First Date Dilemma: To Go or Not To Go


Not Interested

I spent some time recently talking to a friend about what we fondly call the “First Date Dilemma.” The Dilemma, as we commonly refer to it, is what happens when a guywho you are not romantically interested inasks you on a date? I discovered that my friend and I are on completely opposite sides of this issue. It seems to me that the jury is still out as to whether or not you should actually proceed with the date.

I strongly believe that the right thing to do in dealing with the Dilemma is to accept. She believes just as strongly that you should not. We have agreed to disagree on this issue and incredibly enough I feel that we could both be correct. For the sake of argument however, I am going to present my case here and eagerly await your wonderful feedback.

The major reason why I believe that one should accept the date is becausewhether it is online or in personit must be tremendously difficult for a man to take the initial step of asking out a woman.

Can you imagine the fear of rejection?

Honestly, the thought of it makes me cringe. I don’t care how self-assured a man is, I cannot believe that it doesn’t hurt him to be turned down. I just don’t see how that is of benefit to either party. I am not implying that we women accept these dates as pity dates or on principle. I believe instead that accepting a date under these circumstances actually encourages men to seek dates with women in the interest of “getting to know you better.” And isn’t that what we women have a tendency to complain about—why do most of the guys I know never take the step of actually initiating a real date?

Unless a woman has a strong intuition about someone (and I absolutely believe that you always follow your instincts!), I just wholeheartedly reject the idea that it is better to not “lead a man on.” I fail to see how accepting a first date is anything other than kind and encourages men to ask women out. We aren’t getting ready to walk down the aisle, folks—we are just having some friendly get-to-know-you conversation along with maybe lunch and some bowling. I do not understand how this can be interpreted as leading someone on. Four or five dates under these circumstances might be, but not one.

Finally, I also believe that members of both sexes may need to date numerous people before finding the one that God has chosen for you. Each opportunity to get to know someone brings with it the ability to both practice our relationship skills and the chance to make new friends. It is also a window into helping find nice men for our single girlfriends. I might not be interested in astrophysics, but my friend Janine might be—perhaps I can arrange an introduction. I reject the idea that this is wrong. As an objective person, I can see common similarities between two people that might not know each other. Isn’t this a great way to make connections?

Okay, so say you accept the initial date. What then? That, my friends, is a question for another blog post. Before we go there, what do you think—accept the date or say no thank you?



  1. Laurie-893019 July 29, 2014 Reply

    I think part of the problem here too is how widely differ in how they interpret “dating.” Even on CM, for some, a first date could mean simply getting to know you to discern if there’s enough there to “seriously date” (marriage being the end goal of the search), initiating courtship with the aim of marriage with that person, or frankly just trying to have either attention or attain some physical intimacy (not good, my friends, but true).

    I think the author has struck on an important point. The longer communication continues online without face to face contact (and I’m not sure even a skype style interaction counts), the bigger the misconceptions and fantasies that we humans can build up.

    For my part, I think both men and women put TOO much emphasis on a first interaction and unintentionally avoid meeting people they might have great chemistry with due to the nature of online information. You will not find the spouse God has for you by checking off boxes on *your* requirements. (We are an overly visual and selfish culture-what’s this person offering me?…) Unless there is a clear moral concern or a genuine uneasiness– pray, be open to the Spirit, and say yes! You may decide within a few minutes if you’re interested or not, but you’ve given then a real chance.

  2. Anna M. July 20, 2014 Reply

    she should, as long as they both know it’s only as a casual get together. Neither of them is expecting anything out of it. Never know. In the long run, something might work out

  3. Paul-1102399 July 13, 2014 Reply

    ” must be tremendously difficult for a man to take the initial step of asking out a woman…..”
    are you kidding me ???????
    the women are the ones who procrastinate and have doubts and play ”head games”..
    and oh BTW, while we are at this: how come we men are ALWAYS expected to pay for EVERYTHING all the time despite the feminists claim of ”equality” everywhere but when it comes to dating expenses there is no ‘’equality’’ ?
    Do you all want to know the truth? Men are plain tired and fed up of being ‘’strung on’’ and taken advantage of by women this way and once they are ‘’done with him’’ > goodbye! NEXT, [sucker] !!
    Most of the men has no spine to expose this because they are scared of being branded ‘’sexist’’ or ‘’misogynist’’!
    and, so the culture of ”smiles, lies and mendacity’’ continues to wreck the dating scene..
    Happy hunting everyone!

    • Aisleigh-411370 July 27, 2014 Reply

      “how come we men are ALWAYS expected to pay for EVERYTHING all the time despite the feminists claim of ”equality” everywhere but when it comes to dating expenses there is no ‘’equality’’ ?”

      Most women on here aren’t into the feminist claims of equality, a good number of us are happy with traditional gender roles. BTW, you’re expected to pay when you ask a women out because if all goes well, she’s expected to uproot her life and go live with you, give birth to and raise your children and put up with cleaning your dirty socks the rest of her life. I think you can handle a cup of coffee, thank you very much.

      Nothing is a bigger turnoff than cheapskates.

      • Kiz-1124626 October 29, 2014 Reply

        I think it also gives us a peak of the kind of man we’d like to spend with for the rest of our lives. This is not to say that men are solely expected to always pay the bills, but the simple gesture of paying for a cup of coffee without making any fuzz about it, is an indication of being a gentleman and someone who can own responsibilities in the future. I treat my guy friends for coffee and even dinner. I don’t think this is such a big deal for someone who is sincerely searching for his one true love.

      • Dean-1150250 November 25, 2014 Reply

        Aisleigh, respectfully I have to call you out on your double speak.

        You claim “Most women on here aren’t into the feminist claims of equality, a good number of us are happy with traditional gender roles.” Then you go into a litany of gripes about the sacrifices you have a CHOICE to make for the rest of your relationship. Men don’t have a choice regarding her expectations on him. If he doesn’t pay the bills he shoots himself in both feet. She just doesn’t have to (fill the blank) and no consequences that can be enforced on her.

        You sound like a feminist to me. Then you insult men in general by belittling the often huge and mounting expenses of always paying , far MORE than a “cup of coffee” (very insulting and insensitive), because men are always expected to initiate, and “coincidentally” the initiator is expected to pay (very convenient, isn’t it?), by referring to men’s financial investments as nothing by saying “I think you can handle a cup of coffee, thank you very much.” That was very smug and condescending. “Thank you very much.”

        Sister, you have to admit you sound like a full blown feminist with the way you stated your argument.

        BTW, I have never met a woman who can hold her tongue when certain feminist lightning rod issues come up, even if you can prove them factually wrong they keep hammering away at “equality” because their feelings tell them so. I sincerely believe all women in the USA are feminists to one degree or another. Theoretically there are some non-feminists that exist, but I have never heard nor seen one here. I have met non-feminists in foreign, non-westernized, cultures though, very nice and I have jumped with joy inside at the chance to ask and pay. What a pleasure to do for a gracious and sweet woman who doesn’t “expect” because she thinks she has to wash my dirty socks for the rest of her life.

        Marriage in the USA is at a 93 year low. It might be wise to examine some of the reasons why that is and make some much needed corrections. Your children are counting on it, they just won’t know they are until after the divorce.

        Prosperity in truth to you.

    • Dean-1150250 November 25, 2014 Reply

      Paul, I am with you brother. I speak the truth freely. Clearly Aisleigh used the age old female tactic of guilt and shame to pressure you to get back in line. Oh so typical and predictable. She stated: “I think you can handle a cup of coffee, thank you very much.” This is so vehemently insulting on so many levels. Then there was the: “Nothing is a bigger turnoff than cheapskates.” It was her way of calling you sexist without saying it the way you predicted she would.

      The American dating scene is so riddled with female planted land mines it seems there is no hope. But one avenue is available; non-western cultures.

      Prosperity in truth to you.

  4. Lebogang-1101451 July 5, 2014 Reply

    Being asked on date means I wanna get to know u but some guys take it “yes” agreeing on date as a yes I will b ur girlfrnd so as fr me I rather say no to avoid misunderstandings … If there isn’t chemistry I am nt gonna force it with a date !!!! Thank u

  5. Patrick-341178 July 3, 2014 Reply

    It depends how strong of a “not interested” it is. If I knew a woman had no interest in me after seeing my profile, I don’t think it is would accomplish anything to just go out for the sake of going out. Yet, if she had even 5% interest, assuming she didn’t live that far away, I would hope that she would give me a chance. I have had a hard time getting dates on this site, but what can even be more frustrating, are the number of one or two and dones I have had. I would like to think that all women that I have ever gone out with had atleast some interest so I wasn’t wasting my time, but I suppose every situation is different so I guess you have to keep trying…

  6. Sofia-940569 July 3, 2014 Reply

    I think it is ok to accept but being honest at all times about your feelings towards a man, so that things are clear for him.

  7. Rene-747300 July 3, 2014 Reply

    If the signs for that opportunity arise, then please say yes….think twice about the signs first…then everyone is fine. Otherwise, if the signs (of any kind) still lead to a question, it is better to say No. Really, that is why it is a question: otherwise, let’s go back to arrange marriages. Sorry I am crude when it comes to this. Drama free or playing with food is not allowed for me. Otherwise, imagine that one date…then the other first date with some one other is a sign of excessive availability; then again: The whole thing to me is still a mystery. Sorry.
    Scripture says: “Four things are a mystery to my inquiry: First, the way an eagle flies through the sky; Second, the way a snake moves through the earth; Third, the way a ship leads through the waters; and lastly, the ways of a men and virgin.” (My paraphrase) 🙂 My Opinion not infallible. Thank God

  8. Janet-1037775 July 2, 2014 Reply

    I was taught early in life, “If you are not interested in him, do not waste any time; politely say no thank you and move on.” It gives the man the reason to move on. Most of the time, it is usually a duo response. I have not dated for 8 years, and probably won’t. When God puts my life in order, and I meet the right man I will make my feelings known after he makes his feelings known to me. Dating, is really a waste of time when you are putting God in your life first, worshiping Him in scripture daily and seeing His truths in your questions, words, and expectations of living a better life in a better world.

  9. Jane-1063429 July 2, 2014 Reply

    I really like what James Patrick had to say. I think first and foremost I would have to ask if he’s following the church teachings especially on sex before marriage. If all that is good and he seems nice. Go for it. You might be pleasantly surprised.
    If he is not in line with the church than a polite, “I’m washing my hair. Good hunting.” is what James Patrick said. Love it! lol

  10. Tom-991847 July 2, 2014 Reply

    I’d say that a woman who is not interested in me romantically is doing me a favor by saying no. Yes, the rejection at that moment will sting… a bit. But the sting will be a lot worse if she says no after one or more dates, because by then my emotions are much higher.

  11. Peter-44842 July 2, 2014 Reply

    It wastes both of your time. It’s not integral to do; acceptance minimally implies possible interest or open to it. You’ll eventually have to break it off anyway, so it is not clear it even achieves your original purpose. Also, rejection isn’t fun but, depending on the guy, one might be overestimating his investment and your own ability to affect him. Last, a man who is so disposed to be that preoccupied or upset you don’t want mooning around you longer than necessary… while after a date it could get more complicated, since you falsely gave him a ray of light. Several moral and pragmatic reasons to be honest.

  12. Beth-816949 July 2, 2014 Reply

    If someone is romantically interested in you and you are both looking for a relationship beyond platonic, then I think it’s insincere to accept a first date. In fact, I would have a harder time accepting from a place of insincerity than saying “that’s a nice offer, but no thanks.”
    Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. I was messaging someone who wanted to ask me out, and I was interested originally, but his comment “I don’t respect poor and dysfunctional people” made me cringe because of my strong personal beliefs. I was frank with him about the “cringing’ and so there never was the first date. Accepting would have been insincere. I was much more comfortable politely declining.

  13. Theresa-1093818 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I think that a woman should go out and try to get to meet the man before she says no. A walk or a soda together will help to decide weather the he or she wants to go further in the partnership.

  14. Patricia-1033878 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I was rejected after 2 dates because a former member CM found me on a secular dating site. He said he did not want to be friends because he wanted an intimate ( physical) relationship. I had told him that I asked 7/7 on Churches teachings and he read my CM profile before date #2. I am glad that he didn’t want to be friends because he is not respectful of my beliefs. I am grateful that he is no longer an active member but his profile appears.

  15. Katherine-1103570 July 1, 2014 Reply

    Wow, what great dialogue! I am brand new to this, (online dating) was married at 19, for 27 years, divorced, and than landed in a 17 year relationship that is also endng. How we all feel about romantic attraction and the potential for a healthy, physical (sexual relationship) is so varied and so loaded with personal, emotional baggage. It is definitely the stuff that nicely supports therapists, (as well as divorce attorneys). Like so much else that we fail to come to terms with, within ourselves, it takes on a life of its own. BE REAL, sex is hugely emotional, gigantically impactful and needs careful and lovng attention. Like any other major issue, know where you stand and stick to your convictions. Does not mean not to be open , curious and compassionate ….God is always with us in all of it.


  16. Scott-786277 July 1, 2014 Reply

    If someone is not interested in you I just let them be. It’s like getting rejected when no one wont’s to get to know you or wont’s to be around you ether.

  17. Robert-3483 July 1, 2014 Reply

    “Either to seek or to shun society is a fault in one striving to lead a devout life in the world, such as I am now speaking of. To shun society implies indifference and contempt for one’s neighbours; and to seek it savours of idleness and uselessness. We are told to love one’s neighbour as one’s self. In token that we love him, we must not avoid being with him, and the test of loving one’s self is to be happy when alone. “Think first on thyself,” says Saint Bernard, “and then on other men.” So that, if nothing obliges you to mix in society either at home or abroad, retire within yourself, and hold converse with your own heart. But if friends come to you, or there is fitting cause for you to go forth into society, then, my child, by all means go, and meet your neighbour with a kindly glance and a kindly heart.

    Bad society is all such intercourse with others as has an evil object, or when those with whom we mix are vicious, indiscreet, or profligate. From such as these turn away, like the bee from a dunghill. The breath and saliva of those who have been bitten by a mad dog is dangerous, especially to children or delicate people, and in like manner it is perilous to associate with vicious, reckless people, above all to those whose devotion is still weakly and unstable.

    There is a kind of social intercourse which merely tends to refresh us after more serious labour, and although it would not be well to indulge in this to excess, there is no harm in enjoying it during your leisure hours.

    Other social meetings are in compliance with courtesy, such as mutual visits, and certain assemblies with a view to pay respect to one another. As to these, without being a slave to them, it is well not to despise them altogether, but to bear one’s own due part in them quietly, avoiding rudeness and frivolity. Lastly, there is a profitable society;–that of good devout people, and it will always be very good for you to meet with them. Vines grown amid olivetrees are wont to bear rich grapes, and he who frequents the society of good people will imbibe some of their goodness. The bumble bee makes no honey alone, but if it falls among bees it works with them. Our own devout life will be materially helped by intercourse with other devout souls.

    Simplicity, gentleness and modesty are to be desired in all society;–there are some people who are so full of affectation in whatever they do that every one is annoyed by them. A man who could not move without counting his steps, or speak without singing, would be very tiresome to everybody, and just so any one who is artificial in all he does spoils the pleasure of society; and moreover such people are generally more or less self-conceited. A quiet cheerfulness should be your aim in society. Saint Romuald and Saint Anthony are greatly lauded because, notwithstanding their asceticism, their countenance and words were always courteous and cheerful. I would say to you with Saint Paul, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice;”and again, “Rejoice in the Lord alway: let your moderation be known unto all men.” And if you would rejoice in the Lord, the cause of your joy must not only be lawful, but worthy; and remember this, because there are lawful things which nevertheless are not good; and in order that your moderation may be known, you must avoid all that is impertinent and uncivil, which is sure to be wrong. Depreciating this person, slandering another, wounding a third, stimulating the folly of a fourth–all such things, however amusing, are foolish and impertinent.

    I have already spoken of that mental solitude into which you can retire when amid the greatest crowd, and furthermore you should learn to like a real material solitude. Not that I want you to fly to a desert like Saint Mary of Egypt, Saint Paul, Saint Anthony, Arsenius, or the other hermits, but it is well for you to retire sometimes within your own chamber or garden, or wheresoever you can best recollect your mind, and refresh your soul with good and holy thoughts, and some spiritual reading, as the good Bishop of Nazianzum tells us was his custom. “I was walking alone,” he says, “at sunset, on the seashore, a recreation I am wont to take in order somewhat to lay aside my daily worries.” And Saint Augustine says that he often used to go into Saint Ambrose’ room–his door was open to every one,–and after watching him absorbed in reading for a time, he would retire without speaking, fearing to interrupt the Bishop, who had so little time for refreshing his mind amid the burden of his heavy duties. And we read how when the disciples came to Jesus, and told Him all they had been doing and preaching, He said to them, “Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest awhile.”

    Ref: “Intro to the Devout Life” by Gentleman Saint and Church Doctor St Francis de Sales —

  18. Thang-1077057 July 1, 2014 Reply

    For me, rejection is part of life. I do not want to be toyed with. If the woman isn’t interested, then she should not accept the date. It would be a waste of time and money. If she wants to go out as friends, she should say so clearnly.

    My problem is after the second or third date. Based on my profile and messaging back and forth, two women knew what I looked like and what I did for a living. However, after the second date, one woman, said she wasn’t that attracted to me. After the third date, one woman said she didn’t like what I did for a living. A lot of wasting each other’s time.

    Of course it’s always wise to be friends first, however, it’s difficult to be attracted to someone and act objectively (not thinking about it).

  19. Tony-1077613 July 1, 2014 Reply

    As a guy, I do not like rejection. However, I like being toyed with even less. If you do not have any interest, let the guy be so that he can find someone who may be interested. The whole purpose of dating is to establish a romantic connection. If you know that there is no possibility of one developing, it is more honest to say “No” at the start than to create an illusion of interest and then deflate him.

  20. John-1027301 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I think the girl should accept, except in the rare instance when she thinks she would be putting her life at risk. If your friend has not sat down and talked to a guy one on one, then it seems that her non-interest in romance is based solely on appearance, which only affirms the hookup culture we live in. Plus, she needs to remember that guys talk too. A rejection may have more far reaching consequences than she can imagine.

  21. Aida-740057 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I’ll share with you my experienced. I met a guy here in Catholic match. There was no spark when we were communicating ( I hate wrong spelling I called it careless and laziness) but we belong to one parish. I accepted his invitation for a brunch date after church because of my belief that accepting from a man’s invitation is a package of “getting to know you stage” for me, go for it.

  22. Stephen-561565 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I think that if she is not romantically interested in him she should make that clear that she just wants to go out as friends. She could learn something about herself in the process. We could all learn in this way. How to treat people right is of paramount importance. The guy could learn something about himself as well.

  23. Rose-1079680 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I appreciate the honesty in these comments posted by everyone. I think if you’re going to accept just to be nice why not just go out as friends. If builds great and if not well at least you gained a friend.

  24. Sarah-916671 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I find it makes a big difference whether the invitation is made online or in person. If it’s online I say yes and I believe in giving everyone a chance unless there is a valid substantial reason not to. If it’s in person I am concerned about leading a guy on so I try to decline graciously. “I really enjoy working with you and I don’t want to jeopardize our working relationship by making it something I’m not ready for”. If there’s a better way guys would prefer to be courteously declined just let us know.

  25. Monica-906320 July 1, 2014 Reply


  26. Tom-995241 July 1, 2014 Reply

    She should say no thank you, there has to be a connection or it will not work in my opinion. That chemistry or whatever that is only takes a few minutes that’s the way I see it anyway.

  27. David-870960 July 1, 2014 Reply

    As one who has found it hard to take that first step – asking someone out for a date/meeting – I appreciate the candor and honesty of a “No Thank You”; but then I am one who has suffered deception most of my life – from my Mother & Father who never told me she was “terminal”; to my Father who didn’t tell me he’d already had one heart attack before he died suddenly five months later with a second; to my ex who never wanted to be married, but liked having a “trophy husband” until she finally couldn’t live the lie any longer…

    Love – Christian Love – is Honesty, and Trust. A truly Christian man is going to Trust, and a truly Christian woman will be Honest, and vice versa. It is hard to write a “No Thank you, I don’t think we’re compatible -or- a good match”, but it’s ultimately harder to experience a dismissal after a couple of dates when things seem to be going well – or an out-right break-up because you crash into a significant difference.

  28. Carol-1017436 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I agree with the potential for distances to be an issue as well as expense. I also feel though as though we are all rushing ahead. I’m am guilty of the same thing. How can you truly know by a few email correspondences if you can even be friends much less move forward into dating?

    I guess I’m cautious about calling the first meeting a date. I definitely feel I can not determine whether or not I can adequately discern if I should move forward with dating someone unless I get to know them better. A true relationship will grow out of coming to know one another better. Communicating with technology is a poor substitute for facing and really communicating with another. If you meet and it is an obvious incompatibility for dating, you may have the makings for a genuine friendship. I have been fortunate enough to have experienced this and actually had some other single individuals that have become friends with neither of our intents are to go on to a “dating” relationship.

    With that said I have also had the experience of coming to know through a few email communications that an individual and I are far apart on our definitions of honesty and fidelity, etc…and a few “creepy” issues as well unfortunately. But those discussions happen far before an offer for a date. And having been cautious and honest, I have either stated we aren’t a good fit or politely declined moving a relationship in that direction. None of which means there is no a potential for friendship. I think it is unfortunate more people aren’t willing to even become friends before dating or even if they will never date. And to the “creepy” situations, a no thank you means no thank you.

  29. Nicholas-1102675 July 1, 2014 Reply

    Honestly, as a man myself, and one who is very self-conscious and lacking in self-esteem, I’d MUCH rather be rejected by a girl if she isn’t interested in me then to be lead on into thinking that she was actually considering me as a candidate for her future husband. The truth can be difficult, but it must always be told upfront. If someone whom you’re not interested in asks you out, it’s definitely best to be honest and say “no”. If you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you can accept an outing as friends, but only if you make it clear to them that it’s only platonic and you don’t want any sort of romance involved. Courtship is preparation for marriage; it must never be taken lightly, as today’s society constantly tends to do. It’s not a sport; to date just for the “fun” of it would only make it into one, and to use someone whom you are not interested in just to get some “practice” in would be to objectify them. True dating is all about honesty, to pretend to be interested in someone you’re not could only be dishonest. Also, it’s best to date as FEW people as possible because, one day, you will be married, and every past relationship will become a discomfort for your spouse. If I had a wife, I know I could never quite feel comfortable around a guy whom I knew to have had some sort of past romance with her; he may very well still bear fond memories of being her boyfriend, and that feeling could easily be mutual. If I had dated a girl but the relationship didn’t last, I don’t think I could ever think of her the same way as before I had dated her; I’d always feel that I’d owe her some sort of obligation. That’s why I’d never date a girl unless I thought she might be the one.

  30. Robert-834944 July 1, 2014 Reply

    In my opinion… it is better to be honest about it and decline. Yes… rejection hurts… but it hurts much more (and it is also more damaging) to learn that someone was never interested to begin with and that you were essentially being lied to.

    Again, the nature and context of the date can play a role here. In my case, I am often dealing with LDRs with women who live hundreds of miles away. The amount of time, energy, money, and investment that goes before a 1st date in an LDR is significantly higher than someone you meet in your own backyard that you get coffee with. So… in the case of an LDR scenario (which many people on here on CM are probably dealing with), you definitely want to be honest and say no. I would even make the case that it’s sinful to lead someone on in such a scenario. And if you’re really not interested, you should probably say so before it even gets to that point if you’re dealing with an LDR. Again… if it’s someone in your own city that you meet casually… maybe it’s no big deal. I’ve been through both cases… and I can tell you that I was never hurt as bad as I was when I learned that the woman who pretended to be interested in me was never interested to begin with. A straight up rejection is much better than that, in my opinion.

    • Rose-1079680 July 1, 2014 Reply

      Definitely agree people in LDR need to be honest with one another.

  31. John-1080444 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I politely, strongly disagree. A date is all about romance, and the guy may get his hopes up. He might pull out all the stops if he really likes you — buy flowers, pay for a candle-lit dinner-for-two, etc. All because you don’t want to hurt his feelings in the moment and/or want to practice dating?

    It will always hurt much more so when he finds out you were never romantically interested in him from the start. It may come across as a form of dishonesty. I’ve been on both sides of this equation and have found through my own personal experience it’s better to be honest and upfront. To politely reject someone right away surely will sting, but comparatively less to the alternative. Practice dating with someone you’re legitimately interested in.

  32. Alma-953915 July 1, 2014 Reply

    “No, thank you,” is better. Don’t waste somebody’s time and money on you when you’re not even interested. That’s giving false hope to a person, and it is cruel. Rejection can hurt, but to keep going on with someone you’re not even interested in, is a far worse pain. Everyone has to deal with rejection. Jesus was rejected. Look to the cross, and realize it’s only temporary. Something better awaits. We all do have to learn to just wait for the right one. Patience is a virtue.

    • David-771026 July 6, 2014 Reply

      I agree with Alma, Joe, Nicholas, and Kristen. It is much better to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” up front, than waste his time/energy and yours, only to say no thanks later. If he has the right frame of mind, he’ll understand that he wasn’t rejected, rather he has moved one step closer to finding the right one.

  33. JamesPatrick-972254 July 1, 2014 Reply

    If someone asks “Do you want to go on a date?” Imagine they also added “Are you interested?” With that latter question, would you be interested in starting a relationship.

    Then if you are interested, first do a validation check. “Are you catholic, believe in (add you list here, e.g no sex before marriage), and are willing to pay the bill?” Please add a smile here.

    Otherwise feel free to add a cheeky no that will bring a smile to him. “Sorry I’m washing my hair! Good hunting.”

  34. Mike-646924 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I say “NO Thank You; in your (top) paragraph; It sound like to me you would be leading a Guy on; (or string him along) I rather hear Thanks or No thanks; than the mixed singles or being strung along!

  35. Patty-505594 July 1, 2014 Reply

    Lets say, you do go out on this date and it’s very casual, very public and like William’s comment “time and place of the woman’s choosing, both to give her more control over the situation as well as peace of mind”. It can’t be all that bad if both of you are not getting the same vibe from each other and understand that both of you will be seeing and dating other individuals. Unless you believe Love at First Sight!!

  36. Kristin-1073777 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I have to disagree. If you’re reasonably sure that you’re not interested, it’s fine to give a polite but clear, “no thank you.” Yes, rejection stings, but why waste your time and his?

  37. Joe-786218 July 1, 2014 Reply

    I strongly prefer a polite “no, thank you”. I know exactly where she stands and I won’t have to waste my time and resources with her before I find out she is not interested. I no longer care about rejection, I learned long ago that is about the other person’s frame, not mine so I don’t take it personally anymore. Men need to learn how to take a deep breath and leave the rejection behind them, just move on. It is far more kind for a woman to say no up front than it is for her to let him get his hopes up only to let him down later. Of course she needs to be polite about it, nuclear rejections are never acceptable.

  38. William-607613 July 1, 2014 Reply

    If two people are corresponding for some time, then I think the guy has a pretty good idea of whether or not a) he wants to ask the woman on a date and b) the woman will accept his offer.

    With an on-line format, the first date should really be something very informal, and done at the time and place of the woman’s choosing, both to give her more control over the situation as well as peace of mind. In this situation, if a woman is corresponding with a guy (using their own e-mail) and speaking on the phone, I cannot imagine why a woman would decline a date.

  39. Marge-938695 June 30, 2014 Reply

    I’m having trouble thinking of reasons to turn down a date. Other than illness, a serious previous engagement, or the fact that he’s REALLY creepy (honestly, how often does that actually happen?), I say, GO FOR IT.

    • Ann-69118 July 2, 2014 Reply

      I’m with you there. It’s been a year since I’ve been asked. I’ve had a guy or two who I thought was interested by honestly I just let everyone know I’m too involved in trying to get rid of my troublesome house to think about anything else at the moment. I don’t even remember what a date is anymore though it’s been so long…lol

  40. Meesch-691047 June 30, 2014 Reply

    I say… go for it. Be safe. Be honest. Have fun. Love God.

  41. Ann-69118 June 30, 2014 Reply

    I think you should feel some sort of connection by that I mean that there’s the possibility of something. Like the person is easy to talk to has manners you like or is into the same things you are. It’s sometimes hard to gage this in 2 minutes or a few conversation so I think everyone should be given a chance unless you just not really interested and you feel this right away. I would never make the first date super expense or high pressure though. I think a nice walk or coffee are good acceptable ways to get to know if you really have anything worth pursuing with someone. I dated one guy who was very nice but he would never go beyond a certain point. Another guy was also nice but it too awhile see he would never accept certain things about me and there were things about him and his beliefs I couldn’t accept. I was still glad I have them a chance though because you never know really who will be the person you really click with it could be the one you least expect. I’ve that many times.

  42. William-768869 June 30, 2014 Reply

    I agree with you strongly, a woman should always accept. It takes a great deal of courage to ask a woman out. The fear of rejection is enormous.
    You never know when a woman might change her mind about having a romantic interest in a guy after a date.

    • Paul-1102399 July 13, 2014 Reply

      The women are the ones who procrastinate and have doubts and play ”head games”..
      and oh BTW, while we are at this: how come we men are ALWAYS expected to pay for EVERYTHING all the time despite the feminists claim of ”equality” everywhere but when it comes to dating expenses there is no ‘’equality’’ ?
      Do you all want to know the truth? Men are tired and fed up of being ‘’strung on’’ and taken advantage of by women this way and once they are ‘’done with him’’ > goodbye! NEXT, [sucker] !!

  43. Nicholas-976717 June 30, 2014 Reply

    Honestly, I lean more toward your friend’s viewpoint of “No, thank you” on this subject. Has it stung for me to be turned for a date in the past? Sure. But I’d much rather feel that brief sting of rejection and know exactly where the lady stands than spend time getting to know someone who accepted my invitation for a date, yet has no romantic interest in me whatsoever.

  44. Donald-1062010 June 30, 2014 Reply

    Good comments. This is why I always suggest a snack and a chat for a first in person meeting. It provides the combination of an informality that need not be further pursued by either party or the opportunity for another, possibly more structered encounter. In any event, it’s a no harm, no foul situation for both parties.

    • Sharon-1090699 July 2, 2014 Reply

      I don’t believe this is a black/white answer: A more adventurous may woman want to accept because she’s open to being pleasantly surprised by the guy. On the other hand, it’s ok to not accept for whatever reason. I also believe HOW an acceptance or rejection is done is important in order to avoid bad feelings. Overall, this is an individual matter…go with the gut!

      • John-992356 July 2, 2014 Reply

        I have to offer an alternative view Sharon. If you (gen) are single then your decision making played a big part. No doubt your feelings played a big part in your decision making….so your feelings led you here; to being single.

        I submit that “going with your gut” isn’t always the right answer. After all, it’s highly probable that “your gut” will keep you single, if it’s the prime factor in your relationship decision making process.

        If your feelings have not led you to marriage, then I suggest you take a step back and re-evaluate your process. Maybe your gut, or relationship radar needs calibration…or you can keep going in circles.

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