Am I Too Picky?


One of the most common traps in internet dating is to envision your perfect match. Over time, as we become more intent on finding that special someone, a picture forms in our minds that few people, if any, could live up to.

Part of the problem is the modern notion that we can somehow craft our perfect life if we just manage to assemble the right combination of pieces. Naturally people think they can find a “perfect” mate if they comb through enough prospects. If you add to the mix the idea that the variety of available mates is endless, then you’re really in for trouble. I can guarantee that you will never be happy. How could you be? Even if you find someone pretty darn close, you will be haunted by the idea that somewhere out there is someone who hits every point on your “perfect mate” list.

The idea that you have endless choices (and worse, endless time), is actually working against you. Time continues to pass by as we dither. Do not confuse discernment with being overly picky. Sometimes the internet can make the world seem larger than it is. I was online searching for six years. After six years you begin to meet the same people over and over. You begin to ask yourself, is it me? Guess what? It’s you.

So I encourage you to start a conversation with someone. Go on a date. And don’t start wondering if you’ve left a gem undiscovered somewhere else. Don’t give up after one date just because there were no fireworks. It won’t hurt to see someone again if you didn’t fall head-over-heels with her in the first hour.

When it comes right down to it, each one of us is only really concerned with a few traits. They are the big ones. The non-negotiables. The traits that ensure harmony and the ability to weather any storm as long as that person is by your side.

Similar taste in movies? Not important.

Similar taste in foods? Doesn’t matter.

What does matter is how you handle conflict, how you handle finances, and how you want to raise children. Whether you have similar faith and values. Physical attraction is important, but looks fade. You soon discover that who you marry is not as important as who you are in your marriage.

So, ask yourself if you are ready to commit and accept the responsibility of being a spouse and parent. As any married person will tell you, marriage is hard work. Once the initial fireworks die down, the perfection you once saw in your mate fades, and you begin to see your partner warts and all. Conflicts arise and compromise becomes paramount. The daily grind sets in. You begin to see your spouse’s faults and you become less adept at hiding your own.

Sure, it is okay to have list of traits you would like to see in a mate, but do not worry if he only hits 8 out of 10 of them. Or even 6 out of 10. My wife had a list of things she wanted in a mate, and I fell short on two things. Two very important things. She could have walked away, but she didn’t. And guess what? I changed on those things. She tells me that she married me knowing I might not change. She saw in me a man with a lot of good will, and that carried a lot of weight. She wasn’t too picky. And for me, that was a blessing.



  1. Mišomorka M. November 1, 2016 Reply

    Well… if you are a women in her 50-s anybody who will ever be interested in you ( in real life or online) would probably be at least 15 or 20 years older then you. The exceptions are only men in their 50-s who look like if they are 20 years older.
    So, not to be picky means that you date ( or marry) a man who is old enough to be you father ( if you are lucky). If you are not so lucky, he will be the same age as your grandfather.
    I don’t know…I prefer to stay picky….

  2. Meg-920823 June 29, 2014 Reply

    Very good article. I did not interpret taste in movies to be in the moral realm. My understanding was, if I like adventure and he likes comedy, is that deal breaker? Nope.

  3. Tyler-1007037 January 28, 2014 Reply

    Be who you are and know what you want and say so!!!!!

    Life is too short to play games. If you are here to truly find a soul mate and life partner no matter what age, just be straight.

    Pay close attention to the “Temperament” profile! I have found it time and again to be spot on!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Esther-532964 January 27, 2014 Reply

    Very good article! I was writing this man on CM. I only wanted the man to be catholic and have a job. I asked him what he did. He wouldn’t really tell me. He lived in the same town. I had high hopes! Our chats seemed very good, however, he wasn’t very complementary. He was just the opposite. Joked with negative comments. I asked him if I was reading him wrong and he said yes I was. I said maybe I should move on? He said yes. If the man doesn’t like the lady, please just say thank you, but no thanks- I’m interested in someone else. Better still don’t even write the lady. Why waste each others time, and give false hopes, when you are not even attracted to the lady. I will keep praying, to find the love of my life.

    • Mariane-1101713 March 31, 2015 Reply

      I totally agree with you Esther, there are a few men on here who are a bit confused and really don’t know how to even evaluate whom they are talking to. Another issue I have run into is a bad temper, and really as a grown up, you would think one could have a conversation without a guy taking a temper tantrum, Unbelievable!

  5. Jennifer-939674 January 26, 2014 Reply

    I have to say, I was too open in the past… being picky in certain areas is not a bad thing. Being a non practicing Non Catholic is a deal breaker for me… I am willing to negotiate on certain things. Yet I have settled in the past and I cannot do that again. I want a partner, yet I need someone who is just as committed as I am .. if they are not, I would rather be alone. I trust God knows what HE is doing.

    • Meesch-691047 June 26, 2014 Reply

      Being a non-practicing Christian who doesn’t study the bible needs to be on the “deal breaker” list. If you don’t pursue God daily, then this is a relationship you need to start working on first.

  6. Marie-1035263 January 26, 2014 Reply

    Wow, this article seems to be tailor-made for me! 🙂 Good advice and motivation to keep my moral principles but also not to be afraid of trying something new. Thank you!

  7. Maureen-1045637 January 26, 2014 Reply

    I think this article is so true in many ways! Spot on! We are all looking for a person that has character; honest, empathetic, communicates well,compromises, etc. as well many other preferences. Appearances are deceiving. Bottom line: trust your instincts, be safe, and self reflect. You may find a frog is really a prince! Warts and all!

  8. Marge-938695 January 26, 2014 Reply

    I believe it’s essential to agree on moral boundaries (when is it a lie, and not a vague comment?) — and beyond that, nothing much else matters.
    I’ve seen too many nice people being rejected because they have different table manners or Christmas customs or don’t dress “right”. If you are judgmental, you don’t deserve a relationship.

    • Ann-69118 January 27, 2014 Reply

      Well put. Choice in movie though and and things like that might come down to more of a moral issue.

  9. Bogdan-991008 January 26, 2014 Reply

    Hi, thanks for the article. I’m sure you are right – I mean i started to understand I’m more or less caught in this “searching of miss Right” and I do understand that there are negotiable and non-negotiable topics. I want to ask you a question, will be grateful if you answer me. When you made your chose, besides of all rational arguments, was there some kind of special feeling or whatever, that told you somehow “This is the one for you”? I’m asking because I’m usually in a situation that I do appreciate many wonderful girls around me, but I happen to somehow miss a confirming feeling about them inside. Thank you.

  10. Andrew-1045895 January 26, 2014 Reply

    Movies and our taste in what we see is important, but only when dealing with excessively violent or brutal films. I just got off a flight from Amsterdam and could not believe what folks on the plane were viewing, and laughing at, when portrayals of murder were viewed. I’m a guy who likes the rom-coms and gentle films about human relationships.

  11. Amanda-818043 January 26, 2014 Reply

    I personally believe taste in movies for me is non negotiable. I don`t want to go to the movies and have to worry about watching immoral sex scenes or nudity or crude movies filled with inappropriate jokes about sex. That is not something I take lightly. Of course their might be some quick brief sexual dialogue that is mild in a movie, which I can handle, but in general I like to keep it PG-13/PG, or even if it`s an animated movie, a G rating. I like to look up the content in a movie before I watch it. So many people think it`s not important, but I think it is. For me, I`d like to find someone who has morals, tries to live a good life, doesn`t get themselves involved in illegal drugs/excessive drinking that will stay faithful to me. Someone that is funny and can make me happy. Physical attraction is not everything if the person does not act right, but their has to be some kind of attraction in my opinion too. It`s difficult to have high standards, but I would rather be alone, than tolerate someone who is going to cause problems for me. I just pray God can guide me along to the right person, if that`s his plan for me.

    • Liz-609023 January 26, 2014 Reply

      I completely agree with you on that. I don’t like swearing either and if my mate didn’t have the same morals as myself in such things as films how could you respect him? God knows what we need in our heart and who is right.

    • Curtis-1032804 March 30, 2014 Reply

      Don’t forget all those horrible men that get angry while driving, or boo the opposing sports team, or don’t find kittens cute. They’re just nasty. I want my man to be a tall handsome virgin of noble birth who fights for God and his country, while making 6 figures at his corporate job that helps poor children in Africa while he spends plenty of time at home dedicated to his family. Why won’t God answer my prayers?

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