Singles Vs. Marrieds: Are You Too Sensitive?


Just recently my beloved sent an email that asked, “Do you have anyone that you’re hesitant to tell about us?”

I certainly hadn’t refrained from telling any of my friends, but there were definitely a few that I wanted to speak to more tactfully. They were, of course, single friends who, as happy as they might be for me, were unhappily single. I wouldn’t want to make them feel worse.

Then there were family members who, given their lack of relationship experience, made breaking the news awkward. It pained me to even think about what to say or how to say it.

I liken it to the insensitive thin girl who always complains about needing to lose 5 lbs. – to her overweight friend. At best,  it’s thoughtless and uncharitable. At worst, it’s the type of  thinly-veiled gloating  that reveals a cruel streak – one I don’t want to have. I would rather save the raucous, gleeful, ecstatic announcement-making for the friends who are in relationships and opt for a quieter, more level-headed delivery for the single ones.

Certainly, my single friends who know my dating history would be happy that I finally found happiness. They, of course, know all about the periods of intense loneliness, the long bouts of soul-searching, the self-dating project; they knew I’d put myself through the wringer.

For the most part, too, this is exactly what my friends were telling me. One friend, for instance, who’d been single for a long time, told me years ago not to tell her if I was seeing anyone. She couldn’t handle it.

Fair enough, I’d thought. I’d certainly been there.

But I couldn’t avoid telling her for too long; her sister saw me with my beloved at the pool near my home. I quickly texted my friend an apologetic message. Her response: “No worries. You deserve all this happiness. I am there for you.”

This type of response seemed to confirm that was I not wrong in this approach. The email from my beau, though, prompted me to really think about what I was doing. What was I hoping to achieve by doling out separate statements? Was I reinforcing the divide between singles and couples by monitoring my delivery? In trying to appear charitable to some, was I showing pity?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t as I originally thought. I’d hoped that in having a variable method of breaking the news, I’d somehow bridge the gap between singletons and the paired-up world. But that was naive of me.

I could no more bridge that gap than I could mend relations between opposing political parties. I realized that this way of thinking only reinforces the “Us vs. Them” mentality that annexes singletons into a pitiable minority group. 

Then something happened that reinforced to me how wrong I’d been, for a completely different reason. After I told one of my friends – in my calm, level-headed delivery – her twin left me a message: “So, I heard the news, but you sounded less than happy about it. What’s that about?”

Well, that certainly gave me pause. How could I explain what I’d been thinking? Suddenly it all seemed so absurd. Which was more important: sparing the feelings of others or  hiding my own? Was it really so difficult to want others to be happy for me? 

I decided in the end that staying true to myself was the best show of friendship that I could offer to others. In sharing the good news, with all the reckless abandon I could muster, I was allowing others to be joyful for me too. And that reminded me that, more often than not, feelings of cheer and goodwill are highly contagious and worth spreading around!



  1. Jim-397948 October 15, 2011 Reply

    I will let you know as soon as I win $10 million from Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!!!

  2. Veronica-56352 October 14, 2011 Reply

    True friends will always be happy for you! I can’t imagine anyone not being happy for their friends! (I do not have a boyfriend at the present time and I would be thrilled to hear my single friends have made a connection with someone!) I am even happy for those I don’t know, when I hear about their happiness in dating, getting engaged and getting married! There is already so much bad in the world, lets find joy in our friends and neighbors happiness!

    • Kathy-355103 October 15, 2011 Reply

      I totally agree with Veronica! I LOVE hearing good news like this!!!

  3. George-769688 October 11, 2011 Reply

    simply stated : be happy for every one!

  4. Ramona-738757 October 11, 2011 Reply

    First, CONGRATULATIONS! This article was well said. Some people are masters of projection. One must be at the same emotional, spiritual etc. place as them in order to feel true happiness, sympathy, anger with or for another.

    I’ve found that there a different groups within vocations. There is the single that sees their life as a vocation and can be happy within them selves and for others who aren’t single. And there are those who this indeed may be their vocation but, refuse to think it is God’s will and can only be happy around others that are still ‘searching.’ Finally, you have the single person who indeed might have the vocation of marriage but, can’t be happy for another because of their journey. And, you will find those who are deadset against marriage and see it as archaic and cannot respect those that embrace it.

    If you can’t embrace wholeheartedly that which makes you happy in fear of offending a friend, I would take a closer look at the friendship. It would be disrespectful to your beloved and especially to God. After all you went on a journey too. And now have been blessed. That in itself should be celebrated. PEACE.

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