Are Men Avoiding Women Over 40?


Time Running Out

I recently received a question via email that I believe merits some attention and so I thought I would share a little bit of it with you. The author writes:

Do men think women over 40 are no longer potential spouse material because they may not be able to conceive?” … [Some men] say they liked my profile, but they are looking for someone younger because they are hoping to still have a family… Shouldn’t one be looking for a spouse based on their values and character?

I can very much relate to this woman’s concern and found myself in the same position as her at one point. I was getting older, myself and as a single woman, I felt I was running into the same concern at least a few times. But then, I started dating a guy I really liked and when things began to get serious, we had the talk about children because not only was I an older woman, but I had already been told by doctors that because of past medical complications, I was unable to conceive a child at all. Since he and I both came from large Catholic families, I knew this would be an issue, but his response took me by surprise; he told me he loved me and if we got married, we would let God work out the details. We could always look at adoption which was not our first desire, but we were certainly very open to the idea.

13 years and 3 natural born children later, I’m grateful for his approach to our relationship and believe it was the right way to go. I was in my early forties when I had our third child via c-section.

The doctors in my case may have been medically correct, but the simple fact of the matter is God wanted to bring forth children in our marriage. As a matter of fact, when I first became pregnant, my doctor sat me down and said, “You do realize this is a miracle, right? Someone with your medical history should not be able to conceive. And in the very rare event it happens, it wouldn’t be without years of fertility intervention.” And that’s the thing I love the most about sharing that part of my story with others: being able to show everyone that God does what He wants, regardless of science and human close-mindedness. He has a plan for each one of us. We just need to do what we’re supposed to do and trust Him with the rest.

Not only that, but medical science is extremely advanced these days and there are many older women who are having children and are being well-taken care of by doctors. The award-winning actress, Holly Hunter, had twin boys when she was 48. Please don’t mistake this example as my advocating that women should wait to have children, but please do take it as encouragement that even if you’re concerned that time is slipping away, you should continue your search for a mate who will love you for who you are. Someone who is interested in building a solid, lasting relationship first and is open to whatever God has planned for you after that.

But it is an interesting question to think about… how many wonderful relationships have you passed up based upon one small criteria that you were inflexible on, but could have become a relationship that blossomed into something truly wonderful?

To the woman who wrote the email, and to all those like her with similar concerns, don’t get discouraged in your search, just hold out for that one person who loves you exactly the way you are. I believe they’re out there and I believe God has great plans for you!

I take my coffee black, and I take your questions and comments at



  1. Teresa-1092129 October 17, 2014 Reply

    I am grateful I found this treasure of an article. There are times I too think I have reached the magic expiration date in dating. I liked the hope this article gives and how it reminded me there is no such thing as a magic expiration date in dating.

  2. Michael-369664 June 16, 2014 Reply

    A really great book to read is Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb. She raises the issue of how often she and many women discard good marriage prospects when they were under 30. After 35 the dating pool shrinks, and by 40 many women are acutely aware it’s going to be very tough to meet a quality man. She went through it, and I don’t think she ever found a husband. She also cited one study which said–85% of the women surveyed wanted a man 6 ft. tall or taller. The problem is only 15% of the male population lands in the area of height. If you have 85% of the women chasing only 15% of the men–you’ll have a real problem filling the need.
    Patti Stanger–she does the matchmaker show on Bravo said your age range should be ten years up and ten years down. I see so many women limit themselves here esp. after 50. Cast a wide net, and you might be surprised. I’m 58 and my libido is pretty tame now, a younger woman—to me that means under 40–is a fantasy or a nightmare. It would never work out, and luckily they aren’t coming my way. If they did I would assume they have daddy issues or are gold diggers. It makes no sense for a woman to date a guy twenty years her senior unless she has a hidden agenda. I don’t find being older makes me any more attractive to women. Most 50 plus women want younger too. They’ve been told a lot of media lies about how great it is to be a cougar. The worst examples of this you will find on Be careful if you use that site!

  3. Michael-369664 June 2, 2014 Reply

    I’ve been on several dating websites. I’m now 58, never married, and retired due to illness. I think it’s a huge myth that men can easily date younger women as they age up. I’d be glad to date women in their 40s, but I would not to have children this late in life. I simply may not live long enough to raise them.
    Men are attracted to fertility, and women are attracted to power and success. This happens because nature wants the species to survive. What I find sad is how many woman 40 and esp. 50 plus limit their prospect pool with age, height, and income requirements. Ladies your choices are limited already, don’t cut out prospects due to arbitrary measures. I have not had any responses in the three months I’ve been on I notice most of the women sent to me as a match are either widowed or divorced. None of them impressed me. After 55 your market value out there is almost zero for both sexes. I regret now not trying harder earlier in life to be married. Eventually you simply age out of the dating market. I hate to say it, everyone is attracted to younger people for a simple reason–they usually aren’t bitter, jaded, or burned out by life —yet. They have not been hurt or lived through life’s rough patches. They also have a degree of hope and optimism older folks lack. It’s hormonal and emotional I’m sure. We all pass through that stage eventually. I can’t ever be young again, and dating younger women won’t help there either.
    I’d love to find a single woman 45-50 who still has hopes and dreams and wants to share them with a partner. I just find my age is a total barrier to meeting that person anywhere today.

    • Poppy-1148436 November 13, 2014 Reply

      Michael, amazingly you and I share the same thought. I just turned 46 last week, never married. I wished I had the guts to do that when I was younger

      I am sorry to know that you going through some illness that you are having . I wouldn’t have children this late in life either but I do want to marry and have someone who will be with me to spend my life with. It’s difficult to look and date when you are in your 40s in Asia, that’s the dilemma that we are facing for those singles.

      Maybe I thought I did not pray hard enough or good enough to deserve to have some and get married. I wished I could get to know you when I was younger. Who knows by God’s will we will see each other at the end of the day

  4. Ellen-1025919 February 17, 2014 Reply

    Frankly, I am tired of seeing age discrimination against women continue to online dating. I am 63 years old and in great shape, with a lot of energy for life and exercise. I am not over weight, eat a healthy diet and have more energy than the men who online dating sites want to set me up with. I would prefer to date someone who accurately meets my physical profile, for example, a lot of energy, exercises daily etc., I do not want to date a man just because his age is within 3 years either way of mine. I want to meet some fellow who is willing to take a chance no matter what the age stated maybe… I am not a typical 63 year old female. For the man no matter what the age if you are looking for a woman to have biological children with I am not a match for you. For any other man regardless of age if you match my physical level and youthful outlook, I would love to meet you. When you love someone you love that person for who they are not what they can do for you. Thanks for listening/ reading.

  5. Patrick-1031542 December 28, 2013 Reply

    My criteria for age is for someone over 40, actually over 50. I am currently dating a woman of 75, 15 years older than me. She is beautiful. She does not have that 20 something beauty but the 20 something does not have hers and will not for decades to come.

    I was married for over 40 years when my wife died and I am interested in a woman with some experience at living, and loving, and grieving together.

    If I marry again, and God’s plan calls for a child, I would love him as I love my other children but I would be worried about living long enough to to support her into adulthood and having the energy to be a good father.

    As for attributes of beauty, all women are beautiful. Some are more so than others but it is there in all of them. The fun is in finding it.


  6. Bernard-688509 December 10, 2013 Reply

    I just am not into marrying women that aren’t going to bear my children. If you are slim, good, still no ring coming your way, especially the divorcees,

    Being that I don’t have pre-marital sex, as I alluded to above. It’s lonely, but in this sick society, it’s the BEST way to live.

    Hypergamous women historically and CURRENTLY, would rather be somebody like Geraldo Rivera’s 7th wife then be the ONE and ONLY wife of a “plodding provider” (as I have heard that term used of non-wealth, non-power seeking men) such as myself, who started life from scratch, had some success, worked hard, and built a life, but not a wealthy or connected or privileged life.. So you get what you shack up with.

    It’s the dialectic of sexual selection. In romance I am a “loser”, but in life, I have always been and will continue to be a “winner”, with or without some woman who is looking for someone else instead of a decent looking, From a 118 pound 20 year old to a 200 pound 40 year old, I was the same person. Women wanted “better”.

    You women should check out this website. I was written by an Indian man who can see what is going on in Western Civilization, because he is not from it. I could have written this, but he wrote it first, so I pass it on.

    If you women have sons and daughters, THEY should read it to see what they will be up against,. It is WORSE than what I had to deal with. He reports that 22% of men (such as myself) have said “to Heck with marriage” because marriage is a LOSING PROPOSITION for men, especially when hypergamous women drag men into marriage and then BAIL OUT of the marriage, taking 1/2 of the man’s $$$ and then finding the next “better, Mr. Wrong” to drag into marriage (Catholics USED to have a very strong taboo against divorce, but Vatican II and “Women’s liberation” took down that relic, allowing women to roam freely from marriage to marriage while collecting $$$ at “go”),

    This leaves 100% of the women fighting over 78% of the men.(or 68% of the men, if 10% of men are gay…)

    Have at it ladies….

    • Eric-929127 December 10, 2013 Reply

      In Indiana about ten years ago there was a power shift that most of the liberal world said favored men in everything from divorce and custody battles to right to know in the case of an unborn child. My thoughts on the subject. Great for them but the women left. Greener pastures exist like Michigan which I have heard is the second best state in the country for unwed mothers. Ironically most states that favor women (Illinois and California perhaps being the biggest) can’t balance the budget.

      But they have plenty of women. Too many perhaps. Leading to unholier lifestyles than those you have mentioned. The thing is this cancer spreads. And when it comes to a place like North West Indiana where there are fewer single women the carnage is obvious.

      I don’t know the answer. We are living in a time when the people who are married shouldn’t be and the people who aren’t married should be. Even with all this technology we can’t find each other and when we do something stands between us to divide and conquer. Call it politics if you want to. In my eyes I am 100% sure it is the devil.

      My point is that “yes” divorce is a horrible thing for all of us. But because the guys AREN’T getting hit hard enough. Too many men are getting second, third and fourth chances. While some of us never had a chance to begin with. Though we stand on opposite sides of the spectrum with regards to being chaste. We are still both victims. I can say that as someone who has never had children.

    • Tom-995241 December 13, 2013 Reply

      Bernard, you seem like a nice guy and you make some very good points, I was told this is the toughest site to find someone, but I believe a man like yourself can do it, consider it a challenge. There have got to be some 7/7 women on this site for you, keep trying my friend.

  7. Susan-780587 December 6, 2013 Reply

    Lol. . .thanks for being honest. Seems a lot of guys see the effects of time on women their age but still see themselves as sort of . . . less old, and have a self-image of themselves like when they were younger. Plus society is much harder on women when it comes to this.

    It’s like they see the grey hair, wrinkles, flabbiness in the women but not in themselves, (balding, pot-belly, man-boobs, etc . . lol) Or they think the women should overlook it.
    Kinda of shallow.

    However, obviously not all men are so unrealistic.

    • Eric-929127 December 6, 2013 Reply

      I honestly see a woman the way she used to be. Well I need bifocals actually. Either way it works in your favor.

  8. Susan-780587 December 6, 2013 Reply

    “So now it’s a SIN for a man to want a younger woman?”
    No, it is not a sin. I don’t believe anyone is inferring that. People like what they like. It is just that men in general always seem to prefer and look for younger. No big shock there.
    “So now it’s a SIN for a man to want a younger woman after the women who are his contemporaries have aged and lost the girlish figures”
    One thing I find interesting is that a lot of men don’t seem to grasp that they have aged and lost their manly figures also.
    Older men may feel younger, but dating younger women won’t make them younger. No matter how hard older men try to make the wrinkles disappear, the darn things keep showing up in the mirror. Aging does not discriminate. It depends on how well you have taken care of yourself, male or female.
    If you are an older man wanting to score a much younger woman you better have $$. Kind of like a business arrangement. Happens all the time. Oh, and that goes for a richer older woman getting a younger man.
    And even then nothing is certain.
    He’s got money, assets, power, and security; she’s got youth and beauty. If the money runs out, or someone richer comes along, she’ll break the lease, leaving him (or her).
    OK, maybe she’s not using him. Perhaps she loves him because he’s more patient, laid back, mature, gentle, and understanding than men her age. Still, she’s likely considered his bucks at some point. I mean, you don’t see many younger women with destitute older men, do you? I haven’t.
    Younger women may not stand by their older guys through the inevitable hard times that accompany growing old. And while pursuing younger women, guys miss out on meeting someone older who would have been there for them.
    I personally have seen the older man / younger woman thing where she has a “younger man on the side” deal.
    So if you are an older guy want to get with a younger woman, make sure to hit the gym, and increase your assets.
    That’s reality. That’s the world we live in.
    (all religious aspect aside)

    • Eric-929127 December 6, 2013 Reply

      I find your comment about men losing their figures hilarious. I’ve always been tall, thin and ripped. Now I’m just pot bellied and skinny.

      The other day I was in my long johns (it’s cold out) in front of the mirror and thought…

      “I sure couldn’t become a long underwear model at this point.”

      Not that there is such a thing, but the thought of me becoming a regular underwear model is just frightening LOL.

    • Joan-529855 December 6, 2013 Reply

      At a Catholic divorce retreat I sat at a discussion table with a 70 year old “wealthy” pathologist whose young wife left him at the hospital after his kidney transplant. You see, he left his 50 year old wife and mother to their 7 children to be with a 30 year old woman when he was 55 years old. They traveled the world for 15 years, in which time he never once visited his children, before his health failed him. When he needed a kidney he turned to his estranged brother, who met him at the hospital for the transplant. When his wife refused to pick him up after surgery he called his son whom he had not spoken to in 15 years and asked him to give him a home while he recuperated. He met his 15 grandchildren for the first time during the time he recuperated at his son’s house. His first wife passed away years earlier, leaving behind teenagers to be raised by older siblings. So you see, the young wife does NOT stick around for the long haul. They are only after your money!

      My former spouse makes a 6 figure income, HOWEVER he was a poor college student when we met (and fell in love) at the Newman Center in our early 20’s. I worked and put him through school towards his PhD. We moved across the west many times, even living with parents after yet another period of unemployment. We were always saving for the next layoff and paying off student loan debt. We raised 4 kids through the turbulent teen years and lost two to miscarriage. We cried and held each other close when a child went missing. I worked many long hours at my job to support our family when he was unemployed and I continued to work, always setting aside funds for his next layoff. Now he lives and supports a woman more than 15 years younger than himself, as she is a “stay at home GF” (no kids), because “they can afford it” (as he puts it). He bought her a $5000 bed, because “they can afford it” (as he puts it), now that he has a high paying job and doesn’t need to worry about saving for a family’s future.
      I believe in a just God and know that his day will come, just like the pathologist at the divorce retreat.

      Lesson to be learned: Proverbs 5:18-23 “18 Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. 20 Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman? 21 For the LORD sees clearly what a man does, examining every path he takes. 22 An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. 23 He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his incredible folly.

  9. Bernard-688509 December 5, 2013 Reply

    So now it’s a SIN for a man to want a younger woman? So now it’s a SIN for a man who never had a wife or never had sex as an unmarried teen-ager (unlike most of his friends, male and female) because he went against this liberal, sex-basted, culture, and fought his natural urges EVERY DAY FOR DECADES (no prostitutes, no one-night stands, NOTHING), because he made a MATURE DECISION at a youthful age (18) to wait until he found a decent woman to marry, and SHE NEVER ARRIVED?!?!?

    So now it’s a SIN for a man to want a younger woman after the women who are his contemporaries have aged and lost the girlish figures, but went lonely day after lonely night when they all were in their 20s/30s, hoping to DATE one of those women more than TWICE, but those “beautiful”, “attractive”, “intelligent” women (aren’t they ALL???) made up excuses and numerous lies, and treated him like cr*p because the woman felt that if they went out more than twice, “he” might make her look like she was not available to the “alpha” men that were “popular” that MANY of the woman wanted to snare in order to make the OTHER WOMEN JEALOUS OF HER because she “WON” the neighborhood’s or social groups’ “Mr. Right” that all of the women wanted when (as one of the women here said above) the women were 18-25 and HAD THE POWER. And this is what this is all about. POWER.

    For all of you women who inject Jesus and “the Grace of God” into dating, I give you MY FAVORITE verse from the Bible (Ecclesiastes 7:26 – 7/26 is my BIRTHDAY – what a coincidence!):

    26 And I find woman more bitter than Death, she is a snare, her heart is a net, and her arms are chains. The man who is pleasing to God eludes her, but the sinner is captured by her.

    As I go into my 50th year, I do not WANT children, especially in these terrible economic times, and I don’t want to be raising teen-agers when I am in my 60s; so I would now like to throw away those moral choices I made 30 years ago and shack up with a woman 40 or older (who cannot get pregnant, of course) who does not agree with the Catholic Churches teaching on “Pre-marital sex”, which, for good or for bad, there are quite a few women on here who don’t mind “pre-marital sex” (at least that is what they SAY to bait the man…).

    Just joking about throwing away my morals. I went through my youth without screwing up my life, so I think I can make it the rest of the way.

  10. Kenneth-772473 December 5, 2013 Reply

    I don’t normally give a response but, I felt that I had to do so.

    Guys and, Gals reading this DON’T give up hope. Age doesn’t matter after 40. If you’re like me the Only thing that does matter is finding the One that you have been looking for. Someone to spend the rest of your life with. As long as you are compatible and love each other who cares. Isn’t that what the church wants?

  11. Maria-886373 December 5, 2013 Reply

    Thank you, Lisa, for raising this important question. Obviously, it has generated a lot of discussion. And, while no one has the answer (why would any of us be alone if there was one?) I think it is good to start thinking and talking about difficult situations like this. As a single woman on the cusp of 40 who still very much desires children and a family, this hits very close to home.

    I would agree that many men over 40 have not been interested in me because of my age, but who’s to know for sure? Many men won’t respond to a simple message saying hello (I’m sure there are women that do this, too), so we are left guessing what it is about us that was the “deal-breaker.” I make it a point to respond to each communication that is sent to me; it is only the decent, mature thing to do since someone put themselves out there to contact me.

    Guys (and ladies), I think the best thing you can do in this case is to be honest with yourself and others; if someone’s age is an issue for you, own up to it. Maybe once we’re honest about our preferences, we can enter into some fruitful conversations about them.

    I think the first commenter said it best. Why DOES finding a mate involve such sadness. So many questions, and so few answers… 🙁

    • Bob-59786 December 5, 2013 Reply

      Keep trying Lady in Meijer Country. All it takes is one.

    • Eric-929127 December 5, 2013 Reply

      The more I think about it perhaps we should look closer at the age factor when dating. Sure we all come from the same God in heaven. But it is undeniable that in America we are heavily influenced by an ever changing pop culture. At very least when two people are the same age we have something in common to talk about. Our tastes in music, entertainment, the news of the day (history) and such would inevitably be the same.

      Maybe this is not true for the younger generations. Popular culture has been the same stagnant pool of cess for at least a decade. The only change I see is that the polution level has increased. A downward spiral. With the only possible good out come being a cleaner bowl after the flush, but it appears the float in the toilet may have gotten stuck in that bad position where all that nastiness just seems to go round and round forever.

      Think though about us for example. FM radio in the back seat of our parents car. The early 80’s MTV explosion. The long haired rockers ending the British invasion. Until they got a little too rough so we went to “alternative”. Culminating in the last good album for a decade or more “A Rush Of Blood To The Head” by Cold Play. OK so maybe we don’t see that last one exactly the same. I also secretly listened to country music in the 80’s. Loved Janie Fricke. Don’t tell anybody.

      But my point is that today even country music is down right nasty. No that’s not my point either LOL. Just that when two people have that much in common it can’t be a bad thing. Physical attraction, child bearing capabilities, sympathy or empathy, money and respect even…whatever attracts us to a person…perhaps they should all take a backseat. I know it may lack adventure but dating someone exactly the same age as yourself can never be a bad thing.

      It is safer. No surprises. Better odds of success. And most important. Sets a good example to others.

      That’s what being Catholic is. Isn’ it? Teaching other people just like Jesus did.

      With all the divorces. The separation of the classes. Followed by the inevitable liberal wishes. Open marriages. Illegitimate (I wish there was a more pleasent way to put it) children.

      The whole “dating” field is a great big mess right now and there’s nothing wrong with getting back in line to help straighten it out.

      If not for us then for our children.

      So my perfect match would be someone 43, possibly never married, with no kids or grown ones maybe. I’d like to have a child of my own but it’s not important. In that regard I’m willing to leave that blessing up to God as to whether or not I am deserving.

      That’s why I’m here. Where else might you find someone that meets those criteria? You sure won’t find it in the real world.

  12. Joan-529855 December 5, 2013 Reply

    As was pointed out earlier, by a man, the male gender in every animal species is physically attracted to “youth”. The old rooster could care less about the cluck hen sitting on the eggs, but boy does he strut his stuff in front of the young hens. But wait, the human species is not like any other. The human species was designed to be “like God”, however because of Adam & Eve’s failing man carries the burden of sin. This burden of sin includes lust (desire for youthful, physical beauty above all else), which is the human male genders most difficult sin to overcome; it is the sin of “objectification”. We as humans are called to a higher existence than other species. We were designed to be able to resist physical temptations, but only BY THE GRACE OF GOD. Pray for God’s grace to overcome your desires for youthful physical beauty and you will be blessed.

  13. Joe-786218 December 4, 2013 Reply

    First thing I’ll say about dating and marriage is that nothing in that realm is required to be fair. The sooner one accepts that, the better. Women like taller guys, guys like younger women, and a few more desirable characteristics that could be considered “unfair” by one sex or the other. One’s Catholicism can ameliorate the spiritual impact of the unfair, but not the temporal. One has to work with what one has: Both men and women can be better Catholics. Men can be more fit, dress better and show more confidence and leadership. Women can embrace their femininity in modest ways and lose the snark and sarcasm. The masculine attracts the feminine and the feminine attracts the masculine. As God intended.

    Second, fertility after 40 is a big deal. Not to say that pregnancies can’t happen at that age, but there’s no denying that a woman’s fertility is definitely on the decline by then. This isn’t helpful for women over 40 and still wanting children to know, but it is helpful for younger women to realize that their fertility window is not that long so they should start younger when deciding to search for marriage. Women who wait too long will find themselves competing with younger women for the same pool of men. Unfair, I know, but that’s the way it is.

    • Eric-929127 December 4, 2013 Reply

      Are you speaking from your point of view or from the teachings of the Catholic Church? I think things need to be kept more fair. That being Catholic means thinking about how our actions affect others. Without going “there” statistics are showing some disturbing trends in this respect. And I as a man am not willing to date what is “left”.

      Though the play on words was not intended it very much fits.

      Perhaps my position is not very Catholic either. It’s just that sometimes when you try to do a good thing. You end up the victim of a robbery.

      I shouldn’t have been put in this position by other peoples freedom. We are ALL guaranteed the pursuit of happiness in America. Even by the time we got to the New Testament the idea of polygamy was very much past tense.

      Divorce is no different. It (usually) only benefits the man. How many women will bare his children? So what if he is rich. He (in most cases) shouldn’t get a second chance.

      But this is as far as I will go with this. Now it’s just time to pray. For one last woman who doesn’t have freedom on the brain.

      Pretty sure I have taken us slightly off subject LOL.

  14. Robert-3483 December 4, 2013 Reply

    It is generally considered rude to ask a woman her age. So I ask CM, why is a woman’s age made available to complete strangers? Should CM display a woman’s age?

    I think I mentioned this years ago, but I’ll mention it here where it might draw some attention. 🙂

    • Marie O. December 4, 2013 Reply

      I don’t think an exact age should be displayed. People can often resemble those a decade or more younger or older depending on many factors. People should not discriminate on age but decide on whether they are compatible or not. Also age does not necessarily indicate maturity of a person.

  15. Lisa-727959 December 4, 2013 Reply

    I’m so glad to see all the discussion of this issue and thanks for everyone’s input!

    Here’s a brief clarification or two for a few commenters who may be confused by my point:

    – I believe if you are an aging woman who feels called to marriage but is worried about the ability to have children, place your trust in God as you search for your future spouse. That’s the bottom line. If you are called to marriage, you need to follow that plan. Let God’s plan for children come naturally because, as you can see from what happened to me, He can make anything happen if it’s His holy will. It may not turn out just like mine, but however it turns out, He will bless you for being faithful.

    – I was careful to state I am not advocating for women to wait to have children and I do not condone fertility treatments that violate the Church’s teaching on procreation. My mention of it was to glorify God’s work in my life by showing the doctors’ way was not God’s way. I firmly believe that when God does great things for us, we need to share them with others to give them hope.

    I sincerely apologize for any confusion. Thanks, again, everyone for the refreshing conversations and points of view!

    – Lisa Duffy

  16. Susan-780587 December 4, 2013 Reply

    And aging affects a man fertility too.

    Many men are not aware that their age can affect their ability to become a father. Most men know that women’s fertility declines after the age of 35, but less known is the increasing evidence that the the older a man becomes, the more their fertility diminishes.
    Research shows studies found that men over the age 40 are less fertile than younger men.
    The results showed:

    A women younger than 30 years old was 25% less likely to conceive a baby if her male partner was 40 years or older.

    That a woman of 35 to 37 years was 50% less likely to conceive if the male partner was over 40 years old.
    There is now a lot more evidence that the age of the man at conception affects women’s ability to become pregnant. Paternal age is now considered significant. Men have to listen to their biological clock too.

    Get real guys.

  17. Susan-780587 December 4, 2013 Reply

    As a guy gets older, his market value increases.

    As a girl ages, her market value decreases, and often fairly rapidly.

    A woman’s market value is at her highest between the ages of 16 and 25 (possibly up to 30 if she really takes care of herself and is lucky). During this age range, women are at their most attractive to men. They can rely on their looks and ‘sexiness’ to attract guys (and, often, manipulate men for their own gain).

    As a women reaches 30 and beyond, her market value rapidly decreases and she becomes less attractive to men. Once she reaches the menopause, most men look at her as someone to date if they don’t have the “stuff” to turn a younger woman’s eye.

    Contrast this with how men age and what ageing means to a man’s market value….

    As a man gets towards 30, his market value rapidly increases. He starts to look more manly in his appearance, and he starts to act more manly in his personality because he is maturing. Often, he has more career and financial success too. All these traits increase his market value and therefore his attractiveness towards women.

    A guy in his 30s, 40s and 50s and sometimes even older can still be massively attractive to women and date women who are much, much younger than himself. But a woman in her 30s, 40s, 50s and over is going to find attracting a man much harder work.

    See, women have the power when they’re younger, but after 30 the power balance shifts rapidly and a women loses her seductive power, whereas a man GAINS his power.

    There is a saying, ‘Men age like fine wine, women age like milk’.

    And as someone already pointed out, ALOT of older men leave their long-term wife for a younger woman and the “stuff” he has to catch a younger trophy woman was usually gotten with the help of the “old” wife.

    Ever see Donald Trump with a woman his own age??

  18. Anita-471998 December 4, 2013 Reply

    Thanks Tracey above for the details i was looking for, I m sure Lisa meant well but the church has teachings about assisted reproduction like IVF that the faithful are expected to adhere too so I guess Lisa it would be prudent to clarify the medical advances you endorse, just so nobody is mislead.
    Thanks and God bless!

  19. John-863260 December 4, 2013 Reply

    I have just turned a youthful 60 (if i can say so myself) and a widower with 3 grandchilden.
    I consider myself a bit selfish in that I do not want to lose another partner.
    Statistics show that If I was to find a lady younger than myself, I would invariably be the first to go.
    A different outlook from most men perhaps but sensible.
    Although I appreciate that we guys find it easier to find a potential partner, it is still better to have realistic criteria in the search.
    However I set a criteria that i thought could not be matched:
    A lady living not too far away, attending regular mass, one to three years older than me, widowed for about the same time, no children to dictate what she does and if possible some chemistry.
    A lot to ask for in my mind but I found her on Catholic Match.
    We are so compatible we have come to the conclusion that God destined us to be together.
    All I can say is to those still searching, don’t despair. With prayer and God and Our Lady on your side, who knows what will come along.

  20. Tracey-143591 December 4, 2013 Reply

    As a physician who deals with infertility patients regularly, I need to caution women and men on the issue of fertility at 40 or over. Although natural conception can happen, it is rare and more often in women with previous pregnancies or those undergoing reproductive treatments (Restorative Reproductive Medicine is an acceptable option for Catholics adhering to Church teachings). Celebrities such as Holly Hunter and others over 45 who conceive use artificial reproductive technologies like IVF and donor eggs, which are not an acceptable options for faithful Catholics.Organizations like the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and other professional groups in various countries are working hard to promote a healthy understanding of fertility, which includes knowing fertility peaks in the early to mid-20s and dramatically declines after 32. It does not mean that miracles don’t happen and each person has an individual path, but the way we are created must be understood and realistically discussed too.

  21. Ramona-652361 December 4, 2013 Reply

    Another thing, we are not all cougars. Remember the song, Hey 19? I prefer men my age and older but many want younger women. Some who are 45 say they want 18 to 35. 18?????? I’m thinking pervert! That’s your daughter.

    • Eric-929127 December 4, 2013 Reply

      What a great song that was. Haven’t heard it in awhile. Might have to open another window and have a listen.

      A couple of years ago I had such a relationship. I found her on a website I probably shouldn’t have been on. And after reading her profile and looking at her pictures the father figure in me KNEW she shouldn’t have been there either.

      Now it wasn’t a perfectly pure relationship. But less was expected with our age difference. I spent a little less time talking and a lot more time listening. And we talked alot. About the child she lost, her mother that brought strange men home from the bar and at 3 in the morning would kick her out, her battle with the buldge and low self esteem that drove her to do things that included adultery.

      We broke up shortly before my Father passed away so I would have more time for my family. But she gave me the strength to make it through his year long battle with cancer. I was so pleased to hear that she had found Jesus, a husband and had a new baby on the way six months later. Cause I knew at 41 I could not give that to her. At least in good conscience.

      Though she didn’t give me credit for “saving” her. As she said “only Jesus can do that”. She thanked me over and over again for showing her the path.

      So is that what women do when they go on their Carribbean Cougar Cruise?

      I guess I have to differ with the “pervert” comment. I mean, I still would never do it again. But only because right now I am more interested in saving myself than someone else.

  22. Ramona-652361 December 4, 2013 Reply

    Someone actually did send me an email saying how he thought I was perfect but because I was 46 and he wanted a family he knew that having children was something I wouldn’t be interested in pursuing. Never-mind the fact that my profile did state “wants kids”. I responded that yes I did want children and received another email stating that “You’re too old and I feel my chances would be better with a younger woman.”

    Why even bother to send the first email?
    btw My mom gave birth to me when she was 40 and was overjoyed to be able to raise another child. I had a very happy childhood. She has given me so much over the years. I am blessed with a wonderful mother who is now 87 and still bringing happiness everyday 🙂

  23. Liz-1001257 December 4, 2013 Reply

    Wow, there are a lot of negative opinions out there about this subject. First of all, Lisa assumes that everyone who is Catholic wants children. What if I don’t want kids? I get judged by this all the time by Catholics and non-Catholics. I’m going on 44, feel like I’m 30 and look younger for my age. My life is blessed…I just want a spouse, someone to share it with who fits me, i.e. education wise, value-wise, chemistry-wise, etc. If he wants children and I don’t, well then we are not compatible. Next!

    As for the age thing: It’s true, humans can’t help what they like or don’t like, they just know what they want when they see it. Nothing wrong with that. The only caveat I would add is, yes, be open-minded and open-hearted with the Lord, and trust in Him. Easier said than done, but I am not resigning myself at this young age to stay home and knit on Saturday nights!

    • Anita-471998 December 4, 2013 Reply

      you got spunk Liz ! i loved your comment! although i’m trying hard not to judge you.. ..:P:) God bless! sad there wasn’t a thumbs up sign i could click on!

    • Michael-926045 July 5, 2016 Reply

      Woman in their early to mid 40’s hang on to their vision of their youthful self and they have a very hard time transitioning and accepting reality- which is -their chances of having a natural birth diminish aggressively from here on out and their appeal to younger men who hope to be married has fallen to zero. They are tweeners who reject older men and are delusional, there are exceptions but generally their self image is not based in reality.

  24. Peter-856956 December 4, 2013 Reply

    For me, being the widowed father of six children, to date a woman in her 40’s is the ideal. At 47, I am looking forward to grandchildren rather than children, but do seek a woman who is single/widowed and ideally has no children of her own. I also feel that a woman in her 40’s has wisdom and more in common with me, being of the same generation.

  25. Patty-1009314 December 4, 2013 Reply

    I have avoided joining this site for the specific reason that most men seem to be looking for women much younger than them. I was on another site for six months and found that the only men interested in meeting me were the ones 10 to 15 years older. I’ve been told that I look 15 years younger, since I take good health and exercise very seriously. I am only looking for someone around my age +\- 5 years. I don’t want to outlive my spouse! Men die, on average, much younger. But I truly believe men are looking for younger women to make them feel young and because they are shallow and are looking for a guarantee of someone who is more appealing physically than emotionally. That being said, I’ve decided I’m better off alone.

    • Tom-995241 December 27, 2013 Reply

      Patty, maybe I am not following you, but if your better off alone, then why are you on this site?

  26. Eric-929127 December 4, 2013 Reply

    I also take my coffee black, but in my experience women seem to be avoiding men over 40. Got a hot car, a vacation spot in Michigan and an incredible work schedule with five days a week off. Let me make a quick count. I’ve had three dates this year and one of them robbed me. Literally. Like got me cornered in a drive way and said “give me all your money”. So the bitterness in my mouth is not the coffee LOL.

    I see the “cougar” thing is in full “swing”. Women exploring every option. Middle aged men are just about out of them short of taking a vacation to Nevada. With all the liberal politics. Men and women have reached a point of irreconcilable differences.

    That’s why I’m trying to find a path back to being Catholic.

    Personally I think about other people. When it comes to dating older women. I am torn between the utilitarian reasoning of life expectancies and the fact that I may leave an older man lonely. The deal breaker for me is that I have more in common with older women. Not to mention most of them had an older man trade them in for a younger model.

    So women in their 40’s get my vote. Now I’m just waiting for them to show some support. And of course to quit acting so darned liberal.

  27. Bernard-688509 December 3, 2013 Reply

    The question I pose is:

    Why are 40 year-old-PLUS women avoiding 40 and older MEN???

    Check some of the 40 and older women, and they want men from 35-40 and THEY are 40 and older themselves! I find that DELUSIONAL.

    As a former man who was under 40 just 9 years ago, there are not many, if any, under 40 year-old men who want an over 40 woman to be the mother of his children. Sorry. That is REALITY.

    Most of the 40-plus women have been married at least once. What man wants that?

    We want someone who is OUR ONE AND ONLY, just like the women who are now complaining about competing with 25 year-old women wanted 20 years ago.

    You HAD your Wedding Day. Some of us never have, so quit-yer-you know…

    The ONE AND ONLY that they married, but soon found out they married Mr. Wrong, or THEY are Ms. Wrong and the husband vamoosed!

    The 1960s counter-culture smashed the CENTURIES OLD male/female traditional roles, and you women wanted “liberation”, so as the Bible says, “you reap what you sew”…

    REALITY bites….

  28. Mike-174335 December 3, 2013 Reply

    “Shouldn’t one be looking for a spouse based on their values and character?”

    That’s a nonsensical question in the first place. One should be looking for a spouse based on the call to marriage and building a family – which means values and character are definitely important but they are hardly the ONLY criteria.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if many of these women who are 40+ and lamenting their lack of suitors passed on many good men when they were younger because those men didn’t live up to their “standards.” now they are whining. sorry but “turnabout is fair play” as they say.

  29. Carolina M. December 3, 2013 Reply

    PS I’m 35.

  30. Carolina M. December 3, 2013 Reply

    I can’t have more children but I’m blessed with two already. If I marry again, it is because the man wants me-not possible offspring. So he will either have children from a prior relationship or want to adopt. God will sort out the details. Even if it seems impossible…blessings to you all.

  31. Dina-123310 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Lisa, you missed the point.
    You answered an entirely different question related to yourself when you were much younger, and not over forty. So the question still needs to be adequately addressed.

    Can anyone on your staff tackle this important question?

  32. Dina-123310 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Lisa, You missed the point. You answered an entirely different question related to yourself, when you were not over forty years old.

    So, can anyone on your staff tackle this real question?

  33. Christopher-824421 December 3, 2013 Reply

    I’m over 50 and haven’t had any success with even finding women who would chat online on this site. It is very frustrating especially when I’m too shy or don’t that it is right to try and pickup women at church. I want to marry a Catholic woman, but it is just so hard to find one around my age group who is divorced or single looking for someone. I don’t want more children, but I am still capable of having them.

  34. Maria-382240 December 3, 2013 Reply

    I’m over 40 and haven’t had problems finding dates or men to message me here. I am tall and find sometimes men have a problem with that rather than my age. You know what I do, I just put high heels on. 🙂 If somebody wants kids with a younger woman, they should go for it. If somebody else wants a tall rich guy, they should go for it too. May God bless us all in our journey.

  35. Charley-998972 December 3, 2013 Reply

    At the risk of posting something redundant, here’s the bottom line. We live in a non-ideal world, and we just have to accept that. Ideally, there would be no divorce, and we’d all be happy and rich with 2.5 kids and a dog that lives as long as we do. In reality, people are going to want what they want for their own reasons. And as superficial as we may think they are, we can’t change them. Nor should we. It’s not our job to impose our will on others. That would be the opposite of humility which, ideally, we all strive to achieve. Let the Holy Spirit work on them instead.

    I’ve experienced exactly what some of the male posters have. If I let that get to me (which I do sometimes), it just results in frustration. (It’s actually why I joined CM, to find someone less superficial.) Does the haystack with our hidden needle get bigger as we get older? Yes, but there are still people available who can make us happy, with God’s grace of course. Perhaps that’s where we should put our faith in God, in finding the right person (which is what Lisa Duffy suggests in her closing remarks) rather than in finding a Holly Hunter or a center for the NY Knicks.

    In fairness, I should note that wanting children does not equate to wanting a tall person, and is not a “small criteria” in my opinion. But I won’t argue that point. I’ll just pray (right now) that we all find someone here on CM, and ask that you all pray for me and everyone else too. Thank you 🙂

  36. Tom-995241 December 3, 2013 Reply

    In my opinion the short answer is no, men are not avoiding women over 40.

  37. Maria-778401 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Great read.

  38. Jason-472304 December 3, 2013 Reply

    My general criterion is a 10-year span from a year or two older to 8-9 years younger, give or take, for no greater reason than relative maturity. We older boys are already starting out a bit in a maturity hole already, mostly by not having not been particularly well domesticated in our youths. Having a few more years of boots-on-the-ground probably equalizes some things.

    Also, since I’m beginning to see the signs of calcification in my own capacity to accommodate other people’s foolishness, I think it reasonably appropriate to look for a younger partner who might accommodate my particular foolishness a bit more flexibly.

    But, let us not forget: there’s a sense as a man that starting a family this late, with a spouse no younger than he, it would be a bit unfair to children. The fashion of late child-baring in society today works against stronger familial bonds and family stability. I mean, how many of our shared resources have we squandered in living alone to now? I know, for my part, a lot. While it’s not the most important thing, it’s not nothing.

    Finally, there’s a very strong possibility that the vocation to which I might have been suited is, at this point, lost or at least directed towards a more fruitful celibacy in the desert, lonely as that may be. As a cross, it’s unfortunate but acceptable to me. No longer burning with youth’s passion, my soul is now much more in danger of the spiritual sins, less than the physical. Paul’s advice on the subject is looking more reasonable to me as I age.


  39. Kathy M. December 3, 2013 Reply

    I am happy to say that I met my fiance here on CM (just engaged this past weekend – so much to be Thankful for). At the time we met he was 47 and I was 46. We both acknowledged within weeks of beginning to date that having children was much less likely for us. It was a great relief to me that we both recognized reality. That is not to say that we aren’t open to having children if that’s what God has in store for us, either through the miracle of conception (which is a miracle at any age, quite frankly), or the blessing of adoption. However, being on the same page regarding this very important issue allowed us to date and get to know one another in true freedom and in a way that was not unduly influenced by the need to beat the “biological clock.” That being said, prior to meeting my fiance I had been in another relationship with a man who was a couple of years younger than me and had what I considered to be an unrealistic view of what might be possible at our ages (both over 40 at the time). On our first weekend of dating he actually asked me how many children I wanted to have. I responded by saying “how many children do you think I CAN have.” Again, while I was totally open to children, the way the question was posed seemed a bit naive. So, the bottom line here is that there is definitely hope for women over 40. Not all men are seeking significantly younger spouse either for the purpose of feeling younger or having children. Don’t give up. Patience is a virtue that God will reward. While it is sometimes difficult to abandon yourself to His providence, He will bless you beyond measure according to His will and that’s what we all should desire anyway. God bless all of you as you wait.

  40. Antonio-515590 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Wow. LeRoy’s opening comments were remarkably principled and enlightened. Some women are shallow, as are some men. My (former sister-in-law) divorced my brother-in-law because he wasn’t that good enough in bed (she was much more specific than that unfortunately) and because she wanted a bigger house. She remains a stay at home mom and now sports all of the trappings of a younger and more affluent man. A few years later my wife (her sister) divorced me. These are not Catholics, I might add, so I should have known that the rules were not universal. Even with Catholic women there are shallow people. I am currently glad to be single. I am a guilty Catholic and living alone is fine by me right now. I feel that the game is rigged. I date with zero hope that I will meet someone. I no longer feel that this is pathetic. I am a heterosexual man who likes to spend the occasional date with a woman.

    • Jcee-966798 December 4, 2013 Reply

      I date with zero hope that I will meet someone. I no longer feel that this is pathetic. I am a heterosexual man who likes to spend the occasional date with a woman.

      Then WHY be on a Catholic dating site??

      You belong on another site.

    • MaryJane H. December 7, 2013 Reply

      I disagree with the individual that said you should be on a different site. Truthfully, it is none of their business why you are on this site! As far as meeting people is concerned I find that on all the sites I have visited, I keep getting match potentials of men that look like they are old enough to be my grandfather, even though they are in my age group. I don’t get what the deal is with these men that think they look attractive with long white hair and white ugly beards. I have no problem with the white hair, just the length. It is important at ANY age to be well groomed.
      As a result I have pretty much given up too. I occasionally look at the different sites, mainly out of curiosity, with what I guess you might call a glint of hope that there will be someone out there………but it is not the end of the world if i don’t find someone. My life is full and I like my own company. It would be nice to find someone to share it with but if not I am okay with that too. Good luck to you and don’t let anyone dictate what you do and don’t do.

  41. Mary P. December 3, 2013 Reply

    I think it depends on the situation. There are men who raised children and are OK without having more and some open to a woman in her 40s with her own young children.

  42. Robert-514120 December 3, 2013 Reply

    I am 53, and I AVOID women UNDER 40, for the very reason of childbearing. Having a child may have been a priority of mine some 20 years ago, but not now. I’ll gladly settle for someone else’s (grown) kids, or someone with no kids at all, regardless of marital status.

  43. Margaret-20183 December 3, 2013 Reply

    We all have preferences as to the type of person we are seeking. What we all need to do is carefully review those preferences to make sure our desires are not inadvertently (or even overtly!) objectifying someone. Does your wish to have a taller man treat him as something little more than an accessory? Do you want a spouse with a high net worth for what they can give to you, rather than what you can give to them? Is a desire for a younger spouse for their perceived childbearing capabilities treat them as a means of production? Even if those preferences are quite ingrained, will you be able to toss them aside should you meet that certain spectacular someone who doesn’t neatly fit in your mold?

  44. Siani-926756 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Thank you for sharing the story. It’s great and encouraging. It’s about Hope and Trust in Him.

  45. Benito-518862 December 3, 2013 Reply

    I myself prefer q woman my age so when talk on subject it is no a foriegn lanuage I have raised six kids and enjoy my grand kids now, Benito

  46. Kathy-730470 December 3, 2013 Reply

    Lisa thank you for sharing your personal story. It is very encouraging story. I like to read stories such as yours 🙂

  47. Larry-670461 December 2, 2013 Reply


    Thank you for sharing you presonal story. I must admit I was moved to the point of tearing up. I think its important that we recognize that God does have a plan for each and every one of us.

    As far as men seeking women younger, I can only speak from my perspective. I was previously married to a woman that was nearly 9 years younger than myself. I married at a later age, nearly 33 years old, and must admit that the age difference was a strain at times, afterall I was out of college while she was a freshman in HS. Fertility or her “age” was not even in the equation then. Some people like chocolate, some like vanilla. Looks are important and we know what we are attracted to. There are exceptions, but it totally unrealistic to expect someone to look as good as when they did when they were younger – doggone gravity!!! 😉 lol. The counter to that is that as we have aged, I think we as a general rule have become more beautiful on the inside, and that is what is important. As far as now, I hope to eventually meet and marry someone with 3-4 years of my age, either way. It has to do with being able to relate to that person with regard to similar life experiences and outlook – being at a similar place in life.

    Again Lisa, thank you for sharing. God’s Will be done. – Larry

  48. Cathy-564420 December 1, 2013 Reply

    Great story of your wonderful life and thanks for sharing. Amazing how your husband and you put it all in God’s hands and as a result have a wonderful family. Let’s face it, after all, it is truly up to him.

    Looks fade and we are all getting older every day! Short, too skinny, fat, too tall! I don’t think when people get over the age of 40, they should dream about the bodies in their 20s. Gravity is inevitable – LOL. My humor coming out again.

    God Bless Lisa, you truly gave us Hope! Now you need to write a lovely Family, Disney Channel Movie;)

  49. Mark-1026073 December 1, 2013 Reply

    Great article. The most important thing is to follow God’s plan for our lives and to be resigned to His divine will.

  50. Rosanna-586248 December 1, 2013 Reply


    I have to respectively disagree. I know that height and status is not an issue for me and an educated guess would be not for most women. I may prefer someone who is a bit taller than me but it is not a deal breaker also he doesn’t have to be a lawyer or doctor. Yes, attractiveness is important but what is paramount are values and faithfulness to God.

    As far as younger women and children, not all are as fortunate as Sol’s teacher. One thing about adoption is that you are welcoming the child into your home to love and care for so yes, that is your child.

    God knows what is best for the person so one should try to be a little bit more open.

    • Mike-639276 December 2, 2013 Reply

      Hi Rosanna and others,
      re “…educated guess would not be for most women…” Rosanna, I’ve seen other singles sites and women’s profiles specifically request “over this” or “at least x’x”. LeRoy’s obviously seen the same and since you’re not looking for gals you obviously haven’t. It appears that many women add their hight + their heels and project how they want to look w/a significant other. No judgement from me, never seen a gal say “I want a guy my height or less…” 🙂 Regardless of how I feel re the overall match potential, I typically honor a that stated wish within +1″, I figure they wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it.
      Also Trace is right on – no matter how we try as a guy or gal we look better when we’re younger. Finally if you end up going from married to single life, there’s an adjustment as to who and where you were and who attracted you when you exited singles life. There’s a definite carryover and adjustment to when you re-enter single life – that’s the way it is. Best wishes to all,

      • David-629572 December 3, 2013 Reply

        Yep, Mike, you are right on this one. I am active on another very large dating site (from which this one takes its name), and I can confirm that it is the rule and not the exception for women to specify that they are seeking a taller (often much taller) partner. I have seen more than a few women 5’5″ or less with a stated preference for men who are 6′ or taller! Not so much different from the guys looking for women 10-15 years younger– if that’s what floats your boat, then go for it, but it does seem slightly ridiculous!

    • LeRoy-782716 December 3, 2013 Reply

      Rosanna, bless you for being open minded. However, sociological studies confirm a general preference among women for height. Now, I agree that for most women it is mostly a matter of just wanting a man who is taller than they are. That is understandable; I definitely prefer a woman who is shorter than I am. Still, tall men have definite advantages in life. That’s just how it is, we do the best we can with what we have.

      I have dated a women who was three inches taller than me, and it was never an issue for us. But that is rare. In a recent study, only 4% of women said they would consider dating a shorter man.

      My personal observation is that many short women prefer tall men. There was one lovely 5’1″ woman on CM that I was going to contact, until I read the part of her profile that said she really likes men who are 6’4″-6’7″!

      I’ve made peace with my 5’6″ height, but it has caused me grief in the past. It is important to remember that, while our physical attributes influence our worth in the dating market, they have nothing to do with our worth in the eyes of God.

  51. Sherrill-anne-13557 December 1, 2013 Reply

    Thanks for the encouragement and the example of the Christian approach to marriage.

  52. Trace-446731 December 1, 2013 Reply

    “Men seek younger women because it makes them feel younger; plain and simple.” – Joan
    Hmm, I have to respectfully beg to differ with you Joan. Perhaps that is true for some men, perhaps maybe even for the age group which you sited. As a 46 year old, meeting a younger woman has nothing to do with “feeling younger”. I exercise at the gym and eat good foods to make that happen. 😉 I think I can speak for most men when I say that dating a younger women has only to do with beauty. We want a woman who takes care of herself and looks pretty. Let’s face it, generally speaking, humans in their 60s look better than those in their 70s. Humans in their 50s look better than those in their 60s. Those in their 40s look better than those in their 50s, etc., etc. For men it is about beauty…pretty hair, smooth skin, and fit bods. I have come to realize that though I am still attracted to the 20 something woman like when I was 20 something, I realize I have no chance and quite frankly feel a bit icky going for someone who is young enough to be my daughter. As far as having children, I have resigned to the fact that that may not be Gods plan for me…and I accept it. I probably won’t marry until I’m 50 so why would I want to start being a daddy at that age anyway…move on I say… 🙂

    • Linda-807057 December 3, 2013 Reply

      Every person’s ideal of physical beauty is different. As I age, I find men my age (and older) to be very attractive, more so than younger men. In my opinion, lines add character to a person’s face and may also reveal a bit about a person’s character. As a runner, I find that men who run tend to look better with age.

      • Bob-59786 December 4, 2013 Reply

        I hope so. I’ve been running for years.

        A few years ago, on The Today Show, there was a Lady Author who discussed her book and “older” women. She said when a Single woman reaches age 45 that her upper age limit in finding a man expands significantly. She may be correct.

        • Jeanne-1031332 December 4, 2013 Reply

          Surely that depends on the individual woman. In my 20s and 30s, I was comfortable dating men 12 to 17 years my senior. In my 60s I want someone closer to my age.

  53. Joan-529855 December 1, 2013 Reply

    From my experience with men on CM, the lack of “childbearing ability” doesn’t appear to be the issue when seeking a younger spouse. Even men in their 60’s and 70’s seek out women at least 10-15 years younger than themselves, which is no longer considered “childbearing” years. My former spouse had a vasectomy (thus no longer fertile) and he only sought out women at least 15 years younger than himself. A woman’s ability to produce offspring was no concern of his. Men seek younger women because it makes them feel younger; plain and simple. Also younger women are not nearly as experienced in life therefore they tend to be less opinionated and easier to control. Control and feeling youthful; the two main reasons men seek younger women.

    • LeRoy-782716 December 1, 2013 Reply

      Joan, I agree that youth is an attraction vector for men, but I can’t quite agree with your conclusions.

      Men are attracted to youth and fertility, just as women are attracted to height and status. There are biological/psychological reasons for this; we need not hunt for nefarious motives.

      All of that aside, a great many men such as myself dearly love children and want to have them.

    • Dominic-981542 December 4, 2013 Reply

      Hi Joan . . Man don’t look for younger women because it makes them feel younger , nothing plain & simple there . . Not being a man means limitations in understanding a mans nature to understand the nature of what kind of sin he carry’s . . Often just like this article , people tend to put an excuse to there motives & reasons for !

      The excuse of man chose younger woman because they want to have a family . . false reason .
      Also why was he late himself for marriage , does he want the best of both worlds & claim to be Christian . . There are many reasons as to why but not many to wanting a daughter for a wife.

    • Lillian A. April 15, 2014 Reply

      Thank you! At my prime “59 years of near to 60”, I find it difficult to find a match at all! Men my age are looking for the younger women… and Men, whom I consider too old for me, -70+, are the only ones I get matched with or interested in me!
      Sadly, we all tend to look for that “chemistry” and “physical attraction”. I’m youthful, fit and healthy, THANK G-D!!!, so, at my age, I want a mate who has similar interests, wants and knows what a relationship takes, can keep up and enjoy doing active things.
      NOT ONE man, within my age group, is interested in this young 59 year old!
      Women 50+ are doomed to spend their best years alone!

  54. Sol-496426 December 1, 2013 Reply

    Thank you so much Lisa for sharing your personal story with us! It gave me so much hope and trust that the fact that if God has a plan for you, He will make it happen. He knows best what is best for us ultimately but I also wanted to share a story about a teacher I had. The doctors told her she would not be able to conceive so she and her husband adopted 1 child. Then when they were already about to adopt the second one she got to know that she was pregnant with twins! she said she always desired to have a large family and she is truly happy with 4 kids. .Thank you for the hope Lisa.

  55. Gary-936836 December 1, 2013 Reply

    Lisa, I love this post. I appreciate that you respond without slamming anybody as unfair. Instead, you give hope as well as a good example of how a faithful man can (and in my words, should) see this.

    We all just need to show each other a little grace.

  56. LeRoy-782716 December 1, 2013 Reply

    I am a 40+ man, and while I have dated women my age, I admit to a preference for younger women, for no other reason then that I want to have children.

    It does bother me a bit, because I’m not always sure that I’m being fair. On the other hand, women overwhelmingly prefer men who are tall. Is that fair? I’ve reached the conclusion that ‘fair’ has nothing to do with mate selection.

    It’s true that values and character should be paramount concerns. They are for me. However, I doubt if anyone selects solely on values and character. Women insist that there must be ‘chemistry’, which is just another word for attraction. Likewise, men have their own criteria. (Men must also feel attraction, but we are attracted to a much higher proportion of women than women are to men. )

    If I were not able to have children of my own, I would accept it, but it would hurt. In a previous CM blog post, a woman who had passed her child-bearing years unmarried said, “I mourn for the children I will never have. ” That is exactly how I would feel.

    Why does the search for a mate so often involve such sadness? I wish I knew the answer.

    • Jos-22128 December 3, 2013 Reply

      Well Written LeRoy,
      I agree with you. It appears to not be not fair, that is saddening. But I don’t think it should be ‘fair’ either. You are looking for a match, that automatically makes it unfair to those who are not a match. Because I’m quite tall, I also avoid short women.

      I signed up for a few days to Zoosk (advertised on Facebook), I cancelled it because it did not discriminate on height (at 6’3″ I don’t really want to be matched with a woman who is barely 5′), and had no flexibility on age; I’m in my 40’s, it keep matching me with women in their 40’s, (is it unfair that I want children?)

      On the other side of the argument, I have found women tend to look for a man within a few years older than them, and there seems to be a ‘barrier’ that stops women in their 30’s looking at a man in their 40’s. Result is that many men and women in their 40’s are stuck.

      Thank you for the story Lisa.

      Pax Christi

      • LeRoy-782716 December 3, 2013 Reply

        Jos, I think some of the bad feelings come from a mentality of scarcity. It is easy to feel like there is no one out there for us, or very few, and so when we are rejected, or imagine that we will be, it hits very hard.

        Many times this stems from traumatic experiences, disappointment over how our lives have turned out, or a subconscious feeling that we are unlovable.

        We must remember that the marriage market is a market! We have to work on ourselves, become the best men and women that we can be, come to terms with our issues, and heal. We need to be realistic and remember that the only one who is going to love us just for who we are is God (and maybe our mothers).

        We need to cultivate an abundance mindset, because the truth is that there are billions of men/women in the world, and out of those there are a great many that we can find lasting love with. When we have done this, we become happier, we become hopeful, we become more attractive to potential mates.

        When we have an abundance mindset, rejection loses its sting.

Post a comment