5 Questions From A CatholicMatch Newbie


I have been an official CatholicMatch member for nearly two weeks now, and I can already see why this site has served as the catalyst for so many successful, Christ-centered relationships. From the emotigrams to the online forums to the chat feature, these tools help us single Catholics interact with each other in new and interesting ways, all in hopes of finding a match!

In my short time on this site, I have already taken advantage of many of these tools. I have browsed through the profiles of nearly all of my matches. I’ve sent emotigrams. I’ve sent personal messages. I’ve even been on the receiving end of a few chats.

So now I’m left with a plethora of matches and just as many questions. I need you, my fellow CatholicMatchers, to offer your honest opinions on my top 5 questions:


1.  Just a glance
In my first week on CatholicMatch, I had more than 100 profile views but only a handful of emotigrams and messages. Clearly, the vast majority of guys decided not to make a move – what gives? Are they not interested or just too shy?


2.  About those emotigrams
I have to be honest: The emotigrams feature reminds me of my junior high instant messaging days, but I can see how a simple smiley face is less intimidating to send than a personal message. But what do guys think of this feature? Is an emotigram welcomed or just ignored?


3.  The back and forth
I’ve been lucky enough to start several message strings with great people on this site, and I can already tell that these “conversations” may lead to a future in-person meeting. When is it acceptable to suggest a face-to-face date? Am I expected to sit back and wait for him to make the move?


4.  The unexpected greeting
We all complete our profiles with our thoughts on long-distance relationships and relocating, so why do some people from across the country send an emotigram or message when their own profile states they only want to date someone within driving distance? There appears to be some sort of disconnect.


5.  You’re nice, but…
Whether in person or online, I still struggle with letting another person down by saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.” If you’re not seeing a future with a member who continues to pursue you, what’s the best way to convey this message without being too harsh?


Thank you, in advance, for your feedback! Just like anything in life, I understand that you only get as much as you put into it. So bear with me as I work through these questions and strive to use every resource available to me in my quest for Mr. Right.

And as always, don’t be afraid to shoot me a message. After all, we’re all on this site for the same reason, right?




Further reading

Don’t miss this practical reflection from fellow CatholicMatcher Cate-291547: “Is Anyone Really Good At Online Dating?



  1. Nicholas-1040672 January 19, 2014 Reply

    1. Just a glance
    Personally, I could give myself a headache if I tried reading into what people’s intentions were when viewing me. It could mean they’re interested and too shy to message me, it could mean that they just clicked “next” on their search, or it could mean that their cat, Mr. Wiggles, stepped on their keyboard. In short, I treat the View List like any other list… I check it out from time to time and click on people who seem interesting, but beyond that I try not to read into it.

    2. About those emotigrams
    I am really not a fan of these things. If I were to use them (which I don’t), it would be because I thoughts somebody was interesting but am too lazy to go through their profile and write a message pointing out similarities, asking clarification questions, trying out one-liners, etc… Just kidding about the one-liners, but seriously, an emotigram to me is like somebody not taking the effort, which makes me not want to take the effort.

    3. The back and forth
    I’ll throw in my 2 cents as a guy. Personally, I like it when the girl takes some initiative. On the interwebs, I figure there are way more guys out there constantly bombarding women with messages and one-liners. This gives you women-folk more power, in my opinion. Don’t be afraid to use it! At the same time, if I’m messaging back and forth with someone and I find them interesting, I will definitely ask them to chat on the phone or meet in person… If they happen to ask me before I get around to bringing it up, though, then I’ll just be even more interested.

    4. The unexpected greeting
    When I first joined this site, I had the intention of meeting somebody in my own city. I even name-dropped some of the cultural hangouts that I like, some of the downtown areas, etc. with the hopes of finding some things in common with another Jacksonian. After I created my profile and started seeing how spread out everybody seems to be, this is less of an issue for me. Have I gone back and changed my profile? Nope… Point is, people change, and if they message you then that means they’re interested in at least learning more about you, regardless of what they put on their profile the last time they happened to edit it.

    5. You’re nice, but…
    All right, be patient with me while I climb up onto my soapbox. *grunt* *heave* *push* *leap* . Ok, there. Now, when it comes to messaging people back, I personally think that if somebody messages me (note, I mean “message” … not send one of those cheesy emotigrams that take no effort), responding is the polite and honest thing to do. Even if it is just to let them know that I’m not interested or don’t think it could work, I will always strive to take the time to let them know what’s up. I value honesty and hope that whomever I am lucky enough to marry one day feels the same. At the same time, I value kindness. Kindness, however, doesn’t negate assertiveness and honesty, especially when somebody has taken the time out of their day to say hello. Not responding, to me, is failing to acknowledge a person’s very existence. A harsh view? Maybe, but it’s my soapbox and there’s only room for me up here!

    In closing, good luck and welcome to CM :-).

  2. Carol-737878 February 13, 2013 Reply

    In re: who initiates the 1st date: a counselor who is known as THE SINGLES COACH advised that the man should initiate the 1st 3 dates.

  3. Carolyn-656265 November 13, 2012 Reply

    I do not know why males post messages and you reply, and theres no answer. What are they doing on CM. It’s a waste of my time to even send a message. Get with the program fellows. Theres alot of wonderful people out there waiting to have some kind of relationship. Frankly, I’m tired of the whole program. Right on Marion. I’m in the same category as you and it seem useless to carry on with the messaging. Carolyn

  4. Marian-904978 November 2, 2012 Reply

    I came on board almost a month ago. I am in the older catagory of CM. I’m a widow and most of the men are widowed too. They viewed my profile I viewed theres. Some are wanting friendship and some are seeking another mate. I had not posted a photo at first, A guy asked me where my photos were. So I had a friend take photos of me to upload to CM. After my photo was in my profile I didn’t hear a word. I must have scared him off. I had him marked as a Fave. But after a week I removed him from my Fave list. Are members notified when removed from a list? We are notified when someone adds us to theit list. This is a touchy grouup. Anyone who has been married like me for 45 years and looses a spouse has a huge void in their life. It takes guts and courage to become a member to on line dating. We all want to be friends but it’s hard to come right out and ask someone if you could meet. Comments welcome.

  5. Peter-44842 January 4, 2012 Reply

    Good questions. First, if you pardon my mentioning the obvious, its only been a couple weeks at the time of writing this; few results are instant and not quite every event is a full-blown pattern yet.

    1. You are the newbie in usually a small local pool of regulars. They’ve mined their other options (their counterparts) and are curious and vaguely hopeful about a new face in their age range. So, there is often a flurry of views and a few notes before things slow down. I’ll assume your profile is well-presented, since you are a writer, and there need not be one explanation for only a ‘handful’ of contacts. Peoples’ motives online (as in the real world) are often varied and opaque. And ‘not interested’ can cover everything from ‘a little too far’ to ‘I don’t like her cat’ or ‘wait til I have a few bucks to subscribe’ etc. Make your own contacts and don’t worry much about the rest that may be out of your control. But yes, I somewhat agree with our implicit point that CM can be a reticent and / or picky lot. After having run into a number of open, vibrant Catholics on a large secular site. If you’ve gotten a few messages and a few smilely’s you are doing ok; that’s still 5-10 possibilities of a live date. (A number of people would be happy with that.)

    2. The emote / smilely thing is frequently debated in forums. The ones without a message are often sent by people who are interested non-subscribers doing a little fishing. Anecdotally there seem to be a limited proportion of subscribers to people who occasionally come on to check out anyone new. And yes, it can also be a way of gauging interest before one composes a note. Guys are aware they are only going to get a certain percentage of positive responses, due to people not subscribing or general non-interest from their contacts. It is, yes, a bit high schoolish but is one way to break the ice. I welcome any interest and don’t assume too much why they emote instead of wrote.
    3. If distances or odd schedules are involved there are exceptions, if people can’t meet soon. Otherwise I’m going to be a bit bold and say trade a few notes and then suggest at least the phone or a meet.I find the ones who are interested usually know by then and are happy to say yes, the rest (with above exceptions) either leave the fence and can’t take more of your time. The real and eventual test is in person anyway. People often build up images of each other over weeks of indirect pseudo-communication which two minutes in person will completely change (see forums). Contacts can fizzle etc. Barring a good reason, aiming to meet sooner than later, without forcing it, usually sorts out and keeps the better prospects.
    4. Some people from a distance are just curious or even attracted, despite what your and their profiles say about distance or age range ect.. human nature. I personally don’t have the time or interest for penpals, or elaborate cyber-debates, anymore but am polite about it and say thanks or let it go. No big deal.
    5. As other posters said, a simple polite line of non-interest will suffice, particularly at the beginning. Also best never to give any specific reason, which avoids any untruth and won’t feed a counter-response etc. There is also a tacit, if not very polite, “wimp out” (heh) online protocol that when one party goes silent one assumes they are not or no longer interested. (People argue this pro / con in the fora). Let’s just say I can understand why people do this, given some people don’t want to hurt feelings or occasionally I’ll receive an overly persistent or even a few nasty response to a ‘no thank you’. My own sense is to be polite but also mindful of peoples’ dignity, and realize people will see other fish in the pond and quickly move on.

    Best of luck

  6. Jane-627689 October 27, 2011 Reply

    Welcome to CM, Jessica!

    1. Same here and I can’t offer much insight! It is difficult to distinguish between those who are a little reticent and those who simply aren’t interested. I don’t necessarily think it is a bad thing, though. Corresponding with everybody who browsed you could get a little unmanageable. 😉

    2. I don’t know what guys think of them but they do seem to be useful as an icebreaker and sometimes just a way of brightening somebody’s day with a birthday greeting or smile.

    3. Based on experience, I think it is wise to meet sooner rather than later. If the months are ticking by and a person isn’t communicating an interest in meeting in person, it might be time to consider letting them know that whilst you’ve enjoyed the correspondence, you are looking to meet gentlemen in person. If that isn’t a priority for him, it might be best to move on but without burning any bridges.

    4. This is a mystery to me, too! I’ve had messages from men 5000 miles away who want somebody within driving distance. I’d like to think some people indicate boundaries that aren’t set in stone but I’ve found that it is best not to assume. Try to establish early on if a person is truly willing to be open to an LDR.

    5. Although not easy, I think the kind thing to do is let a person know you’ve enjoyed corresponding but don’t think you are a match. Simply wish them well in their search and leave it there. It might sting to be on the receiving end of it but it is infinitely better than stringing somebody along.

    I hope you enjoy your time here, Jessica and that God grants you the desires of you heart. 🙂

  7. Donna-83441 October 25, 2011 Reply

    #4.. If your profile says you will relocate then the other party feels free to make a contact. If it says they are not open to an LDR (It’s just too hard) then I have no clue why they would be writing. The biggest irony is when they say they won’t do an LDR, then say they are willing to live anywhere.. What’s up with that?

  8. Kwaku-654846 October 22, 2011 Reply

    1. Perhaps they’ve decided you’re not their type after reading your profile. Perhaps they’re still deciding whether or not to message or emote you. Perhaps they like you, but haven’t had time to craft a proper message yet.
    In any case, it’s not a bad idea to also check out their profiles and contacting any ones you might like.

    2. I certainly welcome emotigrams!

    3. Normally, after a week or two or so of frequent (and fun) exchanges of messages and/or emotes, I ask for a number and call.

    4. Not necessarily. Sometimes, it’s because you’ve piqued their interest in one way or the other and they wanna get to know you, but they aren’t necessarily thinking of pursuing a relationship. Sometimes it’s because they’s so drawn/attracted to you that they would consider breaking their own driving distance requirement. It depends. If you like the guys, respond and bring up the distance issue.

    5. Just be polite and firm in turning them down if you’re not interested.

    Welcome, Jessica!

  9. Ramona-738757 October 21, 2011 Reply

    Welcome to CM.
    This is just my opinion to the questions asked:

    1. When it comes to getting plenty of views we often forget there are plenty of people. All doing the same thing-Viewing for a potential match.
    If the same person views you more than once he could be shy or had forgot he had viewed you before. I would mesage this person to say, “Hello.”
    2.Emotigrams are just nice surprises to me. I don’t read much into them unless the accompanied message is specific. They just lighten the mood and can brighten a day.
    3.When to meet in person is solely up to the couple. How do you feel? And, I wouldn’t wait if one has been chatting regularly you must get a feel for the person enough to handle either a negative or positive response.
    4.If a person changes there mind about a long distance relationship or it doesn’t coordinate with there profile this person is probably waiting for the right person to change their mind. It could be you!
    5.I wouldn’t send and emotigram if I had been corresponding for a time to stop all contact or to state we don’t suit. You owe the person enough respect to send them a message and be honest, state why you came to this conclusion.Emotigram can be used if there waqs never any messaging.

    These are just my personal opinions. The man thing is to stay positive, open and focused. Give everything confusion, doubts frustration AND your happy moments to God.

  10. Jeri-780693 October 21, 2011 Reply

    Welcome to CM, Jessica, from a fellow newbie.

    These would be great questions to pose in the CM forums, either individually or as separate threads, and doing so will likely generate significant interesting discussion(s).

  11. Patricia-755756 October 21, 2011 Reply

    Hi Jessica,
    Welcome to CM. I am also a CM newbie. I have been on the site for almost a month now and have contemplated pretty much all of the questions you have presented. Let me apologize in advance for my long reply 🙂
    Question #1: I have received a few profile views since I’ve joined, but none of the men have messaged me. I have always taken that as they are not interested, but maybe some can be just shy. I am initially a shy person to(until I get to know someone), so sometimes I will see a man’s profile I may like and hesitate sending a hello. It’s the whole “not wanting to be rejected feeling”. I know you can’t be successful every time you say hello to someone, but when the no’s become more then the yes’s it can get a bit disconcerting. I am getting better at that. I feel self-confidence has a lot to do with it. If you are confidant in yourself & understand not everyone will be compatible with you it does make it easier.
    Question #2: I’m wondering the same thing so guys, please let us know 🙂
    question #3: I am an old fashioned kinda girl. I feel the gentleman should initiate the first date. In the past, I have met some men on-line who I have chatted with for more than 2 weeks who didn’t make that move, so I took the initiative. I feel that since we are on a “dating” site, the key is to “date”; get to know people in person & see if you are a fit. I don’t mind meeting people to be friends with, but if the man’s intention is to date me, than I feel he should make that move within the 1st week or I will 🙂
    Question #4: I agree with you. I have on my profile that I prefer to stay within my area, but men from all over do message me. Then when I read their profiles, some say they prefer that as well. If that’s the case, then why message me? Are they just saying hi to a pretty face before they read our profiles? Do they think they may be able to change our minds if we both seem to hit it off? Only men can answer that.
    #5: This is one of the things I struggle with also, because I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone. If someone messages me and seems like a really nice person, but who’s profile just doesn’t seem like a fit for me, I do try to send them back a nice message. I never want to discourage anyone from continuing their search by being rude. Positivity goes much farther. I know lying isn’t nice, but sometimes a “white lie” is necessary. I will usually say something like: “thank you for your interest in my profile, but I have already found someone I am pursuing on the site. I wish you the best in your continued search & will keep your profile in mind if my situation changes.” It avoids any kind of uncomfortable conversation & for me is better than just ignoring the persons message. It takes a lot for some people to get up the courage to send someone a message and I feel the least I can do is to reply back.
    I hope some of my thoughts helped you and look forward to more responses from other members on your questions 🙂

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