. Through it all you have to remember that you only have one body, one mind and one heart. I think it is beautiful if someone can wait until marriage to unite themselves to one person for their lifetime. In my experience people who do this tend to have better sex lives and when tough times hit in the marriage they don’t go looking elsewhere for relief. They respect their spouse and the memories of their entire sexuality are tied to this one person who loves them, is loyal to them and most importantly Respects them. It is truly a piece of heaven on earth and who wouldn’t want that?

  39. Carlos-805300 July 4, 2014

    When is your book coming out Arleen? I already pre ordered!

  40. Jonathan-1060385 July 6, 2014

    Really, I am placing that much on sex. People who say that, only have a mind set of its only pleasure for me. If I am not pleasured. I cant be with this person. what ever happen to being happy because some one was around you. Women and men this day. let me give you people some thing to thing about, Life is hard, but true happiness comes form sitting at a table eating dinner and not saying a word with some one you love. the act of just being there, knowing both love each other is more then needs to be said. you can all ways tell if I women love you if she sticks around. if she dose not she will be on hear way. also never tell a women you love hear till the day you put a ring on her finger. you never want to toy with a women’s hart.

  41. Linda-1106513 July 8, 2014

    i don’t know about you all but i am done doing “of the flesh” stuff. I want what is real and that is true love with both parties centered around God. i got it now i’m not going back to the “prove that i’m worthy” you have to really know someone that loves God,
    they will take care of themselves for you all comes in place, we are all adults and if you really get it and see the deep inset of someones faith and they show it to you feeling comfortable to express oneself and the beauty of it . Marriage can be there … the sacrament …. something you don’t put “flesh” in front of. everyone stop doing what you want to do..and get it.

  42. Mary-667135 July 13, 2014

    I recently joined CM, and am so discouraged bc the majority of men “agree with some/most of faith questions.” The #1 question they disagree with? Pre-marital sex. They don’t believe it is wrong. I actually got a message from someone with whom I had a lot in common, and he said it’s too bad I had a problem with pre-marital sex, we would have made a perfect couple.

    When I get a new list of matches, if I eliminate those who don’t agree with the Churches teachings on premarital sex, I am left with a small minority.

    I would really like CM to eliminate from my matches anyone who does not agree with ALL faith questions. Whom do I talk to about that?

  43. Arleen Spenceley July 2, 2014

    JP2′s quote doesn’t say that at all, and neither do I. A chaste person doesn’t have to be a virgin. A chaste person is a person who has chosen to practice chastity from now on, even if he or she didn’t practice chastity in the past. Chastity and abstinence aren’t the same, but chastity requires abstinence from sex outside of marriage.

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