I Want a Fresh Start, But I Can’t Give Up Sex


In a couple of my recent posts, I spoke of saving our most beautiful and precious gift of sexuality for our spouse in marriage. Some people have given their sexuality away freely. Others have been duped into giving it up when they did not wish to, and still others gave away their most precious gift because they thought they had found love. Then, when it all blew up, they were left feeling wounded, empty, and perhaps even feeling betrayed. (In certain cases, their sexuality was taken from them against their will).

Someone might say; “It’s all fine and dandy to talk about the beauty of saving our sexuality for marriage, but what if it’s too late? What if you’ve already given it away?” As a speaker on love and relationships, these important questions always and inevitably arise. Therefore, I would like to address them and offer some sound, practical advice on how to start over. Whatever your situation is, and no matter where you have been, I would like you to know that it’s never too late to start anew!

Learn from your mistakes. This is key!  Think about where you went wrong and how not make those same mistakes in the future.

Make a definitive commitment to start over! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make a commitment of purity to God, to yourself, and to your future spouse who you probably don’t know yet. Make a commitment to wait until marriage (and this pledge goes for all sexuality—not just going all the way). Save your whole self, not just part of it.

Your beautiful gift of sexuality can be likened to a bank full of money. You are supposed to save it all for your soulmate and then spend it with them freely forever. However, sometimes we have made a mistake, or many, and give it away before the proper time, only realizing much later that it was a big mistake. Whatever the case, the best thing to do is make a definitive decision to start again. Start saving that money again through the practice of purity and faithfulness to your future spouse. Write a letter of commitment to them if you need to—or many.

Pray and go to Confession This is the best way to start over with God and with yourself. God will forgive you, but you will also need to forgive yourself. Confession is a fantastic way to help wash away the past, along with feelings of guilt that may be weighing on you. It is common to feel like “used goods,” but God can purify you and make you as white as snow! He can write straight with crooked lines, and He has accomplished this with many people before you.

I have heard stories of people making big mistakes sexually and then decided to start over. When they recommitted their life to God, He healed them, helped them, and made them new. Some are in successful marriages now because they allowed to God to heal them.

Find a good support. Since this may be a difficult process, it’s important to find good friends and good support—even good Catholic counseling if needed. Additionally, it is important to re-educate yourself. Read good books on the subject of love, relationships, and marriage. You may want to check out books by Jason and Crystalina Evert, which are both helpful and healing. Women can consider the book, How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul

They also have a DVD Romance Without Regret, and even though it was made for a teen audience, trust me when I say it’s for everyone. Young adults have received a lot from it, and have had their lives changed too.

Other recommend books:

Boundaries in Dating

The Good News about Sex and Marriage

Love and Responsibility, by Pope John Paul II.

This short article, What is the Process for Staring Over?, may also be helpful.

Starting over is not easy and takes courage. It takes getting over low self-esteem and regret, along with the lies telling us we are not worthy or good enough. So, anyone taking on this journey, I congratulate you and give you credit for doing the right thing. Stay close to Jesus, and let Him heal you, purify you, fill you, and lead you to your future spouse!



  1. Phil-915991 July 29, 2014 Reply

    Find a woman who compliments her man, and he will not stray. Just as a bull is slow to leave a salt lick and a “gut warm”, a man who has a solid, and satisfying relationship, will have to be shoved out the door to be unfaithful in any aspect. Tend to your home. Do not allow another woman or man to stay in your home. Be mindful of your spouses needs, and YOU satisfy their desire! Works both ways. WORD!

  2. Jocelyn-1018439 February 17, 2014 Reply

    I am glad i read it i agree with you.
    I do believe in Miracles, It does

  3. Nina-1026348 November 7, 2013 Reply

    Oh I realized after posting that anyone in this type of comment wouldn’t still be on here. How about does anyone KNOW of any couple fitting my comments? Can this be real?

  4. Nina-1026348 November 7, 2013 Reply

    Did anyone out here actually gave up sex in any form till marriage and are they still faithfully monogamous- both spouses and still deeply in love with only each other? I know God would highly approve of this but I don’t know if I’ll find the best chemistry with a man who will propose and marry me.. I don’t think marriage is for everyone, but I do believe in miracles.

  5. Marge-938695 November 5, 2013 Reply

    The article left out the phrase: GROW UP!

    In a loving marriage you don’t get sex anytime you want — even though you “deserve” it because you have made a commitment, taken a vow, and make a daily effort to care for an please your spouse. Illness, worries, children, work, and Mother Nature herself all conspire against you sometimes.

    A person who “can’t give it up” is self-focused, not focused on sharing with a loved one.

  6. Carmen-1025122 November 5, 2013 Reply

    The Church AND the Bible are explicit about fornication. The Godly do not indulge in the corruption and sin of the world. They live for God. That don’t mean I hate my body. Contrary. I love it so much that only one man shall ever know it, and till death we shall be together.

  7. Gary-927394 November 4, 2013 Reply

    I love the Godly concept of oneness. Christ one with the Father. God’s children one with the Lord. Man one with woman. Its a lot easier to not do “it” if the act of being one becomes a celebration, a gift of one’s essence rather than the socially popular, crass using of another’s body..which like abortion ends up with the discarding of a child of God. One act heals and completes. The depth of joy is so much more profound knowing God is with us, blessing us.

  8. Erin-997783 November 4, 2013 Reply

    I agree with Carrie. And very nice article, nonetheless.

  9. Esther-532964 November 4, 2013 Reply

    Good article! I’m glad I read it!

  10. Carrie-529869 November 3, 2013 Reply


    I couldn’t find away to contact you directly. May I please ask that you consider exchanging a word in this article? Saving “sex” for marriage instead of “sexuality”.

    Sexuality is who we are created in our identity– being made male or female. Which means we actually share our sexuality (properly understood), with everyone, because that is how we relate, as a man or a woman.

    This is an important distinction, because people have lost the understanding that gender means something. The word “sex” itself is more properly understood as the marital act, in this context.

    Thank you for your consideration.

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