How To Find A Suitable Spouse


Over the last couple of months I have been exploring some of the criteria we use in selecting potential mates. As I see it, physical attractiveness is the primary factor in the initiation of most dating relationships. Once the dating relationship has been initiated, the certain something that makes the heart flutter and the stomach queasy should lead to feelings of romance. The couple then falls in love and is in a head long rush into a relationship that will ultimately succeed or fail, based on factors that have little to do with physical attraction or romantic emotions. Therefore, alternative criteria in selecting a mate may be more suitable in achieving successful and enduring relationships.

There has been no shortage of controversy and criticism regarding my article on the role of physical attraction in a dating relationship. Although readers are in agreement that physical appearance is not sufficient to ensure the long term success of a relationship, many are loathe to admit that physical attraction plays any role in their selection of potential mates. Supposedly, they never even notice looks. I afford the same credibility to such emails as those that clutter my inbox claiming that I have won millions of dollars in African lotteries.

Somewhat surprisingly, reader feedback has been in nearly unanimous agreement that romance is not only an unreliable basis on which to base a long term relationship, but that the dominance of romantic love may be an un-Christian (or extra-Christian) concept. Most surprisingly is the aspect of my article on romantic love that seems to have captured the attention of most of my readers, that most Biblical examples of marriage were arranged. Although I was in no way advocating a return to arranged marriage in my article, a significant percentage of my readers seem to favor this concept.

Given pause by reader response in favor of arranged marriage, I have been forced to examine the cause of such sentiment. If physical attraction is insufficient and romance is unreliable in ensuring long term, committed and loving relationships, some other criteria must be preferable. Commonality of interest, background and religion would seem to be of primary importance, as would mental and emotional maturity and stability (a willingness and ability to commit). So much of who we are is dependent on our genes. It would make sense that a father, in selecting a mate for his son or daughter, would select a pool of potential candidates from families with which he was intimately familiar. Traditionally, this has meant a cousin, but it would not preclude the offspring of a business partner, a political ally, close friend or member of the same ethnic background and social circle.

Before readers bombard my inbox with outraged accusations of racism and classism, I would point out that I am not advocating against interracial dating or inter-class dating. I am merely making a common sense observation that if the father wishes to choose a spouse for his son or daughter based on a criteria of positive attributes that would lead to a strong marriage, he would choose from those with whom he was familiar. He would say, "I know this person. I know the family. He/she comes from a long line of stable, hard working, successful, church-going people. His/her family is opposed to divorce. Alcoholism and insanity are rare in his/her family. I held him/her as a baby, watched him/her grow up and I know his/her character. He/she would make a good spouse and would produce smart, healthy, attractive children. He/she would be a good parent and would pass on the ideals I have instilled in my children to his/her children."

You and I, the potential spouses, are unqualified to make such selections on our own. It takes years to have such knowledge of a person. It takes years to get to know someone, to learn their character and their family history. Although this may be the most effective means in mate selection, it is almost impossible for those of us in modern times to imitate it on our own. Occasionally one comes across a couple who grew up together, who attended the same church, same schools and who knew each other's families almost as intimately as their own. Such tight knit communities and neighborhoods are increasingly rare in our mobile, economically motivated and secular society. We may be able to get to know someone almost as well in a "start from scratch" dating environment, but the time involved in coming to thoroughly know someone is prohibitive. We would have to date each person for a number of years, which would limit the number of potential mates to a pool far too small for a suitable sample.

So, what to do? Well, instead of turning the clock as far back as arranged marriage, why not advocate a resurgence of matchmaking? An older family member, priest or similar figure in the community is well positioned to "know the families" and may have sufficient knowledge of potential mates to suggest suitable dates. This is not an unheard of or even rare concept.

In the South, the country club set has its cotillions, in which the debutants (the young women of similar class and background) are presented to their community as suitable mates for young men of the same class and background. Although prohibitively exclusive and even frowned upon in our time, the cotillions ensured the stability that has carried the South through the Civil War (we prefer to call it The War of Yankee Aggression), Reconstruction (in which the wealth and property of those before the war was forcibly taken and re-distributed), the modernization which displaced the farmers and disrupted the agrarian society and in to the modern era of national homogenization. Outside of the country clubs, most matchmaking is done in the churches (both black and white –all Protestant) by little gray (or blue) haired ladies. Up North (so I've learned from television) there is the omnipresent old Jewish, Italian, Polish, etc. grandmother who says, "You should meet my niece/nephew".

Most people have been fixed up at some point. What we may not realize is what a compliment it is for someone to think we are worthy to meet their niece, nephew, son, daughter, cousin or friend, a person who they truly love; depending on the relationship, it may be an invitation into their family.

Some years ago, while living in a small town in Georgia, I met the subject of a matchmaker's work. He had moved to town a year earlier from out of state. He was handsome and athletic, hard working, humble but charismatic, well liked by everyone and shy around girls in that kind of "aw shucks" manner that many country boys used to have. He had been raised by his divorced and remarried father in sparse circumstances. He moved to town to care for his ailing grandmother who was old money, old family and a pillar of the community. The Youth Minister, at the Methodist Church that his grandmother attended, introduced him to a young woman from a nearby town who attended the church where the Youth Minister had previously worked. She was beautiful, smart and confident. She came from an old family and her father was a wealthy doctor. The Youth Minister encouraged them to date. They quickly fell very deeply in love, married after college and now have two children. They were from different states, lived in different towns, and were in very different social circles and economic backgrounds. Not only would they likely never have met without the help of the Youth Minister, but my friend never would have dared approach so beautiful a girl from such a moneyed background. She probably wouldn't have looked twice at the country boy who drove an old pickup truck and wore work boots. The matchmaker's mutual vouchsafe and encouragement made the difference.

What an integral, important and esteemed role a matchmaker can play! As with all human endeavors, matchmaking will not work out with equal success every time. It does, however, have much better odds than going it alone. Let's encourage the resurgence of matchmakers in societal prominence. How better to foster strong families, counter the trends of divorce and societal decay?


End Note:

Some have taken issue with the frankness of my opinions. "Politically correct" rules of communication dominate our culture, and are especially prevalent in Christian circles. Those who point out even obvious truths to which one may take offense are quickly reprimanded by a sort of subtle Orwellian "Thought Police". We are indeed fortunate that such issues as slavery were dealt with by more courageous generations than our own – our culture would hesitate in recognizing such evil for fear of offending the slave owner and hurting the feelings of the slave by reminding him of his sorry lot in life.




  1. Caroline-348680 June 22, 2008 Reply

    I agree with most of your "frank" opinion as part of the natural and unplanned development of society. I don't think that just because it is the way it is, our society is how it should be or is flawless.
    As to your conclusion, I see and understand your logic, but I would have to reflect on it more to develop a more thorough answer. One thing is for sure: you are leaving out God's Providence and Loving Plan.

  2. Lynn-189934 April 4, 2008 Reply

    Maybe I should try hosting a barbecue for all of the county families and hope that a single brunette in a green dress and bare shoulders will come to entertain all of us single men. 🙂

  3. Andrew-49201 March 26, 2008 Reply

    Why do so many of you southerners still bring up "that there War of Yankee Aggression?" New Englanders never bring up the war to you, so why do you bring it up to everyone else? Leaving all the other reasons aside, it is simply rude to throw in everyone's face.

  4. Lynn-189934 March 24, 2008 Reply

    This has been tried—before I became Catholic. Unfortunately, in the smaller town/rural setting where I live, the same generations have lived there for so long that it is difficult to meet someone you are not related to, let alone be matched. It is a good article, but is not practical for me and probably not for most families in my area.

  5. Eric-97921 March 3, 2008 Reply

    C'mon–Judson. Your articles on relationships are really getting out there every since the spat over "attraction" (which you were right about). What gives? Catholics are going to find a spouse the best way they can–and it likely won't involve a matchmaker.

  6. Shane-130525 February 22, 2008 Reply

    Excellent article. Human social and cultural evolution, across almost every ethnic group, has been based upon the success or failure of the "matchmakers". Only in recent decades, in a world of growing cultural individualism and isolation, coupled with our outright reliance upon self-knowledge rather than community wisdom, do we encounter such a failure of the institution of marriage.

  7. Kathleen-7290 February 21, 2008 Reply

    I did not agree with elements of this article and felt the writer was biased.

  8. Nicole-12469 February 2, 2008 Reply

    You make some good points! I've been a matchmaker, of sorts, for two friends' marriages, and would love to have someone return the favor.

  9. Fred-190374 January 30, 2008 Reply

    Sheeze ohh Pete's ! YOY and double YOY ! .. I think yer writin may be takin ya over the top , Jays .. thought your prior " Physical Attraction " article was less cerebral and much more on target !
    I still think a guy simply must like what he sees first and THEN continue on to consider the other more important matters of intellectual compatablity , emotional health , physical activity interests , common spiritual vision and goals .. she doing likewise though perhaps in different order of primacy . Even with a matchmaker involved surely these indicators must be looked at , no ?
    Unless, miraculously, we are blest to somehow again love innocently as we did at age 11 ~ with clear eye and pure heart alone .
    Hmmm, looking back thru life I see how these , my criteria have become more clear as I've matured and their weighted importance has changed and evolved over time . We see thru different glasses in all our changing seasons of life .
    Peace and blessing * Fred

  10. AnneMari-187322 January 23, 2008 Reply

    My Grandparents, who were married for 57 happy/successful years, were set up on a blind date. They married only 3 weeks later. They had 3 children and celebrated their happy marriage until my Grandmother passed away. They were devoted and honored one another. I hope to have that same marriage one day…

  11. Joan-288995 January 17, 2008 Reply

    I agree with the matchmaker concept. I work with several people of East Indian and FIji descent and there is still matchmaking going on in their circles.

  12. Linda-194584 January 9, 2008 Reply

    I really liked your article. But I am still hopeing to find my spouse someday that's if he's out there. I do like a guy who comes to my church often but I don't think he feels the same so I am holding out for Mr . Right.
    Thanks for sharing a great Article.

  13. Nina-138165 January 5, 2008 Reply

    Set-ups haven't worked for me, either. It was a priest who suggested I try the Internet.

  14. Eric-97921 January 1, 2008 Reply

    I still think it is fairly impractical–just like arranged marriages would be today. Every time I've had someone in my family or a family friend try to set me up it has been a disaster.

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