Are You Single Because You’re Too Picky? Try This!


Sometimes the dating process goes a little backward – after a few dates, you start to define those things you definitely don’t want in a relationship before your list of what you do want ever comes into focus.


How many times have you wondered if you are single because you are being too picky about what you want in a mate? I asked myself that question many times when I was single and felt that struggle of wanting to stick to my guns on all the things I wanted in a mate, yet feeling I was closing myself off to opportunities because of it. It’s definitely not an easy answer when you are in the thick of looking for the right relationship.


Well, there is a balance to be found and it comes in the form of this little bit of wisdom I call excess within control.


Excess within control is a simple idea that helps to begin eliminating the worries and mind games your head tries to play with your heart when it comes to discerning who the right one is for you. And the mind games can get out of control.


For example, if you’ve never been married, often times you are basing your criteria for your relationship on something you haven’t done yet. This can be a little precarious because you know you want a lasting relationship but at the same time, you don’t want to be too critical or too demanding of your date.


But it gets a little trickier if you are widowed or divorced. Suddenly there’s the image of the person you were once married to overshadowing this new person in your life. If you had a great marriage before your spouse passed away, how can someone live up to that? If your ex-spouse betrayed you, the thought of that happening again can be terribly scary and you might find yourself being overly critical about little things.


So you have to take a personal inventory of sorts, first to define who you are and what you have to offer someone else in a relationship, then what it is you are looking for. And that’s where excess within control comes into play.


It’s having a clearly defined list of attributes in another person that you know you cannot compromise on, tempered with a sense of adventure and willingness to be surprised.


For example, some absolutes could be:


– You must find him/her attractive
– Must be a practicing Catholic
– Must like pets
– Must be tolerant of your love of political discussions


Your reasoning is simply that you’ve tried dating without those things intact before and it never works. Good work.


So you have your element of control, now what about the excess? Well, as I mentioned earlier, the excess comes with the openness to adventure and surprise. I know that’s hard for people who don’t like surprises (and they usually mention that on their personal profile). But if you can be at least a little bit open, then your possibilities broaden immensely.


Excess could be accepting a date with someone who isn’t your type physically and going on the date with the same excitement and hope as you would with your type. Open the possibilities for an attraction that’s more powerful than physical, women and men alike.


Excess can be reaching out and beginning some meaningful conversations with a member who answers 6/7 faith questions when you really want a 7/7. It’s conversations like these that could lead to a deeper understanding of the faith and be a catalyst for the start of a great relationship.


Excess allows the element of an open mind and surprise while control provides the boundaries you are committed to staying within.

There are so many good men and women at CatholicMatch with great values and big hearts. I hope one day I will read about your success story and beautiful wedding. Until then, just remember…


Excess within control!



  1. Luzviminda-824914 July 27, 2015 Reply

    This is all interesting comment ..God bless everyone of you…

  2. Joe-1133984 July 10, 2015 Reply

    I’m not that picky I just want a non smoker non certain zodialogical sign.
    Not because I believe in horoscopes, but because I’ve known to many and I know we mix like oil and water, not at all.
    And someone within commuting distance due to the fact I can’t drive.

  3. Gail-1067763 July 5, 2015 Reply

    I Just read this article, perhaps it’s been re posted, and thought it provided valuable insight. First of all it included widows who have already been happily married. Will I ever find a man exactly like my late husband? I don’t think so ….was it God’s will that my late husband would die from ALS right at the start of our retirement that we had worked so hard for and looked forward to? I don’t think so. I think God is there for us in good times and bad to support us and help us on the journey of this not so perfect life. CM is a tool that God has offered for us to use but we must help ourselves and use His tools. I will always remember Sister Mary Margaret saying, “you pray that you pass the test (in school) but that doesn’t mean that you don’t study”. Use the tools that God gave us and pray for a little insight on the best way to proceed. God speaks to us in mysterious ways and doesn’t always hit us over the head to get our attention and CM has been a great tool for me and good dating advice also!

  4. Jonathan-612626 January 27, 2013 Reply

    I know I’m coming in this discussion late but I think my insight could help. Being “picky” is not a problem in seeking and choosing your spouse. The biggest problems are the twin problems of not following the Church’s teaching concerning marriage and pride which go hand-in-hand. Marita, you just have to trust in Divine Providence. Only you can choose to love at given time. Love is not a feeling though. It is an act of your will to desire union with and the ultimate good of your beloved. I think for many of us on here the problem is not lack of love but lack of faith and the faith. We need to know our Catholic Faith sufficiently before we even think about getting married.

  5. Mimi-929636 December 28, 2012 Reply sorry things didnt work out with John but im glad you are moving on to better things..
    I believe the Lord who made us,knows our hearts.He knows our desires because He gave us those desires and He promised to bring it to come to pass.Im at peace in my heart for my father knows what i will like in the man i will marry.He wants me to be happy since His plans for me are good so i speak with all certainty that when the real man for me shows up,my heart will say YES to him with great joy and thanks giving.For Gods Blessings add no sorrow,thats how you know its the will of God.1 john 4:18.There is no fear in love.But perfect love(Gods love) casts out fear!!
    When you pray,believe that you have received it.(what you ask in Jesus name you will have)I prayed and asked the Lord as his Word says and i have received it in faith.I know it will manifest in the physical before the end of next month.Im standing on the Word of God and He NEVER fails.Wish you all the best.KEEP THE FAITH

  6. Jeann-850705 November 22, 2012 Reply

    The way the man I though God gave me behave is too rude, I think we are not on the same page and I decided to turn the page.

  7. Jeann-850705 November 16, 2012 Reply

    That is you. I do not look for his age when I see he is older than me. Thanks God, the one I love is full of energy, stronger & faster than a young 25 years old years because I watched him moving around.

  8. Jeann-850705 November 10, 2012 Reply

    Ages differences are not always a problem in a couple. I have seen that before. In particular with women. In the past women were able to marry men sometimes 20+ their elders but the marriage survive. For young men to marry old women is not always true. For me, I would not like a man to be too young for me. One or two are the limit. Some men no matter their ages behave themselves as a persons. I love the one God choses for me. He has not told me his age; since I know that it was God decision to meet him, I know for certain he is not younger than me. I love him

    • Marita-847688 November 14, 2012 Reply

      Okay. Age is one area that I need work on. I just can’t see myself with someone twenty years my senior. That’s closer to my parent’s age than me.

      • Jeann-850705 November 16, 2012 Reply

        That is you. I am not looking for a man age if I love him. Thanks God, mine is full of energy. I have seen him running & he is faster than 30 years old young man.

  9. Jeann-850705 November 7, 2012 Reply

    I have not been married because I do not like mediocrity. I want to wake up everyday to tell myself that I made a good choice. I have been watching married couples and learned that many of divorces happened because people build their life in false foundation. If a marriage is build in false foundation, it can encounter many problems as times pass. For example a man who marries a woman because she is pretty or from a rich family or have a good position in life for instance, the day that one of the attribute will be eliminated, the man will seek for someone else. The same as the woman who marries a man for just because he is handsome, elegant, financial established, from a nice family, well known figure in the society, the marriage can shake also the day that one of the attribute why she marries will not exist. Imagine yourself to love the person not just for the short time. To see your life with him in future no matter who he becomes, for the best and for the worst. Showing affection and be supportive to each other, it is not always easy to think like that but with the help of God, everything is possible. If you let him God guide you to the right person. But do not make mistake, know how to interpret God signs in your life. Do not be stubborn to refuse to listen very well to God’s hand. You might be disappointed of what happened to you before in your marriage, but it does not mean that every woman is the same or every man is the same. You can be battled all those failures for ever. Give yourself another chance if you think of getting married to anyone, get marry to good and lasting foundation.

    As for me the man I think God gave to me, I am trying to give him another chance to decide and I am working to facilitate that. I am asking God guidance also, but I will not waste my time to waiting for ever. Living with a man is not a bargain. if he does not show any sign of interest I will abandon that & consider that he was not meant for me. I will have to pray to God, if it is not him to send me better person, and who possesses better qualities than the first & I will not have to regret my choice to make that decision till the rest of my life
    God is the one will decide, He, John has his own life in control.

  10. Gabriel-875455 November 7, 2012 Reply

    Are search for the “right” person has taken many astray from the person , but all those people have taught us all something . Keep on , don’t give up . We have hope , faith , and Love the Greatest of these is Love .
    I have been divorced for 13 yrs , but that has not stoped me from looking for Gods sign , sometimes the person has that “look” , but it is not the person God wants for me but somebody that has something that God wants me to know more about myself and what He wants for me .
    I was told be a good friend that what I have asked God for He will give me , my good friend said have patients . So all I can say is if God is with you who can be against you .

    • Jeann-850705 November 7, 2012 Reply

      I have no clue what you are talking about. Can you rearrange your note?
      Thank you

  11. Mary-732729 November 5, 2012 Reply

    I pray that when I meet and fall in love with my future spouse, God presents the gentleman that is my heart’s desire. God had him picked out before I was born and He knows what is best for my life. This will be the person who will help me along my path towards Heaven. And, remember the great song, “Goodnight, My Someone”?

    • Jeann-850705 November 5, 2012 Reply

      God will make it happen. He knows what will be the best match for us. If you are destined for a marriage, pray and do everything according to his word.

  12. Jeann-850705 November 5, 2012 Reply

    Physical attraction is not all.

    • Marita-847688 November 5, 2012 Reply

      No, its not. My main issue is I’m scared that if I get married won’t love the person that God has chosen for me. Also, I wonder how much we are in control of our own destiny when it comes to choosing a spouse. So far it seems that Jenny is the closest person to coming to understand me.

      • Jeann-850705 November 5, 2012 Reply

        If it is God that choose your husband, there is no need to worry in this case; because God knows what is best for us & God does not give anything bad to anybody. If you think that he made that choice, you will realize later on that is one the best choice ever made in your life. I have never regretted any choice God made for me. All them for my own good. At the beginning, I was not sure, if God made that choice, but later on, putting things together, I can testify that the way things were done, only God could have made it happened it.

        My story with John, is a true story, people in my parish knows “my father”. He had a plant in the church for me that he was watering every monday. He passed friday December 31, 2010, and just a year later friday December 30, I met John. He always said to me that when I leave this world, it will be for my benefit. “Do not be sad for me” I will pray for you & for God to bring you someone in your life, & someone like you who love God. I think I will stop there because I cannot say more.

      • Jeann-850705 November 6, 2012 Reply

        What are you searching on men? What attract you to a man? The responses will help answering your question?
        I know my priorities for men:
        God fearing person & catholic will be the perfect for me.
        A true humane in any matter.
        A loving, caring, good family values, understandable person, patient, open to other societies, a sharing person. Romantic person will be a big plus (we can always help with that). Someone who understands me, who loves me for just whom I am. Someone who will help to correct our defaults and work out our differences; someone we can grow together & find out that, at least with him, I accomplished something in life and my life was not a waste with him. Someone who will love me for just who I am and I will love him for just who he is. Someone my heart will be beaten for him in any time
        I will help him in learning French if he does not.

  13. Jeann-850705 November 3, 2012 Reply

    I have lowered my expectations about men after years of thinking. I lost on Friday Dec 31, 2010, a dear person (86 old father) who had adopted me as his own child. He treated me as a “princess” as people like to say. He would had liked to see me get married to someone before his death but I was not doing anything for that. After his death, I realized that I do need a man figure in my life. I gave to myself till the end the year 2011 if I do not find a real human & true who fit my patterns, I will give up this idea. When I met John Friday, Dec 30, in bizarre circumstances at the exit of the subway; I believe he knows me & has been watching me for sometimes before he made his mind to approach me. He told me that, he knows me from churches in DC, including our own parish. I did not pay attention to his look. Till now I do not recall seeing him prior to this. He gave me his business card. 4 days after that, I called him just to be humane . I spoke to him briefly and he sent me a test message & see how we can meet. The following week I met him, was in the church, he confirmed to me later that he belongs to my parish. Since I did not pay attention to his look the first time, I was not too sure if he was the one. His appearance look different & I want to know more, I approached him at the end of the service I asked him,if he was John, his response was :”you got it”. He invited me to meet for coffee. I could not & postponed to another day. We were exchanging test messages. Few days later was my birthday, he offered to do something with him. What I want it to go to see a show in DC.
    From there I start realizing that it was not just by a chance that I met him. I told myself, it might be God who sent him to my way. Almost the anniversary of death of “my father” that cannot be just a coincidence; I see God hands here. I do not know anyone who know him and anything about him for me to start that to give him a chance to start a relation… Our first meting he told me that he was a divorced man. I could easily tell that he wanted me to know that, I facilitated that, being so diplomatic, I did not ask him directly if he was married or no but our talk brought him to reveal me that.
    T he difficulties came, I believe when he has been following the advises of his surrounding friends. My birthday, John was hesitating to take me out because of his own friends advises. I was very disappointed of him for that. He called me later to take me to dinner with his own friend and one of his big advisor to check all details about me. This one was trying hard from the beginning to denigrate me & believe that needs someone from his own race for John I will not be surprise his friends have told him that being with him perhaps because of his financial status. I do not know too much bout that. What I know he is an armed retired I am not a rich person, but I have lived in a rich environment before & met some who belong to this class. If I have to look for a rich man, I should have not waited to meet him, John. I have some men not too many who have tried that means to have me but it did not work out. It could solve to many things in my life if I have wanted it but none can buy me with money. I want a long lasting relation not do things because everybody is doing that. NO & NO for me. And beside that, I need a christian, a Catholic man who practice his faith. Not any kind of joker. I do not pay too much attention to my own appearance (to attract a man just for that), even so people including women have confirmed it to me that I am attractive; because God sending man is the best and is the everlasting one. No money can buy me. His friends have put a lot in John mind that, he does not believe me that, I do not have any man in my life. His attitude has changed; he no longer returns my calls and my tests. His friends have advised him to look for someone of his own race also.

  14. Ethan-229399 November 1, 2012 Reply

    Any articles on single dudes who are 30 and never been on a date, I have no idea what i’m doing here, and something i didn’t realize when i was younger is that when your older all your friends will be too busy with these questions. Also how does a person get self-esteem, wtf am i doing never mind.

  15. Elizabeth-642141 November 1, 2012 Reply

    I enjoyed the article. I think we do have free will to choose who we want to end up married too. Its just that people base on what a good mate on things that are very supperficial. We as Catholics from Theology of the Body are called not use people. So we should look for what is true and beautiful in everyone. Society says marry the hotest guy who makes the most money and can have the most fun with. It says nothing about getting along with him or her just how to have fun. Than when the fun is done leave because you can. Thats not god’s plan for us. We are called to see what is true and beautiful in everyone and also be in love and responsible for our loved ones. Love and Responsibilty by JP2 does a great explanation of how we should choose a mate and what we should do in the relationship.

  16. Veronica-56352 November 1, 2012 Reply

    Great post and food for thought! I hope those who read this take it to heart. We all should be open to God’s Will and one way to do that is to come out of our comfort zone. Take a look at profiles that may not be 100% but, can through gettting to know someone, open a door to friendship, communication and beyond! God’s Will not ours! Jesus We Trust In You. Veronica

  17. George-769688 November 1, 2012 Reply

    Maybe you should just forget the ‘soul mate thing’. In ancient times a man would just see a woman and ask her father for her hand in marriage. No searching, endless dates or wondering if you missed or not found the ‘one’.
    Let God guide you effortlessly to the person that can be and should be there for you, just be patient. (remember they are doing the same thing too.)

    • Marita-847688 November 1, 2012 Reply

      I truly believe there is such a thing as soul mates. I think I would have been insulted if I lived in back in that day and age and to top it off my father would get a donkey. A donkey for a woman. How is that fair? And the man does the searching? I would have a hard time letting go of control. My whole issue is control. We have to “Let go and Let God”, but that is something that is hard for me because I’m scared I won’t like His decision. Again, the logic isn’t there. I know somewhere deep down that He doesn’t want me to be with someone I don’t want to be with, but I just hope the person that He wants me to be with I want to be with. Is this making sense to anyone?

      • Jenny-632094 November 1, 2012 Reply

        Hi Marita!
        I’ve struggled with the questions you have. In my journey, here are some of the things I’ve learned:
        1. Especially when it comes to our vocations, God does not want us to be miserable. (Spiritual directors keep telling me this over and over). How do you know something is from God? The fruits of the Spirit- peace, joy, love, etc. You will find these in your relationship when it is right.
        2. I’ve heard that as a Catholic you SHOULD be attracted the person you are going to marry. I wish I could give you a link or something, but I’ve read that somewhere. God wants our vocation to be fruitful and successful. I think this is even how we know God is calling us to that person. He puts the desire to be with that person in our heart.
        3. When you are not in a relationship, it’s easy to have a superficial list in our heads of what we want, who we are attracted to, etc. I used to be scared that God wouldn’t call me to be with someone I wasn’t physically attracted to. But the funny thing is, when you get to know someone, and start falling for someone (especially the right person), you will be physically attracted to them, even if you may not have been initially. I think that is why it is important to be open- you don’t have to worry about the “falling in love” part. It will just happen if it is right.

        4. A wonderful book that has helped me in many aspects of life (I’m a huge over-analyzer) is “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence” by Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure, and Blessed Claude de la Columbiere. I highly highly recommend it. It’s all about God’s will in our lives.

        God Bless you!

      • Tommy-905087 November 1, 2012 Reply

        If you can’t communicate rational and real reasons for a choice, then it is not God’s will. It’s just your intuition, short-circuiting thought and discovery processes, in order to make you feel comfortable with your decision. At worst, it involved the deadly sin of Sloth – intellectual laziness, and vanity/pride to assert to know God’s will with such assumption and no hard evidence. At best, it is delusion and using God’s good name to justify your whims of the day. It’s an abuse of the Faith to participate in that divining process. If you do not have real, rational reasons for making a choice, and you’re not comfortable with the unknowns involved, then you should not be proceeding with the choice. You should be invoking the virtue of patience and diligence to find the real evidence God puts in your path so that you can be certain that it is “logical” and God’s will. The last thing you should do is to assert to know God’s will, to justify your decision that is based only on your intuition and whims of the day.

  18. Tommy-905087 October 25, 2012 Reply

    Bryan brings up another good angle Sister Marita! You might also check out Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser, M.D. You can only control your patterns of thoughts and actions directly. Physiology and emotions indirectly result from our patterns of thoughts and actions – you can never access or seek them directly.

    The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory
    1. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
    2. All we can give another person is information.
    3. All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
    4. The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
    5. What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
    6. We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
    7. All we do is behave.
    8. All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
    9. All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
    10. All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

    • Marita-847688 October 25, 2012 Reply

      Tommy, thanks for your imput. It’s a little hard for me to understand what you’re trying to say, but I guess I might look into that book. On a different note, when you call me Sister Marita it makes me sound like I’m a nun. Hmmm……?

      • Tommy-905087 October 25, 2012 Reply

        Marita – it’s my pleasure. I’m sorry I can’t convey the ideas more quickly to you, but these questions you ask touch on very deep concepts.

        We are all brothers and sisters, Sister Marita, in the family of the Trinity, but if you don’t like that vernacular, I don’t have to use it 😉 I generally refer to faithful acquaintances in those terms.

        I would definitely recommend James Stalker’s book, and also Dr. Glasser. You might use – the Catholic Encyclopedia online. I’ve been using it for over a decade. You’ll find answers on Free Will, Private Revelation, Public Revelation, etc. – all sorts of knowledge that will provide you with answers to all of these questions and more.

        Here’s a question for you – list the specific things that you think could possibly be too picky, in your mind..

        • Marita-847688 October 25, 2012 Reply

          Hmmm….Catholic. I guess I can get picky about height. My ordeal is not really not a matter of being picky but of marrying someone I don’t love because that’s God’s will for me. I know the logic totally isn’t there. Why would he want me to marry someone if I don’t love them? Shouldn’t human love reflect divine love? Still, it’s a real fear of mine.

          • Tommy-905087 October 25, 2012 Reply

            Dating a Catholic is a reasonable standard. The farther from God your mate is, the stronger you will have to be to draw them into a path towards God, if you love them and value their soul, that would be a natural inclination. You would have to accept that there may be no way to guide them towards a path of saving grace, even with the most beautiful and virtuous love.

            You would also have to be highly confident in your own understanding of the Faith and God’s Truth in order that you may be the spiritual leader in the relationship. You would also have to forgive them when their non-Catholic indoctrination leads them to failure and tempts you towards sin and disobeying God.

            For the rest – 1) fear is often a product of uncertainty. The way to transform it into courage is to seek Truth and understanding. Be still and know. Discover what the uncertainties are, and apply intellectual diligence towards replacing the uncertainty with rational knowledge and understanding. Then, the fear is gone.

            2) Here is another thing to consider in order to better understand your ordeal. a) have you been in love before? b) if yes, how would you describe that love? c) if yes, how did you know for certain that you were in love? d) In your mind, when you assert that “I know God’s will is x, y, z”, how do you arrive there? What did you do to figure it out?

  19. Bryan-263353 October 25, 2012 Reply

    Marita, God knows everything, including what will happen to us, and what decisions we will make, indluding choosing a husband or wife. However, just because he knows every decision that we will make, it doesn’t mean that we do not have free will to make them. You said, “How can I find someone else if I am destined to be with that person?” Destiny, in my opinon, is not something that we have to concern ourselves with. God knows our destiny, but we do not. We only make decisions. Pray that you will leave your destiny to God, and pray that you will make good, sound decisions that will please him along the way. God bless you.

  20. Tommy-905087 October 25, 2012 Reply

    I think the ideas on God’s will are somewhat disconcerting. We have to be careful to not assert our own psychological tricks over the majesty and reverence of the Trinity – using an abstraction like “God’s will” to simply justify our whims of the day and what is easily identified as simple intuition. We also must not use the Trinity to avoid thinking deeply and honestly about our place and the place of others, with rational and tangible ideas.

    If we simply stop short of communicable reasoning, we are resigning ourselves to Sloth in intellectual laziness; thus, abusing our Faith further, and thus growing apart from our Lord. There are real reasons for all we experience in God’s physical domain. Those reasons are revealed to us as we demand understanding of the Truth in our own minds, and adopt the virtue of diligence to explain our reality. God’s wisdom in our theology is a framework for excellent guidance in optimizing our ability to understand these things. But God never does it for us. We must correctly apply the teachings, and we must be virtuous to succeed in our quest for Truth and understanding.

    Now, let’s say, you have carried all the crosses God has placed on your shoulders, truly reconciled your sins that have harmed others – with atonement and penance – not just rushing to the sacrament of Confession, but also with real remedial action and full disclosure to those you have wronged (in order to prove with ACTION that you are “heartily” sorry, not flight from real consequence and evoking delusions in your mind), and if, in this state of grace, you continue to reject sin and grow in your level of the seven heavenly virtues – then, you can be FAIRLY certain that you are in line with God’s will, and His plan for you.

    Here’s the next important item – even if you are walking in this state of grace, God’s plan may not even include a spouse. God calls the married to raise children, the clergy to teach His Word, and the single to most powerfully enact His plans in the world (as single people naturally have much more time to devote to Good Works outside of child rearing and Clergy duties).

    All will be right in your life, if you can do those things, irrespective of whether you are walking with a spouse or not.

    Romantic and Godly love? Well, Lisa brings up a great point, and her article is very well written. But the point only scratches the surface. The topic should be contemplated and elaborated further. I might come back within a few weeks to help out. God bless you all and may your day be filled with the unconditional love of Christ!

  21. Yolanda-497868 October 23, 2012 Reply

    I think, God communicates His will to us, deep within our hearts, in our “wanting”, something or someone, i.e., to be with someone the rest of our lives, for as long as this leads us to God. And somehow, through prayer and discernment, we see God’s hand in the way things proceed, such as the other person, wanting us too. Yes, there may be bumps along the road and difficulties ahead of us but somehow, we feel the strength and are at peace and feel the joy with the decision to proceed with the relationship.

  22. Stephen-725391 October 23, 2012 Reply

    Lisa, I think I know what you are getting at BUT

    Good friends of mine – married over ten years now met on-line. The 1st line of your example happened, Dennis saw through to the inner-attractiveness. Second one wasn’t even on the scale, he was Southern Baptist divorced and she Irish Catholic never married and they dated and got engaged THEN he had to have the Church annul his protestant marriage.

    I think the “Excess within control” has got to be explained as being a bit broader than your example would allow!

    One that I happen to be running into is not considering a man in his 60’s!


  23. Marita-847688 October 22, 2012 Reply

    Since God has already chosen the person He wants us to be with, are we still allowed to be picky or have excess within control? What if the man God chose for me I don’t even get along with, is not attractive to me, is not Catholic, and/or does not share my values? I’m afraid God’s going to give me someone I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with or even like.

    • Maria-846262 October 23, 2012 Reply

      Marita, I don’t even understand your questions. If you are not attracted to the man, he doesn’t share your values and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him, or like him, God didn’t send him to you. God doesn’t play jokes on people and you don’t have to be with anyone you don’t want to be with. It really is pretty simple, look for someone else.

      • Marita-847688 October 23, 2012 Reply

        But what if that scenario actually happens and I’m supposed to be with someone I don’t want to but I just can’t accept it? You said for me to “find someone else”, but how can I find someone else if I am destined to be with that person? If people do have free will, then how do people know they are making the right choice? How do we know that God doesn’t want us to be with someone that we are not all that crazy about? People used to have arranged marriages. I bet there was at least someone who didn’t want to be with the person they were matched up with. I guess I’m having a hard time distinguishing the line between not being too picky and accepting God’s will.

        • Marita-847688 October 23, 2012 Reply

          What I am trying to say is that if there were a scale of people who we most wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, how do we know that God did not pick #1 for us and instead picked #2 or #100?

          • Marita-847688 October 23, 2012 Reply

            To twist things further, let’s say #100 is supposed to be your soul mate and can be #1 if you give them a chance, but you can’t get yourself to go on a date with him because you just don’t see the qualities in them that you want them to have. So you’re really not being with someone you don’t want to be with but rather, out of the hardness of our hearts or even pickiness, we can’t let them be our #1. Is that saying no to God’s will?

          • Tommy-905087 October 25, 2012 Reply

            Sister Marita, I can see that you are in a state of looking for answers. I’m not sure how much any of this has helped you, but please do review my other comments on this thread. I also would recommend you read a great book by Rev James Stalker DD written around the turn of the 19th century called “the seven deadly sins”, and also search for a wikipedia article on the seven heavenly virtues. As you grow in grace and virtue with better understanding of God’s instructions for behavior, so too, will you see in your neighbors in society what their challenges and gifts are, and this clarity will make your romantic relations go much more deliberately and smoothly. The direction that you find in this, will also increase your appreciation for the irrefutable Truth of God’s Word and His commands for our lives and our place in His world. Sister Marita, I hope that you find peace and greater understanding that helps to allay the confusion you are experiencing now. All of your questions are understandable. You are a good soul to be engaged in such contemplation. I pray that you find the answers that you are seeking. If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me directly. God bless and keep you.

        • Viola-899655 October 26, 2012 Reply

          Dear Marita,

          I do not know the answer to your questions, but reading your lines I just remembered St Rita of Cascia. We watched a film about her life with my sisters from my church community and discussed it afterwards. It’s about an arranged marrriage. I can only recommend it to you.

          God bless you and your searching.

    • Marilyn-597098 October 23, 2012 Reply

      I disagree with this statement. I believe that God is all knowing of all things that includes our personalities. I believe that there isn’t just one person for you. Gods plan of who is most appropriate for us changes based on where we are in life. However Gods ultimate goal is us to return home to him but there will always be more than one path because he reserves us free will with the bottom line that we seek him first.

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